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Pregnancy has been dark for me (long)


Forum: January 2013 Playroom

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  #1  
September 17th, 2012, 08:44 AM
Expecting #1 & 2
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 502
I know that I don't post very much anymore. Most of it was due to the complications that I had at the beginning of my pregnancy and it left me feeling uneasy. Much of my problem now is that I always feel as though I am in a dark place with my pregnancy. I'm not sure if anyone else is feeling this way.

I realize that I should talk to my doctor, but I feel fantastic when I'm not around negative people. I would say 100% of my "darkness" comes from family. I never thought that me being pregnant would cause such angry, hateful things to come out of certain individuals mouth's, much less family members.

Hormones are on overload when you're pregnant, but I feel as though I am justified to be upset by the following actions/comments. I have read a lot of posts recently where girls are experiencing negativity from outsiders, but is anyone else experiencing this kind of negativity from those in their own family?

1) DH has three sister's. Two never acknowledged the fact that I was pregnant. Never called, emailed, sent smoke signals. Nothing. Mind you, there are a TON of nieces/nephews that I contantly send cards to, Christmas gifts, show up at parties for, Christenings etc. But now that we're having kids, no one is around. They can find our phone number/email when need something or want to invite us somewhere, but now they can't find our info when we have big news. Normally I wouldn't care if we didn't hear from someone, but I feel as though his sisters should be an obvious congratulations.

2) A family member of mine called up and demanded to know if my DH was getting snipped soon. She thought that "the twins were plenty and that we should stop." Yes, you read this correctly.

3) A family member called up and said that she "heard we had fertility problems and didn't we take that as a sign from God that we weren't meant to have children." My response, "God created fertility doctors too, so I took that sign from him."

4) A family member called up and told me that they thought my cribs were "too expensive" on my registry and couldn't I find cheaper ones. I told her that we wanted those cribs for the girls, we were paying for them on our own, so no one gets a say.

5) A family member called up and wanted to know why I would "throw away my college education and good job to be a mother." I told her that I felt sorry for her that she saw it that way, but I sure didn't.

6) A family member called up and said "does that husband of yours make enough money to support all of you since you're giving up your career?" I didn't really have an answer to this because I question how people think it is their business to question other people about their financial status.

7) My mother fights with me about "who I tell about my pregnancy." If I tell someone that she doesn't want to know, she calls them up and tells them off so they stop talking to me. (Take some time to absorb this one, it's so strange it doesn't make sense).

8) I am having twins and should really have a shower, but I refuse. All of these "commenters" would be invited and honestly, I don't need babble in the background while I'm opening gifts as to whether or not my DH got snipped yet. I rather buy what they need myself than to have a party and be anxious and miserable.

9) I have certain family members who know that I am pregnant and when I talk to them, they won't acknowledge that I'm pregnant. For instance, usually people ask "how are you feeling?" "how is everything going?" Nothing. Nada. Not like I expect anyone to fawn all over me, but a simple acknowledgement would be nice. Nope.

10) "You were so sick in the beginning of your pregnancy, I hope there isn't anything wrong with those babies. If they are small or sick, it's your fault." That was also a comment by someone in my family. That's special.

11) Another family member comment, "Wow, twins, that is so hard and expensive. I really don't think you can handle everything that comes along with that." You read that one correct as well. How do you answer that? Maybe, "Oh yeah, you're right. Do you want me to give you one of the twins to take the load off of me? Especially since you're a better parent and all."

I could write another 800 lines, but these are the ones that stand out the most.

DH, my dad and my good friend are all that I have that listen and I believe care.

With everything going on, I'm not sure what to do. Mostly, I use pregnancy as an excuse. These family members call and I tell DH to tell them I'm sleeping. I just can't handle all of the negativity much longer. They are really making me question whether or not I'll be a good parent.

Sorry for the long post, but all of these comments aren't really subsiding and they really make me upset.

Is anyone else experiencing this kind of behavior from their own family?
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  #2  
September 17th, 2012, 08:52 AM
mal91011's Avatar Mommy to Maxwell
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I am so sorry you've been having to deal with this. I can see how all that negativity puts you into a dark place. I do not blame you one bit for temporarily (or permanently!) cutting people like that out of your life while trying to get through your pregnancy. Carrying twins is enough work, you don't need those people stressing you out!!

