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  #1  
July 7th, 2012, 01:28 PM
colette20's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I don't even know where to begin after this first trimester!!

A little background, in case anyone ever wants to actually read my ramblings...

I was diagnosed with endo at 15, no big deal since my mom has it, and had no trouble with conceiving. But at 19 I was diagnosed with PCOS, Dr's at that time told me it would be more difficult to conceive, but not impossible. At that time, I was with my ex-husband. We tried for years naturally with no success. At 22 we went down the clomid road, and still nothing. We divorced when at 25 due to his drinking, and at 26 I had a twisted cyst that had basically strangled my fallopian tube on the right side. They ended up having to remove it, as well as the ovary. They looked at the other side and were able to remove a twisted cyst from the left as well, but told me that with the damage, scar tissue, and trauma, that tube was basically useless. Even before the surgery I wasn't hopeful of conceiving on my own, and had made peace with adoption as my option.

So, imagine my surprise at 30, when I am staring at a BFP, scared, nervous, wanting to be happy... I felt a sigh of relief once I had an u/s and knew the pregnancy wasnt in my tube, and the baby had implanted high, and in the uterus.

Now, this brings me to the "situation"... I had been dating someone for 2 years. We lived together, but it wasnt working anymore. We split in March, and he was set to move out in june, when the lease was up... There was a man I was interested in, and had talked to a bit... After a night of cotton candy martinis (and I never drink, and they went down wwayyyyyy to easily) we apparently had a night together... (Even though I was technically single at the time, I didnt want to be doing anything until my ex had moved out, out of respect I guess...) and two weeks later, after a birthday celebration I had a night with the ex.

I have always been the "good girl", did everything right, respected everyone, and lived my life the way I was "supposed to"... So imagine my shock when I realize the baby I wasnt supposed to have is on the way, and because of a few martinis, I am not 100% on who the father of my baby is. My mother knows, and is supportive, but worries about what the family will say when the "good one" announces her Maury worthy dilemma....

So now, I am 14 weeks pregnant with an absolute miracle, and I haven't been able to enjoy it at all. I feel guilty and ashamed and disconnected. My life is a mess, as my Ex does nothing but guilt me, and judge me. He doesnt talk about the baby, or even allow me to have the framed u/s out without flipping it over. He is still here, with no where to go. The other man, wants to be involved so badly, no matter if its his or not, and has to stand on the sidelines.

I'm hoping to be able to push through this fog, and start being happier and connecting more and more with this baby.... S/he deserves it.
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  #2  
July 7th, 2012, 01:47 PM
colette20's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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After all that... let's move on to something a little happier

With my PCOS I often had a weird pattern of AF coming 7-9 late randomly, and on occasion 7-9 days earlier than expected (who doesnt love 2 periods a month?? ), so a missed period didn't seem like a missed period to me. I was late, but figured my pattern was once again playing games, and I would get it eventually.

I got sore boobs, but had light cramping, so I was soooo sure AF was coming. Everyday I would tell myself, "feel those cramps, she'll be showing up tomorrow!" and the next day would come and go... after 9 days of this, I figured I was having a big swing in patterns and began carrying tampons with me everywhere I went, not knowing when it would finally show... My ex was teasing me, saying "You're pregnant, you know that right?" and I would get upset, knowing I couldnt have kids, and ask him to stop, as it actually hurt me a lot to know that wasnt a possibility.

I started throwing up, and this only happened twice in 24 hours, I work for hospice, and am in and out of nursing homes and assisted livings all day, I figured I picked something up from one of my facilities.

Then friday rolled around, at this point my period is 13 days late. I started to wonder if I was stressing, and that was holding my period back, as that has happened to me once or twice before. The ex had been pestering me (still!!) that I was pregnant, so I decided I would pick up a test that night, take it, and when it was negative, he would be quiet and I would stop stressing and finally get AF to show up... But as I walked into the gas station for my friday coffee, the smell made me want to lose it right there.... THEN my brain started in: Maybe you ARE pregnant.... You hear about these miracle babies all the time, maybe you're lucky....

Work DRAGGED on that day, lol. I bought some tests, and had decided I would take them the next morning... then I had to pee.... so I thought, what the heck? Lets just do it, there are two tests anyway, take one tonight and one tomorrow....

Well, it only took about 10 seconds for that to show up, and I started yelling! The ex wasnt home, but my cats came rushing in, wondering what the fuss was about!!

I didnt know what to do. I felt like jumping out of my skin. That was NEVER suppposed to be me. I had long given up on having my home kids.. and there I was! I flew out the door, pee stick in hand... and found the ex to let him know...

