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I feel bad. Am I a bad auntie?


Forum: January 2013 Playroom

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  #21  
November 30th, 2012, 08:43 PM
Lucky Mama's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I agree with everyone else. You are not being unreasonable and it was a little rude of them to ask, honestly. This is your very first little baby and you have had a particularly long journey in getting Scooter here. It is 100% normal that you would want the things you bought or received for Scooter to be used by him first.

I would be okay (I guess) with the baby using the crib if they brought their own sheets (they must have some of those at home, right?), but I would not want them using much beyond that. They need to make arrangements for the car seat, IMHO. Lugging stuff around is part of being a parent. It's inconvienient, but that's life with small babies sometimes! Sorry, folks!

Again, it would be different if the baby items were already used by your baby, but I don't think it's weird at all that you would want Scooter to be the first to use his own things.
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  #22  
November 30th, 2012, 10:51 PM
missadie222's Avatar Go Your Own Way mama2b
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I think you have EVERY RIGHT to feel EXACTLY THE WAY YOU FEEL! And you also have EVERY SINGLE RIGHT to have an open and honest relationship with them and let them KNOW IT! In a kind, gentle way, but STILL........

One of the main things is that these things you have are BRAND NEW, bought and tailored for YOUR NEW BABY! I have some things like a crib and a carseat that are used handmedowns and so it wouldn't bother me so much if my new niece wanted to use those, but for the NEW things,..... yes it would bother me.

Can you just flat out say "hey, I feel lame about even FEELING this way but I can't help it, I was really wanting to save my brand new things for my new baby." And maybe suggest they bring the carseat as check-in luggage. And maybe let one thing slide, like sleeping in the Pak n' Play or letting them use the Pak' N' Play cause honestly, that thing will probably help you out with a one year old around! I had a friend come with her one year old and she let him crawl all over my whole house and it was really quite awful because there is dangerous stuff everywhere and it's not at all suitable for babies that crawl! (It's getting there now, this was a year ago....)

Anyhoo, I'd nix them on everything 'cept maybe the Pack n' Play. Can't they buy one of those seat attachment travel high chairs? I swear... people sometimes just don't understand how rude they are being. Whether you love them or not, I SO HIGHLY value humility in people. As well as people taking FULL responsibility for their own issues, babies, and things. That includes making their stay at their 9 month pregnant SIL's house as reasonable and comfortable and quiet and kind as possible.

I am sure you will work it all out and have a wonderful holiday in the end. It's exciting you will have the company, especially once this sitch is ironed out!
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  #23  
December 1st, 2012, 06:32 AM
kbpeanut's Avatar Scooter!
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When DH got home last night, I had a talk with him. I mentioned this very briefly the other night, but didn't go into it. Last night, though, I shared exactly how I felt. He doesn't agree at all, nor does he understand my point of view. Now, to be clear, he listened to me very well, and tried to hear me, and we did not argue about it at all, but he just doesn't understand. And while he doesn't understand my viewpoint, I don't understand his. He feels that I put too much value on "things", and to some extent, he's right. After all, it's just a "thing". But, it's Scooter's NEW thing, and that's that.

I told him I was ok with the crib, as long as I got a separate set of sheets for it - he thought that was a great solution. The high chair, well, we'll see what happens with that. I'm not as concerned over that for some reason. The pack n play, I've decided that unless she is going to sleep in it, we probably won't set it up. She's not used to being in one, so it probably wouldn't be of much use, but if we need to contain her, I'm ok with that one too. The car seat still gets to me. Not sure why that item so much, but it does. I've suggested to my brother that they bring theirs and check it at the airport (still not sure why they don't want to bring it). Plus, since I am not picking them up from the airport, they still need a car seat to get from there to here.

So, we shall see. All in all, I'll be ok with it, I'm already feeling better about it today.

But, what really gets me is that I just do not fathom how people could ask this. ESPECIALLY my SIL. She, before she had her child, was VERY PARTICULAR about such things, and I tried explaining this to DH. If the situation were reversed, and we had Scooter, and they didn't have their DD yet, and we asked to use all their brand new things before their DD arrived, she would be appalled that we would even ask, I'm sure. DH's response was that it is wrong of me to judge them for asking this, and it's not right for me to expect SIL to put herself in my shoes. After all, she's a mom now, and she has changed (this is true, she is much more flexible and stuff now), and she probably doesn't even remember what it felt like before having a kid.

