Log In Sign Up

Is being an only child bad?


Forum: July, August & September 2012 Playroom

Notices

Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Like Tree7Likes
  • 2 Post By MosaicWife
  • 2 Post By 3littlepiggies
  • 1 Post By 20ghanover
  • 2 Post By Jennifer8080

Closed Topic Post New Topic
  Subscribe To July, August & September 2012 Playroom LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
April 13th, 2013, 03:21 PM
TKbunny's Avatar Elias's slave..err..Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: where ever the food is
Posts: 2,811
Since having Elias, I have seen how hard it is to take care of a baby and it is. But it's also so rewarding! I love him so much. I went through so much to get him, almost dying with the first PG and then all the fears that came after that. A lot of people couldn't even believe I was trying to get PG again only 3 months later. Most even said they were shocked I wanted to try again at all after going through all that, but I wanted a baby so bad.

But now DH and I are wondering if we should have another. We have a small house with only 2 bedrooms, ours and the nursery. I know they can share a room for a while until we could afford to move, but is that wise? I know some siblings hate sharing a room, other don't mind at all.

Another thing is, DH and I are both only children. My mother wanted a lot more but Dad only wanted 1 since he has lots of brothers and they don't always get along well. But also, my mother had a lot of problems getting PG at all. Something about her uterus being tipped and backwards? So after me they just stopped. DH's mom had a lot of problems getting PG as well. She had to go on some hormones and other drugs and even then DH was born over 3 months early! She wanted more but she lost 2 more children after DH was born and another when he was in his teens so he is an only child as well.

Since we're both only children, I worry that if we make Elias an only child, once our parents and both of us are gone, he'll be all alone He won't even have any Aunts, Uncles or Cousins. I worry that he will hate us for that or that he'll be lonely. I know there were times growing up I wanted siblings, but other times I saw how my mother and her siblings fought over crap and then I was glad I didn't have anyone to go through that with. DH didn't mind being an only child.

And I know that there are some sibs that really aren't close at all, or even hate each other and never speak, so just because he'd have a sibling don't mean he'd get along with them. So in the end does it really matter if you're an only child or not? I really want some help thinking this through. You see, while I worry about him being all alone after we're gone, I also worry that if we do have another baby, it'll be a girl (and I sooo don't want a girl because I freak out thinking she'll have my mother's personality and I just can't deal with that), or that since I'm getting older it might have more of a chance to be special needs and since we don't have a ton of money we'd not be able to take care of it like we'd want to (and on top of that leaving Elias to have to take care of his younger sib's care once we're gone and having him resent us for leaving him with that burden), or that they'll just not get along and they'll both wish they were only children! So as you can see... I need advice!

So, are any of you only children? Did you marry an only child? Are you planning on not having any more babies? Are you sorry you were an only child? Would you worry about your child being an only child with no other relatives? Or am I making too big a deal of all this?
__________________






Last edited by TKbunny; April 13th, 2013 at 07:35 PM.
  #2  
April 13th, 2013, 05:50 PM
Mom to Madeline
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 3,201
I can't have any more children due to health reasons, but I prefer to have an only anyway. (DH wanted 2, and it was up for consideration until I was told no more).

I'm not an only child, but my brother and I have never been close (only 3 years apart). I also wasn't close with any of my cousins. I was the middle the grandchild (with 15 grandchildren)...and nowhere near my age. My cousins just picked in me...so I can speak from experience with having cousins and a brother, that it's really a crapshoot if they'll be close or not.

I also believe that having additional children for the main reason being for a sibling is wrong. Like you said, you never know if they'll be close or best friends.

It sounds to me that you are content with an only child, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. If you decide later on to change your mind...go for it. You never know how you'll feel in a few years. If it doesn't change, no biggie.
__________________
  #3  
April 13th, 2013, 06:11 PM
MosaicWife's Avatar Missa
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Virginia
Posts: 4,738
I'm an only. I hated it. DH has two full-blood siblings, one step, and two half-brothers. He also has two cousins who were raised as his brothers. He wanted at least two kids. I only wanted one until I had him and realized I wanted another. I don't think there is anything wrong with being an only if you feel like you are done. But this:

"You see, while I worry about him being all alone after we're gone, I also worry that if we do have another baby, it'll be a girl (and I sooo don't want a girl because I freak out thinking she'll have my mother's personality and I just can't deal with that), or that something will be wrong with it and since we don't have a ton of money we'd not be able to take care of it like we'd want to (and on top of that leaving Elias to have to take care of his younger sib's care once we're gone and having him resent us for leaving him with that burden), or that they'll just not get along and they'll both wish they were only children! So as you can see... I need advice!"

