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Am I a terrible mommy? Not sure what to do... LONG


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  • 1 Post By Angel.Eyes4351

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  #1  
December 6th, 2012, 06:36 AM
PickyNicki's Avatar Super Mommy
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Warning: This may be long....

A little history-

With my first pregnancy, my daughter was born with her hand on the top of her head. She was only 7 lbs 9 oz but because of her hand, her delivery was very difficult- being positioned that way made her head and shoulders much bigger and harder to deliver. Labor with her was 28 hours. I ended up having 4th degree tearing, an hour and a half of repair, and losing a lot of blood to the point of almost needing a transfusion. I was in the hospital a couple extra days because of this and sat on a donut for about 4 weeks.

My second pregnancy, I was measuring large. They did multiple ultrasounds-the last at one day past my DD where they estimated weight at 9 lbs 11 oz. The tech told me that they could be +/- 20 oz and that since my first was only 7.5 that this one was probably 8.5/9. Nope. At 8 days past DD and after a fairly short labor (for me) 8 hours, my DS was born at 10 lbs 1 oz. He had a BIG head and shoulders and was just a big boy all around. I compare his head to a large grapefruit where DD1 was more like an orange... With that delivery I had 3rd degree tearing which took the dr about an hour to repair. Recovery was rough, but not quite as bad with DD1.

During my third pregnancy, my dr kept close watch on the size of the baby. At every ultrasound she was measuring right around the 50th percentile, so we were expecting a baby around 8 pounds and she didn't disappoint- arriving at 7 lbs 15 oz. Her labor was LONG. She was due on a Thursday. That Saturday when I was getting out of bed I felt a weird trickle and called L&D. They told me to come in if I felt anything else- which I didn't. I had periods of regular contractions all day Saturday when they would get about 7 min apart and then they would go farther to maybe 20 min or so. Sunday I had contractions 7-10 min apart all day. Finally Monday morning around 3am they were 3-5 min apart so we went in. I ended up having Pitocin (which I NEVER want to do again) because the contractions were so irregular. She was finally born Monday afternoon and the actual delivery went okay. We found out during labor, that my water HAD actually broken, but her head was capping it off. She also had the cord around her neck which prolonged the labor (and accounted for the irregular contractions) because she would drop down and the go back up when the cord would pull. I ended up only having minimal tearing with her.

During each labor, I had an epidural praying that one time it would work well. The first time the nurse turned it down and it quit working completely a few hours before DD1 was born. The second time I think it worked the best, but DS was so big that I felt quite a bit of pain with him, too. The third time there was a nerve in my hip that was pinched the whole time and no amount of meds helped it. It was super painful.

This may be TMI... Resulting from my tearing/repair, sex has never been quite the same. Each delivery it has gotten a little bit more uncomfortable. It feels like there are ridges in there from the scars that are being rubbed. I know with my 1st DD my clitoris was torn. I still enjoy sex, it just isn't as easy. I also have *some* incontinence issues on occasion. Not bad, but I DON"T want it to get any worse.

Soooo, all that said, this time I am considering a c-section. My dr offered, but he also is just a little cocky and seems to think "with him" I won't have any problems. He's repaired lots of other drs tearing, but he's never had a 4th degree tear. I told DH that there's always a first time. I really trust his skills as a surgeon, and he has a great reputation, but I can't help but be nervous about a vaginal delivery given my past.

AND this baby is measuring big, so I'm worried that she WILL be big and I will have even more problems resulting from her birth... Also, what if I AM due earlier than we thought??

It makes me feel a little bad opting for a c-section. I'm worried that we won't bond as well. I'm very worried that we won't be able to breast feed or will have a lot of issues with it... I'm so conflicted.

All this causes me a lot of anxiety, which I talked with the dr about earlier in the pregnancy. I just want to go in next time and feel like I have a clear idea of what I want to do. He wants to induce right at my due date if she isn't here. I have a history of late babies, so that could be the case, and I DO NOT want to be induced. That scares me more than a c-section.

