[erika182]

So very tired today!

I went to my classroom and dropped off the supplies I bought. Went by the di8strict ofice to drop off posters to be lamenated and the kids at summer school were at recess. Some of my former students ran to the fence to say hi. And in true kid fashion, very bluntly told me how big I am.

After that I hit the mall. I was determined to find something cute to wear to the baby shower....no such luck.

I don't want to wear a dress or skirt, and a lot of the shirts just looked like tents, or were too small. I guess I'm at an inbetween preggers stage. I did get a couple of pairs of denim capris and a pair of black shorts though. I felt kind of silly buying them, because there is only a little over a month left of he pregnancy, but I am wearing the same denim capris today that I've worn the last two days! So I feel justified in my actions. Plus, hopefully we will have more kids, so I can wear them again. Denim doesn't go out of style. I also got a blue version of the green and white stripped top my mom bought me. They look like maternity versions of polo shirts, but no colar. Maybe one of them matches one of my husbands green or blue polos. Then we can be one of those annoying couples that are all matchy matchy.

After that I went to the Spectrum to try Macy's and Nordstroms. I exchanged some overly boy looking baby clothes we got and picked out something more girly for baby KAMI. But as much as I always see all these cute shirts in the stores ( and everything is babydoll hem line now so preggers can were regular people clothes) today when I actually was looking and had time alone to try thins on I couldn't find anything. Nordtroms was a bust! The price tags alone left me fleeing the store.

When I got home I ate lunch and didn't feel like doing anything else. I have stuff to do, but there is always tomorrow. I have the whole day to myself (husband's last day of summer school) and I can always do stuff then.

Sooooooo, I think I'm going to take a nap

[erika182]

Long day today. Went to an Angel game. Husband wanted to get there early for batting practice, so we got there at 10:30 for a 12:30 game. It was probably about 90 degrees today. I put on sunscreen, but it was so hot!

We sat in the shade as long as we could. Luckily my friend's sister works at one of the exclusive restaurants and we met some friends there. So, that got us out of the sun. We relaxed in the shade and watched the game from the outdoor restaurant.

After awhile though some of the people wanted to go down to the seats for some front row action. I tried to tell them we should wait longer, it is really HOT! But, they didn't want to listen and we left the shade and headed down.
IT WAS SO HOT!!! I put on more sunscreen, but I was sweating a storm, so was everyone else. People were dumping water bottles over their heads.

We were winning, but then it got tied up! I was getting worried, because I didn't have it in me to stay in the sun for extra innings. Luckily we scored a run and the game was over. When we got home I took a nice cool shower.

She is moving a lot tonight. She is all over the place! I feel like I have no blatter control tonight. I leave the bathroom, she moves, and I feel like I need to pee again!

Husband has been messing with the new hamster cage he bought all night. He is very disappointed and then got made when he already broke a piece.

Ughhh, I can't stop itching and scratching! My skin feels horrible. I want to scratch it all off!

I forgot to mention this, but it has been going on for the last week or so.....my nipples are leaking a little bit. Nothing major, but I'll take off my bra and notice a little crusty marks on the inside wear my nipples are. I think just a little clear fluid is coming out during the day. I took out some of my bras from the hamper and sure enough, they all have these marks......boy, pregnancy is weird!

[erika182]

Seriously.....can I just step out of my skin!?!? I had to cut my nails short because I am scratching so much I don't want to hurt myself. I got up in the middle of the night last night and sat on the couch for 20 minutes just scratching. I know a lot of it has to do with my sunburned legs healing, but my belly wasn't in the sun and it itches like crazy!!!

Washed more baby things today. Husband thinks I am funny, because I want to set up the room with the paper furniture, since the real furniture is backordered and won't be here in time for the shower this Saturday. This is what I am refering to by paper furniture:

The furniture we are getting is way too big for the little room the baby is going to be in, but we wanted furniture that would transition into a house eventually, so we got it anyway. So, to get an idea of how it would all fit, or should I say cram in, he made flat paper cut outs at work that are the dimensions of the furniture so we could lay them out on the ground and move them around the room to see how they fit.