I hope other than the stress that these people are causing you the rest of your pregnancy is going well!!
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  #3  
September 17th, 2012, 08:59 AM
SaraSmiles's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Really? Wow. Some of those comments I cant even believe came out of a strangers mouth, let alone family. You must have some tough skin to even be able to talk to them/ look at them after what comes out of their mouth. Seperate yourself from the negitivity as much as you can and definately be more active here on the board. These ladies are awesome and supportive and whenever I find that my family/friends arent being as supportive as I feel necessary, I just turn to these ladies here in the January DDC and I feel alot better. If you ever want to chat PM me, I will be more than happy to talk about things with you!! You poor thing...many many many hugs!
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  #4  
September 17th, 2012, 09:02 AM
Dee
Join Date: Feb 2012
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That sounds horrible. I'd be unavailable if any of those people were calling me, too. I hope that you're getting a lot of positive energy from your DH, dad and friend.

Are there any prenatal groups in your area - maybe a class or support group you can connect with so there are some positive people in person to encourage and support you? And, while I can understand why you might want a break, I hope you'll come on here anytime and let us know when you could use an affirmative word or two.
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  #5  
September 17th, 2012, 09:16 AM
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Holy crap. I wouldn't even be talking to my family at all if they made comments like that. Not okay. I'd be telling them where to put their opinions and that they could go to hell...
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  #6  
September 17th, 2012, 09:16 AM
MammaWannaBe's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Holy crickey! That is like the ultimate list of what not to say/express/anything while pregnant. I really feel for you because that is completely unfair and why anyone thinks they have a say in your pregnancy and how you or your DH plan to live your lives is beyond me. That is really just above and beyond. You think people would just be happy for you after your struggles that you are pregnant and get not one but TWO blessings! It really is a miracle.

I haven't gone through anything nearly as bad, but I did have an issue with my SIL because we got pregnant around the same time and she was pissed about having to share the spotlight and it caused issues for months in the family. It was almost as if I should have "waited my turn" since I am younger than her, which is crazy to me. Any child is a blessing and having cousins close in age is so cool!

You waited too long to get pregnant. NO ONE should bring you down. You should be able to ride cloud 9 throughout this process. Remember you can't change peoples reactions, but you can change how you react towards them. I suggest maybe finding an actual support group for mother's expecting multiples so you can develop friendships with women who might be able to relate more to what you are going through.

Also, use this board! This place is full of positivity. We oo and ahh over every bedding set, name selection, ultrasound picture! Let us support you and make you feel like the beautiful pregnant mama to be that you are. You struggled enough to get pregnant, you shouldn't have to struggle emotionally now that you are actually pregnant!

As far as family goes, ignore the calls. Or pick them up and anytime you get a rude question, let them know. Your DH getting snipped is none of their business. You don't see motherhood as a throwing away your diploma. And, if they feel that way, they should keep their comments to themselves because they hurt your feelings. Let them know how ugly their comments are and hopefully that will keep them at bay.

Sending good vibes your way and I do hope things get better.
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  #7  
September 17th, 2012, 09:27 AM
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First of all, HUGS. How terrible and reprehensible for anyone to say such things to another human being, ESPECIALLY what should be a treasured family member. Just sad.

Now, I want to ask a hard question. Why are you letting what ANYONE says influence how you feel about your ability to parent? Stop that right now! Nobody has the power to make you feel any way about yourself without your permission, so it's time to stop allowing it. Time to shut that train down! I am so glad to hear that you have a few supportive people in your life - that's wonderful! Now maybe you could try to find a few more? What about a mommy group after your babes are born? I know I've also heard of mamas who were in parenting classes/groups or breastfeeding support groups at their hospitals who made lifelong friends. Not sure if you're religious, but church is a handy place to meet people too.

It's time to cut out the negativity from your life. If people don't want to be supportive or at least neutral, then stay away from them. Life is too short for that. You are experiencing an amazing, wonderful blessing and you must surround yourself with people who want to share in that joy with you!

Sending lots of hugs and positive thoughts your way. Please don't be a stranger, we could help lift your spirits!
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  #8  
September 17th, 2012, 09:34 AM
kbpeanut's Avatar Scooter!
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Location: san diego, ca
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WOW. Double wow. I can't believe what I read.

I big time ditto what the other ladies have said. Please don't be a stranger here, we are a fab group, with no negativity, and a TON of great support.

And honestly, if it were me, I wouldn't ignore these people at all, I would give them a piece of my mind. A nice big chunk of it.

I'm really sorry this is all going on, and that it is affecting such a beautiful time in your life in such a negative way. Please do lean on us, and consider starting a journal? I have journaled my way through my rough, long, 3 1/2 year TTC journey through infertility and now continuing through my pregnancy. It has helped in ways I couldn't even imagine.

xx
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  #9  
September 17th, 2012, 09:37 AM
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Wow. I am so sorry for your family and friends. That is horrible!

I agree a multiples or prenatal support would be great. A friend of mine has multiples and she gets together with other multiples from a support group and has formed great friendships.

If you have it in you tell those people to please stop calling as you are not interested in there comments. Then if they continue refuse there calls.

