[jamie1005]

This is probably going to ramble on and not make much sense, so I understand if you don't make it to the end lol ...

Ok, I'm beginning to feel really guilty about my day to day life and I really want things to change. First off, I want to say that I absolutly love Hayden more than anything and when he's sleeping or not around, I miss him so much. I LOVE our time together when he's happy, smiling, playing and laughing with me. But sometimes, when he's awake, I find myself wanting him to go to sleep or counting the time until my mom gets home and there is NO REASON for me to do that. Hayden is a perfect baby ... he's always content to do whatever it is that I put him to doing whether its playing on his tummy or in one of his many toys... problem is, sometimes I feel like he's in them all the time! BUT when I don't use them, I feel like he isn't going to develop ... for instance, when we lived in the trailor for 2 months, there was no room for any of these toys or even a place to put him down on his tummy. Now, I feel like maybe he's behind on things b/c of this, so I try to put him on his tummy to play as much as possible. But its like a catch 22 b/c when I do this, I feel like I'm just trying to push him aside so I can do something I want to do like surf the net, check email or get some work done. I guess I shouldn't feel guilty about letting him play independantly and I'm making it sound like I never do anything with him, which isn't true. I talk to him and interact with him througout the day, but a lot of the time I forget to do things like practice sitting up or encouraging him to move around when he's on the floor. I don't read to him like I always fantasized doing when I was pregnant. Sometimes I find myself sitting there with him in front of me and I'll make a few faces, talk and play with him a few minutes and then I'm like ... OK, what now? Then when Wade gets home, I get sort of jealous that it seems to come so easily to him and he'll play with him forever.

I know I'm not a bad mommy. I love my son more than anything, but I think I take our time together for granted. When we're home alone all day, I'm usually so bored and I think that's why I can't wait for my mom to get home, but once she's home and she's spending time with Hayden I feel guilty and jealous and want him back.

I think what sparked all of this is Super Nanny that I watched tonight. There was this mom with 7 kids and she took her kids to the park, but she just sat there and watched them play. Super Nanny told her to go play with them, but she said, why? They have 2,000 worth of toys to play with and the Nanny said, they don't want material things, they want you. And she said "Well, its boring." Sometimes thats how I feel and I don't know why or how I could feel that way!! Maybe its b/c its the same thing day after day ... maybe I'm just not the SAHM type, but I wouldn't want to leave him either. I WANT to be home with him every day in theory, but I guess in reality, it doesn't make me that happy b/c I get bored.

I want so badly to be the kind of mom that will get down on the ground and play with their kids and I think all this just stems from my relatioship with my mom. I KNOW that she loves me and my sister, but she's always shown it by taking us shopping, doing things for our classroom and school, putting us in dance classes and letting us do cheerleading and dance team ... but I don't really remember her ever playing with us one on one. She was always kind of emotionally detached from us and I am TERRIFIED that I'm the same way. I already see so much of my mom's personality in me that it scares me ... ok, I'm starting to get kind of psychological here ... I think I really need to see a therapist. This is obviously some deeper issues I'm dealing with ...

SoOOOO sorry for taking up so much space with my ramblings and if you guys got to the end, then you really are wonderful! lol

[~Casey~]

Jamie, I'm glad you took the time to write that because I feel the EXACT same way at least once every day. I'm not sure I could have described it nearly as well as you just did. BIG OL HUGE HUGS FOR YOU! When I was home on maternity leave I was freaking out about having to go back to work, but on my first day back I knew it was a good thing. I work about 20 hours a week. I also feel guilty becasue I am home so often, but my house is still a mess and the laundry isn't ever caught up. Meanwhile my dh is working two jobs. Anyway, I hope that wasn't a threadjacking, but I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

[Madeline410]

Oh Jamie I TOTALLY understand!! Sometimes I want to be on the computer of watch a tv show.. and I wish Mason would just go to sleep for an hour or so... I know it sounds horrible but it's not. Think about it, Hayden has only been in your life for 5+ months. That's not very long considering how many years you had before he came. Before this, you could go online for however long you wanted, and watch the shows you want, read when you want to read.. etc. Now you have to meet HIS needs first, no matter what.

