[LiamsMother]

What I love about this group is that we can have discussions on controversial topics and still be respectful of each other. I actually saw this on another due date club. What are your views on teen pregnancy? What, in your opinions, are the ways to reduce it, if you feel that it is a problem that needs to be solved?

My personal opinion, I know is going to be different than most of yours. But, here it goes. I'll talk about my views and how I came to be this way. As a teen, I wasn't of strong faith, like I am now. So, it never was a "holy" thing, it was a logical thing. I never wanted to be a teen mom. Most of the kids in my family, although not of teen parents, were unplanned. I just didn't trust contraception. I always thought that I'd be the .01% that ended up pregnant despite being "careful". I never wanted to give a child up for adoption and I've never really been a fan of abortion, myself. Also, I watched a lot of my friends get screwed over by guys. They'd either be in love or really wanting to keep a guy, and he'd split as soon as he "got what he wanted". Seeing that really frightened me. I got dumped, too, for the opposite reason. I wouldn't give it up. It hurt to be broken up with, like that, but at least I still had my self-respect in tact.

My husband, even though we didn't know each other as teenagers, was the same as me. He didn't have friends that got dumped because of what they wouldn't do, but he saw the divorce between emotions and sex that a lot of teen boys have, and he didn't want to be a part of that. He also wanted to marry a virgin and he's not the type of person to have standards for other people that he wouldn't have for himself. And of course, there's the logical, he didn't want to get someone pregnant and not have a future. At the time, he wasn't of strong faith either. That's something we both later came to.

So, for each of us, abstinence was what we chose. It is what we'll raise our children with and I'm fairly certain that we will be successful in instilling that in our children. I don't agree with scaring or shaming teens into abstaining. I certainly don't agree with misinformation, either. I don't like presentations of STD having genitalia or saying that condoms only have a 20% effective rate. I believe in presenting the facts but also explaining, probably in detail, over and over again, why your morality is the way that is best for your children, regardless of what that morality is.

I think a lot of people have the "They're going to do it anyways" mentality. If teens are told that, then what else are they to think? I think we need to show teens that they can have standards for themselves that they are perfectly capable of attaining. Abstinence is not as impossible as I've heard the media portray it to be. It is doable. It's not easy at times, but it is certainly not impossible. That's my opinion on the situation. Those who disagree with me, that's fine. I can still respect, and even appreciate, your point of view. So, what does everyone think of teen pregnancy? Is it a problem in your eyes, and if so, what should be done about it?

[KatherineD]

This is something that scares me (even if I had a son. I'm with your DH. It's socially ok for a guy to sleep around and there is a disconnect between sex and love with guys and I hate that and don't want that for my son, should I have one). I don't want to teach only abstinence and never have a real conversation about sex. That backfires so badly because then they are not educated and knowledge is power. I plan on explaining to the kids that sex is something that is very special and that every time you have sex with someone, you give a piece of yourself to them. High School/teenage years are so confusing as it is, adding sex to it just makes it more confusing. I can't tell them to remain virgins until marriage (neither DH and I were virgins when we married, he's the only guy I've been with though), but I don't want them sleeping around giving themselves to anyone who comes along.

Teenage pregnancy, though down (I believe) is such a problem. It's so much harder for a teen to get ahead with a child in tow. It's not impossible, but it is definitely harder. There does need to be education and counseling. Teens need to be taught on an emotional level as well, with what sex can do. I believe that there is a disconnect among teens and sex. It's so out there in everything and some parents just aren't there for their kids and don't know how to teach and approach that subject. Until parents get more involved, I don't know if there is going to be much of a change.

[Leanne78]

I plan to be totally open with my daughter about sex, but I also plan to drill abstinence into her head from day one and not let her date until she's 30. Probably will invest in a chastisty belt and a shotgun too.... Man, I'm not looking forward to the teen years! My parents kept me so busy with activities that I had little time for boys. I had my little crushes here and there, but I was heavily into figure skating and my mornings and nights were packed with practice sessions. The few boys we had on the rink weren't "interested" anyways. Now the hockey players...

