[NewGurl]

haha never thought id say cashew in public but the boyfriend baby dady yeah im not really sure what the official term for him is right now lol. I never saw a reason not to just refer to him as the boyfriend but now ppl ask so is he the father but when i say baby daddy their like oh so you guys arnt together. An im like arrrgh were totally together and in a healthy relationship we just arnt married. Im not gonna call him the hubby when i dont have a ring and im not gonna ask for 1 just because im pregnant i think thats super immature if i have to guilt trip him into a ring then i dont want 1. ok so that went of topic anyway 1 of the few pregnancy things hes done so far is ask me how far along i thought i was and apparently at the time some online artical he was reading referred to the baby being cashew sized so he went aww its a little cashew. and somehow that stuck and it has been called cashew since which is lot better then calling it "it" which i still do some lol.

so i geuss my first journal entery should actually be back story and then i can do updates later.

so the discovery of cashew went sorta like this.
BF: your acting moody
me: its problly pms
BF: lol your acting more like your knocked up
me: i am so not knocked up

2 weeks latter
BF: you still haven't had it yet have you
me: dude in never regular
BF: your knocked up your knocked up
me: dude i will take a test right now an i will bet you $50 its negative
bf: you don't have $50

1 week later
BF: your totally preger
me: thats it im buying a test

1hr later
me: oh FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU
BF: wait holy ...wait your actually.........
me: i dont know its only 1 an a half lines its probably jus like broke or something
BF: take the other 1 already
me: I don't have to peee
*frantically joins just mommies message board and begins internet freaking out*

30 min later
me: uh baby the second 1 is straight up positive
BF: holy shiz nit your actually knocked up i was totally messing with you

and welcome to discovery stage which was followed by realizing i had to quit my pack a day smoking habit which i surprisingly actually did in less then 3 packs. and that i have to get prenatal vitamins which can be really expensive i ended up choosing women's 1 a day prenatal which im not sure if there the best or not but they seemed safer then some of the off brands with like %510 daily value which so cannot be healthy.

which was followed by wanting everything with melted cheese which i still have by the way melted cheddar cheese is apparently my cashews life force. And wanting full fledged homemade meals like pot rosts with mashed potatoes an gravy. and once id managed to make them if i managed to make them suddenly not want them anymore although i did at least eventually want it agin the next day or two so at least it got ate. thankfully thats gone away.

and a whole range of *** mood swings from myself and the Boyfriend. I still think he wants me to consider putting it up for adoption because of our finances but i know people in way worse situations that have raised perfectly fine kids and i dont want to. plus i think even though he is uber worried he is coming over to my side i think hes getting used to the idea an a bit less freaked out about the daddy thing the conversations typical go like "what should we move to make room for a crib" now instead of "we cant have a baby we dont even have room for it to sleep"

which is another thing i do actually have alot of friends from highschool who have had there kids already and told me a while ago if i ever needed there baby stuff i could totally use it. Im kind of a freak where im from for not being prego until im 21 but as i said i just moved to a new state and i dont know if its worth it or even decent of me to ask people to ship me free hand me downs.

I feel alot less nausea lately so eat more i also feel way more hungry so i eat like 9 times a day which im not sure if thats good or bad. except for today i know it was bad because i had a fat *** day an ate mostly starcrunchs and milk all day well hey at least i had milk with my coco suger caramel disks thats 50% healthy right. ok so maby not but its 1 day im normally alll veggie sticks and stirfrys which sounds expensive but somehow has actually been way cheaper then my pre-pregers cigarettes and frozen pizza diet. yeah when i type this stuff out i have no idea how im skinny. which the BF is so great at reminding me wont last much longer.

oh yeah I remember why i stay skinny Iv always been super active except now i fall all the time and i get dizzy and run out of breath. yes i can run long distance track while smokeing a pack a day but i quit and feel like collapsing from a walk to the kitchen WTH is up with this. its been making me kind of depressive but the BF actually isnt a total tool like i make him out sometimes lol he makes me go outside hes been taking me down to the beach for nighttime walks somehow it seems easier to breath im not sure if its just cooler or if it has something to do with the breeze. and when i get all emo he makes me num nums and the other day he gave me a back rub without me even asking an he didnt even use it as an excuse to bone.

ok i think its past my bed time i think im rambling oh but there is 1 more thing its my 21st birthday today yay me. whoot whoot ok yep partys over i know absolutely no one down here and im pregger now so bar hoping outa the question. although when i get paid next week i might get a celebratory sparkling apple cider or something wait i can drink that right i mean i know its non alcoholic but i dont actually know what makes sparkling cider sparkling is whatever it is safe?

[NewGurl]

took an ambulance to the hospital today bleeding and cramping thought I was miscarrying turns out I have something called Subchorionic Hemmorrhage. still stressed but happy to know cashew is still alive actually happy to know cashew exists and im not just crazy. I mean everyone seems to trust at home tests and my body defiantly had all the signs but there's just that 1% possibility your not actually pregnant that makes you wonder sometimes if your just being stupid.

I have A doctor recommended ob/gyn i will be seeing soon so hopefully i will have all those cool things you guys have like measurements and exact dates and pictures and heartbeat and hormone lvls to put in this journal rather then just a bunch of ranting and raving.

but speaking of raving i could totally have all those things already because i had an ultrasound while i was at the hospital except i never even got to see it which total sucked because i knew on the other side of that box was my baby *at lest i hoped it was considering the situation* but they never even turned it around for me to see much less tell me anything about it. Im sure they had more important things to do but you could have at lest given me a glimpse im not even asking for a take home prin out here just a look.

I know i should be eating right now considering i was taken away in an ambulance at 11am and didn't make it home till 6pm. the only thing i had the whole time was a mcdouble on the way home probably not the best plan but iv been craving fast food for like a week now and after today i was just like screw it i want a cheeseburger. But i feel so drained im not even actually hungry.

Also iv never used pads because i hate them they feel so disgusting to me but apparently i have to now except im out of cash and only have tampons because its all i use so once i run out of the ones the hospital gave me if im still bleeding im not shure what to do.

[NewGurl]

Im terrible with this journal thing i just make posts and totally forget about the journal then when i remember i supposed to update this I have no idea which parts are important enough to add I cant re write all of it every entry would be 20 pages long lol.

Ok so iv been to the doctors twice Iv heard cashews heartbeat both times Im due dec 9th I get to tell the sex at 20 weeks everything seems to be healing up nicely and I should be able to continue the pregnancy with little to no difficulty as far as they can tell.