Well, we have the crib in there right now, and the glider and ottomen, but I also kept the changing table and dresser paper cut outs on the floor where they are going to be and put things on them. Like, the paper changing table has the changing pad with cover on it sitting on top of it. The paper dresser has the lamp, frame, and ceramics sitting on it. I set up the hamper and put out the rug too. I think it gives a better idea of what the room will look like when it is all done, rather than just having the open space. The walls are very white, but we can't do anything about that right now.

Better get going.....I have a lot more scratching to do.
Plus, have some errands to run before the breasting feeding class tonight.

[erika182]

Baby Shower today.....in 2 hours! I had to leave the Clubhouse and head back to our apartment after husband's parents arrived. I just couldn't stomach watching my mom and his mom trying to work together. It is enough to make me feel like crying or sick to my stomach. I feel a little of both right now as I sit here and wonder what is going on over at the Clubhouse. I just have to let go and show up and have fun.

I hope we can get someone to take pictures. I wnt a lot, but I also don't want husband trapped behind a camera all day.

Well, I better figure out what I am goig to wear. Very limited choices with peeling/flacky legs. I'll write more later o say how it all went.

[erika182]

The baby shower was wonderful!!!

I was very tired afterwards, long day:
I was up at 8 to go get the clubhouse unlocked and check out how it was left. My mom showed up right as I was geading home, so I helped her unload her car.
Then, I walked back to the apartment and husband was ready to head over with supplies. Soooo, back we went. Then, when I was done and ready to go home and shower and get dressed, his parens showed up in 2 seperate cars filled with supplies, so stayed and helped them unload their car. Finally though, as mentioned earlier, I had to leave. It was just too much for me.
So I went home and got dressed and relaxed a little. The shower was for 12, and hubby came home around 11:00 from helping and hopped in the shower to get ready. I wanted to head over a half hour earlier because my friend Robert was coming then to start getting the BBQ ready.
When we headed over everything looked great! The decorations and food, everything was wonderful!
People started to arrive, but no Robert? Finally he got there, but was acting funny. Sure enough, he and his wife had a fight and she was waiting in the car and he apologized and said he had to go. I was sad, but I knew he needed to go. Luckily it being cooed we had a lot of other people to help BBQ.

The day was a blur! So many people, so much talking, so much baby talk, and so much family! People got really competetive with the games. My family is very loud! Half way through the shower I had a sore throat. There ended up being 40 plus people there.

We got so many gifts! The people my husband and I used to work with all chipped in together and got us our stroller/car seat/ travel system...and put it all together and wheeled it in. That was awesome!
We got a lot of diapers, invarious sizes, and baby KAMI will have to change clothes 5 times a day to wear all the cute outfits she got. Baby girl is spoiled!

Some family member came back to the apartment to see the room. They gave me some ideas about how to make the furniture fit, so that was nice. Sometimes you just need another set of eyes to view a situation.

Everyone had a great time, and our moms got great parting gifts for everyone: decorated cookies, candy stick, chocolate cigars, magnets, and great gift certificates for the winners of the games and raffles. I don't even want to know how much they spent putting this whole shower together. And that isn't even counting the great gifts they got us! We are truly blessed.

In the end I crashed on the couch. I realized that I hadn't eaten very well, but I haven't been lately. So husband went out and brought home take out Super Mex. I was in bed by 9:30, that is early for me.

[erika182]

Today went to visit grandma in the old home, to tell her about the shower and bring her the 4'D ultra sound tvideo to look at. She loved it. She felt the baby move and my mom and I told her all about the day.

After that I came home and looked through the gifts with hubby to pull out the ones with gift receipts so we can return them. Even though the clothes are cute, if we got a receipt we just have to return it. Little girl just has too much clothes. Plus, even if they give us a store credit, between that and the gift cards we are hoping to have enough to get our breast pump and boppy.

Still didn't eat great today. It is weird, I get really hungry, but I don't want to eat anything. In the morning I can eat, but dinner time I'm hungry, but I don't want to eat. But I know I need to! I've been eatting less these last couple of days as to when I wasn't pregnant. And then, I was usually watching what I ate and ate 1200 to 1400 calories a day.