As far as teen pregnancy, I have no idea what to do about it. Not really sure what would help. When I worked at a restaurant with a lot of 17 year old hostesses, I was shocked how many of them were sexually active and not using protection because their BF's didn't like it. They'd all been through sex ed and knew how things worked, but it still wasn't enough to stop them. Don't know how you get through to them. I will say half of their parents were probably in denial that their kids were sexually active and just turned a blind eye to it. Most of the girls would admit that their parents had no idea.

[Glycerin19]

I never thought about it when I was a teenager. I never had a boyfriend or anyone who was slightly interested in me in any way, so sex was the furthest thing from my mind. I also thought that any sex would lead to a baby, so it was a huge revelation when I couldn't get pregnant after I was married. I will educate my children properly, even if that means that I give them the tools to have safe sex. That said, I wasn't a virgin going into marriage (but only just by one experience.) My husband wasn't either. He'd had a long term GF in high school, his only other partner.

For my kids, I am always open and honest about it. Only one has ever asked me the details. He's 11 and still thinks the very idea is truly appalling. I have no doubt that will change in a few years. We sometimes talk about how sex is for committed adult relationships, but that I realize at some point it's going to be on his mind a lot. I hope our open relationship right now will lead to his willingness to talk to me when those times come. I'm not going to push abstinence, but I am going to push responsibility.

I think we have a slight advantage as well being homeschoolers because I know everyone that my kids know, and their parents. This will not always be the case, but it feels comforting for now. I know I can talk to any of the kids or their parents, and they to us, if something should come up in the future.

[amhk]

This is definitely something that concerns me for the future. I am with Leanne, I plan to keep my girls from dating until they are 30 and invest in a chastity belt and shotgun Seriously though, I do plan to teach my kids to wait until marriage before having sex and pray that they will have the willpower to do so. I will also educate them on everything related to sex so that if they choose to have sex before marriage they will understand the consequences- physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Unlike the feelings I had toward my parents, I hope my children will feel comfortable to talk with my husband and I about anything, especially this subject and even if they have done things that would sadden us.
While it doesn't always turn out badly for teen mothers and their children, it is clearly not ideal and can have major consequences. Someone very close to me became a mother at 19 and her life has had a very different and more difficult path than my own. I don't say that with any judgment because I made the same decisions that she did. It was for my benefit as well as my children's benefit that I did not become a mother until I was older and had worked through a lot things.

[cindy6]

I got pregnant at 18. I didn't think anything of it, Dh and I knew that once we added children we would do everything in our power to stay together, we were both very commited to raising our children with both parents. I know that not a lot of teenagers think this way, but I wouldn't have changed anything, looking back we did have growing up to do but it all worked out. Now if you ask me what I think if my kids were to come to us at 18 pregnant, that is different, lol. They seem like baby's lol(I'm sure we did back then to!!) My son is 8 months from being the age dh and I were when we met (17) he seems to young.
My 123 yo has a pregnant girl in her school ( she's in 8th grade :/) I don't think I could handle a youn teen pregnancy. When I was in school there weren't a whole lot of pregnant girls maybe 4-5 my whole high school years. I'll have to ask my boy's if there are many at the high school.
I have talked about sex w/ my kids from a very early age, and while we pray they will wait for marriage, I have always told them if they feel they need to sooner to come to us for protection.

[3kids3cats]

I'm with Katherine.
Teens ARE going to have sex and there is no getting around that.
Education is important, but I think having conversations (especially with girls) about the emotional/mental consequences of sex are just as important as teaching them about contraceptives.
Every so often I substitute teach at the high school level and there are always pregnant girls there (it's an urban district where I sub). It's really depressing, but a lot of these girls are just looking for love and think having sex will help them get it.

I watch MTV's Teen Mom and it annoys me how unrealistic it can be because the kids have their own places etc (they use the money from MTV-but they never mention that on the show). My favorite story is Catelynn who gave her baby up for adoption. I feel terrible for the majority of the babies on the show. 99% of the time a teenager is not equipped to be an effective mother, as they still need mothering themselves! Plus they cannot support themselves or their children financially. One very noticeable thing about the show is the messed up family dynamics most of them have. I really think that kids with healthy, loving relationships with their parents are less likely to end up pregnant, or at least if they do, will have the support they need in order to do what is best for the child.

