[May14th2011]

I have a friend who had a baby about a year ago. The entire time she was pregnant, she had complaint after complaint, (which is fine. I understand that.) but every complaint was directed at the baby. It wasn't, "Being pregnant sucks." It was "This sucks, this baby won't stop causing me to be sick." or whatever her current problem was.
I tried to tell her, "It's not the baby, it's the hormones." But she was intent (and still is) on blaming the baby for whatever was going wrong.

Yesterday, I told her how I was having bh contractions and that I was supposed to rest for the rest of the day. I wasn't complaining, just being matter of fact. She replied with, "I'm sorry. I hope the baby will calm down soon and leave you alone."

I'm not even sure how to reply to that. It's not the baby's fault, it's my fault for not drinking enough and overdoing it. I even told her as much in the original message.

Maybe it's just me, but I don't understand blaming the baby for stuff. It's not as if the baby is purposely doing any of it. It's not even accidentally doing any of it. It's just stuff that happens when you're pregnant.

Am I crazy?

[Dhartanya]

Lol somedays I blamed Steve, cause somehow it was all his fault I had such severe morning sickness.
One of my boarders tells me I can hold all this stuff over baby's head... I just nod and smile.
At the end of the day, it's really no ones fault, just luck of the draw with ones body.
Too bad your friend doesn't get that.

[gardenbelle]

Yeah, I think that is a little bit off. I've never thought to blame baby nor have a heard any of my friends ever blame pregnancy symptoms on their baby. In my pregnancies, I've had bad bouts of morning sickness, sciatica, reflux, heartburn, hemorrhoids, braxton hicks, PUPPS, you name it and I've never felt any type of animosity towards my unborn child ever. Weird! Out of curiosity, how is she like as a mother now?

[May14th2011]

She's always frustrated. She expects him to do more than he can do at this point.

When he was learning to crawl and was pulling things off shelves, she expected him to listen to her when she said, "Don't do that or you'll go to to time out."
She would then put him in timeout for 5 minutes at a time, in his crib. He now won't sleep in his crib, ever. So she spends her nights trying to get him to fall asleep on the couch.

She asked for advice and I gave it to her (nicely) but she always has a reason as to why it won't work. Her answer is always, "You're not a mother, you don't understand."
I may not be a mother quite yet, but I've raised enough children to know what to do.


I ended up telling her that "This is not the baby's fault, he is doing nothing wrong. He's growing and doing exactly what I want him to do. Any extra problems I have, are my fault for not drinking enough and doing too much." She just replied, "Ok."

[Twist]

i can't stand when people do that. even though i was completely SHOCKED by getting pregnant it has never been the baby is making me sick or my back hurt. i have the sciatic thing pretty bad and have ever since the day of implantation. it's one of the ONLY symptoms i have but it's pretty severe.

i don't think i will ever understand how a parent can "discipline" a child under 12 months old. i also can not stand women who think "you're not a mom you don't understand or know anything of value to me about my child." it's SO ANNOYING!

[anna.rose]

She sounds resentful towards her poor son. It's not baby's fault. Ever. You're not crazy.

[SarahxSyanide]

Hi girls! I'm from the November DDC and I was just stalking your club When I get sick I'll make a joke about baby acting up, but in reality I know it's not the baby's fault. I just like to personalize her instead of thinking about something invisible making me feel all crappy. I'm assuming this isn't the case with your friend? It really does sound like she thinks the baby is at fault. The baby doesn't have little buttons to push to make you feel like crap. What is she thinking? How old is her baby now?

[BrooklynBump]

When I'm not feeling well, I'll say its the baby too. I don't think it's necessary blame since I certainly am happy to be pregnant and knew what I was doing getting pregnant (if anyone is to blame its me!) but it just seems normal to say I feel different because of the baby. It's not resentment for me - it's just my logic. The hormones are because of the baby too so I don't see it that differently.

[May14th2011]

Back in February, she begged me to not have a baby for at least 10-15 years. She said it's not at all what I think it is, and that it'll be awful.
I really don't think she knew what she was getting into, even though me and several other people tried to talk to her when she decided to have a child.
It probably doesn't help her that her husband doesn't help much. =/

[Gripstress]

OK, I didn't want to admit it but I joke that it's the baby. From your other posts I can see that it's not a joke to her. That's just weird. I think she is a crappy mom and then blames the baby for HER mistakes. Well gee, the baby doesn't want to go to sleep in time-out?! I can't imagine why! Weird. My SIL asks me all the time why my kids are so well behaved vs. hers. I'll tell her! She never listens though. When I tell my kids to do something, they better do it. It's not a regime but it's not confusing either. One time she was on the phone while bathing her kids. She half-assed told her kids to get out. They screamed "NO!" and she laughed about it(!) and then repeated in the same tone! Confusion...it must be okay because she laughed and she didn't really mean it anyway because of her tone and because she repeated it. She would then go on to blame the kids for not listening like they were "bad" and mine are "naturally good". Umm, no.

Does this make sense?

[Gripstress]

She's deflecting her issues onto you...

[daffneyc]

I blame the baby when I feel the need to stuff my face. Example: "Babe, the baby wants Taco Bell? Will you pleeeeeeease make a run for the border?". I'm just messing around. Sounds like your friend thought having a baby was going to be like playing house. It's sad that she is that unhappy because babies pick up on that feeling and it only makes them MORE irritable.

[May14th2011]

Originally Posted by daffneyc

I blame the baby when I feel the need to stuff my face. Example: "Babe, the baby wants Taco Bell? Will you pleeeeeeease make a run for the border?". I'm just messing around. Sounds like your friend thought having a baby was going to be like playing house. It's sad that she is that unhappy because babies pick up on that feeling and it only makes them MORE irritable.

Hahaha, I do that too. "Your child wants a strawberry lemonade and a bag of rolos, better get moving."

[Gripstress]

Oh yeah, bigtime! This baby wants alot of things all the time from DH! lol

[Twist]

i'd like to add that i blame my husband for the pain! haha. i'm totally joking and we are super happy to be expecting...but the mini guilt trip gets my back rubbed, feet rubbed, chores done, and dinner made for me! I got super lucky with him!

As for your friend, maybe you should "dump" her. It sounds to me like she is jealous that you are enjoying being pregnant and that this is something you went into knowing full and well what it had the possibility to be like. Out with the negative nancy's is my new life motto. Less stress for me, less stress for baby.

[caajje6]

I do the 'blaming' dh or the baby, but all in fun and never serious, like your friend sounds!! I do a lot of the baby is craving ______ (fill in the blank) with whatever I am wanting to eat and I know I am eating again, but this baby is making me soooo hungry!

[May14th2011]

Originally Posted by Twist

i'd like to add that i blame my husband for the pain! haha. i'm totally joking and we are super happy to be expecting...but the mini guilt trip gets my back rubbed, feet rubbed, chores done, and dinner made for me! I got super lucky with him!

As for your friend, maybe you should "dump" her. It sounds to me like she is jealous that you are enjoying being pregnant and that this is something you went into knowing full and well what it had the possibility to be like. Out with the negative nancy's is my new life motto. Less stress for me, less stress for baby.

We actually don't talk near as much as we used to. It's sad, because we've been best friends for over ten years, but we've just reached that point where we're too different to be able to keep the friendship going like it had been.
I'm really surprised about how un-upset I am about it.


There are no mini guilt trips around here, since it's my fault I ended up pregnant. DH just laughs if I try to guilt him.