[MommieinNC]

Ok... So I am curious... do you feel the way you were raised will affect the way you parent your own children?

I personally lived with my mom and whatever "boy toy" she had for the time up until I was 7ish. At age 7, my dad (who had just been released from prison) gained custody of me with his new Canadian mail order bride... At 11 I was placed in a sfree will baptist childrens home because my dads wifey moved back to Canada, my grandmother on his side couldn't help raise me anymore, and he could't do it on his own. At age 13, I was kicked out of the childrens home for admitting to being raped and having a doctors exam prove the fact to be true (the CH didn't want the publicity of it)... so I was sent by my dad to live with his FIRST wife and her new husband... Later that year, my mom gained custody of me... and a month later, I was placed into foster care because my mom deemed me "interferring" with her personal and social life... So up until age 15/16 I was bounced around from foster home to foster home (not to mention the times I ran away from abusive foster homes)... Sent back to my dad, sent back to foster care... etc. At 16, I became emancipated (legally free) and was able to go out and live on my own, and have been doing so ever since.

I think being raised the way I was (with no stability) has taught me the importance of stability in a childs life. I BARELY graduated high school, and only did so at 16 thanks to homeschooling that was paid for by a foster parent who actually did care for me. It also taught me that it's very important that when I have a child to be careful of whom I allow around my child and whom I allow to influence my child. It's also taught me to listen to my child if they say something is going on, and not accuse them of lying... Children rarely lie about important things... It taught me not to hit my child, because in doing so, it teaches the child that its either okay to be hit/beat by those stronger than you, or it teaches the child that it's ok to hit/beat upon others weaker than you... or last... it causes the child to resent you and hate you... thus never speaking to you again... (haven't spoken to my father since i was 16).... It's also taught me that no matter what, always to make time for your child, and NOTHING (especially a boyfriend) is more important... You should treasure the time you have with them... because they grow up... and then they move away... sometimes so far away you never see them but once every year or so.

What about you? What did growing up teach you, and if you are comfy, would you share how your home life was?

[SavaAngel]

Okay, this is going to be interesting.....

I was raised by a single mother, my grandmother, and my sister (closest in age - only one that lived with us when I was younger). My father wanted me aborted and my mother told him **** NO! My mother worked nights and slept days. When I started school, I would be waiting for the bus before she even got home. Needless to say, I barely ever saw her. I wasn't able to be taken to school by my mother like every other kid in the district on my first day of each year. If I got sick at school, my mom couldn't come get me because she was sleeping.

When I was 9, I was molested by my cousin. I told my Aunt and grandmother and he got into some trouble and they told me not to tell my mom. I never did, still haven't.......and will never be the same person again.

I agree with Cari, I will always trust my child with the bigs things they tell me because if it is that big, they will not lie.

My MIL was a SAHM and even volunteered at the school and was in the PTA for both Liesa (SIL) and Tony (DH). My FIL worked for IBM for most of DH's childhood and was a big part of the space program with NASA (his fingerprints are on the moon)! I think Tony and Liesa had great childhoods. Their parents did everything they could for them they could (even when DH feel through a glass fishtank - very interesting story). They are great people, and wouldn't be where I am today (or the person I am) without them. I want to raise my kids more like they raise Tony and Liesa, but there will always be things that we change.


We, as people, almost always say "Oh I won't raise my children like I was raised" and our children will one day, most likely say the same about our parenting styles. It is the way we are.

If we can afford it, I want to be a SAHM because I want to be there for my kids if they need me (unlike my mother was). I have considered going to work part-time after my youngest is in school, but I would like to work for the school district or some other place that understands if I need to leave early or can't come in because of a sick child (or do volunteer stuff like MIL). I will probably do a lot of WAHM stuff, like I am now that we have our online Bricklink store open.

[KRsMom]

Wow, God Bless you both!

I was raised by my mom and my dad, they are still together and we live across the street from them. They were wonderful! My dad had polio when he was a child and so he has always walked with a cane/crutch but spends most of his time in a wheelchair now. Due to this, I am very aware of the struggles the handicap go through and am very aware to offer my help to strangers. I hope my kids will learn this as well.

My husband was also raised by both of his parents. He has 4 brothers and one sister. His mom had cancer when he was 12, so he grew up really fast, she is still living along with his dad.

We were both raised in the church and are both Christians. I hope my children will choose Jesus for themselves as well.

I feel very lucky, the world is a horrible place and I did have my issues in my teen years but my parents always stuck by me.

Heidi

[chelseamb]

I learned from my mom by opposites... i see how she raise my brothers and they have run of ythe house... my son doesnt. he listens to me really well.. and he is very good.. i feel really blessed..

im hoping i can still be a good mom to two... i took all my values from how i was raised. she did a GREAT job with me, just my brothers she relaxed a bit..