I still have trouble believing I am actually pregnant... I think thats why I lurk a lot here, without getting too involved, I feel like I dont belong here! Every time I get a scan or hear the HB, I am in awe that there is an actual baby in there and I am on the road to motherhood... I have been conditioned over the past 10 years to think it would never happen... Im trying hard to shake myself form that and be more active here and at home too... baby steps, right?
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  #3  
July 7th, 2012, 02:06 PM
colette20's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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13 weeks!



14 weeks!

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  #4  
July 9th, 2012, 09:20 AM
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Hi! Welcome to journaling! I'm sorry you are in a difficult situation right now. I really hope you get the support you need from your family and friends...you will for sure have it here. A baby is a blessing, and I hope you can enjoy it! xx
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  #5  
July 9th, 2012, 09:33 AM
minalyn's Avatar MOMMY to Evan 1/7/13
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First of all WOW look at that belly! I'm 14 weeks too and wish I looked like you! I still get the "is she pregnant" looks. Sorry about the dilema but I agree with Karin, a baby is a blessing especially this baby! No matter which way it goes your baby has a mother that loves it more than anything. It's your little miracle! Good luck, you're in my thoughts.
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  #6  
July 9th, 2012, 11:14 AM
colette20's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thank you ladies... I appreciate it!

It's been difficult, but Im forging ahead. The ex doesnt want anything to do with baby talk, he doesnt want to be "connected" to the pregnancy...However, the other man wants to be there, wants to look at tiny shoes, and does not care if the baby is his or not, he wants to be there no matter what. I am living with two extremes...which is hard to balance.

Being more active here this week has helped sooo much. You ladies are great, so I give you a great big thank you!!!
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Last edited by colette20; July 9th, 2012 at 11:39 AM.
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  #7  
July 9th, 2012, 04:48 PM
missadie222's Avatar Go Your Own Way mama2b
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Wow. I began reading this and thought...."hmmmm? I wonder what all this writing is about... I wonder if this story is good....?" GEEZ I AM GLAD I CONTINUED READING. Seriously, Maury worthy. And you are LIVING it!! Craziness!

I have an instinct that some male instincts are going on here. After being with your ex for two years and NOT getting pregnant, I'd be pretty suspicious that this other man is the father of your baby. Instinctually, they may know the same. I mean, your blood is mingling with baby's blood and maybe pheromones are part of this father instinct? I hope that the hormones calm down for you and the situation lightens (when will your ex be totally out of the picture?)..... And then you may realize that this miracle baby is here for the most amazing reason. To prove miracles exist, chemistry between people is real ( and for a good reason), and you are gonna have a human being on your hands that is MOST DEFINITELY on planet earth for a good reason.

I would get as far away from the negative energy as possible (the ex) and be magnetic to the positive and cheerful energy. When can you get a paternity test? I think they can do one for 100$ if you send away online? Are you ready for that?

Also, after years of being sure you could never get pregnant I think you are so brave and graceful to handle it this way! To keep your miracle baby! To forge ahead despite the confusion and disbelief. I believe by the time this baby comes you will have fallen completely in love with it.

Best to you! I can't wait to hear how this situation unfolds.
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  #8  
July 9th, 2012, 06:07 PM
colette20's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by missadie222 View Post
Wow. I began reading this and thought...."hmmmm? I wonder what all this writing is about... I wonder if this story is good....?" GEEZ I AM GLAD I CONTINUED READING. Seriously, Maury worthy. And you are LIVING it!! Craziness!

I have an instinct that some male instincts are going on here. After being with your ex for two years and NOT getting pregnant, I'd be pretty suspicious that this other man is the father of your baby. Instinctually, they may know the same. I mean, your blood is mingling with baby's blood and maybe pheromones are part of this father instinct? I hope that the hormones calm down for you and the situation lightens (when will your ex be totally out of the picture?)..... And then you may realize that this miracle baby is here for the most amazing reason. To prove miracles exist, chemistry between people is real ( and for a good reason), and you are gonna have a human being on your hands that is MOST DEFINITELY on planet earth for a good reason.

I would get as far away from the negative energy as possible (the ex) and be magnetic to the positive and cheerful energy. When can you get a paternity test? I think they can do one for 100$ if you send away online? Are you ready for that?

Also, after years of being sure you could never get pregnant I think you are so brave and graceful to handle it this way! To keep your miracle baby! To forge ahead despite the confusion and disbelief. I believe by the time this baby comes you will have fallen completely in love with it.

Best to you! I can't wait to hear how this situation unfolds.
The ex now refuses to leave. I believe it's to be an actual physical wedge between me and the other man. He also no longer has a room at his parents to go to, as his sister and niece needed to move in urgently.

The other man (Ok Let's call him TOM instead of the other man...makes me feel crappy to call him that) however, has been in the process of buying a home for a bit. He would like me to be involved in the house hunting, and would like me to move in once he finds a house.

This is where I should add that the ex has been unemployed for a year and a half, and Ive paid rent and other bills for that time. (Big part of the reason he was on his way out the door.)