[~Tanya~]

I was a teen mom too... The first time I got pregnant, I was actually 16, but had a m/c, then I got pregnant with my son at 17 & had him 2 mths shy of my 18th birthday (both pregnancies were with the same guy). At that age I thought we would be together forever and we actually discussed the entire thing and were not trying to prevent it from happening either. Things obviously did not work out and I ended up being a single mom from when I was 5 mths pregnant with DS.

I will never preach to anyone that it is a good idea, but I will never say it can't be done. I did it, and did it by myself. Not the way I intended, but we have to keep going, right? I was very focused on what I wanted to accomplish and was very independent - I went on from that point and worked and went to school, had a second child (while using condoms) and kept going. It took me a bit longer than I wanted, but I did it.

Having a teenage daughter and also a son gives me two other viewpoints too... I remember what I did as a teenager, so though I always tell her she can't date till she's 30, I know that is not realistic. She knows, as does my son, how old I was when I had each of them & I have always tried to instill in them the importance of waiting, so they can accomplish their goals in the time frame they desire. My daughter knows what happens, even using protection & I am very honest in telling them that if they are not ready for a child, they should wait to have sex. Realism dictactes that they will probably experiment and should either of them end up in a situation where they could be teenage parents, what can you do but be there for support.

That said, I think that there are certain things in our society that make it seem like a pregnancy in your teenage years is to be glorified - a big example of that is that 16 and pregnant show. They don't show the stories of those who really struggle, who live in roach infested apartments because they can't afford anything else. I think if the show portrayed the real environment that a 16 year old with a baby can live in and live through, perhaps it would make others think twice about having sex and definitely about using contraceptives (which can fail).

I know too many people who have had their tubes tied, vasectomies, on the pill (religiously) or many other contraceptives and ended up pregnant, to think that just focusing on contraceptive use is the right thing. Who really knows what the right thing is... I think a combo of school and parental teaching of the importance of abstinence and contraceptives - not one exclusively will be a good step.

[Belita]

There were a ton of pregnant girls and teen moms at my high school in Tennessee. When I moved to Massachusetts it was so strange to me to not see a single pregnant girl in the whole school.

I agree with everyone who said that it's going to happen. Our culture now is so sexualized that it's near impossible to even shield young children from it, never mind teens. I agree that the best approach is to teach abstinence, waiting for a true love, and also about protection and consequences.

[Irene.C]

I dont think teenagers having sex is anything new. We are biologically driven to have sex after puberty. That said I believe that the biggest prevention of pregnancies is information. I had health in middle school and high school that had talks about contraception and in biology class we spent a whole day talking about all the different types of contraception and there failure rates. I was sexually active in high school and I was very careful and on top of my contraception. I had a condom fail once and got the morning after pill right away. I am also pro choice. I think teenagers need to understand all the consequences of sex emotional, physical, financial so they can make their own decisions. Having a good and stable home life I think is the biggest thing in preventing bad behavior in teens. As parents we can only give them tools not make decisions for them.

[alybr]

I do believe abstinence is the right choice, but I do believe some teenagers will still have sex even if abstinence taught. I will teach abstinence though just because that's the only true and absolute means of no pregnancies and std's, and want my kids to have the best future possible. It's so difficult to raise a kid by yourself at that age, and very hard to accomplish your goals when a baby is in the picture and they're now your number 1 responsiblity. They have plenty of years for sex I see no reason why they should start before they get out of high school. I personally was a virgin until my sophmore or junior year in college, and was extremely safe when I did. Was on the pill and used other protection on top of it. I think it's probably best to keep your kids extremely busy with other stuff at that age, sports or whatnot, and teach them the consequences of sex, using examples of other people works the best But If I had a child I believe would have sex even if i taught abstinence, I would definetly get them on the pill even though I'm against sex at such a young age.

[LiamsMother]

Again, I have to reiterate how I'm loving the fact that despite our agreements or disagreements on this topic, I really appreciate everyone's respectfulness. One thing I would like to add is how silence, I've noticed, leads to teen pregnancy. By silence, I mean not saying a peep about sex, ever! At my old church, there was a lady that was appalled that the school (catholic) was going to start sex education (abstinence based, might I add). She thought that that was completely inappropriate and wrong. Well, she had her first child when she was 16 and her oldest daughter also had a child at 16. I was kind of surprised that she didn't see that silence from her parents and to her children, lead to this. Her case isn't the only one of silence leading to teen pregnancy. In my native country (South Africa), parents would rather jump off a cliff, than say anything about sex. This has lead to less than ideal situations with regards to teens and pregnancy (and AIDS, but that's a different topic altogether). I really don't like silence. Without guidance, whether conservative or liberal, I don't think much good can come from that. Even people that are on the opposite spectrum as me, regarding sex education, I still applaud them for saying something, rather than leaving it up to the imaginations of teens as to what "right" is.