Today I've had a couple of dry Eggos, a nectarine, and a chicken casadilla. Oh, and about 10 M&Ms.
Plus, tonight is the first night that I am craving really weird things, like:
Lucky Charms w/ banana
PB&J
PB&Lucky Charms
PB&Tuna, or any combination of the above items

Of course husband doesn't want any of those for dinner.
Well, I think I'll go with PB&banana.

Night

[erika182]

We returned/exchanged things today. Another long day! We think we have enough gift cards and credits at Babies R' Us to get the breast pump later. Along with other nursing supplies, like breast pads.

We went to South Coast Plaza to exchange some clothes his aunt got us at Baby Gap. We loved all of it, but we wanted it in bigger sizes. While I was there I got measured for a nursing bra, and we bought one. Ugly! But fairly comfortable. We also went to Mimi Maternity while we were there, to look at their bras and clothes. (Since I need to get on with making my hospital bag.) Their bras were cheaper than the Gap, but the quality was bad. I bought two pairs of nursing PJs. Which are basically like regular Pjs, but you can pop your boob out easily. Learn something new everyday! I didn't like any of the nursing shirts. I'll just lift my shirt up and cover up with a blanket or something.

So, I can put the bra and PJs in my hospital bag. Oh, one of the PJs came with a matching onesie for the baby, so we can match...too cute! I'll probably go to Target and get travel sizes of some of the regular things I use everyday.

Tomorrow I think I'll be home all day. I'll do more baby laundry, all the clothes that are newborn or 0-3months. I will also work on the thank you cards. From 1 to 5 we need to be home anyway to wait for the call on the changing table being delivered. It will be a good chance to elevate those feet, and maybe go to the pool in the morning...with sunscreen on! And get some exercise.

Wednesday we have nothing planned. But then Thursday and Friday we have Kaiser classes, and a doctors appointment on Friday.

Well, going to go rest and watch the Angel game.

[erika182]

Well, still haven't gotten my Lucky Charms! But I have been having a lot of cravings lately, and they are harder to ignore and I feel myself getting upset if I don't get them.

Been very busy! Got some of the Thanks Yous done, but not addressed, hopefully I'll have them finished later this week. We got the baby furniture, so I've been hard at work setting up and putting everything away. I love the room! It is cute!

Had another doctor appointment. She said everything is good and we set up the appointments for the rest of the pregnancy. She never tells me, so this time I asked, and she told me that I have gained 23 pounds so far. I was pleased! I think that is pretty good for 8 and a half months along.

My wrists have been killing me! I need to get wrist guards to sleep in.

We had two classes this week: Baby Care Basics and our first Lamaze class. Two nights in a row was rough. We have that this week too. But then it is just Lamaze after that. I like the practice back rubs that you get while there. Husband is thrilled that she gave the husbands homework to give us two more before the next class. My homework is to try to have clear pee every time I go and do exercises where I pee, stop, pee, stop, pee, stop. I've done my homework, husband hasn't.

Going to a BBQ at my aunt's house today. I'm going to be brave and let the family see me in my preggo bathing suit. I don't care, being in a pool feels soooooo good!

Oh, it took like 45 minutes to get my wedding rings off the other night. When I finally got them off my skin looked pretty bad. Husband said that I can't wear them any more. So, we went to Tiffany's and got this pretty silver band for me to wear. I call it my preggo band. Husband was so sweet and willing to spend more, but I told him I just wanted a simple band. It is my anniversary present. It is our two year tomorrow.

Gotta go

[erika182]

Had a great time at my aunt's house swimming on Sunday. Got to know my cousin's boyfriend a little better. I ate way too much and swam many laps in the pool.

Monday was our 2 year anniversary! Unfortunately I was feeling pretty crappy. So we didn't do much. We were supposed to go out for a nice dinner, but I thought that would be a waste of money because I felt ill. My sleep patterns, or should I say lack there of really caught up with me. I was like a cranky child. So I took a nap. I actually felt better later that night, and to my husband's surprise we had anniversary sex!

