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I'm having major money issues with my SO. He is constantly buying things and planning things for himself, behind my back. He hasn't bought one thing for the baby yet! I wouldn't have anything for our baby if it wasn't for the generosity of some of my family members... He just started working a couple of weeks ago and is finally starting to get paychecks. He promised that he wouldn't be irresponsible with his money since we are on such a TIGHT budget. But he is completely keeping me out of the loop with anything money related. He has spent a couple hundred dollars to "customize" his already VERY expensive guitar. I was unaware he was planning on doing any of this. It'd be fine if he made a ton of money, or we were in a more stable spot. But we aren't and on our budget a couple hundred dollars on unnecessary stuff is a LOT of money.
Today I found out that he is planning a trip out of town to go see this really expensive tattoo artist to get his entire side done. It's going to be 1000's of dollars to finish it. He doesn't even have a clue that I know about all of this... I ended up snooping through his facebook. Which I felt bad for at first, but after finding all of the things going on without my knowledge I don't feel so bad anymore. I have a very generous family, so when they see I am in need they always help out. He sees that as a chance to not have to provide for me or the baby I guess. But just because other people WILL buy things for the baby doesn't mean it should be their responsibility. It's actually pretty embarrassing for me to have to ask my family for so much help (when I have a partner with a job!!!). I can't believe this is the sort of crap he is spending all of his money on. Instead of helping out with buying things for his son. I am so hurt and don't even know how to handle this. I'm furious that he wasn't planning on telling me that instead of buying the things we need, (baby clothes, food, a CAR, our house utilites!) he is going to spend literally thousands on a tattoo. Something to just improve his "looks", while we don't have much food in the house and still need a ton of things for the baby. It's not like I'm even asking him to buy ANYTHING for me. I just want him to buy things for his son, that's it. But he is spending all of it on himself and not even thinking about how it's going to affect us.
Sorry I just needed to vent. How would you handle this? Do I just tell him I went through his facebook and snooped? I feel like that makes me look so bad, but on the other hand I did have some pretty valid suspicions as to why I was checking it out in the first place...
Oh Leanna! Big hugs, girl!!! I understand where you are coming from and I have to say, your DH sounds like he isn't being supportive AT all! I know that he's probably excited to finally have money to himself (since he just started getting a paycheck again) and he wants to get things he's been wanting. But with a baby on the way, I agree that spending thousands on a tattoo right now is NOT a priority!
I would sit him down and have a mature conversation about it. Tell him you know about his tattoo plans and you feel like he needs to set a certain amount of each paycheck aside for baby related things. This is his child; that is NOT too much to ask for, like you said! see if he will agree to set such-and-such amount back every week (or however often he gets paid) and that money is to be used on getting food or baby things. What he does with the rest can be up to him but I definitely think he needs to start contributing to the baby fund!
I'd call him on it, tell him that if he didn't sit down and agree to a written budget EVERY MONTH from here on out that you both promised to follow, that you were leaving and filing for child support. End of story. He's put you through enough crap. Also, have to say, it is VERY hard to be united in your finances if you're not married, because there is always this sense of "mine and yours"... even AFTER we got married, it took awhile for us to get to the point where we didn't think of our paychecks as our own, but rather as one big pool that we drew from. I think guys have an especially hard time with this. Good luck!
I agree ^:] DH and I had a hard time at first when we got married not saying I paid for this or that, and realize that it's one. I'd be upfront with him and tell him the samething, that he either starts putting money aside to pay or the court will make him put money aside. Of course you'd need to word this nicely and not confrontational, I dont think that will get you very far if you talk at him hostile and pissed off. Just from my own experience with my DH if I talk to him nicely/calm I get so much further with him then if I'm angry and mad when I talk with him. Good Luck!
I agree with Doremi. My SO and I are not married, don't share a bank acct and are at the point now where we split costs. I have done majority of the spending on the baby, but what I spend on the baby he spends on other things needed for the other kids or necessities. I would talk to him and if he is unwilling to see your side of it, I don't think it is worth your frustration. One way or another (legal proceedings or not) he will need to support his child.
I would definitely sit him down and try to politely discuss it. My husband and I went through this stage ourselves back when he was my SO and living with me. Time and patience allowed us to understand that what we make we make together. It was hard but my husband finally learned to grasp that expenses of large amounts need to be discussed first before just going out and doing it. If he had it his way, he'd buy nothing but computer upgrades and every single gadget known to man. Now that we have set priorities, goals, and a budget worked out, we've managed to work it out where he still gets to splurge occasionally while being able to take care of our priorities.
First off, you need to tell him you snooped his facebook etc. Healthy adult relationships are based on trust, honesty and communication. If you do not model these traits to your boyfriend, you cannot expect them in return (we all know the old adage "do unto others.."). Apologize to him for violating his trust and privacy, and discuss with him your feelings about the information you found and what conclusions you came to that brought you to that decision in the first place.
Second, do you share finances? (ie. all income comes and goes from a shared account)
If yes: discuss with him the common-sense facts of money management with committed couples. When a budget has been agreed upon by both couples, extra spending must also be agreed upon by both parties on a case-by-case basis, particularly when it poses a risk to the financial health of the couple. If money is tight, responsible spending is the only way to keep financial stress to a minimum.
If no: sorry, but his spending is not your business. If you have not already, you need to make a shared budget, to be contributed to from separate finances, in which you lay out who will be paying what portion of which bills... including the expenses of the baby, before and after the birth. Set up a joint account that you both deposit money in to for these things to be paid from and call it a day on worrying about what the other person is spending their extra money on. It's a hard fact of separate finances, and it's something I don't personally undersatnd and would not personally tolerate in a relationship... but many people do and it works. You have to let go of the idea of controlling what isn't yours, just because you're in a relationship with that person.
