Log In Sign Up

New mom struggles.


Forum: January 2013 Playroom

Notices

Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Like Tree28Likes
  • 6 Post By razzlebaby27
  • 6 Post By MammaWannaBe
  • 3 Post By WENDYLL22
  • 1 Post By marybeth76
  • 3 Post By swaddlestar
  • 3 Post By kbpeanut
  • 1 Post By d_tops
  • 2 Post By mamaginger
  • 3 Post By missadie222

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To January 2013 Playroom LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
March 14th, 2013, 11:03 PM
Veteran
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 386
We all have A-MAZE-ING babies, that is a given. But as a mom to a newborn I get weird vibes when I talk about my baby. If I say the great things about her I feel like others roll their eyes behind my back. It's like they want it to be bad -- like they want me to be unhappy and sleep deprived and covered in spit-up (and that definitely happens). But I guess the more frustrating thing about it is that then I don't want to open up about my struggles. I just want to say that everything is great and wonderful and flip them the bird, and not admit that yes, it can be hard. And maybe it's the whole "mommy bully" thing that I've heard about. And I'm not talking about my close friends - they wouldn't be close friends if they were like that. Its more the casual friends. The ones that are so quick to jump in with un-asked for advice, or the stories of how they made it work. I feel like I have to censor myself. That I don't really want to say anything about my baby or being a mom, good or bad.

So here's the answer I wish I could give to everyone who asks about being a mom or how it's going with the baby: It's incredible. I love watching her grow and she is teaching me things that I could've never dreamed of knowing. But I'm having a hard time figuring out who I am anymore. So much is being demanded of me by this little baby -- and then what is left of me, my husband is asking for. When given a choice, I don't know what I would choose anymore because I'm always thinking of how it's going to effect someone else, and so I make choices based on them. It goes so far beyond changing diapers or making dinner or smelling like spit-up. Being a mom is harder in so many different ways then I could've imagined. I love it. I chose it. There is no way that I would ever want to go back. But it's difficult. Change doesn't happen overnight. I love my little girl like there is no tomorrow. I don't care if she is sleeping through the night or wakes up 8 times. If she's lifting her head enough or cooing or rolling over. Don't ask me for 'stats' on her. You could never quantify the feeling of her cheek against mine as I burp her. Or how she falls asleep gripping one of my fingers with her whole hand. I feel a fierceness rise up within me when I hear the labeling 'good baby' because they don't cry, or 'bad baby' because they do. And maybe it's the same anger and annoyance knowing that I'm being labeled 'good mom' or 'bad mom' on just as arbitrary of scale. I guess it all boils down to this: Life as a mom is harder, but so much richer.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
March 15th, 2013, 06:51 AM
MammaWannaBe's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 3,601
I think what you're going through is a struggle that mom's all over can relate to. The unwanted advice, the feeling bad saying that your baby sleeps like a champ, but also feeling bad complaining about the hard days. You have those friends that are the "one uppers". but that is why they are casual friends. I think people also forget when they don't have young kids what it is really like and everyone thinks that they have the answers. I would just take everything you hear with a grain of salt.

I too find myself stumbling over the casual question of, "So how is it going? How do you like being a mom?" After a few awkward stops and starts, I end up mumbling something along the lines of. "it's going." Because that's really all I can say because how can you eloquently say that motherhood is this new state of being that is wonderful and sometimes horrifying at the same time? That you love your baby but mourn the loss of your previous non baby life? And quite frankly, I don't think many people are looking for a deep discussion when they ask that question. They are just making simple conversation.

Two essays that I have read since having my girl came to mind when I read this post and maybe you'll like them too and something will speak to you. I especially like the first that describes motherhood as a "gorgeous catastrophe." And I really think that's what it is.

Enjoy

http://www.blogher.com/i-became-mother-and-died-live

Couldn't find the link but here's the other one (sorry for the length!)

For all Mothers
(including soon to be Mothers)
MOTHERHOOD

We are sitting at lunch one day when my daughter casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family." "We're taking a survey," she says half-joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?"

"It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral.