On Tuesday I called for a redo of the anniversary. But, husband was in the mood to go work in my classroom.....so we did. Hey, if he was in the mood we do it! Especially since he would be doing most of the work. He set up all 35 of my student desks, moved big cabinets, and reset up my computer and fridge.

Wednesday we had our redo. We walked around the Spectrum, caught a movie and then went to dinner at the Cheese Cake Factory; my favorite!

I haven't been feeling great lately. I'm really ready to have the baby. I feel like I've been pregnant forever! Because of the fibroids her movement make me ill or it hurts. I told hubby that we already have a little terror on our hands. I love her so much! I want to meet her already.

Today we got up and went to two sites that were having Angel players there to meet and sign autographs. At the first place we had to wait about an hour or so in the sun. The second place went really fast. But, after that when we got home I didn't feel like doing anything. And we have chores that need to be done. The sheets need to be changed! Husband keeps reminding me. But, I don't see him rushing off to do them, so when it gets bad enough maybe he'll initiate it if I keep not feeling like not doing it. Doesn't matter to me, I sleep in 2 hour intervals, on top of the comforter. I do however need to go to Target to get supplies to finish my hospital bag and the groceries are getting low.

I did finish all the thank you cards from the shower though . That took a long time. I had to hunt down some of the addresses. In the end I think I wrote close to 50 thanks yous.

Well, don't really want to go, but we have a baby care class tonight and lamaze tomorrow. I really don't mind it, but 3 hours sitting in a chair is a long time.

[erika182]

I am so tired! Every time I think about coming on and adding to my journal I just run outof time, or it s too late at night.

Husband and I have been staying up too late. Then, since I am up all night, which means he is too, we sleep in real late. I have been feeling pretty bad lately. I am an uncomfortable, itcy, emotional, tired mess! My skin is still so itchy! I am up all night scratching, no matter what I do nothing works.

I cried three times the other day.
Once: At the grocery store because husband put things on the counter different than I like.
Two: Because a little ater dinner I was still hungry and got a snack and husbad's eyes go big, so I cried and said he was calling me fat (when he wasn't)
Three: In bed because I can't turn of my mind at night and I kpt thinking something was going to go wrong with delivery with me or the baby. I made he husband promise he would take good care of her if anything happened to me. I jus couldn't calm myself down, I seriously was like hysterical.

I am just so worried lately about every little hing and moement she does, or doesn't do. I have this weird girggle sound when I bend over. Like there is too much air in there and the fluids areall floating around.

Well, doctors appointment tomorrow, so I can ask questions. But I think the Lamaze classes are freaing me out. Sometimes I think ignorance is bliss.

Husband is at meetings today so I have the place to myself to get things done.....but all I want to do is go bck to bed. I fel so useless! At the same time I now I have done a lot around here.

Oh well, I'm giving in, back to bed I go!

[erika182]

Well, had quite the doctors visit today!

Went in for the regular visit. You know, the usual measurement, heartbeat, questions, bye. They said I needed to do the step B, which we knew was coming, so we went with it.

But, during the question time I told her about the horrible itching I've been having, thinking she would say what everyone else says, "Drink water and use lotion." But, she said I might have this pregnancy condition called cholestasis. Which could mean I have a liver problem which means the baby could be dying. Yeah, I'm not joking, she said "dying." I thought I heard her wrong, but no, I heard right. Of course I began to cry!

She explained that she was going to send me for some blood tests and to the NST to monitor the baby. If the test comes back with elevated liver levels she said from my description that she would be pretty sure I have this, due to the horrible itching. The other tests take 2 weeks to find out. And she thinks that is too long to wait. So, we would go take the tests and she would call us back. If it is elevated then in the next week I would have an amnio to check the baby's lungs and then deliver. I was really freaking out (still am a little!)

So we went to the hospital and did the blood and fetal monitoring, with ultra sound to check fluid levels. They said the heart rate and fluids were good. I need to go again this Friday to monitor the baby again. Husband had a good point, as scary as it is, at least we have insurance and medical attention that pays attention to these things.