Right now I am conflicted and feeling a lot of anxiety...

If you made it this far, thanks for reading my book. Any insight???
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  #2  
December 6th, 2012, 06:47 AM
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First of all, I can relate to what you went through. Although I've only had one baby, I had a 3rd degree tear. Recovery was the worst thing ever, I suffered incontinence (still do from time to time), and I totally get what you mean about feeling the ridges during sex. It's just not the same.
And you've done it 3 times, so I don't blame you for not wanting to go through it again. I think it's really only a decision you can make- the Dr doesn't know what it's like to tear. I've never had a c-section, so I don't know how hard the recovery is. Bu that could be something to consider. It may be just as bad as the tears, Kwim?
Although they called my 3rd degree tear a "bottom c-section", so essentially somewhat comparable to a regular c-section.
You are not a bad mom for taking your own comfort/well-being into account! As moms I think we are guilty of "not caring" about ourselves much anymore once the baby arrives. I'm set to be induced tomorrow, and I'm going into it with more awareness of myself and what is best for me. Our babies will be just find, but we also have to take care of ourselves!
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  #3  
December 6th, 2012, 07:19 AM
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Thanks. I would feel better about vaginal if she was early or measuring small/average. Good luck tomorrow!
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  #4  
December 6th, 2012, 07:51 AM
Dee
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This is my first, so I don't have any personal experience with this, but I wanted to chime in on one thing:

Quote:
Originally Posted by LadieBug View Post
You are not a bad mom for taking your own comfort/well-being into account! As moms I think we are guilty of "not caring" about ourselves much anymore once the baby arrives. I'm set to be induced tomorrow, and I'm going into it with more awareness of myself and what is best for me. Our babies will be just find, but we also have to take care of ourselves!
Yes, yes, yes. Babies come into the world in all sorts of ways, and your body has done a lot of very hard work to get your babies here. On the one hand, I think you know that your body is totally capable of getting a baby into the world even under tremendously difficult circumstances. On the other hand, how many tremendously difficult circumstances are you prepared to endure? Both options obviously come with risks, but once you've weighed them and made an informed decision, I hope you'll rest well in knowing that there are a lot of good ways to be a good mom, and caring for yourself is an important - essential - part of that.
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  #5  
December 6th, 2012, 08:15 AM
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Not having any experience for myself yet, I have to say that if I were you, I wouldn't feel bad at all about considering your comfort. Having been through the experiences you have been through, you have the right. I would think on it more, think more about the possible recovery scenarios for both situations, and continue to weigh your options. If, at the end of the day, you are still feeling strongly about the section, I don't see anything wrong with fulfilling your wishes, especially since your doctor is not opposed to it.
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  #6  
December 6th, 2012, 08:26 AM
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Hey DDB!!

If this was me personally, I would do the C-Section. I wouldn't want to go through all that pain and trauma again. Yes, a C-Section is more recovery time but at least I wouldn't have to deal with the tearing probs you encounted and esp since they are telling you the baby is big.......this is just my personal opinion. Now inducing......I was induced at 39 weeks with my son only due to the fact that I was losing fluid. I wouldn't induce unless it was medically nec...........Good luck to you and your are NOT a bad mom....!!!!

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  #7  
December 6th, 2012, 08:51 AM
PickyNicki's Avatar Super Mommy
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Karin, Dee, & Gina,
Thanks for the reassurance! I guess I feel guilty about thinking of myself "first" and *maybe* not what's best for our baby... I just don't want to have to deal with more issues "down there." My dr does reconstructive surgeries, but to be honest, I will never choose to do it because of the recovery time, etc. I also want my tubes tied right away or I will end up putting it off.

My plan right now is possibly to discuss doing a c-section the 14th and if baby comes before then I will try it naturally. My biggest concern is that if the dates are off, that would mean that I'd be a week overdue yet I don't want to plan the c-section earlier and have her be too early... Argh!

