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Gender Scan question - Feeling guilty


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  • 1 Post By colette20

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  #1  
July 10th, 2012, 10:15 AM
colette20's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Ok, first of all, I love my mom. Seriously, she's amazing. But.. (you knew there was a "but"..) we are totally different people. She is boisterous, chatty, and very open... I am quiet, cautious, and more private.

Here's the issue, she basically pushed her way into coming to my gender scan next month. She wouldn't stop pestering me..."Your sister had me at HER scan", "Why don't you want me there?" Etc... I finally broke after a week of this (after multiple daily calls, and bringing it up in front of others "Dont you think I should go?") and said she could come.

Are you ladies having grandparents come to any scans or appointments?

I'm in a weird personal situation right now, and I think my mom feels the need to step in and be a bigger partner in this pregnancy, so I feel really guilty about not wanting her to go. She's very excited and keeps saying, "It's such a big thing, I want to be there." But it is big for me too!! I know she'll be chatty and excited the whole time, and I won't be able to have the quiet joy of watching the scan in peace and taking it all in. (i'll be excited too, obviously, but I'm more reserved, take it in, and get more outwardly excited later)

I've explained to this her, and I can tell she's a bit offended "I'll keep my mouth shut then, and stand back." I didn't want to offend my mom in the least bit, I love her and want her to feel informed and involved.

Idk, I just feel guilty for wanting that day for myself. This pregnancy has been hard and I don't feel fully connected to the baby just yet, and I think once I know the gender I'll be able to connect more.

At this point I can't really retract the invite (if you can call it one) but I wonder if there is a better way to communicate to her what I'll need her from her that day?

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  #2  
July 10th, 2012, 10:26 AM
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That's tough. I understand her need for wanting to be there for extra support given your situation, and that's commendable. But, I totally understand your need for wanting certain things out of your pregnancy.

I think she should still go, however, I think you need to lay down some ground rules.

Tell her how much it means to you that she is so enthusiascit to be this involved in your pregnancy, and all of the steps. Explain to her that you totally understand how this is a really big day for you, and that given your situation, you are having a hard time feeling as connected to this pregnancy as you might like. Given that you feel this way, tell her you are really hoping that this brief minute at this appointment will give you the bonding sensation that you need for both yourself and this baby.

Tell her she is more than welcome to come, but that if possible, she can be in the room for the scan, but that you would really appreciate if she could step out for the actual moment when you find out the gender. She will be more than welcome to come back in, after you've had a private moment with your little one to bond. If she still insists (or is snitty about being in the room the whole time), ask her, again politely, if she would mind just giving you a moment of peace and silence when you find out. Explain that this is extremely important for your mental health right now, and that although you immensely appreciate her excitement and wanting to be involved, you would appreciate it even more if she could just give you a moment or two to bond, alone.

My folks and ILs aren't nearby, and I don't know what I would personally do if I were in your situation, but I imagine it would be something like the above.

I really hope that you and she are able to work it out peacefully. I think it's great that she is supportive, but I don't think you should feel ONE BIT GUILTY about feeling the way you do. I'm on your side on this one.

KUP how things progress!
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  #3  
July 10th, 2012, 10:31 AM
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Oy. I think the majority of women it's safe to say that they absolutely love their mothers but... In my case it's i love my mother to death but she makes me CRAZY.

I'm sorry i don't really have any advice. The day i told my parents that i was pregnant i also told my mother right away that it would just be me and my husband in the delivery room, so if she had any other ideas she'd better get used to the fact that it's not happening!
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  #4  
July 10th, 2012, 10:51 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kbpeanut View Post
That's tough. I understand her need for wanting to be there for extra support given your situation, and that's commendable. But, I totally understand your need for wanting certain things out of your pregnancy.

I think she should still go, however, I think you need to lay down some ground rules.

Tell her how much it means to you that she is so enthusiascit to be this involved in your pregnancy, and all of the steps. Explain to her that you totally understand how this is a really big day for you, and that given your situation, you are having a hard time feeling as connected to this pregnancy as you might like. Given that you feel this way, tell her you are really hoping that this brief minute at this appointment will give you the bonding sensation that you need for both yourself and this baby.