I don't buy that one bit.

But, anyway. I was very upset, not angry, just really sad. I cried a lot over this stupid thing, but whatever.

Anyhow, I really appreciate all the support and comments on this ladies. I know I say a lot here, but I never really ask for help and advice too often, so when I do, I really appreciate your feedback and thoughts.

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  #24  
December 1st, 2012, 06:45 AM
mal91011's Avatar Mommy to Maxwell
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I'm glad you guys sort of have it figured out. Is the crib all set up in scooters nursery? I think thats what I would have the most issue with - somebody sleeping in the nursery before Scooter.

Thats why I'd think they'd want to use the pack and play, they can set it up in their room next to them so mabel won't feel alone.

Unless they're all sleeping in the nursery and then all of my arguments are invalid.
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  #25  
December 1st, 2012, 06:52 AM
kbpeanut's Avatar Scooter!
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The crib is all set up. And even if it wasn't, the PnP would have to go in there anyway, because it won't fit in the guest bedroom anyway. Their daughter has been sleeping in her own room since she was 5 weeks old - she didn't last too long in her co-sleeper thing - she has always slept through the night, and they had her out of their bedroom pretty quickly.

I really don't mind her sleeping in the room, it's just the crib and such. But, I have decided that I will be fine with it if I get new sheets and a separate crib mattress pad. I can pick some up pretty inexpensively, and it will never hurt to have a spare set!
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  #26  
December 1st, 2012, 07:31 AM
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I don't know your SIL, but from what you said I can see how a lot of your frustration might be coming from the fact that if the situations were reversed, she would be insulted/frustrated/hurt.

That said, I respectfully disagree and think that it is acceptable, especially in a close family, especially when they are flying, to ask to borrow some things. They may not have gone about it in an appropriate way. (And even if they did, I think your feelings about it are okay, I understand why you're upset.) But I don't think it was wrong of them to ask.

I don't have any kids yet, but travelling with them is hard, especially if you're flying and trying to reduce your gear. I've seen people do it masterfully, but that is rare. The parents of young children are always the most ragged looking in the terminal, even more so if they seem to be lugging a lot of extra crap with them.

Part of this is easy for me to say because I think I'm a little more like your husband when it comes to the "stuff" of the baby's, and having things that are new for a baby is not important to me, though I understand why it's important to others. I guess I see this more as the beginning of a lifelong share between Scooter and Mabel, who hopefully will grow to be close cousins and friends.

I believe it's free to check a carseat. For example, here is the Delta.com policy on checking car seats:
Quote:
Children’s strollers and seat restraints are not counted as part of the standard baggage and therefore can easily be checked for free. For your convenience these items may be checked at curbside, the ticket counter, or at the gate.
Or, they can rent one from the car rental company. I think that is a reasonable request, not just because yours is new, but because you won't be picking them up from the airport and they'll need one anyway.

I'm sorry that this is bothering you so much. When something like this happens, especially with an in law (even one I'm close to), I have a really hard time letting it go, and it eats away at me. So I know the feeling. It sounds like you're making an effort to be honest and reasonable, and in the long run that's the best thing so that hopefully you can relax and enjoy the visit together once they arrive.
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  #27  
December 1st, 2012, 07:32 AM
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I would probably feel the same way, and probably feel crazy guilty about feeling the same way. No way does this make you a bad Aunt, though.
It's one thing if the items were already second hand, but you want things brand new and shiny for your brand new baby, even this small visit kind of nulls that. I totally get it.
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  #28  
December 1st, 2012, 07:39 AM
kbpeanut's Avatar Scooter!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by d_tops View Post
I don't know your SIL, but from what you said I can see how a lot of your frustration might be coming from the fact that if the situations were reversed, she would be insulted/frustrated/hurt.

That said, I respectfully disagree and think that it is acceptable, especially in a close family, especially when they are flying, to ask to borrow some things. They may not have gone about it in an appropriate way. (And even if they did, I think your feelings about it are okay, I understand why you're upset.) But I don't think it was wrong of them to ask.

I don't have any kids yet, but travelling with them is hard, especially if you're flying and trying to reduce your gear. I've seen people do it masterfully, but that is rare. The parents of young children are always the most ragged looking in the terminal, even more so if they seem to be lugging a lot of extra crap with them.