Thanks for letting me vent and get my feelings out here! DH doesn't understand how hard this is for me, and I am very non-confrontational, so I have a hard time talking with my dr about it. It's so much easier with my NP or the nurses... not sure why...

If there's any BTDT moms who have had c-sections and nursed, I would love some insight into that also.

Thanks everyone!
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  #8  
December 6th, 2012, 08:58 AM
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Despite being very much in favor of low intervention birthing for myself, I can totally understand why you would go for a c-section and don't think you're being unreasonable or selfish or terrible in the least!
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  #9  
December 6th, 2012, 09:00 AM
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I had horrible tears with DS and the recovery was such a terrible experience that I am terrified of how bad it will be this time (this baby is measuring bigger than DS :/) I completely understand why you would consider a c-section, especially after going through that experience 3x. You are not a bad mom and whatever you choose will be the right choice!
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  #10  
December 6th, 2012, 09:39 AM
Angel.Eyes4351's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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First off, hugs. That's a really tough decision, and I can understand why you'd be considering a c-section. I am honestly not sure what I'd choose in your situation. Having had a c-section and a vaginal birth (2nd degree tear) I thought the tear was a walk in the park comparitively. I know everyone's c-section recovery is different, but I really really hated mine. And there are other risks to consider with a c-section. I feel like mine was one of the reasons that my Breastfeeding was unsuccessful, I have even pondered if it contributed to Aidan having colic. (There have been some talks of babies who don't pass through the birth canal not having healthy gut flora)

Here are some questions that might help you in your decision.

How much help are you going to have in the weeks after birth? Caring for 4 children including a newborn after a c-section... You will definitely need help.

What are the skin to skin and bonding policies of your hospital with a c-section? They wouldn't bring Aidan to me even in recovery. And at the next hospital I birthed at when asking if they would allow skin to skin in recovery they said no and gave some bogus reasoning about sometimes you have to share a recovery room with someone and it could be someone who had a miscarriage or something like that. Seemed very strange and not a good reason to impede bonding/nursing.

If I think of more I will post them. But anyhow NO you are not a bad mother at all for considering both very carefully. Oh and if you do choose a c-section I would want to wait until labor happened on its own and then go in for a c-section. That way you won't need to worry about an early eviction from wrong dates.
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  #11  
December 6th, 2012, 11:44 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lintu View Post
Despite being very much in favor of low intervention birthing for myself, I can totally understand why you would go for a c-section and don't think you're being unreasonable or selfish or terrible in the least!
Ditto. I had the worst tearing with ODS, and I STILL have peices of red thread come out 18 years later (I was supposed to have the stitches removed, but was incorrectly told they were dissolvable....they werent and my skin grew over them). And raised ridges.

I would also suggest seeing a sexual health counsellor, this is a common issue and they tend to have some great insight into making things more comfy.
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  #12  
December 6th, 2012, 11:53 AM
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The only thing I have to offer is that my sister had two c/s and breastfed just fine with both babies for a year. I'm like you, I don't want a c/s because of the surgery/recovery and not being able to immediately bond/hold/breastfeed. I delivered vaginally last time but was so sick I couldn't do any of that anyway. I barely saw him until the next day. . I hope that doesn't happen again. He ended up breast feeding just fine though. I had an episiotomy that healed up just fine...no issues. I def don't want to tear on my own!! Sorry you've had so many problems from your deliveries.
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  #13  
December 6th, 2012, 02:34 PM
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Holy Moly! You're brave for having two more children after that vaginally!

I say at the end of the day it is up to you and you shouldn't be ashamed to have a c-section. I don't have any experience in this matter, but my SIL just had a c-section (which sne didn't want) and she has had no issues breastfeeding, she has definitely bonded with her baby, and all is well. It's not the horror story I think that sometimes it is made out to be.

Remember it is up to you and you have to deliver this child! you aren't a bad person for not wanting to tear anymore. In fact the level of tearing is of some concern to me because I know sex will be a new adventure after baby, but it sounds like you have had to go through a lot with the level of tearing.