Tell her she is more than welcome to come, but that if possible, she can be in the room for the scan, but that you would really appreciate if she could step out for the actual moment when you find out the gender. She will be more than welcome to come back in, after you've had a private moment with your little one to bond. If she still insists (or is snitty about being in the room the whole time), ask her, again politely, if she would mind just giving you a moment of peace and silence when you find out. Explain that this is extremely important for your mental health right now, and that although you immensely appreciate her excitement and wanting to be involved, you would appreciate it even more if she could just give you a moment or two to bond, alone.

My folks and ILs aren't nearby, and I don't know what I would personally do if I were in your situation, but I imagine it would be something like the above.

I really hope that you and she are able to work it out peacefully. I think it's great that she is supportive, but I don't think you should feel ONE BIT GUILTY about feeling the way you do. I'm on your side on this one.

KUP how things progress!
x
I do love that mom is supportive, she just has boundry issues, and doesnt realize when she's overstepped.

I should add that I do have Tom coming to the scan. So I will now have 4 people in the little u/s room, (seriously its tiny at my clinic) Me, Tom, mom, and dad. I don't have anxiety, but am hyper sensitive in awkward situations, and I think with all that going on, having my mind diverted from the scan to the awkward situation in the room is pretty likely.



And Megan - I told my mom the same thing right away, NO delivery room. I love my mom, but the thought of having her there chatting away while I try to labor and then deliver makes me cringe even now. I think once my situation changed, she may think she's going to be there with me... Thanks for reminding me that I probably need to bring that up again.... lol.
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Last edited by colette20; July 10th, 2012 at 10:53 AM.
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  #5  
July 10th, 2012, 10:59 AM
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I personally would tell her no.

I would say they don't allow more than one extra person in the room.

My mom is the same way and she isn't allowed to come to my appointments with me... she drives me batty!

This is your moment... it should be how you envision it, not what she wants, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to do it with just your and your husband. She wasn't there when the baby was concieved...haha... she doesn't have to be included in everything
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  #6  
July 10th, 2012, 11:04 AM
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I agree with Karin. See if she wouldn't mind stepping out while you find out the gender and have a moment with the baby. If she still protests you could always just say, 'its this way or no way' (in a nice way of course!). Bless your heart, you are in a tough situation. Hope you two can come to a decision that pleases both of you!
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  #7  
July 10th, 2012, 02:07 PM
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Thanks ladies. It's just so hard for me to get my point across to my mom without her getting offended. One of our many differences I guess, she has never really understood me.

I will definitely suggest alone time during the scan, I have a feeling she'll say ok, and then fight to stay the day of. Maybe if I explain to the tech when I arrive mom is there to see the scan, but I'd like the actual gender reveal to just be me and Tom, my mom will have to abide by my terms?

I need back-up plans with my mom. She likes to say she agrees and then pushes for what she wants last minute...
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  #8  
July 10th, 2012, 02:30 PM
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My mom is the same way, and I am like you; quiet. However, me and my mom have had a lot of problems lately... yet she thinks a simple "sorry" takes away all the hurt of things she's said and that our relationship is magically like it used to be. She keeps bugging me about whether I've told my DD about the baby yet, even though I told her it won't be for a while... and she gets mad when I get frustrated with her for constantly asking. She hasn't asked to come to appts yet, but I'm dreading the hospital talk.

I would tell her no. Personally, I would cancel and reschedule for the next day if possible and not tell her. (That's just what I would be forced to do in my situation, not saying you should do this.) You're an adult, and as much as I know you don't want to offend her (I always feel the same) it's your baby and your experience. She can be involved and excited when she gets to see the pictures.
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  #9  
July 10th, 2012, 02:37 PM
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If I had been in the situation I would've just said "No, me and DH want to be the only ones there" BUT in your situation and since you told her yes already I'd do what Karin suggested.