TOM, however, is a teacher, maintains his own place, and has dreams to do things, ya know, other than hold the couch down.

See why I was happy to move on with TOM? I though things were finally rolling into place...


We do want a paternity test, I'd love one now, but I cant justify the amnio. With a 1 in 300 miscarriage rate, I will NOT risk it. I waited my entire life for this baby, and I'm not risking it for anything or anyone. So once the baby comes, we will do the paternity test.
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  #9  
July 9th, 2012, 07:54 PM
missadie222's Avatar Go Your Own Way mama2b
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ughhh! Sounds like it's REALLY GOOD that you are calling this guy an "ex"! Now to get him out of your hair.... I guess you moving out might be the easiest way?

Oh I didn't know you had to get an amnio to do the paternity test. Yeah, NO FRICKING WAY. I also would never get one unless I had a really scary chromosome or birth defect reason or something to do so. And even then I would hesitate.

SO yeah, I guess waiting til the babe is here is the best way! I am so glad you met "Tom". Seems like he may be able to give you MORE than one of the things you've been wanting!
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  #10  
July 10th, 2012, 09:50 AM
colette20's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Yeah, Tom can provide the life Ive always wanted. Not that I ever wanted anything big. Back in school when they'd ask what you wanted to be, I always said a mom. (Had a teacher once tell me, in like 3rd grade, "No I mean a 'REAL' job." 8 year old me was offended.) I wanted Donna Reed's life. Stay at home with my kids, maintain the house, and be a partner in the family that way...Tom wants the same. He hates that Im even working now. I work with the elderly, assisting with baths, meds, and end of life care...its emotionally and physically taxing. Its been my hardest challenge thus far really.. Shaking off the sickness, soreness, and general blahs, to push on at work. I also travel all day, between different facilities. Getting in a hot car every two hours and driving has been kicking my butt.

I've been trying hard to ignore the fact that people around me now have this image of me as someone who doesn't know who the dad is. I have never overlapped relationships, and have never ever slept with two men in close proximity EVER in my life. I spent my entire life being good, and I feel like it was all for nothing, because now people think otherwise. Which is strange to me, I know Ive been good and did that for me, not anyone else. And up to this point Ive NEVER put stock into what others thought of me, I was always my own person, and didn't care what people thought, because I never judged others either.

Ok enough ranting for now Back to work I go
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  #11  
July 10th, 2012, 06:30 PM
Lyndsey2013's Avatar Mom to 2 + 3
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Hi Colette

It sounds like you have some hard months ahead! Something you probably already know is that sperm doesn't make a 'dad'. My cousin slept with a guy at party about 4 years ago and got pregnant. He was not someone she ever dated, and the baby's father didn't want anything to do with the child.

At some point along the way (I believe her baby was a few months old), she met another man. This man accepted both her and her baby as his own, and they dated for awhile before finally getting married. They just had a little girl together a few months ago.

The point of this story is that her first baby accepts her husband as his dad even though he didn't donate the sperm to make him. Whether or not you do paternity testing, it sounds like this new man in your life, Tom, is going to step up and be the dad.

I don't know how you can get away from your ex any sooner other than simply telling him if he doesn't go then you will. It doesn't sound like it will be an easy split at all which it totally unfortunate. Even if he does end up being the biological father, there's no absolute written anywhere that he has to be a part of your future.

Also, I am happy to hear Tom is going to the ultrasound with you. I definitely think your mom has over-stepped her bounds by asking to be present, whatever her true intentions may be. If it were me, I would tell my mom I would be comfortable with her in the room. It's your baby, as much as it may hurt her feelings to hear that you don't want her there, it's not really her position to be there in that capacity.

You have a lot on your shoulders, but it sounds like you are blessed with a wonderful man in your life to help you through it. I hope if you feel comfortable living with him that you are both able to find a house together soon. :goodluck:
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  #12  
July 10th, 2012, 07:26 PM
Dee
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I just got caught up on the complicated situation you mentioned in the thread about your mom in the u/s room.

First, I know we don't know each other, but I think you are good. Who you have sex with and when isn't the only thing that defines your goodness. The fact that you are already loving and protecting something you've wanted all your life, that, to me, shows how big and wonderful your heart must be. Don't let a few cotton candy martinis get you down, girl. You are good.

Also, I can see why your mom wants in on this experience as a way of showing her support for your "it's complicated" relationship dealio. You have a lot on your plate already, how stressful to add a mom situation to it! How does Tom relate to your mom? Have they had a chance to meet yet? He sounds like he could be a stand up guy, and that could go a long way with helping your mom give the two of you some space to figure this out.

It's so exciting that your dreams are growing true inside of you right now. I hope that things settle down with Mr. Wrong so you can get on to the peaceful life that awaits you ahead.
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  #13  
July 11th, 2012, 10:34 AM
colette20's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thanks for stopping by ladies!

