[NewGurl]

so Im not married I live with the father of my baby we have been together for over 2 years and as far as I know thats not changing anytime soon. however neither of us are really that interested in marriage. Hes older so been there done that not that into it and I honestly dont really see much reason for it I feel like we are committed to each other so the papers not necessary and if on the off chance we actully arnt breaking up is way easier then divorce. its been discussed revisited since the positive pregnancy test and still agreed on we just don't really feel marriage is necessary or the best course of action for us.


so why am I even bringing this up? because apparently this is really hard for ppl to except and i need something to say other then shove it. I mean i expected it from like mom or grandma they are older more traditional want the best for there babys yatta yatta but im catching heat from high school friends over this. because apparently since im "his baby momma he gotta put a ring on it or i need to start steppin cuz only stupid girlz be stayin if they aint commitin" im mean really for one look at that sentence and your judging my life choices do know how many times iv failed English and I know better then that. secondly its his choice if he proposes my choice as to whether or not I stay with him and even if I wanted a ring which I dont im pretty sure going "hey you my baby daddy so we gotta get hitched now" is the best way to enter the express lane for divorce.

I really dont know what to do when this comes up ppl dont even ask sometimes there just like oh your pregnant whens the wedding..........wait *** what wedding i said i was pregnant not engaged......gasp he hasent proposed well i never............ ffffffffffffuuuuuuu stop acting like my BF a homeless crack addict we dont want to get married right now..............incredulious look what about the baby...........uh what about the baby

this is literally like the last 5 conversations iv had with friends or family. am I way off base is this actually like a huge deal or is everyone around me acting kinda crazy. I just dont think we need to be married and doing it because im pregnant or ppl want us to seems like the worlds worst reasons. but apparently that explanation isnt good enough. uggg really is there a solution to this short of screaming I dont care what you think shut your pie hole.

[RootBudSkyTree]

I would just respond with "That's a decision between me and SO, I'd rather not discuss it" and if the questions continue I would respond with "It's none of your business, please stop bringing it up."
I think it's probably a natural curiosity for friends and family (although awkward to bring up depending on their relationship with you), so I think you just need to set boundaries with them maturely.

[Antrim]

Do you need to be married? No course not. Depends what you both want. 2 years isn't that long.

But marraige is a commitment on a level more than just living together. Living together and being married aren't the same. I think the concern of your friends is that there is a reason why you and he aren't getting married. Like one or both of you aren't sure about your future together. Not being married gives either one of you an easy out of the relationship. The baby is a life connection but not a commitment to each other.

I have had a lots of friends that had "committed" relationships for years that one of the couple just one day walked away from. Those guys usually went with the "but we live together and we are committed so it is just a piece of paper we don't need " reason for not proposing. It is like the "they just aren't that into you" excuse number 1 for not fully committing to someone and proposing.

If you really don't want to get married yet then there is nothing wrong. But if you are convincing yourself you don't want to because he had been through it before and doesn't want to get married again then that isn't good for you. Basically if he would change his mind and want to get married would you say yes?

And if not... Why don't you want to marry him would be a good question to ask yourself.

[MoonMom]

DH and I got married after living together for nearly 6 years, when we discovered it would basically be impossible for him to get a visa to move to France with me (for my postdoc) because we weren't married. So it was totally a marriage of convenience. I don't really think marriage proves you are committed to each other. What's the divorce rate now, 30%? Commitment takes many forms, a ring and a piece of paper are just symbols.

[kristiemarie518]

Ditto Antrim. Yes ts a paper but it does make it harder to walk away and puts the relationship at a different level.

If you aren't ready or don't want to, then please don't. But I agree that living together and marriage are very different.

As for what people say or think...screw em. It's your life and your decision. And I also agree to just tell them you have it worked out between the two of you and it's a private matter.

[LiamsMother]

I can't really add much to this other than echoing that living together and being legally bound to each other are different. Having said that, it is your life and your decision. If you don't want marriage then don't force it because of what other people want for you.

I'd also like to add to your comment "its his choice if he proposes", no it's not. I'm a weird combination of traditional yet modern and I think that if you ever wanted to get married (whenever that may be), you have just as much right to propose to him as he does to propose to you. But, that's beside the point. I'm sorry this is causing you extreme stress, you don't need that during your pregnancy.

[NewGurl]

Im not aginst ppl getting married I just dont want to. Maby a few years down the road I will but right now I dont really find it neccisary. Mostly I just want ppl to stop saying I have to get married becuse Im pregnant or that my boyfriends a bad person for not proposing. I think Getting married becuse we have to or he is bad father is stupid. putting a ring on my finger isnt going to make him any more comitted then he was before it wont make him A better father or more loveing It just means were stuck together. I would way rather live with a man who wakes up beside me every morning even though there is no reson he cant walk out the door. And if he decides to go Id rather it be done then drug trought the mud for years on end. its just the way I feel about it.

