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How to Get DH's Attention


Forum: October 2012 Playroom

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  #1  
March 5th, 2013, 09:06 AM
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I hope this doesn't come off as ungrateful, because I'm not. My dh is a wonderful guy and amazing father. He just doesn't seem to know I'm alive lately. If we have sex once every two weeks, that's doing good. I send him flirty texts, nothing. Last night he knew I was reading 50 shades of grey and he was watching a hunting video on his phone. I put my iPad down, rolled over, draped my leg over him and layed on his chest, nothing. I told you about the clothes steamer for V-day. I'll write him really sweet texts or emails and I get back U 2. But yet he has time to text and call his friends all the time. Our older dd is spending the weekend with my parents. I asked him night before last, how about we take Meghan to the baseball game? One of the few things besides hunting he actually enjoys. He said, "Sounds great!" Then he texts me yesterday and asks if I have plans for Friday night and Saturday, and I said no. He said, good, there's a two night coon hunt I want to go to. When he's not hunting he works ALL THE TIME. I appreciate the effort b/c he's trying to earn a good bonus, but I miss him! I don't know how to get his attention? I've talked to him about it, he says he's sorry and he'll work on it, but nothing changes. We've been together 15 years, married 10. Is this as good as it gets? Thanks for letting me rant...
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  #2  
March 5th, 2013, 09:10 AM
Peytonsmomma
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have you straight up told him ..whats going on?
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  #3  
March 5th, 2013, 09:33 AM
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Yeah, I have. He just says he's so busy at work he doesn't stop for five minutes. But he has time to research hunting dogs, talk to his friends, etc. I just feel like I rank pretty low on his priority list.
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  #4  
March 5th, 2013, 11:53 AM
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Thank you!!!
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  #5  
March 5th, 2013, 12:22 PM
KatherineD's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I think what cuatx said is great. But whatever you do, don't be afraid to talk, no matter what. I would say he's depressed, but he still wants to hunt. I'm sorry you are dealing with this
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  #6  
March 5th, 2013, 12:25 PM
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I talked to him a bit this morning, and he was very apologetic. I know he doesn't mean to hurt me. I think we've just been together so long, he gets comfortable and forgets to make an effort. I'm just as guilty of that as well. Thanks for letting me vent! Don't know what i'd do without you ladies!
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  #7  
March 5th, 2013, 12:27 PM
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Maybe he should meet up with my husband. He hunts all the time as well. I feel bad though because it is the other way around in this house. DH begs and I am not interested. I need to be better

I really hope you get some time together!
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  #8  
March 5th, 2013, 01:32 PM
mommaof4andhalf's Avatar Mighty Midget Minion Mom
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I hope your talk worked with him. I've had to tell my hubby a few times that he was being distant. I would send him sweet emails and he would tell me that he had no idea what to say since he used all his good stuff while getting me to marry him. I had to explain to recycle his old stuff since it obviously worked or come up with new stuff to say.

As for being flirty, I generally have to take charge because he is incredibly shy. Usually if he has his phone or laptop I will take it from him and then drag him off to bed. Or if he is in the shower I will take over and wash him. I don't give him a chance to object. It's a 50/50 risk of him turning me down but usually he doesn't. I would say that it's worth it because at least you tried everything you possibly could plus some.