I think if you lay Hayden down or put him in his Bumbo for a little bit so you can get on the computer, that is just fine!! Babies need to play alone sometimes. Don't feel guilty. It is really hard to talk baby talk all day. You are definately not alone. (((((HUGS)))))

[crystalclear]

I'm right there with you, too, sometimes. (((HUGS))) I worry that I'm not spending enough 'teaching' time with Madeleine. What if my selfish needs cause her to fall behind others in the learning scale...what if my lack of helping her spend some tummy time causes her to crawl later than she should... etc, etc. I'm not reading to her as much as I thought I'd be doing either. I'm actually thinking of putting together a list of things I want to accomplish with her each day. Not necessarily a schedule in that I'm not going to put down a certain time I have to do it, just a list I can check off so that I know I've done what I wanted to do. Read a book, 10 minutes of tummy time, sing the ABCs 5 times, etc. Normally if I have something written down on paper I'm more likely to accomplish it. That's just my personality. I'm not sure if it would work for you or not. But I just wanted to let you know you're definitely not alone.

[Frelle]

It IS boring when its just you and your baby. And it's also draining when its JUST YOU and your baby ALL DAY.

You are normal. You are okay. You are feeling like many first time moms feel. *HUG*

I felt like you when I had my first. She was latched on nursing most of the day. I became addicted to the internet because of how frequent and long her feedings were!

Baby will develop fine if you hold baby 95% of the time. Baby will develop fine if she doesnt get tummy time some days. She will not be slow to walk or crawl because you didn't work with her.

Remember, development is not ALL nature or ALL nurture. Some things baby will do because they are moving through that stage in development. That's nature. Some things baby will do because you have worked with her, like baby sign language. That's a little more nurture. But say you started baby sign at 6 months. Maybe your baby would pick it upa t 8 months, maybe your next baby would pick it up at 11 months. That's a little bit nature and a little bit nurture. Development of the skill took longer with the second baby even though you did the same things you did with your first who picked it up faster.

And speaking as a mom who rarely gets to POOP by herself, let alone shower or surf the net, I getcha on "I wish this child would go to sleep so I could have some me time and not feel guilty about doin g what I want while baby is awake!".

The amount of time I spend with my other two kids plus what I spend on housework and stuff, Felicity has to just be bored and hang out a lot. I dont get one on one time with her except late at night when the other two are in bed, really. There are no "cmon baby, you can roll, roll to the bunn!" or flashcard times, or watching a baby video to teach her familiarity with foreign languages when she is in the verbal development period, or rarely even reading just to baby.

And just because you have all day to do it doesnt necessarily mean you need to do it or need to feel guilty becaue you havent.

If you want to make a list of things you want to accomplish with baby each day, go ahead. If you want to make out a routine to include them, go ahead. But if you want to just live life with baby, that's fine too.

You will have less and less me time to feel encroached upon by baby, and you will feel less guilty about taking mommy time as it becomes more and more of a hot commodity.

[*Danielle*]

It IS boring when its just you and your baby. And it's also draining when its JUST YOU and your baby ALL DAY.

You are normal. You are okay. You are feeling like many first time moms feel. *HUG*

I felt like you when I had my first. She was latched on nursing most of the day. I became addicted to the internet because of how frequent and long her feedings were!

Baby will develop fine if you hold baby 95% of the time. Baby will develop fine if she doesnt get tummy time some days. She will not be slow to walk or crawl because you didn't work with her.

Remember, development is not ALL nature or ALL nurture. Some things baby will do because they are moving through that stage in development. That's nature. Some things baby will do because you have worked with her, like baby sign language. That's a little more nurture. But say you started baby sign at 6 months. Maybe your baby would pick it upa t 8 months, maybe your next baby would pick it up at 11 months. That's a little bit nature and a little bit nurture. Development of the skill took longer with the second baby even though you did the same things you did with your first who picked it up faster.

And speaking as a mom who rarely gets to POOP by herself, let alone shower or surf the net, I getcha on "I wish this child would go to sleep so I could have some me time and not feel guilty about doin g what I want while baby is awake!".

The amount of time I spend with my other two kids plus what I spend on housework and stuff, Felicity has to just be bored and hang out a lot. I dont get one on one time with her except late at night when the other two are in bed, really. There are no "cmon baby, you can roll, roll to the bunn!" or flashcard times, or watching a baby video to teach her familiarity with foreign languages when she is in the verbal development period, or rarely even reading just to baby.

And just because you have all day to do it doesnt necessarily mean you need to do it or need to feel guilty becaue you havent.