[GinaOfAllTrades]

I had a decent childhood. I grew up a military brat until I was 11, my dad was in the NAVY, so he wasn't around much when I was younger. He got was forced out for medical reasons. I am the youngest of 4 kids, by 7 years so the majority of the time it was like being an only child. My mother did not work but yet she didn't really do any of the motherly things most kids moms would do. She walked me to school on occassion but the majority of the time I went alone with my best friend. She was one of those moms who her life surrounded soap operas. She made me do my homework but never got involved in any school ativities (PTA and such). She never asked how my day was and would rarely have a snack ready when I got home. When my dad got out of the military he was working all the time and my mom still stayed home. We would eat dinner together and on Sundays would go for Sunday drives, that stopped when I was around 13. After that I pretty much kept to myself. I was not allowed to date until I was 16 (which if I have a girl neither will she). My mom is really old fashioned (she was 35 when she had me) so she believed that the boy should call the girl, must come to the door to pickup a girl ALWAYS, and had it in her head that all guys want from a girl is sex.

Because of this, I have learned that it is important to participate in your childs education. Ask how their day went to keep the lines of communication open and let them know you care about what happens in their lives. It is important to eat dinner together as often as possible, and to keep your children top priority over anything.

Because of how my mom was, I am very resentful toward her and try to be the exact opposite of how she was with us. I have decided (well it is etched in my head) that I do not want there to be that big of an age gap with me and my children so I will have all the kids I will have before the age of 30.

[ShortiMom]

I was raised by a single mom too. Fact is I never met my father because he split from my mom when she was pregnant with me. I don't feel bad about that because you really don't miss someone you never met. My mom was young like me when she became a mom (we were both 16) and even tho my gram and my aunts helped a lot my mom was my mom and she pretty much dedicated her whole life to me. My mom was pretty strict, but she never hit me or did anything mean or spiteful. I don't remember her even having a BF til I was about 14, and he's been sort of like a father for me. But then she's a 9-1-1 dispatcher for the fire deptartment and it's like I was the mascot the whole fire department and so has Reesi ever since before she was born. My mom has been totally great for me and she's been really supportive and helpful ever since I first found out I was pregnant with Reesi.

Since Reesi came she's given me a lot of advice and help, but she's made it clear Reesi was my baby and not hers and she's my responsibility. I really try to be like my mom, and I just hope some day Reesi will be able to say the same thing about me.

[Isaeph]

My parents got married when my mom was 4 months pregnant with me...dh and I got married when I was 4 months pregnant with Trupie. Strange!

My mom came from a fatherless house. She had two older brothers, a twin brother, a younger brother, and a younger sister. Her dad left when she was 6 and already had a kid with another woman I think. He also raped her daughter and had my uncle Tim, who molested me when I was 3 and he was 13. He had one more son with her also...who's actually pretty cool. My dad grew up with two parents, but they weren't in love. I don't think I've ever heard my granny say anything nice about my dad's dad (her second husband, her first died in a car crash when their son was 4 months old). I know my parents love each other, but they fight every darn day, seriously! Its been a long 23 years! And they used to fight and scream at each other...my dad would punch walls (he's put a whole in the wall of every house we lived in)...right in front of my little brother and I (2 years younger than me). If we tried to leave, they'd get upset and scream at us. Not fun. Trupe and I made a promise not to ever yell at each other, especially in front of our kids. We never have...almost 5 years. My parents were really strict with me...I HAD to get straight A's (I ended up with a 3.9 gpa overall), and if I got less than an A- they would get upset...meanwhile my brilliant little brother (too smart for his own good) would barely eek out a D and they'd buy him a $60 video game. I had to buy my own shampoo, clothes, shoes, pay for AP tests, etc. My little brother was SPOILED! Trupe and I are going to try really hard to be consistent with our kids and not reward their bad behavior. I also learned through my little brother that some boys do not to do well in public school...this thought was reinforced by "Bringing Up Boys" by Dr. James Dobson. We're going to homeschool our kids fulltime until at least 6th grade, and then reevalute and if they want to go to school (not sure if it will be public or Christian yet) for fun stuff like drama, band, dance, sports, etc, then we'll let them. I was also raised pretty much without religion. My parents believed in God, maybe in Jesus, but no one really took the time to explain that to my brother and I (who is an athiest and hates all Christians now) growing up. Our kids will grow up in church and know all that we can teach them about Jesus. We want them to know that we aren't perfect and that we will fail them sometimes...but Jesus won't. We want them to have that constant comfort. Thats really the most important change for us. If we accomplish nothing else, we want them to love Jesus from an early age and never let go.
I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16...but I didn't really date until I was 18, so it wasn't a big deal. After talking to a friend, we're going to read up on courtship (in like 10 years) and see what we think of that. I don't want our kids going on one on one dates when they are 16...too much temptation. Group dates will probably be ok. But we'll see. Thats a long ways off.
Thats all I can think of for now.

[RachelC]

Cari, I am so sorry you had to go through that growing up. Nobody deserves to have a childhood like that.