Any decision you make I think is a good one! It's ok to think about you and your needs as well
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  #14  
December 6th, 2012, 03:02 PM
Leigha24's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I dont blame you one bit for considering csection. Sounds like you have had the birth expeeriences from you-know-where and honestly I wouldnt have done it that way three times lol. I had a csection, nursed and bonded with my DD just fine. I guess it depends on your hospital's practices about having babies in recovery rooms. Check on all the facts first, good luck!
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  #15  
December 6th, 2012, 04:55 PM
PickyNicki's Avatar Super Mommy
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Thanks everyone for all your support and honest opinions & advice. I really appreciate all of it!

I should be able to tour the hospital next time I go in for an appt, and I will definitely ask about all of their policies, especially regarding c-sections. Hopefully that will help me make a decision.

I have two friends and a SIL who have had c-sections and I know that two of them had trouble breast feeding and gave up. That and health concerns are what I'm most worried about if I choose to go that route.

Thanks for the input! You are great!
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  #16  
December 6th, 2012, 06:11 PM
JennyBaby2013's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I've had 3 c/s's. I only nursed DS1 for about 5 weeks and nursed DS2 for about 3. I had a hard time nursing due to my supply. When I had DD I was determined to nurse longer and once again I had supply issues but we got through it w/little supplementing and I continued to bf'ed for 18 months.

Besides my supply issues (which I don't think I have anything to do with my c-sections) I didn't have any trouble breastfeeding. I was able to nurse my DD right in recovery which was about 45-60mins after birth. I didn't get to hold her until then either but she was with me the whole time while I was stitched in the OR. DH held her most of the time in there, next to me so I could kiss/talk to her and touch her cheeks etc.

Please don't feel guilty about considering a c/s! I can't imagine how you must be feeling about doing another vaginal after your experiences.

I've never had a vaginal birth so I can't compare it to anything but my c-sections all went smoothly and my recoveries were easy. Yes I was sore for a few weeks and I couldn't sleep on my stomach for a long time but I didn't have any complications and I was able to function normally within a week or so. Also, my lady garden had no impact which was nice.
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  #17  
December 6th, 2012, 07:04 PM
mojomama's Avatar Super Mommy
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How strongly do you feel about getting the epidural? Because epidurals and pushing on one's back or in a sitting position are a really great way to increase the risk of tearing. I've never done the epidural thing, but the ONLY birth I tore was the one where I pushed in a semi-sitting position. I've since given birth to two bigger babies without even a scratch- and one of those bigger babies (bigger by almost a pound!) also had a nuchal arm.
I find it curious that you will consider the increased healing time of a c-section, but not the reconstructive surgery?
I hope I'm not coming off as unsupportive. You suffered some pretty serious trauma, and I completely understand wanting to avoid a repeat of that if you can. I dont think anyone can blame you for considering options. I just wanted to point out that there are vaginal options that will greatly reduce the likelihood of further trauma...but if you don't feel like those options are for you, then yeah, surgical birth might be better than another third ir fourth degree tear.
Wishing you clarity in the process, and peace with whatever decision you come to.
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  #18  
December 7th, 2012, 06:02 AM
PickyNicki's Avatar Super Mommy
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I appreciate people's honest opinions and don't take offense.

It's not that I wouldn't do the reconstructive surgery, I just know myself, and I wouldn't take the time to schedule it. Plus I'd have to wait at least 3 months and then I couldn't lift over 10 pounds again- and I'm sure baby will be over that by then. My vaginal deliveries have all had significant healing times, so I don't feel like the c-section would be much more...Same with the tubes being tied. I would just put it off and I really want to be done having babies.

After having difficult deliveries, I am absolutely terrified of an epidural free birth... I can't imagine the pain as I was in terrible pain WITH the epi. I have friends that it worked great for, though, and barely felt a thing.
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