We left and tried to do normal things we needed to, get my car smog checked and we ate lunch. During lunch the doctor called and said that the blood came back with elevated liver and she really can't see how I don't have this cholestasis. So we will meet with her on Monday at our regular visit to discuss amnio, delivery, and inducing.

I am exhausted! Quite a morning. We decided we wouldn't say anything to our parents until after our doctor visit on Monday.

I think I am going to go work in my classroom the next couple of days to take my mind off everything. Plus, now I won't be there later on.
I hopefully will be home with my healthy baby girl.

[erika182]

So, had another dr. appointment today. Well, the full results came in and I definately have cholestasis of pregnancy. We've already been to NST (Non Stress Testing) 2 times and everything was fine both times. Even so, I don't feel her moving as much and that scares me.
Anyway, here we go: amnio tomorrow at 8am (petrified!) if the lungs are fully developed we will be inducing later this week. Not C-section, but they will try still to do natural first. Oh, and I was step B positive too. If the lungs aren't fully developed we will still monitor the baby and induce next week.
I scared about the C-section. Will I be able to go about things like normal after, or will ir put me completely out of comission? Will it make me go into labor? I knd of just want to have a C-section and take the baby out to make sure she doesn't get any more damage to her from this cholestasis. But, I know the doctor is still shooting for natural and so is husband.
I went into work today again to get some more things done. I tried, but everyone kept coming to talk to me and my heart just wasn't in it. I left the class fairly ready, but posters are on the floor under the cabinets I was going to hang them on before I lost the drive and went home.
I am just an emmointion al mess! And I worried I will cry before or during the amnio and mess it up. I just keep telling myself I need to stay calm. But easier sadi than done.
So, no eatting after midnight tonight. I can deal with that. But no water either! Wow, that is going to be hard to do.
Well, going to go try to relax.

[erika182]

Had the amnio today. Wow, very different then what I thought......

We got there at a little before 8 and they checked us in. Had me get naked (I knew they would, but I still felt a little shy about it). Changed into the gown. Hooked me up to the belly monitors and then informed they were going to give me an IV. I was scared because I don't do well with needles and I've never had one before. It went alright. Not the best, but I handled it. They monitored me for a very long time, like almost 2 hours! They said I was having too many contractions and had me move to different positions to try to calm things down. I thought the baby was just pushing on my fibroids, but I guess some of the pressure was contractions.

When husband saw it was taking long he texted our parents to let them know, so they wouldn't worry. Well, about 20 to 30 minutes after that we were informed that my mom was there. That of course got me emotional and was part of the reason I didn't want her there. Husband went out and talked to her and then let her come say high real fast and sent her off to the waiting room.

The doctor came in to do an ultra sound and find the fluid poket that was biggest to do the test. She found it and then sent me off to go pee. When I came back and layed down husband noticed that my tummy was moving all over the place. Sure enough, baby KAMI was now in the spot that the doctor wanted, so she bagan her search again. The doctor and nurse started laughing because everyplace she pushed or found fluid KAMI moved there. Seriously, for like 5 to 10 minutes the doctor and KAMI played this game. This helped lighten things up and relax me for the next step....the needle!

The doctor was very good and explained everything. She said that the local neelde was going to hurt and sting, IT DID! Then she said the amnio needle would feel like a lot of pressure and everyone feels differently about it. I don't like to look so I turned away, squeezed my eyes shut, grabbed onto the pillow, and gritted my teeth. It hurt a little going through the skin, but then.....oh the pressure and pain was intense, and it lingers and get deeper, and stays while they collect the fluid. Finally they pulled the needle out, which surprisingly hurt just as much?! Put a little band aid on and it was back to being hooked up and monitored for the next hour or so.

The doctor said it was normal to feel cramps after, which I did. It felt like I had my period. Real bad cramps! But a little while in I felt extreme pressure on my biggest fibroid and it stayed like that for a couple of minutes. I began to cry. Husband looked at the chart, which he had been monitoring, and sure enough a huge contraction that was off the chart. Finally it went away and I relaxed a little.