[.h00dihoo.this.]

i used to say the same thing when i was 21 years old.. then i met my now DH... we had only known eachother for 5 months before getting married... and coming from someone who NEVER wanted to get married... just being with someone vs being married to them is a HUGE difference. i used to have that same look at marriage, that a paper and a ring is just a symbol.. but it's really not. i mean it is, but its more than just that.. for ME.. it was like loving someone, and loving them after having a child together... most would say that they fell in love with their husband/partner even more after they had a child.. and i felt the same way after getting married... when someone says they dont want to get married because they don't want to deal with a divorce.. it's a cop out IMO.. when you get engaged and married, getting a divorce shouldnt even be in question.. if your first thought is divorce when you think of marriage.. then you are probably not with "the one"... Antrim put exactly what im saying more nicely LOL.. but basically what im saying, coming from someone who NEVER wanted to get married EVER... i was also saying that before i met "my one" and all of a sudden my whole thought process on marriage went out the window after only 3 months. divorce was the first thing that came out of my mouth when i heard marriage.. when i met my DH, divorce never crossed my mind

now, i don't believe you need to be married to raise a child at all.. but, i do believe that if there is even the slightest chance the parents arent going to work out.. they need to go their separate ways before the child is old enough to struggle through that as well

[*Izzy's*Mommy*]

I wouldn't stress about it, just tell people to mind their own business. My SO and I aren't married, and have been together for 6.5 years. We talk about getting married sometimes, well...he does, but I actually don't care one way or the other. A piece of paper isn't going to make me more committed to him.

Where we live, the average price for a home is $700,000. I would much rather have the things we have, than to use any extra money on wedding stuff. Not interested right now. Maybe I'll change my tune down the road, but for now, I don't care. I know way more couples who split once they got married. I'm happily "unmarried."

[fancypants27]

Add me to the I never wanted to get married boat. I didn't think that a ring or piece of paper was important. My parents put up the argument, if its not important than why not do it? So we did. It doesn't have to be costly, you can go to the courthouse, you can get a twist tie and use it as a ring...
In the end I'm happy we got married. For us, it didn't really change anything. I didn't change my name, I barely wear my rings...but it made my family very happy.

[kristap4]

DH and i are not married, and we've been together for 10 1/2 years and this will be our 4th (and last) child together... We've been living together and i call him my husband and he calls me his wife and we have a joint bank account and everything we own is in both our names, just like we were married. He did propose to me 9 years ago but we've just never planned a wedding because its not a big deal to either of us to have that paper or a ring. We're lucky though in that our friends and family for the most part don't give either of us grief about it... And the ones that do i just tell them that its between the 2 of us and i am not going to discuss it and they usually back off...... I wouldn't let your friends or family pressure you into something you don't want to do.. When the time is right it will happen and if its not important to either of you then as long as your happy who cares what others think....

[BluEeyes]

Im not married either, ive been living with my bf for 3 years, been together for 4. Noone has really said we should get married excpet for maybe his dad, but they didnt pressure him, we know we want to get married at some point, but i def told him right now while im pregnant i would never do, because one, it makes it seem likes its just because i got pregnant, ( Not that im saing thats why everyone does it thats just how i would personally feel) and i dont want to feell like just cuz i got pregnant now im getting married, yes marriage is in our future hopefully, but there is also alot of stuff i want to work out with my b/f i go ahead and just get married because i do believe its a committent that you shouldnt take lightly, and i do believe we are meant to be, but im in no rush to try and prove that to anyone, its your life live it how you want, im still learning that its my life and to stop worrying about everyone elses opionions.

[-Brandy-]

I think a lot of this has to do with age too, right now marriage may not be a priority to you---and that is OK! A child is not a reason for a wedding or engagement, love and feeling that this is truly the next step for you is. Sometimes our lives fall outside of the "normal" steps of society (engagement, marriage, house, children, etc)--there is nothing wrong with doing the steps in the order that is right for you or not at all if that is right too.

I would simply asnwser people with that is a decision between bf and I, if anything changes I will let you know- till then we are happy just the way we are.

[Derby Girl]

I am not married. I have been with my SO for almost 8 years. I've been married and divorced and he's never been married. I always thought I'd be fine with never getting married, but that's changed. Even before we found out I was pregnant I wanted to get married. Having a child together in my opinion is a bigger commitment than getting married. I plan to get married before the baby comes. I know its cliche, but I truly want to share the same name as my SO and daughter. I want to be able to say my husband. Whenever I say oh he's my boyfriend it sounds so juvenile to me.
Nobody should be putting you down just because you two decide not to take your relationship to the marriage level. To each their own.

[alybr]

Dh and i dated a little over 5 1/2 years before we got married. 2 years really isn't that long, and I agree a baby isn't the reason to get married and neither is length of time dating. You should get married when you're both ready. We were both 20 when we started dating, and I didnt even have marriage on my mind at the time.

[kamiyu910]

You definitely need the right reasons to get married. Rushing into something neither of you is ready for usually causes problems I've known many couples who never technically got married and they lasted until they died. My DH's cousin is currently not married to his girl because of insurance reasons. I know the people around you are probably just worried about you and the baby, but when it comes down to it, like everyone else has said, it's between you and your SO.
The only thing I can think that I would worry about is the whole legal issue with things just in case something happens. I'm not really sure how it works with a father/child thing, but I know in some health (and legal) issues hospitals will only deal with a family member or spouse. I'm not sure how much of a problem that is nowdays, but it would be my only concern for you.
Otherwise, I'd tell them all to shove it.