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Forum: July, August & September 2012 Playroom

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  #1  
August 13th, 2012, 08:26 AM
YumPickles's Avatar Veteran
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Posts: 330
My mother and I have a very strained relationship. The only reason we are still on speaking terms is thanks to the fact that I moved 1400 miles away. Twice. (she followed me the first time). She seems to have a very selective memory though that conveniently forgets the bad parts.

My mother ruined the time around my son's birth. Long story short, I had invited her to be one of my support people in L&D, along with my husband. She invited her boyfriend along, then got very angry when I said no. (They had been dating about a year, and he made me feel uncomfortable in normal settings, let alone with my cooter hanging out. She knew I did not like him.) We had an epic fight, and she called me selfish and all sorts of other names. She came to the delivery anyhow, but sat in the corner and sulked the entire time. After we went home, she insisted on staying for a few days to get settled, but instead sat on our couch and glared at the wall, or stayed outside chain smoking and talking to her boyfriend on her cell. It was all very hostile, and after a few days I basically begged her to go home.

She eventually broke up with the boyfriend, as he was keeping a few other women on the side, but I never received an apology. She seems to believe that none of this ever happened, and for a while told people she never liked the boyfriend, and was only with him because he bought her things. In the years since there have been many other incidence where I feel she acted out of line and disrespectfully, but she does not see it.

Finally to the point, I had told her my approximate due date (the doctor will not let me go past 39 weeks due to health concerns). I expected a visit from my mom after the baby was born, but she went overboard. She booked a flight and rental car for a few days before my 39 week mark until 2 weeks after. All booked, paid for, and non-refundable. We can't afford to pay it off either, trust me, we have tried to find the money.

My husband seriously dislikes my mother because of everything she has done to me, and to my husband. (she disparages him at every turn, even though he is a good man that takes care of us) So that is going to be full of tension. Plus I can't stop remembering how she acted at the last birth, and all of the crap in between and before. On the other hand she has had some very serious health scares over the past 6 months, ending up with extended ICU stays a number of times, making me wonder f she will be around more than another few years.

I don't know what to do with all of this. I've actually contemplated asking the doctor to induce a week earlier at 38 weeks, just for some peace, but I don't want to endanger our baby because my mom is a freak. On a level I feel like she is forcing her way into this just so she can tell her friends what a good grandmother she is, not to help us out or see her grandchildren.

Thanks if you got through all of this
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  #2  
August 13th, 2012, 08:38 AM
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I would tell her that since she did all of this without talking to you that she needs to get a hotel. There is no reason for someone to invite themselves to your house without talking to you about it especially around a time like that. I would be furious, and I wouldn't allow her into my house at all.
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  #3  
August 13th, 2012, 09:01 AM
Blue_Twinkles's Avatar Son Up 2 Son Down
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I would just have to tell her, you didn't ask to make sure that extended amount of time was ok with me and my family - you just assumed. You and your Dh shouldn't be out the money trying to refund her "assumption" that she was welcome for that length of time. That's just me. There's no way I would put myself, my husband and my new baby through that must stress at a critical time when we are trying to bond a new family. Can she afford to rent a hotel room since her fight and rental car are non-refundable? That might ease some of the tension if she stays somewhere other than your house. Also, there's just no way I would allow her in the delivery room - just my opinion. She ruined it for you once, I'd be darned if I'd allow her to ruin it again.
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  #4  
August 13th, 2012, 10:16 AM
OatmealKisses's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Tell her not to come!

I went through pretty much the same thing with my parents when my son was born. Do not waste your time trying to worry and accommodate her, she was not worrying or accommodating you when your son was born or when she made these plans to stay at *your* house when *your* baby is born. She is looking for trouble. She lost the money for that trip the second she planned it without asking you. Her fault, not yours.
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  #5  
August 13th, 2012, 12:33 PM
YumPickles's Avatar Veteran
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Thanks for the advice! I think I knew all along that was the direction I was headed in, but I have this ingrained guilt problem, lol.

My grandmother (my mom's mom) lives about 2 1/2 hours from me. I am going to suggest she stay with her for a majority of her time, or get a hotel room nearby. I honestly feel like a horrible person for it, eve though it is right for our family.
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  #6  
August 13th, 2012, 12:41 PM
morethanamom4's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I think the others have excellent advice. I hope she'll listen and either not show up, or stay with your grandmother. I'm sorry she put you through all that drama one time, you definitely don't need it again.
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  #7  
August 13th, 2012, 07:36 PM
OatmealKisses's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YumPickles View Post
Thanks for the advice! I think I knew all along that was the direction I was headed in, but I have this ingrained guilt problem, lol.
And mothers like that are perfectionists at laying on the guilt thick!
Stick to your guns and do what is best for yourself, your husband, your son, and your newborn.
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  #8  
August 13th, 2012, 09:24 PM
Blessed Mommy Of 5's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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The other ladies gave great advice and I agree 100%. Do not allow your Mother to do this again. I do not think you should allow her to be present during your delivery or stay at your home either. She was wrong for inviting herself and for such an extended time period. She should have known better after what she has already pulled the last time. Don't feel bad or guilty, you didn't do anything wrong! I agree you should let her know she is not welcome during the birth of your baby or to stay in your home. Explain to her that you want things to be different this time around. You and your DH want to be alone for the birth of your baby and your family wants to be alone to bond after the birth; absolutely nothing wrong with that. She is lucky you aren't flat out giving her a piece of your mind with how she behaved previously! If she can't accept that then that is her problem!!

Hopefully, she will be respectful of your wishes and not make this into a bigger deal then she should.
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