I love my mom and wouldn't mind for her to come to our scans. She knows when to stop before being pushy, doesn't try to push herself into things, etc. We've never had a problem with her trying to tell us what to do with our kids or pregnancies. The only reason I'd have to tell her no is because I feel as if I couldn't invite her and not my MIL and my MIL IS NOT COMING! I doubt she even would since shes not mentioned a thing about the baby but still I think I'd 'have' to invite and I don't want to take the chance of her coming lol
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  #10  
July 10th, 2012, 02:51 PM
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my mom assumed since we had her there with xavier, she was invited to this one. hubby and i really wanted it to just be us and do a cute way of announcing it, but i gave in...she didn't do it on purpose but she really made me feel guilty. i know this might sound bad, but hubby works in the same office as her just on a different floor....i think i am going to have hubby try to investigate a day where she wouldn't be able to get off and make my appt for then....i really want to do an announcement....or maybe i might say we are not going to find out.
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  #11  
July 10th, 2012, 03:12 PM
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She wanted to come to my last appt, (which was also my pap as the first visit was urgent to just confirm pregnancy and get in to make sure the baby was in the uterus). I was like Seriously?? I don't need you yabbering on in the corner while my doc is rooting around down there!!! She just does not get boundries!

Im regretting her letting me guilt me into it. But she was making me feel so selfish and guilty for not inviting her. (Yes she went to my sister's, but my sister is a mini-mom and they are super super close and her DH was working) But again, if I pull it away now, she will tell all my family how selfish I am and how I hurt her.

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  #12  
July 10th, 2012, 03:54 PM
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I still think you should let her go...and just try and explain to her that you would like just 5 minutes to yourself at the reveal portion. She can be part of all the rest. I would also make sure you tell the tech loud and clear with your mom there that when the reveal happens, that you would like it to be just you alone.

I really hope you can work this out. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I get how moms can be, but at the end of the day, this is your baby, your appointment, your decision. Whatever happens, your mom will get over it.
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  #13  
July 10th, 2012, 03:58 PM
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Absolutely no way. My mom is great in a lot of ways, but I wouldn't let her into a scan or the delivery room, no matter how much guilt, no matter how much pressure, no matter how complicated my personal situation.

I think you need to lay down your preferences now, because it will only get worse when she has a grandbaby she's trying to spoil in ways that conflict with your parenting. And it doesn't mean you don't love, appreciate, even adore your mother. But your boundaries are your own, and you are entitled to protect them.

I think you should talk to your mom. Tell her you love her and want her to be involved in your pregnancy and your baby's life, but there are also some special moments that you want to share with just you, Tom and your child. And the anatomy scan is one of those moments. Then, offer to have lunch with her the day of the scan, or coffee that afternoon so she doesn't have to wait long to hear. You can have your special moments, just the three of you, and still include your mom without her looking over your shoulder.

You are probably going to have this same conversation about 100, maybe 1000 different things in the next couple of years, and now is a great time to start.

And if she mouths off to your relatives, well, reasonable people will recognize that you have drawn a reasonable boundary. And unreasonable people you can't reason with, anyway.

You are NOT being selfish. Based on everything you've said, your mother is being selfish and manipulative. She may be loving, amazing, an incredible human being. But she is manipulating you to get what she wants, and making you sound ungrateful for not wanting her "support."

Good luck to you however you decide to handle this. I'll cross my fingers she chills out a little bit, for your sake!
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  #14  
July 10th, 2012, 04:51 PM
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I'm having mom issues with being in the birth room when I push the baby out. At that point with my last birth we kicked everyone out except for DH and I. I'm just afraid having an audience will interfere with my focus and piss me off, quite frankly. My mom seems like she has a similar personality to yours.

My mom is also currently having a battle with my brother and his gf to be in the u/s for the gender reveal. Her feelings are so hurt they wouldn't want her there.

I think there have been some good suggestions from PP's.
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  #15  
July 10th, 2012, 08:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by d_tops View Post

I think you need to lay down your preferences now, because it will only get worse when she has a grandbaby she's trying to spoil in ways that conflict with your parenting. And it doesn't mean you don't love, appreciate, even adore your mother. But your boundaries are your own, and you are entitled to protect them.

Oh that is an issue too! She SPOILS the heck out of my nephew (which I do too, but also know when it's time to be firm and teach him something) and I have told her I dont want her to undo my parenting if the baby spends time with her. My nephew will literally scream until he gets what he wants and she gives it to him! So frustrating.