[Jamyandcrew]

Originally Posted by LiamsMother

What I love about this group is that we can have discussions on controversial topics and still be respectful of each other. I actually saw this on another due date club. What are your views on teen pregnancy? What, in your opinions, are the ways to reduce it, if you feel that it is a problem that needs to be solved?

My personal opinion, I know is going to be different than most of yours. But, here it goes. I'll talk about my views and how I came to be this way. As a teen, I wasn't of strong faith, like I am now. So, it never was a "holy" thing, it was a logical thing. I never wanted to be a teen mom. Most of the kids in my family, although not of teen parents, were unplanned. I just didn't trust contraception. I always thought that I'd be the .01% that ended up pregnant despite being "careful". I never wanted to give a child up for adoption and I've never really been a fan of abortion, myself. Also, I watched a lot of my friends get screwed over by guys. They'd either be in love or really wanting to keep a guy, and he'd split as soon as he "got what he wanted". Seeing that really frightened me. I got dumped, too, for the opposite reason. I wouldn't give it up. It hurt to be broken up with, like that, but at least I still had my self-respect in tact.

My husband, even though we didn't know each other as teenagers, was the same as me. He didn't have friends that got dumped because of what they wouldn't do, but he saw the divorce between emotions and sex that a lot of teen boys have, and he didn't want to be a part of that. He also wanted to marry a virgin and he's not the type of person to have standards for other people that he wouldn't have for himself. And of course, there's the logical, he didn't want to get someone pregnant and not have a future. At the time, he wasn't of strong faith either. That's something we both later came to.

So, for each of us, abstinence was what we chose. It is what we'll raise our children with and I'm fairly certain that we will be successful in instilling that in our children. I don't agree with scaring or shaming teens into abstaining. I certainly don't agree with misinformation, either. I don't like presentations of STD having genitalia or saying that condoms only have a 20% effective rate. I believe in presenting the facts but also explaining, probably in detail, over and over again, why your morality is the way that is best for your children, regardless of what that morality is.

I think a lot of people have the "They're going to do it anyways" mentality. If teens are told that, then what else are they to think? I think we need to show teens that they can have standards for themselves that they are perfectly capable of attaining. Abstinence is not as impossible as I've heard the media portray it to be. It is doable. It's not easy at times, but it is certainly not impossible. That's my opinion on the situation. Those who disagree with me, that's fine. I can still respect, and even appreciate, your point of view. So, what does everyone think of teen pregnancy? Is it a problem in your eyes, and if so, what should be done about it?

I love this p.o.v. I couldn't agree more and honestly never thought about approaching it this way. "Yes, you are going to want to do it but really think about consequences...what if you are the small % that has contraception that fails, are you prepared to abort or give your baby away?" Puts things in perspective.
I was not a virgin when I git married and I put myself in some risky situations pregnancy wise but I did hold onto if far longer than most kids do I think mostly because my mom pumped up my ego constantly telling me I was too good to
give it up for the boys in school and so I didn't want to just give it to anyone. But having g to look those painful topics in the face might have worked. Do you guys watch 16 & pregnant? I think that does a great job of illustrating why girls should not have sex!

[NewGurl]

I know plenty Of teens who have had and raised well are raising good respectful well cared for children. And I know plenty of adults who Have raised there children terribly blatantly ignored there needs left them with people who wernt even related because they jus didn't feel like dealing with them an not shown back up for months.

I think saying teen pregnancy is a problem because teens aren't ready is wrong there are plenty of teens who are ready and there are plenty of adults who still arnt ready. teens just like adults need to know the facts and be able to make decisions. Im 21 and feel no more prepared for children then i did at 16 Honestly im probably less prepared because I had a better job at that age And lived closer to several friends/mothers who would have gladly provided me hand me downs and support That I have no access to where I am currently.