I feel for you. We are here for you and hopefully that can put a smile on your face. This should be a happy time!
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  #10  
September 17th, 2012, 10:42 AM
.Nikki.'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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OMG I am so sorry you are going through all that, and that people that you are close to put you through such horrid comments. I just sat here and read your whole post with my mouth open! The nerve of people....especially when half of that is not anyones business...especially finances and your husbands penis!

Start giving it back to people. I would honestly tell them that they are being rude and you honestly are not going to put up with their rude comments. Start hurting their feelings (in a nice way) like they have yours. You do not have to put up with any of that!
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  #11  
September 17th, 2012, 12:24 PM
swaddlestar's Avatar Super Mommy
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That's just insane. I wish I could adopt you somehow, like a sister or a cousin or something. These people sound just terrible. I echo the others in seeing if you can find a prenatal or multiples support group nearby...maybe ask your hospital if they can direct you to one. I'm so sorry again!
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  #12  
September 17th, 2012, 01:09 PM
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WTH?.....I would stop answering the phone completely for these nonsense ppl. Secondly, I would drive to the hardware store and get several boxes of nail/screws which would accidentally fall out of my car onto the street right in front of their driveways. Lastly, I would go get an ice cream sundae and say "*** them" several times as I indulged! Feel better! Hugs! P.S. perhaps a trained professional may be able to give you some explanation/ relief from these ppl!
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  #13  
September 17th, 2012, 01:52 PM
joellejello's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I kinda want to kick every one of those people square in the nuts for you.
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  #14  
September 17th, 2012, 01:59 PM
colette20's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Ive been MIA from the boards too, as I am in a dark place too. My family says crazy things, much like yours. It really takes its toll mentally.

Im sorry your family is causing such issues... I know I am ready to kill mine half the time.
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  #15  
September 17th, 2012, 02:41 PM
Angel.Eyes4351's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Um NO that is not normal or appropriate. I cannot believe they think these things, let alone say them!!! I am so sorry.

Cuss them out and blame hormones then!
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  #16  
September 17th, 2012, 02:42 PM
Lil_Mama2B's Avatar Veteran
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Wow, I cannot imagine how that must feel. That is just terrible and I am so sorry you have to deal with this. You and your husband should be happy! Gathering that you were trying for this since you had mentioned fertility problems you should be EXTRA happy about this blessing!! I agree with an earlier post in saying **** them!!!!! surround yourself with people that share your happiness. It must be difficult to block your family out but thats what they have made you do. It's not right that they are ruining this special time for you. easier said than done but try to ignore them and make the most you can out of the rest of your pregnancy.
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  #17  
September 17th, 2012, 03:28 PM
WENDYLL22's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Wowza, that is no doubt a lot to take in. It sucks that with all you are going through physically right now you have to endure that emotional stuff too. While my family is not that harsh they do take every possible chance to get their two cents in. We are here to shed some light on those dark moments.
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  #18  
September 17th, 2012, 04:25 PM
mamaginger's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Holy CRAP....that is beyond anything I've ever heard. What in the world would they say is their reason for being anti-pregnancy for you? I hate ghat you are dealing with that. Everyone is so excited for us but when I say "everyone" I mostly mean my church family. My parents and siblings are kind of whatever but definitely not negative. I do remember neagtivity about getting married though. I got the same kind of "what about your education and your career?" as if I couldn't finish college and have a career just because i got married. I finished college in 4.5 years and was a special education teacher for 3 years before I had my son. There's no career that's more important than a child or a family. I have the rest of my life to work. I only have a small window of time to have children. Im probably the happiest and most content right now being home with my son, homeschooling him and expecting a daughter in a few months. I don't care what anybody thinks of my career path or my homeschooling choice. I'm doing what's best for my family and we are all happy, healthy and intelligent. I hope you can find support from friends and others. Stay away from the negative people. Focus on the positive. You have been blessed with twins and this should be an exciting time in your life! How are you and the babies now? (health-wise...I know you are feeling sad)
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  #19  
September 18th, 2012, 06:06 AM
Lacey_619's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I am sending prayers your way. What an awful thing that you have to endure from people that are supposed to love and support you. I would tell them that if they cannot support you and your life choices then they need to just stay away.
Babies are a blessing and yours are too... Don't feel any pressure to have your hubby get the big V I would do what is best for you and your family and not worry about them.
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  #20  
September 18th, 2012, 07:28 AM
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I am speechless. Truely. WTH???


Why do these people think you owe them an answer?

Why do these people think that you give a shoot about their opinions?

I would just keep repeating "Thank you, but I am no longer taking parenting advice" over and over and over again untiil they get the message that you arent accountable to them.
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