"I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations."

But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my daughter, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes.

I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable.

I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without asking, "What if that had been MY child?" That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her.

That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.

I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of "Mum!" will cause her to drop a soufflé or her best crystal without a moments hesitation.

I feel that I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will think of her
baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right.

I want my daughter to know that every day decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonald's will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming
children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom.

However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother.

Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself.

That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give herself up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years, not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs.

I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor.

My daughter's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks.

I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child.

I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very unromantic.

I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving.

I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike.

I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time.

I want her to taste the joy that is so real it actually hurts.

My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. "You'll never regret it," I finally say. Then I reached across the table, squeezed my daughter's hand and offered a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings.

Please share this with a Mum that you know or all of your girlfriends who may someday be Mums. May you always have in your arms the one who is in your heart.

By Dale Hanson Bourke
'Chicken soup for the woman's soul'!
__________________



Thanks Lucy S. for my awesome siggy!
Reply With Quote
  #3  
March 15th, 2013, 06:51 AM
MammaWannaBe's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 3,601
I think what you're going through is a struggle that mom's all over can relate to. The unwanted advice, the feeling bad saying that your baby sleeps like a champ, but also feeling bad complaining about the hard days. You have those friends that are the "one uppers". but that is why they are casual friends. I think people also forget when they don't have young kids what it is really like and everyone thinks that they have the answers. I would just take everything you hear with a grain of salt.

I too find myself stumbling over the casual question of, "So how is it going? How do you like being a mom?" After a few awkward stops and starts, I end up mumbling something along the lines of. "it's going." Because that's really all I can say because how can you eloquently say that motherhood is this new state of being that is wonderful and sometimes horrifying at the same time? That you love your baby but mourn the loss of your previous non baby life? And quite frankly, I don't think many people are looking for a deep discussion when they ask that question. They are just making simple conversation.

Two essays that I have read since having my girl came to mind when I read this post and maybe you'll like them too and something will speak to you. I especially like the first that describes motherhood as a "gorgeous catastrophe." And I really think that's what it is.

Enjoy

http://www.blogher.com/i-became-mother-and-died-live

Couldn't find the link but here's the other one (sorry for the length!)

For all Mothers
(including soon to be Mothers)
MOTHERHOOD

We are sitting at lunch one day when my daughter casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family." "We're taking a survey," she says half-joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?"

"It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral.

"I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations."

But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my daughter, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes.

I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable.

I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without asking, "What if that had been MY child?" That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her.

That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.

I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of "Mum!" will cause her to drop a soufflé or her best crystal without a moments hesitation.

I feel that I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will think of her
baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right.

I want my daughter to know that every day decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonald's will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming
children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom.

However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother.

Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself.

That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give herself up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years, not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs.

I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor.

My daughter's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks.

I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child.

I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very unromantic.

I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving.

I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike.

I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time.

I want her to taste the joy that is so real it actually hurts.

My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. "You'll never regret it," I finally say. Then I reached across the table, squeezed my daughter's hand and offered a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings.

Please share this with a Mum that you know or all of your girlfriends who may someday be Mums. May you always have in your arms the one who is in your heart.

By Dale Hanson Bourke
'Chicken soup for the woman's soul'!

EEP it posted twice! Sorry girls!
__________________



Thanks Lucy S. for my awesome siggy!
Reply With Quote
  #4  
March 15th, 2013, 07:50 AM
WENDYLL22's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 2,806
I can definitely relate to this in that I currently have a friend who has a one month old little girl. She has always had a pretty easy go of things and is now finding motherhood to be a curve ball. Don't get me wrong it is....completely...but she often throws the complaints out like they weren't expected and I find myself just wanting to tell her to chill. Bringing a new life into the world and your family in a big thing and it can't be assumed that one person's experience will be anything like someone elses. Reading book after book and taking mommy prep classes doesn't give you any added advantage if you don't take the time to use the information and adjust to the needs of YOUR child. (that was a bit of a rant) I try so hard to give her good advice that has worked for me when she asks but I don't shove information in her face because I know how she takes it. This being my second child hasn't really put me in the mindset that I know anything really about what's going on. I take advice from anyone that is willing to give it and just know that it may not work. It's good to know that there are tons of other mothers, first-timers and seasoned that are still finding daily struggles and triumphs!!
__________________