I went through 2 and half bags of fluid during my stay there, so I needed to pee again. Husband was wonderful and helped get me up and lead me over. He made sure my butt wasn't being flashed around at everyone.

When I got back from the restroom I sat for awhile and then they released me. Walking was very painful for the first hour or so. Plus, from all the fluid, I was peeing every 10 minutes!

Husband set me up at home and went out to get food (since i hadn't drink or ate since 11 the night before and it was now heading toward noon).

After lunch we both took a nap. The doctor called, the one who did the amnio, and said the results right now are heading toward not fully develpoed lungs, but they are just the preliminaries and inconclusive. They sent them out to a lab and we will have to wait to hear back tomorrow. We go to NST tomorrow at 11.

I'm a little on edge tonight. I get scared when I don't feel her moving. I wish I had a heart beat monitor in my house, that would make me feel better. I just have to put faith in the doctors that even with this cholestasis, if it was really that bad they would have already taken her out.

So, still in limbo on later this week, or next week. I'm trying to be positive that they will come back with good news tomorrow. I really want her to come out sooner rather than later if the womb envionment is hazardous to her.

Husband is great! He started laundry, did the recycling, cleaned the hamster's cage, and probably would have done the dishes if I didn't beat him to it.

I know I'm crazy, but I think I'm going to really push my luck with him and try to get him to go to my class tomorrow and help do the finishing touches. But if we do I know I'll have to promise to turn in my key and not go back again until long after the baby is born. I think I'm ready for that! I have lost my ankles and they don't seem to come back in the morning after a night off them like they used to.

Night

[erika182]

Classroom is done! And I have no substitute to cover my leave.

While I was setting up yesterday I decided to make a poster for he dooor that had both our names on it. SO I called the office to confirm how to spell her name and whether she is a Miss, Ms, or Mrs, and was informed that she dropped out of taking the position. Sooooo the district is back to square one trying to find someone to cover. I don't know what they are going to do. Another girl has her baby in Oct, another in Jan, and I think there is one in March! They need to find substitutes fast!

Oh well, there is nothing I an do. The room is all set up, supplies have been passed out, posters up, and notes everywhere for whoever is the sub. I can't do any planning, because the sub needs to work with the other teachers to coordinate schedules. Plus, we are changing all the school schedules this year. We not only have three new curriculum programs, but a preschool, 2 more kinder classes, kinder is switching to all day instead of half, three new teachers, redoing the playground and the cafeteria (which I saw are no where near done), new recess and lunch times. I left last year's planner, but I don't know how much help it really will be. While at home I can type up further management and classroom structure rules and then email them to the sub, when they get one.

Meanwhile, all day yesterday while we are doing this we are waiting to hear from the doctor about the further testing on the baby's lubg development. At NST in the morning we told the nurse about the situation and she snuck and found out for us that they are at a 1.8 and need to be 2.0 to be developed. We were crushed, but also wondering why our doctor hadn't called us about it. We found out she wasn't working until 1. Well, at about 2 or so we still hadn't heard from her and I was getting really pissed off. We finished in my classroom and decided we were just going to drive over to her office to talk to her.

We were one light away whn she called me on my cell. She basically told us everything that the nurse already had and said since we were so close to just come in and talk in person. She said it is recommended to do induction one week after amnio, that her lungs should really be at the 2.0 by then (of course no guarentees), but with the cholestasis they like to ake the baby out in the 37 week latest, so what choice do we really have. She said she talked to parenatology and this was the best plan of attach.

Sooooo Tuesday at 8am I'n being induced!!!! I am filled with such strange feelings: scared, happy, worried, realived, and excited. The doctor game me a physical to get readt for Tuesday and I', maybe 1cm dilated if that. She the the induction is going to be very slow. They are going to put some balloon thing in my cervix to help get it open and give me just a tad of petocin. She then said it could 4 to 8 hours after that t get me dilated to 3 to 6 that's it? Then they will give me more petocin and hopefully I will begin to dilate faster. She said I might not have the baby until late Wednesday. WOW!
My main concern, besides the baby's health and mine, and pain, is the laying flat in the bed for such a long time. I was dying on Tuesday in the 3 to 4 hours I had to lay there to have the amnio. I think I will be more vocal and ask if it is possible to do the IV, baby monitoring, inducing and all that, but still have the bed in a sitting incline position. I know the doctor said I can't walk around the hospital, but she said I could go to the bathroom and walk a little around the room. I mean Lamaze taugh me that laying flat slows down the process, and it is uncomfortable!

