[LisaG825]

Sorry for this post. I know most of you don't want to hear about losses, etc. This is a part of who I am today though so I can't say I blame you if you do not read this. I am just not sure how I am feeling right now.

I feel like I have no emotions in a way. For some reason I am having a really hard time connecting to this pregnancy. I am reaching the point in this pregnancy when everything went downhill in my first pregnancy. I am sure I will be checking my ankles, bp, and other stuff from here on out now.

With my first pregnancy I started having swelling (gained 13lbs in just a couple days), high bp, dizzy, headaches, was still very nauseous, etc.

I am still nauseous with this pregnancy and throwing up. I have checked my ankles on occasion and if I knew where my bp cuff is at I would be checking it too. Plus my u/s coming up is scheduled at the exact time when I found out I had miscarried. I accidentally told my ob the wrong day for my lmp so according to them I will be 15w4d (day I miscarried in my first pregnancy), but according to my actual LMP I will be 15w6d. Just hearing them say that day and knowing that they will be checking the placenta this time for signs of molar pregnancy freaks me out. It will be the exact same room too.

I know my chances of having another molar pregnancy are 1 in 100 and is still pretty rare. BUT My journey with my first molar pregnancy was pretty scary and nothing normal about it. Only about 10% of partial molar pregnancies need chemotherapy. I was in that 10%. I can't remember all the other percentages. I have been the worst case at my ob's office and have been the only patient they have had to refer to an oncologist and was switched to a stronger chemo. Then once again I went from having negative blood work to positive (VERY VERY RARE). My oncologist even had to contact other specialists. So I have this fear that odds are not in my favor.

Sorry for this post. So I have no idea how to feel. ugh

[PickyNicki]

Understandable. Maybe once you get through the u/s and see that all is well you will start feeling better. I didn't have a molar pregnancy, but did lose a baby that we found out about at our 10 wk u/s. So now I get nervous every time I go in. Good luck!

[Lyndsey2013]

I have never lost a baby, but my SO had a stillborn with his ex-wife around 22 weeks, so I am still super worried about carrying past 24 weeks. I hope my fears are irrational, but I just take it day by day and hope with each appointment there will be good news and a heart beat.

I can't imagine the feelings you are having. I have been youtubing micropremies and bawling my eyes out the last week or so, and I can't seem to stop. It's totally unfathomable to me how those moms have become so strong. I am sure you have gained a lot of strength from your experiences that can carry you through this, whatever may come. I hope you are able to feel a sense of happiness at some point - even if that means it doesn't come until the baby is born. Also, congrats on your pregnancy!

[LadieBug]

I am sorry you are feeling like this. I know the wait seems like forever, but once you get to your appointment and see that everything us indeed ok, I think you'll finally let yourself start feeling connected.
Although I have never had a loss, I did have a scare earlier on, and a Dr told me I was going to miscarry. From that moment, it was like a defense mechanism I put up. I stopped letting myself feel excited. I needed to prepare myself for the worst just in case.
With each subsequent u/s I have felt much better, but I will admit that some of those feelings still linger. Im hoping that as my belly begins to grow, it starts to feel more real.
Again, I'm sorry you are feeling this way and I hope your next u/s gives you the reassurance you need.

[Lucky Mama]

Oh, sweetie. My heart hurts hearing about all you have gone through. I think it's totally normal for you to be a little disconnected. It might even be a defense mechanism, your heart protecting itself out of fear that something might go wrong. After such a traumatic experience, I think it's totally understandable that you are a little distanced from your pregnancy.

As scared as you must be, I really have faith that everything will be fine. The odds are totally in your favor. I will keep you and your little bean in my T&P. Hopefully after seeing your perfect baby on your ultrasound you'll feel a little more comfortable letting your heart get attached.

And please don't feel like you can't post about your struggles here. We are here to support each other. No censorship required. Ever.

[Hoping4bby]

I'm sorry that you are going through this and are feeling this way. All you can do is stay positive and move through your emotions and feelings as each day comes. I hope things turn around for you mentally and maybe after seeing your healthy baby this next appointment things will change! I will be thinking positive thoughts for you!! Stay strong!

[LilHerndon]

Unfortunately I can relate to your story, but not because of a past molar pregnancy, but my past ectopic. I had NO issues when DH and I started trying in January 2011, thought I might have PCOS but that wasn't a big deal. Regardless, I did my research and felt great about my odds. In April when the pain started the thought of an ectopic passed through my mind, but I brushed it off knowing that less than 2% of pregnancies become ectopic in someone that doesn't have any markers to cause the ectopic. It happened to me. I didn't understand HOW that could happen. I'm healthy, never any STD's or hell even slight infections, so HOW and WHY would I have an ectopic? And WHY did it have to rupture? HOW could I almost die from just wanting to have a baby? I swore the odds would be against me for the rest of my life.

Fast forward a year and lots of meds later, literally within days of my ectopic anniversary I got pregnant again, and we lost that one very early too...for no apparent reason. I gave up, and somehow got pregnant with no medical assistance. First thing that crosses my mind when I see those pink lines - I'm going to need surgery again for an ectopic. Waiting for my first ultrasound (only 2 days but still) was the most terrifying of my life. I knew it'd be in my tube and I'd be rushed into the operating room again. Then we saw the little sac, and it was in the right spot. A small victory, but one of the biggest reliefs I have ever felt. The tech said it was SO CLOSE to being ectopic again that only millimeters got it into my uterus and ok.

That being said, it took me a long time to begin to connect with this little one, and some days I catch myself thinking that I may lose Lucky, but I shake myself out of it. I call this baby Lucky because (amongst other reasons) it's something I haven't ever felt until now, when luck and maybe God or Fate or the powers that be were on my side. Each ultrasound and heartbeat brings me closer to my baby, and I'm finally starting to realize this is real.

Sorry this is so long-winded, I just wanted you to know you are allowed to feel however you feel. This appointment will bring back horrible memories and be tough as heck, but once it's done and you see your baby you can get past that milestone and hopefully begin to feel better about this baby. You will get to that enjoying pregnancy stage, it just may take longer than most.

[LisaG825]

I know I had trouble connecting with my second pregnancy. I had told a few ppl at work only for an emergency. Then right before our Christmas break several others knew at work. I told them that I am not officially pregnant until about mid/end of Jan. when I was at least 20 weeks or more. LOL I had extra u/s with him(second pregnancy) and even though I was told it wasn't another molar I still didn't want to believe them. I knew there was always that chance that it wouldn't show up on u/s. We told our parents and family when I was about 17 or 18 weeks on Christmas. I actually got an u/s the day before Christmas eve b/c I couldn't tell them unless I saw our baby alive. Even then I was a nervous wreck telling everyone.

I guess b/c I had like 4 u/s with my first pregnancy and they didn't notice anything freaks me out. Plus having this u/s so close to the point in my miscarriage with my first makes it even harder. This will only be my second u/s with this pregnancy. I opted to not call the high risk dr. this time. Otherwise I would be able to get more u/s. I would have to drive about 5 hours though to get them. I didn't feel like doing all the driving again.

[booksy]

It's so interesting - I couldn't have described this feeling well until reading your post. After two losses in a row, I was completely positive this pregnancy was going to be the same. So it's been a weird feeling trying to absorb the 'news' that this pregnancy appears to be normal. I'm not connected to the baby yet, same as you.

But soon enough, chances are, we'll both be past the worst worries. In the meantime we should all stay in touch and ask for support when we need it. Glad you wrote.