Im not trying to encourage it here Im just saying It has a lot more to do with an individuals responsibility then there age and getting pregnant when your young is not always a sign that your irresponsible. I have a friends that got pregnant at 15 And is currently in there senior year of college they raised there child on there own because there parents were super Christin and told them they could have an abortion or get out of there house because no daughter of theirs was going to have a baby out of wedlock. yeah things were tough but they were ready for it and Had no more difficulty then a married couple who losses there jobs or a single mom whos in her 20s or 30s The security we all say we should wait for to start a family is really just a figment of our own imagination 1 phone call can put you in the same situation so why judge people for being in that situation.

[mrs.wagner.10]

Originally Posted by NewGurl

I think saying teen pregnancy is a problem because teens aren't ready is wrong there are plenty of teens who are ready and there are plenty of adults who still arnt ready. teens just like adults need to know the facts and be able to make decisions. Im 21 and feel no more prepared for children then i did at 16 Honestly im probably less prepared because I had a better job at that age And lived closer to several friends/mothers who would have gladly provided me hand me downs and support That I have no access to where I am currently.

I really disagree with this part of your post. What happend to that better job you had at 16. Would you still have it to this day if you had a baby at a young age? If I was to be a teen parent I would want to do it on my own, Hell I want to do it on our own this go around anyway. Yes I am married but I am not going to expect hand outs for something we desided we were going to have. If you have unprotected sex you understand the chances of becoming a parent. Do I agree with teen pregnacy? No I do not but I also understand its going to happen. It could happen to my daughter. Am I going to teach my children about unprotected sex and teach then to not be embarassed by it? Yes. I will love my child either way but I will be very disapointed in them. As any parent would be. I am going to make them grow up and take responsability. I am not going to raise my grandchildren. My mother told me that she would not and I made sure that she wouldnt have to. She was a single mom who did it all on her own with out state help. Sure she worked 100 hours a week to be able to pay the bills but she did what she had to do. I respect teens who do go the whole mile and do it on their owns, They grow up and don't go out and forget that they have a child. Teens like that P**** me off to no end. I am against abortion but if your not ready to grow up and acept the responsablity of a child, give it up for adoption to a loving family who can't have children. I have had friends who went in for a abortion, I talked them out of it and actually got to see the child be placed in to a adopted home with a loving family. Sorry I am so all over the place..

[KatherineD]

No one is really equipped for a child. No matter what the age. I was a very mature teen, but when I realized how hard it was being a parent at 23, I thank God that I didn't have sex in HS and have a kid then. It's HARD to raise a child. Now only financially, but emotionally. Most teenagers are not equipped to be parents. Most of them can't even get full time jobs (I don't know about labor laws once you have a kid, but I know a 16 year old can only work a certain amount of hours), heck some of them can't even GET jobs at their age.

NewGurl (sorry, I'm really bad with names). No one is saying its impossible for a teen mom to beat the odds, but it's really hard. And with the way I see some kids being raised, it's down right scary to think of some of them as parents. I don't think anyone who was a teen parent wants that for their kids. It's a hard hard road to travel on and no one wants that for their kids. I know I want mine to not have such a heavy responsibility at a young age.

Amanda has if right. Talking with your kids about it is SO important. It was always talked about in my house and therefore made it less desirable. I knew I had plenty of time to experience a sexual relationship and all the risks involved that I never felt the need to have sex in HS. It's definitely not something to sweep under the rug because they will get their info from someone else and it may not be accurate or effective. And those lines of communication start when they're young.

[.h00dihoo.this.]

Originally Posted by NewGurl

I know plenty Of teens who have had and raised well are raising good respectful well cared for children. And I know plenty of adults who Have raised there children terribly blatantly ignored there needs left them with people who wernt even related because they jus didn't feel like dealing with them an not shown back up for months.

I think saying teen pregnancy is a problem because teens aren't ready is wrong there are plenty of teens who are ready and there are plenty of adults who still arnt ready. teens just like adults need to know the facts and be able to make decisions. Im 21 and feel no more prepared for children then i did at 16 Honestly im probably less prepared because I had a better job at that age And lived closer to several friends/mothers who would have gladly provided me hand me downs and support That I have no access to where I am currently.