If you want to make a list of things you want to accomplish with baby each day, go ahead. If you want to make out a routine to include them, go ahead. But if you want to just live life with baby, that's fine too.

You will have less and less me time to feel encroached upon by baby, and you will feel less guilty about taking mommy time as it becomes more and more of a hot commodity.[/b]

Well said

[AmyT]

You know I think every mother feels that way sometimes. I have a slightly different version than you do. I keep 2 sometimes 3 other children and I wonder how much more time I could be spending with just him if I didn't keep other kids. But then again...he likes playing with them. I don't feel as guilty about putting him down, because he is playing with other kids and getting social skills at a very young age. I also let him have his alone time (I put the older 2 in the playroom and let him be in his nursery playing by himself) because I think that helps him to know that someone doesn't have to be there ALL the time. I too think I would like to read more to him...we have a bookshelf of books just waiting for him to get interested. I think I might try the list thing too. Maybe a weekly list, saying these are the things I would like to do with him and the other children each week. I do try to recite nursery rhymes to them, and we talk about colors all the time, and I repeat words like mama, dada, doggie, byebye, cup, etc. all the time to help with their verbal skills. Haven't started alphabet yet...but that is a good one to put on my list. The kids love to be sung to, so we do a lot of that. And just on the floor playing. They all still nap really well, so that is the time when I get most of my online time/cleaning in. Don't beat yourself up over this...I think everyone feels that way sometimes.

[jamie1005]

You guys don't know how much better you made me feel. This morning, I woke up wanting to delete this post b/c I felt bad for putting it all in writing, but I'm so glad I'm not alone. Sometimes I have these periods where I can't sleep b/c I lie awake at night thinking about things that are wrong in my life and one thing leads to the next and before I know it, its morning with no sleep. Last night, Hayden woke up to eat about an hour after I fell asleep and Wade asked why I was awake. He knew something was wrong, so he kept pressing until I told him. He made me feel a lot better and also suggested "To Do" lists. He's always on me do make them and even bought me a planner for Xmas that I never use. I'm going to start using it, though, b/c usually when I see things in writing it makes me feel better.

Thanks again for all the support and advice. I realized last night just how much you guys mean to me. There really was no other place for me to go with these concerns b/c none of my other friends have children. Well, thanks again and good luck to all of you who feel the same way! We need to make sure to vent these things so we don't go crazy! lol

Ok, I'm off to hug Hayden

[Shalini]

Jamie, I can't tell you how much relief I felt after reading ur post .. I quit my job after Krish to be a SAHM .. it was all fine while my inlaws were here because Krish got to spend time with everyone ..since they left, DH has been extra-busy at work and it's just me and Krish at home all alone .. I'm trying to do something from home and everytime I leave Krish for a few minutes in his swing or bouncer, I feel this guilt .. I do spend time with him but not all day and I feel this will make him a slow developer ... Also somedays I get so frustrated and I wonder if I made the right decision to stay at home .. I love Krish and love my time with him , but there are days when I get so tired and fed up I can't wait for DH to get home .. It felt so good to read this and realize that I'm not the only one...

[glasscandie]

I feel that way sometimes too, don't worry. Especially after a long day of syringe stuff into her, or taking care of her skin, or when she just won't take a darn NAP, sometimes I just *need* to put her down and take a break - go online, get a cup of tea, whatever. And then I'll peek in on her while she's watching TV or something and I just want to pick her up b/c I feel guilty...but then I feel guilty to myself, almost, for not giving myself time. I know I can't be the best mother that I can be unless I have time for myself, too. And when I think about having a day where I don't "stimulate" her enough...I think about all of our ancestors, who maybe carried their baby on their back while they worked, or whatever, and their kids turned out fine. A lot of kids learn a lot of stuff from just observing.

[Corey]

i feel exactly the same way. Emma seems to be a high need baby, and wants attention for most of the day. it gets frustrating when i'm trying to clean the kitchen or something or just wanting to get on the computer once in a while and i hear her whining cause she's bored. i play with her and hold her for most of the day, plus try to give attetion to my 3 year old (although, i guiltily admit, the tv is her babysitter!) i miss being able to get on the computer when ever i want, or even take a nap whenver i want. but i wouldn't trade my kids in for anything! i love them more than anything else in this worl. i think its normal for us moms to get overwhelmed and bored at times. no one said being a mommy was easy!!