Last edited by WENDYLL22; March 15th, 2013 at 07:52 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
March 15th, 2013, 11:55 AM
nursingmama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Mesa, AZ
Posts: 1,105
Those were great articles!!!!
__________________





Reply With Quote
  #6  
March 15th, 2013, 12:01 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 2,064
That second article totally made me cry. It's all so, so true.
MammaWannaBe likes this.
__________________



Reply With Quote
  #7  
March 15th, 2013, 12:29 PM
swaddlestar's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 786
Quote:
Originally Posted by razzlebaby27 View Post
We all have A-MAZE-ING babies, that is a given. But as a mom to a newborn I get weird vibes when I talk about my baby. If I say the great things about her I feel like others roll their eyes behind my back. It's like they want it to be bad -- like they want me to be unhappy and sleep deprived and covered in spit-up (and that definitely happens). But I guess the more frustrating thing about it is that then I don't want to open up about my struggles. I just want to say that everything is great and wonderful and flip them the bird, and not admit that yes, it can be hard. And maybe it's the whole "mommy bully" thing that I've heard about. And I'm not talking about my close friends - they wouldn't be close friends if they were like that. Its more the casual friends. The ones that are so quick to jump in with un-asked for advice, or the stories of how they made it work. I feel like I have to censor myself. That I don't really want to say anything about my baby or being a mom, good or bad.

So here's the answer I wish I could give to everyone who asks about being a mom or how it's going with the baby: It's incredible. I love watching her grow and she is teaching me things that I could've never dreamed of knowing. But I'm having a hard time figuring out who I am anymore. So much is being demanded of me by this little baby -- and then what is left of me, my husband is asking for. When given a choice, I don't know what I would choose anymore because I'm always thinking of how it's going to effect someone else, and so I make choices based on them. It goes so far beyond changing diapers or making dinner or smelling like spit-up. Being a mom is harder in so many different ways then I could've imagined. I love it. I chose it. There is no way that I would ever want to go back. But it's difficult. Change doesn't happen overnight. I love my little girl like there is no tomorrow. I don't care if she is sleeping through the night or wakes up 8 times. If she's lifting her head enough or cooing or rolling over. Don't ask me for 'stats' on her. You could never quantify the feeling of her cheek against mine as I burp her. Or how she falls asleep gripping one of my fingers with her whole hand. I feel a fierceness rise up within me when I hear the labeling 'good baby' because they don't cry, or 'bad baby' because they do. And maybe it's the same anger and annoyance knowing that I'm being labeled 'good mom' or 'bad mom' on just as arbitrary of scale. I guess it all boils down to this: Life as a mom is harder, but so much richer.
I read this at work at lunch but my phone wouldn't let me respond. I think you've put it perfectly. It has been hard going back to work and getting hit with those questions. They ask, "How is Eli doing?" and I smile and say that he's fat & happy! I struggle because I still have not let it sink in that I have a son. Just typing it sends a shiver thru me. So when I answer I never feel like my answer is enough to share how enamored with him I am. I can never fully tell them how much it excites me and terrifies me that he could become his father. I have the same hopes and fears for him that the rest of the mommies here have for their babies. I just hope that they don't just hear the short answers from my mouth; I hope they can see it written all over my face.
__________________


Reply With Quote
  #8  
March 15th, 2013, 01:33 PM
kbpeanut's Avatar Scooter!
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 12,174
I think this was a great post!

I don't hide the truth when people ask. I say that I'm tired, and overwhelmed at times, but that I wouldn't change anything for the world.
__________________



Thanks *Kiliki* for my amazingly perfect siggy!