I am really not looking forward to future arguments with my mother... but I know they're a-comin'.

Thanks ladies so much, I don't have many friends who are comfortable talking about this sort of thing. Feels great just to get it out and converse about it.
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  #16  
July 10th, 2012, 09:13 PM
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I don't know if we will have our parents or anyone else at the gender scan. I want to have some people over and have them wear pink/blue according to what gender they think we are having. I am afraid if I let my mother in the room she might blab.

My next appt. is going to be a hard one though. I did tell them the wrong day for my lmp, but they kept that as my due date even though I told them I was 2 days off. My appt. to check the placenta thoroughly is at 15w4d according to the dr., but about 15w6d (my actual lmp) -16w2d (according to last u/s). I am freaking out a little because it will be done in the same room when I found out that I miscarried with my first pregnancy at 15w4d. I will probably be a nervous wreck that day. I do have a doppler at home that I can check the hb though so I may not be that nervous.

I haven't read all the other posts here, but do what you want to do and feel is best. If you end up allowing your mother to go, tell her that this is a special moment for you and she needs to respect your wishes in the room. Don't let anyone ruin this moment for you.
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  #17  
July 10th, 2012, 11:44 PM
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Originally Posted by colette20 View Post
Ok, first of all, I love my mom. Seriously, she's amazing. But.. (you knew there was a "but"..) we are totally different people. She is boisterous, chatty, and very open... I am quiet, cautious, and more private.

Here's the issue, she basically pushed her way into coming to my gender scan next month. She wouldn't stop pestering me..."Your sister had me at HER scan", "Why don't you want me there?" Etc... I finally broke after a week of this (after multiple daily calls, and bringing it up in front of others "Dont you think I should go?") and said she could come.

Are you ladies having grandparents come to any scans or appointments?

I'm in a weird personal situation right now, and I think my mom feels the need to step in and be a bigger partner in this pregnancy, so I feel really guilty about not wanting her to go. She's very excited and keeps saying, "It's such a big thing, I want to be there." But it is big for me too!! I know she'll be chatty and excited the whole time, and I won't be able to have the quiet joy of watching the scan in peace and taking it all in. (i'll be excited too, obviously, but I'm more reserved, take it in, and get more outwardly excited later)

I've explained to this her, and I can tell she's a bit offended "I'll keep my mouth shut then, and stand back." I didn't want to offend my mom in the least bit, I love her and want her to feel informed and involved.

Idk, I just feel guilty for wanting that day for myself. This pregnancy has been hard and I don't feel fully connected to the baby just yet, and I think once I know the gender I'll be able to connect more.

At this point I can't really retract the invite (if you can call it one) but I wonder if there is a better way to communicate to her what I'll need her from her that day?

Well...it sounds like she forced herself on you. My opinion? Do what makes YOU comfortable.

I guess if you didn't want to tell her she couldn't be in there, you could opt to have the nurse or technician do it for you. LOL I've had nurses tell family members they'll have to wait in the waiting room while things are being done. Not too much the family member can say about that!!

I am not an individual who takes well to being strong armed into anything. I will go along with it only if I am comfortable with it, but I will not be MADE to do it out of guilt or anything of the sort. This is a PERSONAL experience for a reason! If your Sister wanted your mom in there to see everything...great for her. If you don't feel that way, why subject yourself to something you do not want to do? Especially if you're wanting to keep the gender private until the baby is born (from family members). I'd just politely call ahead and speak to the nurse or tell the nurse/tech that you want this to be done privately and you have a family member who is insisting on being involved. Maybe they could ask that person to wait outside. I really don't think they'd have a problem with it and for you...PROBLEM SOLVED!

You wouldn't be the one offending her and you wouldn't have your privacy violated. Win/Win!

Wish you all the best!!!
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  #18  
July 11th, 2012, 06:08 AM
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My mum will not be anywhere near me or this baby in labour, in appointments etc. She will ask, and I will say no. This is a mum and dad time. This is our baby. She is welcome to come and visit when I call her.

I have to have rock solid boundries. My mother is very manipulative and lies to get what she wants. I have fell victim to her ability to rewrite hhistory on too many occasions. I just dont give her an opening any more.
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