I hope you find a happy medium with y our hubby that can have you both being happy <3
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  #9  
March 5th, 2013, 04:24 PM
Belita's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I hope the talk helped! I have to remind DH to pay attention to me sometimes. He's getting better but he lived alone for 6 years and didn't date anyone longer than 6 months before he met me, so it's an adjustment for him. For my husband it's not hunting, it's "getting things done" like brewing beer and woodworking.
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  #10  
March 5th, 2013, 08:55 PM
michellelove0502's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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You are gorgeous, if I were you I would surprise him in some lingerie and some lit candles maybe a nice meal. I do not think this requires a serious conversation or any ultimatums. I would just give him something he cannot resist and I doubt he will. Sometimes guys do not realize they are being neglectful when they are but when they're neglected sexually and socially they make sure to let us know!
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  #11  
March 5th, 2013, 09:57 PM
Peytonsmomma
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agree with michelle! plus take the phone out of his hand when he is in bed
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  #12  
March 6th, 2013, 03:25 AM
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Yes, phone and tv and bed don't mix for me. In the bedroom, his 2 focus should be you and sleep. Also, talk to him about his work. Is he stressed with work? I think men get preoccupied with work stress at times and that affects their interest in sex. When the kids are asleep, can you get something to do together - watch a movie, or a game? Before getting pregnant with Luyando, we were faithful about doing date nights on fridays but now we feel guilty now leaving my mom with the 2 kids. We have done just once since having Luyando; we'll probably try doing once a month until my mom leaves. Could you do that? And during date night, no cell phone apart for calls relating to kids. Or plan with your parents to leave the kids since meghan sleep through the night and just book an hotel for a night (maybe a different setting will help him relax. Every relationship goes through some rut (particularly after the birth of a child) but things eventually perk up. Hang in there; it will get better.
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  #13  
March 6th, 2013, 06:58 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yashobo View Post
Yes, phone and tv and bed don't mix for me. In the bedroom, his 2 focus should be you and sleep. Also, talk to him about his work. Is he stressed with work? I think men get preoccupied with work stress at times and that affects their interest in sex. When the kids are asleep, can you get something to do together - watch a movie, or a game? Before getting pregnant with Luyando, we were faithful about doing date nights on fridays but now we feel guilty now leaving my mom with the 2 kids. We have done just once since having Luyando; we'll probably try doing once a month until my mom leaves. Could you do that? And during date night, no cell phone apart for calls relating to kids. Or plan with your parents to leave the kids since meghan sleep through the night and just book an hotel for a night (maybe a different setting will help him relax. Every relationship goes through some rut (particularly after the birth of a child) but things eventually perk up. Hang in there; it will get better.
I feel the same way! My parents offer to keep both girls, but I know it's a lot. We got a hotel room for our ten year anniversary in January, he fell asleep!!! I sat up by myself watching Mad Men on my iPad. His job is extremely stressful. I try my best to make our home life as stress free as possible.
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  #14  
March 6th, 2013, 09:34 PM
Teeniemama's Avatar Super Mommy
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I think Cutax had good advice. I think Michelle's seduction idea is good too, but you might need a more serious conversation (also) if it's an ongoing problem. Y'all have two little kids, one being a new baby, and that changes everyone's schedule including his. It's hard to see where hunting is a priority in this situation, or any other hobby activity.

You might want to frame your talk in terms of your marriage, rather than your feelings. I would try to find out more about how he's feeling, too. From what you said in your post, he sounds kind of disconnected or pre-occupied.

Bringing a new baby into the mix is not the easiest thing in the world! I'm learning that. Hang in there!
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  #15  
March 6th, 2013, 10:04 PM
doremi's Avatar Team Blue Mama of Two
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Have you read the Five Love Languages book? I know that it really made DH and I realize why we were feeling neglected by each other. It was because I feel loved by acts of service, and therefore do things like fold his laundry, cook him breakfast, etc. to show him I love him. His strongest love language is physical touch, so before we read the book together, that is how he would show his affection toward me. But since that wasn't MY love language, I didn't pick up on the fact that he was showing me that he loved me... I felt WAY more loved if he cleaned the kitchen for me, or changed the baby's diaper in the middle of the night. It sounds like maybe there is some miscommunication going on between the two of you... maybe you need to be really clear with one another what each of you needs from the other in order to feel secure and loved. And it also sounds like he is being a bit lazy If things don't start to get better, I would encourage you to see a marriage counselor. Sometimes a neutral person can point things out that you as the spouse wouldn't be able to get your DH to accept coming from you, and I know you both value your marriage, so I'm sure if certain things were pointed out that could use work, you would both do what it took to fix them! I'm sorry you're feeling so neglected
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  #16  
March 7th, 2013, 09:53 AM
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Thank you ladies for all of your advise! My best friend pointed out something that made sense to me. We are happy with each other for the most part, so when he gets stressed in other areas, he focuses on them b/c he knows I'll be ok and I'm not going anywhere. We had a really good talk, and things have been much better. He told me he knows I love him, and he just needs to do a better job of showing me how much he loves me. Guess its a good problem to have that I want to be with him more and get more attention from him instead of the opposite, right?
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  #17  
March 7th, 2013, 10:00 AM
jlstebbins's Avatar *Super*Mega*Mommy*
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Sarah had a really good point abou the book! Love that book by the way! Hope things are getting better!!
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  #18  
March 7th, 2013, 10:01 AM
Peytonsmomma
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i love the 5 love languages book!
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