05.24.2011



Our TTC Journey | View my pregnancy journals here or here
Reply With Quote
  #9  
March 19th, 2013, 11:12 AM
Dee
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,373
Quote:
Originally Posted by razzlebaby27 View Post
So here's the answer I wish I could give to everyone who asks about being a mom or how it's going with the baby: It's incredible. I love watching her grow and she is teaching me things that I could've never dreamed of knowing. But I'm having a hard time figuring out who I am anymore. So much is being demanded of me by this little baby -- and then what is left of me, my husband is asking for. When given a choice, I don't know what I would choose anymore because I'm always thinking of how it's going to effect someone else, and so I make choices based on them. It goes so far beyond changing diapers or making dinner or smelling like spit-up. Being a mom is harder in so many different ways then I could've imagined. I love it. I chose it. There is no way that I would ever want to go back. But it's difficult. Change doesn't happen overnight. I love my little girl like there is no tomorrow. I don't care if she is sleeping through the night or wakes up 8 times. If she's lifting her head enough or cooing or rolling over. Don't ask me for 'stats' on her. You could never quantify the feeling of her cheek against mine as I burp her. Or how she falls asleep gripping one of my fingers with her whole hand. I feel a fierceness rise up within me when I hear the labeling 'good baby' because they don't cry, or 'bad baby' because they do. And maybe it's the same anger and annoyance knowing that I'm being labeled 'good mom' or 'bad mom' on just as arbitrary of scale. I guess it all boils down to this: Life as a mom is harder, but so much richer.
Yes, yes, yes. All of this.

The good/bad baby thing gets me, too. When people ask how he is, I usually say J is a peaceful baby. He generally sleeps well, is flexible enough to be held by anybody, and is not too terribly difficult to calm when he's upset. But that doesn't make him "good," he doesn't know what good or bad behavior is, yet. It's just the nature of his personality. And my friends with nearly inconsolable babies don't have "bad" babies, they have challenging babies, sure, but they're not bad. This is a dichotomy that bothers me a lot.
razzlebaby27 likes this.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
March 20th, 2013, 05:23 AM
mamaginger's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 1,305
I absolutely LOATHE when someone asks if "she's a good baby." Do you really expect me to say my innocent, precious, helpless baby is BAD?!

Loved your post,,,,so true
MammaWannaBe and razzlebaby27 like this.
__________________
~ Ginger



For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb...I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made...My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together...Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139: 13-16

Reply With Quote
  #11  
March 20th, 2013, 06:42 PM
missadie222's Avatar Go Your Own Way mama2b
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Northern California
Posts: 424
Quote:
I don't hide the truth when people ask.
I am so with you Karin. I don't either. I tell them the total truth. It's so much harder than I expected it to be. I am such a different person in certain ways. I sit there with all my friends who DO NOT have kids and suddenly every thing they are saying no longer matters. I thought it was going to be great to live in a town where a lot of late 30 somethings and 40 somethings opt to NOT have kids, but I now realize I was mistaken. I don't want to hear about their blind dates or their new favorite beer or weighing one college against each other. I want them to ask about my baby and hold my baby and treat him like the tiny human that he is instead of ignoring him and passing us to go have a cigarette.

I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD TURN INTO THIS. Suddenly my old life- kapoof!- gone. Rearranged. I too am born, reborn, with the birth of my son.

At first I mourned the loss. Now I do not at all. This is the new way of life. THe way I CHOSE. This is newness, the unfamiliar, the learning curve that I have always loved. A challenge I am taking on with the best grace I can.

And yes, the good baby-bad baby/ baby stats comparison.... ugghhh! ANNOYING! As if I wasn't already insecure about every single thing that involves choices with my baby. I get scorned for supplementing, for using soy formula, that my baby is still too small.... etc etc etc.

The support on a board like this one is invaluable. Even though I only check in here and there it is so absolutely refreshing to hear voices I so totally can relate to.
__________________

Vyvian Utah Everson Spark born January 10, 2013

Reply With Quote
  #12  
March 20th, 2013, 07:07 PM
MammaWannaBe's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 3,601
^^ this. Perfectly said
__________________



Thanks Lucy S. for my awesome siggy!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:14 AM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0