Im not trying to encourage it here Im just saying It has a lot more to do with an individuals responsibility then there age and getting pregnant when your young is not always a sign that your irresponsible. I have a friends that got pregnant at 15 And is currently in there senior year of college they raised there child on there own because there parents were super Christin and told them they could have an abortion or get out of there house because no daughter of theirs was going to have a baby out of wedlock. yeah things were tough but they were ready for it and Had no more difficulty then a married couple who losses there jobs or a single mom whos in her 20s or 30s The security we all say we should wait for to start a family is really just a figment of our own imagination 1 phone call can put you in the same situation so why judge people for being in that situation.

What the...? ... Its not about teens being ready or not maturity-wise... Its about not wanting our children to have to struggle through life so early when all they should be worried about is being a child still.. Its also about respect.for.our parents... 99% of us still live at home with our parents... Its not okay to make them have to make the decision of whether or not to allow you to remain in the home, which means no rent or bills to pay.. And more than likelybour parents having to help some way or another financially.... its not so much about the agw as it is about the responsibilities that come with it and how ot affects everyone around... As a teen parent... Even with a job you probably wont be working somewherre that offers insurance.. So then you need welfare which means MY family has.to pay for.your child..

[Antrim]

I tend to think it is all about comminuication and empowering children with enough knowledge and self confidence that they can make the right choices for themselves in whatever situation comes up. I think they need to be educated about sex, how it works, how birth control works and it's limitations no matter how cautious you are, the risks and the consequences. I don't think scaring, shaming or trying to brainwash my child into a way of thinking will work but I think if they are educated and equipped to deal with situations before they occur then they will be able to handle them appropriately when they do. In the end we wouldn't be there at the crucial moments and there isn't a set script for teenage life so we can't cover every scenerio but we can give them education, morals, advice and confidence so they know who they are and what they choices they want to make regardless of what is thrown their way. Most of all I want them never to afraid to talk to me about anything, even if they don't think I will approve. i would rather hear their concerns or feelings before the choice is made than after it is too late.

[3kids3cats]

I had to post this article on the impact of sex ed I had bookmarked a few weeks ago:
Teen Sex Ed: Instead of Promoting Promiscuity, It Delays First Sex | Healthland | TIME.com

[LiamsMother]

Originally Posted by NewGurl

I know plenty Of teens who have had and raised well are raising good respectful well cared for children. And I know plenty of adults who Have raised there children terribly blatantly ignored there needs left them with people who wernt even related because they jus didn't feel like dealing with them an not shown back up for months.

I think saying teen pregnancy is a problem because teens aren't ready is wrong there are plenty of teens who are ready and there are plenty of adults who still arnt ready. teens just like adults need to know the facts and be able to make decisions. Im 21 and feel no more prepared for children then i did at 16 Honestly im probably less prepared because I had a better job at that age And lived closer to several friends/mothers who would have gladly provided me hand me downs and support That I have no access to where I am currently.

Im not trying to encourage it here Im just saying It has a lot more to do with an individuals responsibility then there age and getting pregnant when your young is not always a sign that your irresponsible. I have a friends that got pregnant at 15 And is currently in there senior year of college they raised there child on there own because there parents were super Christin and told them they could have an abortion or get out of there house because no daughter of theirs was going to have a baby out of wedlock. yeah things were tough but they were ready for it and Had no more difficulty then a married couple who losses there jobs or a single mom whos in her 20s or 30s The security we all say we should wait for to start a family is really just a figment of our own imagination 1 phone call can put you in the same situation so why judge people for being in that situation.

I don't want you to feel attacked. I can see where you're coming from. There are a lot of adults who aren't good parents, despite their age and "supposed" maturity. And yes, I have heard of teen parents doing well and making something of themselves. It's not impossible. But, it is a lot harder. Without as much support (both financial and emotional), teens have to work twice as hard and for a lot of young ladies, do all that work by themselves. It would be overwhelming to anyone at any age. Especially, for one whose resources may not be as abundant as they would've been say, a decade down the line. Some people may have the determination, stamina, drive to succeed, whatever you want to call it, to reach those goals. My hat's off to those young ladies that can be successful despite being young parents. I don't think I would've been driven enough or mature enough to have been one of those ladies, had I been a teen mother myself. So, I don't think you're totally off in your statement of readiness not necessarily correlating with age. My point is, while doable, teen parenting is not the most ideal situation. If that offends you, I apologize.