[txmommy2be]

I agree also. I've felt guilty since the day she was born. I felt like I wasn't in the NICU enough hours everyday, even though I exhausted myself. While on maternity leave I wished for a break here and there and decided it would be better to go back to work, I felt guilty about making this decision, what kind of mother would leave her baby to go to work??? (My mom watches Bella at home for me) And now that I work I feel guilty about wanting to take a nap when I get home instead of playing with her. I just try and convince myself that I'm a good mom and I can't be an awake energetic person 24 hourse a day. It's nice though to see we're all in this together!

[Traocean]

I too am thankful that you wrote that. Because I feel the same way as a lot of you do too and like you had no one to tell. The list sounds like a good idea and I think I am going to start it now. It's just hard because I am the only person that I know here that doesn't work and so during the day there is absolutely no chance to meet anyone. So I am definitely here alone and it is hard. But glad that I am not the only one in the world.

[Lisa N]

I have days like that too. I feel like I'm always trying to put up this front that everything is awesome at home, my house is perfect, Brandon's an angel and I'm the best mom ever. It's all not true. We have bad days, especially lately. He's getting more and more attached to me and sometimes just wants to be held all day. I try putting him in his swing or exersaucer just to have some *alone* time...seems like I can only get it in the shower but then the whole time I'm listening to see if I can hear him cry. You can't cook holding a baby or clean a bathroom so I usually have to wait until DH gets home so he can watch him and I can clean or cook...sometimes it feels like a vacation to do chores. I work twice a week so I have guilt about that too. I hate that my mom watches him, I mean, I love that he's not in daycare but I wish I was with him everyday. He's not sleeping through the night everynight and it's taking it's toll on me. All I can think about right now is going home and laying down with him. So, you are not alone. I have a lot of friends that have babies but I can't (or don't want to rather) talk to them about this stuff. I'm so thankful for you girls.

[Laney21]

I feel the same way, everyday. And if I'm not worrying that he's not getting enough stimulation/teaching or whatever, then I'm busy worrying that Haley is not getting the attention that she needs because so much of my day is focused on him.
And then I feel guilty again because I sooooo look forward to the end of the day when they are both asleep and I can finally relax and take time for myself. I never do any housework at night when they are in bed, because I don't want to take time away from my "me" time. But instead I take time away from them to get it done during the day, and that's not right, but that's what happens.

[tattooedjess]

for everyone.

I think we all have these feelings sometimes. I feel guilty a lot too, but I know that I need ME time. Sometimes I feel like I won't know how to talk to other adults. Or if I do, I just want to talk about Evie all the time and I know they won't like it. (Sound familiar Maddie? hehe)

My mom worked ALL of the time when I was a kid and her way of making it up to me was to buy me whatever I wanted and I became spoiled and unappreciative. But, now I see that how hard she worked so I could have those things. I want my time with Evie to be special. I want her to grow up a better person than I was and am, and I want her to appreciate everything in life. I have to work on myself to help her be the best person she can be... but sometimes it hard when those feelings of guilt creep in and I just want to give her everything and not have her want for anything. You are right, it is a catch 22, but we just have to learn how to deal with the situation. HA! Easier said than done.

[Kelly]

OMG Jaime, I couldn't have written your post better myself! I always feel like that. Sometimes I want him to take like a 3 hour nap so i have time to clean AND relax. My house is a disaster right now. Davey is finally sleeping but I'm online, DH doesn't understand. When he is napping, sometimes I NEED that time for myself. Not to clean, or do laundry, but to go online or watch TV.

I feel so relieved that other people feel that way. Sometimes I count the minutes until DH gets home and can take Davey. I put him in his saucer and let him watch baby einstein while I go online. And unless I'm not home, I basically do everything for Davey unless I ask DH. (he just doesn't think to do things for him when I'm home unless it's playing).

I love him more than anything, but the whole picture of motherhood while we were pregnant was not all true.

I think once he's a toddler, I'll be more on the floor playing with him. So will DH.

I also look around and see that I have so many THINGS to put him in. Then I feel like a bad mother for having so many toys/seats for him instead of entertaining him myself and "teaching" him things.

Sorry if I hijacked the thread, but you put it into words so much better than I could have.



PS - I agree Lisa, about it sometimes feeling like vacation doing chores.

davey has also been very needy lately.