At the end of the day, either he pays his share or he pays child support. If he can't be mature with the finances surrounding the life decisions you have made together, I would question his ability to be mature with parenting the child that is needing those finances. I wouldn't waste my time on someone who was not committed to the idea of raising a family together.
so sorry you are going thru this! this is SOOOO familiar to me, my daughters dad was exactly like this and in the 6 years we were together it NEVER got better no matter how many times i sat him down, with mike its completly different, we are not married but i pay the bills, i control his checking account, bc he would spend to much, maybe its just gunna come down to you doing that
It's not that I try to control (or even could if I wanted to, what he does with HIS money) I just expect him to do equal parts when it comes to the baby and things relating to the household. All of my money goes to the food we eat, the house we live in, our child, etc. He's yet to put any money forth towards ANY of those things. Which is what upsets me. I do plan on telling him I went through his facebook. And I agree that a healthy relationship IS built on trust. And in normal circumstances I wouldn't ever feel the need to do such a thing. But this isn't a healthy relationship at the moment and he has been unfaithful to me, and hides MANY things from me. It's hard for me to not look, when it's open on my computer and I know the things he has done in the past. It might not be the best thing, but I think anyone in my situation would feel the urge to peek.
Anyways, thank you for the advice ladies. I'm still not sure what to do about the matter. But all of you being here, does help. Thank you.
Boy oh boy what a difficult situation. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I will say that sometimes it takes baby getting here before they really realize the magnitude of the situation. My dh was like this. It took about a month after our ds was born for it to all click in his head. One day he did a total turn around with his attitude toward the baby and the situation. He has been amazing since that moment. Perhaps it will be the same with your bf? From previous posts it sounds like your bf is a very selfish person and his family sounds the same. This may or may not get better after baby is born, but I hope it does. It is one thing to KNOW that a baby is coming but it is entirely another once they are here and reality gives a good hard slap in the face. I agree with the other ladies. You need to sit him down and talk to him, but try to have some patience until after baby is here to see if having your son here makes a difference because it just might.
Hang in there little lady. I wish you nothing but the best outcome!
For what it's worth, no matter what the relationship or how the finances are set up (joint or separate), I think it is ALWAYS healthy for each person to have a certain amount of money each month that they don't have to answer to the other for. Whether that's $5 that you get to spend on a Starbucks latte, or several hundred dollars (HA! I WISH I was in that boat!). I agree with what somebody previously said, that if you can come up with a dollar amount that you are both going to agree to contribute to necessities and baby related stuff each month, then whatever is left could be used at your individual discretion. I'm sorry to hear he hasn't been faithful in the past to you... that would definitely make me want to peek on FB too. In fact, once they screw up like that, I kind of believe they aren't entitled to much privacy until they have earned your trust back.
This is just my opinion, so feel free to ignore it if it's unwanted, but I feel like from everything you have said about him here, you should dump him. He doesn't seem to take good care of you at all or contribute to anything, and your family does nothing but support you...I think you should let him go. He will pay child support.
I agree with Sarah's posts.
I will also tell you that my DH and I had an especially hard time with this even when we got married. It seems like money is always an issue. I agree that dedicating X amount of dollars per week/month to bills, baby fund, and personal would be a good place for you guys to start, but make sure its something you can both firmly agree on. Good luck, relationships certainly aren't easy sometimes
My fiance was actually the one that said that we should get a joint account and let each other know what we were spending money on, what we need to budget for, etc. I am apparently incredibly lucky for this based on everyone's posts!!
It sounds like your boyfriend is immature, which happens. I know when DF and I first started dating, he would spend $1000's on tattoos as well....I just couldn't understand it! We struggled for a little while with money, but he finally got it together and found his priorities. And this changed even more when I got pregnant - he luckily got a job right before we found out, and he started saving all of the extra money from his paychecks. He actually saved more than I did! I agree that your BF will probably realize too late that he needs to help out. I'm sorry you're going through this girl :/ And I know it is easier said than done to just dump him. When you are having a baby with someone, it changes everything. Unfortunately, not always maturity levels.
Just be open and talk with him. Tell him you saw the stuff on FB. He should be contributing if he truly loves you. My DF would kick him in the balls knowing you guys were having a boy and he was being such a d-bag to you lol!!!
awwwwwwww sweetie Im so sorry you are dealing with all of this... I agree with a lot that has been said... I think you for sure need to sit him down and explain that he NEEDS to (not an option) help pay for half of everything! since you dont have a joint account... and all of those bills need to be paid for FIRST then he can do whatever the hell he wants to do with the rest of the money he has... that way its taking a load off of your finances too! it sucks that you have to go through all of this to begin with... and feel free to vent/talk to me any time you need to!
I think he needs to grow the heck up! he cant be a care free s.o.b. anymore he has a child on the way! sorry but your baby comes FIRST!
I'm going to have to agree with Jessica. It absolutely sucks that you are going through this. My DH and I decided from the get go to join our stuff. This way we knew all bills were paid and if one or the other want something, we check the budget and if money allows we get it. If not, we save it up. This way it's not just all him or all me. You and your BF are partners. There is no shame in finding out if he is doing something behind your back especially if he has lied to you in the past. Definitely sit him down, and you guys discuss a budget plan. If he helps with baby and bills, I see no reason why he can't save up and get his tat work done. However, if it's a priority over the bills and baby...it's time to introduce frying pan to forehead <3 Good luck girly
