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I figure I would start with what is really on my mind: tomorrow. What's tomorrow? Well Wednesday of course. But it will also mark the time span it took to lose my first pregnancy. I know this day shouldn't be so momentous. But for some reason I feel like if I pass this hurdle, I will breath easier (well at least a little).
So listen up sticky bean, I know you are only the size of a poppy seed, but you are my little glorious perfect 1mm poppy seed. In case you don't already know, but I'm sure you do from the number of times I already rub my belly, I'm already madly in love with you.
And I want to be more excited about you, I really do. And I am. But I am also afraid of getting hurt again. See before you, there was another poppy seed. And I loved that poppy seed as well. But before it could become anything but poppy, I lost the pregnancy. And that hit me like a ton of bricks. It took the breath out of me. I didn't think I could move on, but eventually I picked myself up, and moved forward with life because I knew my poppy was in Heaven and that God would send me another seed when the time was right.
So, we waited a few months and started to try again. More things fell into place for your daddy and me financially and emotionally, and we were ready. It seemed poetic that I found find out about you last Friday, a date that is special for my family. Even though I was testing at night, even though I hadn't waited enough time to POAS, I did anyway, because it felt right. And it was right. The two little pink lines announcing the start of your journey appeared right away. I immediately broke into tears. And yes they were tears of joy, but they were also tears of fear. Because I didn't want to lose another poppy seed. All I kept repeating was, "Don't let me go through another M/C. Don't let me lose another baby."
And I'm getting better at thinking positive, I'm already dreaming up names for you, what you'll look like, what your kicks will feel like, and how I can't wait to experience every moment with you. Because for 9 months I will be the only one who truly knows you, and I know it's selfish, but I will cherish that time forever. I just need you to stick and continue to grow from poppy to appleseed or whatever other crazy fruit metaphor I will label your growth with.
So, I'm feeling a little scared about tomorrow. It's bitter sweet, but every thing happens in God's time. I just pray that I don't have a repeat. There is no gaurentee, I could lose you at any time, but for some reason tomorrow just tugs at my heart strings.
Please stay sticky my little bean because if you think I love you know, just imagine what it will be like when you are born. I may have M/C'd in Jan, but now you are due in Jan, on my grandmother's birthday of all days.
Well bean we had a few scares (mostly mommie is a bit crazy but you'll come to learn that in Jan. But, we made it past that first hurdle and you are a certifiable embryo now! Today was just supposed to be a Beta draw, but since you've been making me pee like crazy, I had to do a urine sample, which lead to the realization that I had an infection, which lead to the possibility of a problem with the pregnancy (mommie was real scared at that point), which lead to a U/S to rule out any issue, which showed me...
You! You are only a little speck right now (hey what can you expect for 5 weeks old!?) but you are growing right along and, music to any mom's ears, you are perfectly normal. So, Betas will come back later today (feel good about those) and then by the end of May I should hear your heartbeat for the first time! You do your work and I'll do mine and we'll meet up again Mat 31st. Can't wait to hear your little beating heart for the first time!