is way overthinking it. You don't know if you'll have a girl or that if you do she would be like your mom. You don't know if it will be special needs (please don't use the phrase "something wrong with it"). Calm down and stop stressing over a future you don't know exists, you'll only make yourself crazy for no reason. Take it a day at a time amd if one day you feel ready for baby number two, go for it. If not then that's ok too but don't base htis decision on some worse case scenario you've built up in your head.
AllyssaM and afwifey09 like this.
__________________




Last edited by MosaicWife; April 13th, 2013 at 06:14 PM.
  #4  
April 13th, 2013, 06:42 PM
Jessimaaka's Avatar Pink in a house of Blue
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 16,278
Quote:
Originally Posted by MosaicWife View Post
Take it a day at a time amd if one day you feel ready for baby number two, go for it. If not then that's ok too but don't base htis decision on some worse case scenario you've built up in your head.
This.

And I agree you're over-thinking it. Perhaps sooner isn't what's best for your family.

I am one of five and hate it sometimes! But love it at others. I doubt there will be a 100% love or hate being an only or having a sibling.
__________________


Jess
DS1: Cameron 8/12/2012
DS2: Levi 3/30/2014
  #5  
April 13th, 2013, 07:47 PM
TKbunny's Avatar Elias's slave..err..Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: where ever the food is
Posts: 2,811
Quote:
Originally Posted by MosaicWife View Post

(please don't use the phrase "something wrong with it").
Sorry, I meant no offence and honestly I normally don't say it that way so I'm not sure why I did in that case, only that maybe I was simply not thinking clearly when I typed it, but you are right, it wasn't the correct way for me to have phrased it and I am sorry. I edited it too.

And of course I'd love a child of mine no matter what. I happen to have several special needs cousins and I love them as I do every other member of our family.


As for not seeming like I want another child and I'm only wanting to give my son someone to play with, that's not the case at all and I'm sorry I came across like that. I really do want another one, I'm just nervous that we don't have the space for another right now and I'm not sure we will get the space before my time could be up is all.

I am happy with having one, but I'd love another one. I just don't know if it'll ever be the right time with all the right situations and thus, was worried that if it ended up never being the right time for us to have another, that it might be bad for Elias in the long run. I do over think things at times.

But anyways, thanks for all your input, ladies.
__________________





  #6  
April 13th, 2013, 08:29 PM
MosaicWife's Avatar Missa
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Virginia
Posts: 4,738
I personally think that with your kinda stressed out reaction to the thought of more children having number two should probably be something you table for a while. You have plenty of time. Maybe a 2+ year age gap would be great for you guys. There's no rush and no rule that says you need to give him a sibling immediately. Enjoy him.
__________________



  #7  
April 13th, 2013, 08:37 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: MO
Posts: 708
There is pros and cons to either situation. I think if you want another baby to go for it, if you're happy with one then don't. There's no way of knowing what will happen in the future. I don't think anyone plans on having a special needs child but most would say they love them no matter what and wouldn't change a thing. If/when it happens, you can and will deal with it. Love is the most important thing.
As for having a small home, you can make do if you want. I think people tend to think they need a huge home when they don't. When my first 3 were born we lived in a 2 bedroom mobile home. It was very crowded but we made do. I certainly learned to be more selective on what I bought. Now we have a 2000 sq ft house and honestly, I miss my little 2 bedroom mobile home. Now, I wish we had kept it. It was paid for, you could always see the kids and it was a lot less to clean!
Do what feels right for your family.
Mountain~Mama and therevslady like this.
__________________



  #8  
April 14th, 2013, 06:51 AM
amyinwonderland's Avatar Rylan & Delaney's Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Grayson, GA
Posts: 237
I agree that it all depends on the individual and the situation. My oldest dd was an only child for 15 and 1/2 years until Rylan was born. She was perfectly content being the only child and preferred it. She wasn't thrilled at all when she found out I was pregnant but now that Rylan is here she is in love with her little sister (and vice versa).
__________________
  #9  
April 14th, 2013, 12:03 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,354
I have a sister, 8 years older and my husband has a sister, 4 years younger. Neither of us had a close sibling relationship growing up but ones that became very close as adults. We both have divorced parents, and my father is dead.

I give you that background info because we were VERY happy with one child but I became more and more concerned about what would happen to him if/when we die. I think at least one sibling is important.

That said.........a) that's my personal opinion, and b) having them spaced this closely (ours are 21 months) is KILLING us, we are exhausted, it is tough on the marriage, it is tough on the finances, etc. but we are 34 and 42 years old so we didn't have too much longer to wait.