My mom has met Tom, as she wants to know him, as he will be in my life no matter what the test says. They get along well, but Tom gets along with most people, as does my mom.

I've told the ex I am leaving probably sooner than later, and he needs to figure out where he's going. He seems to think I'm bluffing. But I did my job, I told him.

Tom and I are looking at a few houses sunday, a few look like very good prospects. One in particular looks great to me Its an old lady house, needs wallpaper to be taken down, and new carpet put in, and eventually a kitchen upgrade, but it has good bones, and is in a great neighborhood, with a good yard, and with good schools. An elderly lady had to go to assisted living and her children just want the house sold, so its way under market value. Im hoping Tom likes it, and we can put in an offer.

Im beyond ready to get out of here, and the thought of making an actual home, actually brings some light into the situation at the moment.
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  #14  
July 11th, 2012, 10:57 AM
colette20's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Surprise, She's pregnant!! - YouTube

My mom finding out!
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  #15  
July 12th, 2012, 08:51 AM
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I loved your reveal video...saw that yesterday on the main board. So adorable! I love her reaction! I wish we could have gotten my ILs reaction on video, though it wasn't as spectacular as that!
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  #16  
July 13th, 2012, 03:39 PM
colette20's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Had a visit with the gestational hematologist today, the 30 minute visit turned into an hour and a half! Everything went well. I need a whole bunch of additional tests at the university of minnesota.

I have a blood disorder that may or may not force me into a c-section, and it will need to be watched for my pregnancy. As of right now, everything looks good, and we are on track for normal delivery. However we have to watch the labor closely as no forceps or vacuum can be used should the baby get stuck.

My doctor may decide to just do a c-section to be safe, but that is something we need to discuss together. The risk of the baby having it is 50/50, so we have to decide what will work best for me and the baby. My sister has this disorder as well, but hers in a level worse than mine, so she needed her blood thickened and a planned c-section.

Im really hoping to avoid a c-section of at all possible. But we will see what develops.
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  #17  
July 15th, 2012, 03:15 PM
colette20's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I am so ready to be a single mom at times.

The ex is trying to be more pleasant, I think he's mom is pressuring him to give me a break.

Tom, however is feeling stressed. He says he needs me to be more verbal and assure him all the time of how I feel and blah blah.

I am not chatty, Im not a person who shares how they feel all the time, it makes me uncomfortable. I like to process my thoughts at my pace and voice things as I feel comfortable. He knows this... but thinks I "should try if I think the relationship is worth it".

I dont feel like changing who I am after 30 years to stroke his ego. Im just not that person, and don't see myself changing.

I feel so much stress (intentional or unintentional) from both sides, I could just give up some days. I convince myself I am more than capable of during this on my own, and can find out later who I need arrangements with for co-parenting.

I know that isnt a mature attitude to take, but I KNOW I can rely on myself, I know I am capable of doing it alone, I know I can. I just hate that I have to deal with two men who don't understand why I am stressed and upset all the time. Everything seems so much simpler to them.

And in the middle of this I am trying to grow a baby. The round ligament pain has been hard this week, sleeping is difficult, and work has been INSANE.

Im so hoping the next week goes better.

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  #18  
July 15th, 2012, 03:55 PM
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  #19  
July 16th, 2012, 04:39 PM
colette20's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thank you dear
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  #20  
July 16th, 2012, 05:01 PM
colette20's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I feel like I only come here to whine.

Well, as if I do not have enough stress with baby growing and baby daddies, now work has decided to stress me to no end.

We have a new boss. Our grass roots, faith based, "Not like the others" hospice, is changing into a corporate, policy regulated, rigid hospice. They are constantly changing policies, procedures and freaking out when we mess up (one procedure in particular has had 3 changes to it in 2 weeks).

We were called into a meeting early this morning, and told we had extra patients all week, and we now have to get up at 6:45am every day to call in and confirm our schedules. We need to go through 2 supervisors to get schedule changes.... in HOSPICE. Our patients change day by day, things change CONSTANTLY, and now I have 2 people standing in the way of a schedule change, that really doesnt hurt anyone.

I will be in overtime this week. I struggled last week with 7 less patients. I have NO idea how Im going to make it through this week in tact. I really dont.

I know they've been noticing my slowing down over the past few weeks, and while we work in healthcare, they should know this should be expected with pregnancy but I feel they see it as weakness and starting to think how non-functional Ill be down the road... I almost feel like they're pushing all this on me, and if I fail, that will be their excuse to can me.

I am growing to hate my job, I shouldnt say that, I love my actual job, I hate the people I work for and what they've become. I used to be one of those annoying people who actually like going to work.

Ugh. I am just so frustrated.

Silver lining - The ex did the dishes today. lol.
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