As for mine, it was pretty standard. My mom and dad were together until I was 18. I was an only child. Never rich, never poor. Always kind of in between. We moved a lot, so I changed schools a lot. That was hard on me, but I see my problems weren't anywhere close to what others were. My mom is bi-polar and a recovering alcoholic. She's been in AA since I was 5 or 6, so I don't remember if she was ever an out of control drunk. My dad says she never was that bad. My dad cheated on my mom when I was in 6th grade. I'll never forget that. My mom "forgave" him and they managed together until I moved out. Never seemed quite the same after that though. My mom and I never got along that great. She always was a control freak and very intimidating. She was rude to all of my friends and embarassed me all the time. My dad was the loveable, teddy bear. I always went to him for everything. They were super leniant with me though, I was never once grounded or punished as a teen and pretty much was allowed to do whatever I wanted (within semi-reason). I was a rebel and if my parents knew 1/2 the stuff I was doing, they would probably of put a stop to my antics a lot sooner.

My biggest fear is becoming my mother. I love her dearly and our relationship is a ton better now that I have a daughter. She loves her to death. But, I don't want to raise my kids the way she did me.

[Mod-Lady Valkyrie]

Hugs and admiration for all those of you who had rough childhoods, have been open enough to share them here, and strong enough to come through it and use what happened to make yourself a better person and a better parent.

I was lucky. My mum and dad still love each other although their relationship has changed, having been through many ups and downs throughout the years. They both came from big families and had just one girl (me) and one boy and left it at that, figuring we would get the attention we needed and there would be enough money to go around. My mum was a SAHM until we were both at high school, and even then she only took part-time jobs and that was because by then, my dad couldn't work. She spent so much time with us and loved every moment and I don't remember ever not feeling loved, valued, listened to or enjoyed. She did all kinds of stuff with us, walks, art, making things, playing, taking us out for the day. My dad worked every day but was loving and caring. When I was 9 he had a stroke and it left him unable to work and suffering from paranoia. All of a sudden we didn't have much money because my mum had never worked...it wasn't pleasant being a teenager with no money for new clothes and stuff, not that it was terrible because people have been through much, much worse...but I used to get picked on for looking scruffy, wearing old clothes, etc, etc and it would have broken my heart to tell my mum when she had enough to deal with and couldn't do anything about it, so I ended up getting bullied eventually throughout most of high school. Dad has not been the same since I was 9 years old although he is still very caring when he is well. My mum is one of my best friends and these days, I can tell her anything, and it's one of the best things in my life. They always taught me to do what I wanted to do and form my own beliefs as well, which I think was really important. They taught me to think for myself.

There are so many things I want to do as a mother just like my mum did. I want to do all those fun things with my children that my mum did, and spend time playing, laughing, reading, talking together so they know that they are loved. I definitely want my children to make their own mind up about what they want to do, even as early on as what clubs to join, what musical instrument to play (one thing I will never forget is that I always wanted to learn guitar and my parents made me learn flute and recorder so I could be in the school orchestra - I ended up learning guitar anyway but much later when it was harder!), what subjects to take at school, as well as what to do in later life. I will teach them that there is nothing more important than loving life and loving each other and finding ways to express that love. And I will always listen to them, but I will also always look out for other signs that there is something wrong, in case there is something they feel they can't tell me.

We chose to buy a largish 3-bedroomed house in a nice area because it's closer to countryside and a nicer place we thought to bring up kids. This means that with mortgage and cost of living commitments, I will not be able to be a SAHM. But at least if we are both working, if one of us has to stop work it won't be quite so impactful. And after the baby's born I will probably look for a new job closer to home, with a shorter working day (I work at a private school at the moment and the day is longer), just being a plain class teacher with no extra responsibilities so that I can spend as much time as possible with my children. And we are both open to the idea that if I am still unhappy with that, I could look for a part-time job or a job I can just 'leave at work' with no out-of-hours work...we would have less income, but thanks to my mum I have learned that money is not as important as quality time and love, so I know we would be o.k.

[1stepmom]

I had a good childhood and I hope I can offer the same to my child. My parents were 16(mom) and 18 (dad) when they got married (after knowing each other about 3 months). And they are still together 38 years later. They didn't have their 1st child until my mom was 20 ,and then had 3 more over the next 10 years. My mom was a SAHM and my dad worked swing shift at the steel mill. He worked over time whenever he could but yet he always made time for us. We were blue collar-at best. Our vacations were not fancy but we loved every minute of it. We would go camping usually. In the summer my mom took us to the beach just about everyday that the sun was shining. I have 2 older sister and we are each about 2 1/2 years apart...I love that. My sisters are my best friends. My parents showed us that marriage is work. They had their ups and downs, I remember seeing them argue but I don't resent that because it was real. And they worked it through and they are stronger because of it. My DH and I have been together for 7 years (married almost 3) but I am glad we have waited until this time to have a child because we have grown so much, together. I remember DH and I had a bad fight and he told me to leave, I called my dad and told him I was coming over. Dad and I talked awhile and he said "you are always welcome here, but I would suggest you grab a pillow and a blanket, go sleep on the couch and see how you feel in the morning". It made sense to me because we (DH and I) had both been speaking out of anger.
Don't get me wrong I messed up ALOT in my teens...more than most. But those were my mistakes and my parents did the best they could to show me the right way. I know I broke their hearts more times than I can count....but they were always there to show me how to get back on track....I just didn't REALLY get it until I was about 22 y/o.
Oh I do have a younger brother too, he's 24, I love him too