Part of this is easy for me to say because I think I'm a little more like your husband when it comes to the "stuff" of the baby's, and having things that are new for a baby is not important to me, though I understand why it's important to others. I guess I see this more as the beginning of a lifelong share between Scooter and Mabel, who hopefully will grow to be close cousins and friends.

I'm sorry that this is bothering you so much. When something like this happens, especially with an in law (even one I'm close to), I have a really hard time letting it go, and it eats away at me. So I know the feeling. It sounds like you're making an effort to be honest and reasonable, and in the long run that's the best thing so that hopefully you can relax and enjoy the visit together once they arrive.
Thanks for your honesty! I think you are right...a big part of my frustration comes from the fact that if the situation were reversed, she wouldn't hear of this.

I think in the end, you're right...I am making an effort, and like I told DH last night, there is no way I would flat out refuse to let them use anything - but doesn't mean it can't bug me a bit, for whatever reason. At the end of the day, they are traveling (and yes, I know it comes along with having kids, bringing their gear is part of it!), and if I can make their trip, albeit short, easier, I will. They will respect our belongings, and treat them with the utmost care, I am certain of that. So I think fate will step in, and what is meant to be, will be, and if they need to use some Scooter Stuffs, so be it. Good karma will return...

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  #29  
December 1st, 2012, 09:44 AM
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All the ladies have had such good advice and help, I am not really sure what I could add. I can completely understand being protective of Scooter's brand new things, you got them for him, and someone asking to use them seems a bit rude to me.

Setting some boundaries and talking with them is very important, and I am sure they will understand.

I can't really add much because we are on baby #3, so hand-me-downs are really all we have for this tot. But no more crying *hug* you are not a bad Auntie at all!
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  #30  
December 2nd, 2012, 12:54 PM
joellejello's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I don't think you're horrible for feeling that way. I think it's natural really.

But, a lot of Sean's 'things' came from his older cousins, and my sisters and I have all passed them around as needed. They really use these things for such a short period of time that most things are practically new even after they are done with them. (besides things like the crib obviously) I wouldn't have a problem sharing, it's really a huge pain in the *** to travel with large baby items.
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  #31  
December 2nd, 2012, 03:04 PM
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Do you have any friends that have a extra carseat you could borrow for your SIL to use?
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  #32  
December 2nd, 2012, 04:14 PM
Lyndsey2013's Avatar Mom to 2 + 3
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Maybe you could find a relatively cheap pack n' play or carseat on craigslist for when they visit. After all, won't they have these same needs after your baby is born? Not saying you should necessarily have to supply these things for visitors... just wondering, what are your plans for visiting them in the future? Is this an option for you so that you do not have to share your baby's things with them, not only before baby arrives but also after!
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  #33  
December 3rd, 2012, 07:50 AM
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Karin -- you are NOT a bad aunt.

Listen sister, after everything that you went through to get this precious baby, you can say and do what you want. I do understand how you feel and you are justified.

If someone is offended by anything you say or do, blame it on the pregnancy hormones.

Remember how much you wanted and waited for Scooter. That makes any decision that you make right.
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  #34  
December 3rd, 2012, 09:24 AM
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I think that both you and your husband have valid view points! I would say in general I'm more like your husband thinking, 'things are things', but when it comes to this baby I am sooooo sentimental already. Even though the majority of our things we've bought from yard sales, or thrift/consignment stores, I've already imagined my girly using them. It's almost part of how I relate to her in my mind. I've pictured her sleeping in the crib, and how she will look sitting in her car seat with the little cover over her keeping her warm. Even though the outfit that I've picked for her to come home from the hospital in I got from a yard sale, so I know that it has been worn/used before, it's still my favorite and I love love love imagining her wear it. It messes with my mind to try and picture someone else's baby using those items, like I would feel robbed. I don't know if you've felt like this at all, but I sometimes feel like picturing those moments (not to mention tons of others!) is what has helped me get though this pregnancy with my fears and sleepless nights and less than awesome doctor's appointments and all of that. I do think that once she arrives she'll show me and teach me what she values and is significant to her -- she'll probably hate sleeping in the crib and it won't get used much, but she'll get attached to a blanket that I have no specific care for and that will be her security blanket for her childhood, and then I'll learn to mellow out about the things. But for now I know that in my mind I'm constructing this world for her that I hold precious (why else do we decorate nurseries and pick out certain outfits?) and it would be really hard for me to let go of it so easy -- right now it's all I have, the thumps in my tummy and the hopes and dreams in my head. Once she is here and shows me her world I don't think it will matter so much. For me the issue wouldn't be someone else using the stuff - it's already been used -- it's having the picture in my mind of my girl replaced by a kid who is not mine. Just let me have that, then I'll play nice and share.