If you have time to wait, I would suggest just waiting. You'll figure out what's best. There's nothing wrong or right about either route!!
therevslady likes this.
__________________
Me (34), Hubby (42), DS (2 years) - and baby DD (born on 7.24)!
  #10  
April 14th, 2013, 02:18 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 10,030
I typically lurk more than posting because I hate JM on my phone. I read this post earlier and have been formulating my response in my head. And I'll probably get flamed for this, but I don't really care. As the mother of a child with special needs let me first say that my child is not and will never be a burden. Not to us, not to her siblings and not to society. There is nothing wrong with her. She is a blessing just as all children are, and she has and will continue to do amazing things with her life. Maybe she will live on her own, and maybe she won't. Maybe she will get married and maybe she won't. But at the end of the day, the number of chromosomes that she happens to have does not define her or place a value on her life. Regardless of the conditions or number of chromosomes your child is born with, nothing defines their future but time.

And FYI - a statistic that not many people know, 80% of children with Down syndrome are born to women UNDER the age of 35. I had my daughter when I was 28.

To answer your question, it sounds like you really don't want another child, so I definitely don't think having only one is a bad idea. Personally, I hated being an only child, but I didn't base my decision to have a large family on that.
Ever and AllyssaM like this.
__________________


*Thank you kiliki for the siggy!*


Mom to Kennedy (2/19/11) and Caleb (8/6/12) and Expecting #3 10/13/14
Life As We Know It
  #11  
April 14th, 2013, 02:19 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 10,030
I typically lurk more than posting because I hate JM on my phone. I read this post earlier and have been formulating my response in my head. And I'll probably get flamed for this, but I don't really care. As the mother of a child with special needs let me first say that my child is not and will never be a burden. Not to us, not to her siblings and not to society. There is nothing wrong with her. She is a blessing just as all children are, and she has and will continue to do amazing things with her life. Maybe she will live on her own, and maybe she won't. Maybe she will get married and maybe she won't. But at the end of the day, the number of chromosomes that she happens to have does not define her or place a value on her life. Regardless of the conditions or number of chromosomes your child is born with, nothing defines their future but time.

And FYI - a statistic that not many people know, 80% of children with Down syndrome are born to women UNDER the age of 35. I had my daughter when I was 28.

To answer your question, it sounds like you really don't want another child, so I definitely don't think having only one is a bad idea. Personally, I hated being an only child, but I didn't base my decision to have a large family on that.
__________________


*Thank you kiliki for the siggy!*


Mom to Kennedy (2/19/11) and Caleb (8/6/12) and Expecting #3 10/13/14
Life As We Know It
  #12  
April 14th, 2013, 06:50 PM
TKbunny's Avatar Elias's slave..err..Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: where ever the food is
Posts: 2,811
I don't think you'll get flamed for your opinion, Jen, I certainly don't think bad of you for it. Everyone has a right to their own thoughts and I never said it would be a burden on DH and I, just that Elias might view it as such if that were his personality. I have 2 cousins with special needs, I love them both dearly but one's sister feels she is burdened by it already and the other does not feel this way. So I was simply saying that he may feel that way and I wouldn't want him to is all.

I guess I shouldn't have asked these type of questions, I didn't want to start a fight or have anyone think ill of me for my own personal worries. It's not fair that I can't state my fears without being made to feel like a heel, especially since I didn't mean anything bad by it. I've seen how other treat my cousins. I don't like it. And my Aunts and Uncles will tell anyone whom asks that while they love them and wouldn't change them for the world because they love who they are, they'd never wish for any child to go through what they have because others can't see past anything they feel makes someone different from what they think they should be. I was simply saying I wouldn't want my children to have to deal with ignorant people, but if in saying so I'm viewed as ignorant myself, I apologize.
__________________





  #13  
April 14th, 2013, 08:32 PM
MosaicWife's Avatar Missa
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Virginia
Posts: 4,738
I see both sides. I understand Jennifer because I'm there too and you do get a bit ruffled when people see a special needs child as a worst fear. It's just a knee-jerk reaction. We can't help but take it personally. And I can see your side too Tina because I do worry about placing Doc's care on his siblings in the future. I don't want them to resent him but hopefully I will raise them to love their brother and they won't mind taking care of him. However, since this is all incredibly hypothetical I still stick to what I said earlier. Take a giant step away from this topic and just enjoy your little boy. The future will be here soon enough.
__________________



Closed Topic

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:06 AM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0