--Also, I do think that this might be more common for first time moms.....?
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  #35  
December 3rd, 2012, 09:54 AM
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I dont think your a bad aunt at all.

Think about it this way, it may be nice to see how functional the baby stuff you bought is for an older child. What if she uses the high chair and you discover that the seat belt is crappy for an older chld, doesnt support them, she can undo it too easily etc...

At least you could return and buy a different one.

I like to see how functional my stuff is for different age groups, so I asked my friends to bring their babies over and I tried out our stroller, carseat, pack and play to see how functional they were across a longer span.

Also, from a mum of 4 (5 on weekends), traveling with kids is hard. And honestly I would assume that if my sister had big ticket baby items not being used, that I could ask to use them for the duration of our visit.


However, I would also bring my own carseat bc that is something that is personal bc of the way it is set up (strap wise). So I think you are wise to say no to the carseat portion of it.
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  #36  
December 3rd, 2012, 10:58 AM
kbpeanut's Avatar Scooter!
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Ladies!

THANK YOU for all of your comments, and support. I cannot begin to tell you how your words have helped me deal with this situation. I am on my way to getting it under control, I think.

I did mention this to my mom, and she couldn't believe they would ask this. (I was actually surprised, I thought my mom would side with them).

I sent my brother a long email about many things related to Christmas, and put a few questions in there about this stuff too (phrased politely, of course).

Here is where things stand for now:
* I decided that I'm just not going to budge on the car seat. Next to Scooter's coming home outfit, the car seat is the first thing he will be in, and it's just too important to me.
* I bought Mabel her own special crib sheet (it's actually really cute!), and decided that if that is where they are most comfortable with her sleeping (vs the pack n play), I will deal with that one.
* I am not setting up the high chair. We don't need it set up for at least 6 months, and there is no need. We have a bumbo type seat that has a removable "stage 2" insert for kids who are 12 mos+, and it has a tray, so she can use that for eating if she wants.
* Probably won't set up the pack n play unless they choose to have her sleep in that instead of the crib. But even then, I'd need to get a sheet for that, since we don't have one.

I still don't know how they were planning to get her from the airport to our house without a car seat, but at this point, they can worry about it.

I agree with many of you that it is likely a pain to travel with kids, and the less they have to lug the better. However, there are somethings that I think you just have to deal with when you travel with kids. Car seat is one of them. The rest of it I can live with, but I'm holding firm on that one.

So, I think it will all work out. My brother and I are very close, and we will talk it out this week I'm sure, and he will be fine. I think what it has really come down to is that I am still appalled that they even asked. ESPECIALLY since I know they, or my SIL at least, would react the same way if the tables were turned.

My DH still doesn't agree with me entirely, but when I let him glance through many of your replies (and those replies of my friends on another board as well), he is starting to see that he is in the minority (and many of those other ladies also asked their DHs and they also agreed with me).

Oh well, it will work out, and I'm just not going to spend any time worrying/stressing about it anymore.

Thank you again, SO much for all of your support.
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  #37  
December 3rd, 2012, 11:57 AM
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Most airlines will let you gate-check the car seat. The will need to let someone at the ticket counter know that they want to gate-check the car seat (and you can do this with strollers, too) and they will get a tag for it. Then when they get to the plane to board, they will give the car seat/stroller to someone right at the door of the plane. It is free, and it will be waiting for them when they get off the plane. I think you should suggest this to them...it doesn't cost them anything, so I'm not sure why they would object. You could phrase it like "it might be comforting for Mabel to have some of her own things on the trip," so it seems like you are suggesting it for their benefit. Plus you are right...they can't leave the airport without a car seat!
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  #38  
December 3rd, 2012, 12:18 PM
kbpeanut's Avatar Scooter!
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Thanks for popping in

Ya, they have travel with her plenty of times (both car and airplane), so they are very familiar with the drill...confuses me too, as to why they don't want to bring at least her car seat. I can see not bringing a bunch of other stuff, but at least the car seat!

I like the idea of saying "maybe she will be more comfortable with some of her own things..."

Good thought!
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  #39  
December 3rd, 2012, 02:25 PM
joellejello's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Them bringing the carseat does seem like a no-brainer.
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