I'm not good with pain, so I'm going to try to be positive and use this time to do enjoyable things until the real pain begins (even thought the doctor did say that the balloon thing is pretty uncomfortable, but you get used to it). I want to play cards with my husband, read Harry Potter, work on writing songs to sing to the baby, relax, listen to music, and probably sleep.

Anyway, the whole process is the unknown. And I won't know what will happen untl Tuesday roles around. Today I cleaned the house, of course. Laundry, bathrooms, kitchen, but husband said to leave the vacuum and mopping for him so I did. I think I'm going to go treat myself and get a pedicure in a little while.

Tomorrow we have the second to last Lamaza class, but it will be our last. It is supposed to be on c-section, so husband thought it would be important to attend, even though I had a little melt down at the last Lamaze class. He said he would support my decision if I didn't want to go, which I don't, but I'm going to suck it up and attend. I really think sometimes ignorance is bliss, but I guess I should understand the process a little better, since with such a dry inducing, starting at only 1cm, I have a 75% or greater chance of having a c-section. Again, this should be interesting.

I hope all you mommies out there that have/had normal pregnancies and regular natural births enjoy them. One more month of pregnancy and a healthy natural birth is sounding pretty nice right about now. But I know god has a plan for everything, so I have to have faith that this plan he has for us is what is best.

Uhh, getting emotional, gotta go.

[erika182]

HUsband and I ditched Lamaze class on Friday . We realized, what good could really come of it. We've seen them on TV, and it isn't like I'm going to be performing the thing myself, so how much more do I need to know. PLus, the classes have made me really edgy. We decided instead to go out for a nice dinner.

Unfortunately during dinner I started to not feel so great. And I haven't really felt better since. I feel crampy and my stomach feels really tight. The baby is moving less and of course that is really freaking me out becuase she is normally a maniac.

Tried to be a trooper and went with husband on Saturday and got autographs of Chone Figgins and Robb Quinlann of the Angels, but after that I was toast. My feet were so swollen and hot we filled a tub with cool water and ice and I soaked them for awhile. Later we went to the movies and dinner with my mom.

Today was not my best. We got up and did chores around the house, but then I started feeling really bad. I felt/feel like I did after the amnio, like someone has had a boxing match with my stomach. I'm also having trouble breathing and get a shooting pain on my left side when I breathe in too deep. I took it easy the rest of the day. But unfortunately all my focus kept going to the fact that she wasn't moving very much if it all. I kept getting very emotional. We tried soda, oushing, ice, light, sugar, and finally got a couple faint pushes. Still, not enough to really put me at ease. So, I did kick count all day pretty much. I ended up getting them, but it was hard. I guess when your baby has been a can can dancer for so long, and then she barely kicks or pushes, it is understandable to freak a little.
I just feel like it is a catch 22. I know how things have been, but I don't really have any of the true sign that should make us call L&D. But, at the same time I feel like if anything, god forbid, is wrong, I'll blame myself for not going with my gut.

I just will feel better tomorrow when we go to NST at 2:30. I wish the appointment was earlier. I ate so much sugar and caffeine today to get her to move, I know I'm going to want to start the day tomorrow with OJ and donuts to get her going. Husband is dropping me off and then going to class. My mom is supposed to meet me there to keep me compant for the 30 minute observation, and then she'll drive me home. Husband doesn't want me to be alone at all any more. I think that is sweet, but it also makes me think he thinks there is something to worry about too.....and that worries me more!

Yes, I know I am mental!

[erika182]

Well, as hard as this is to do I am going to try to go back and document the events that have occurred over the last ten days. Some will be cut and pasted from emails I've sent, and some will be from a letter my husband wrote to a friend. Either way, in the end we have a beautiful baby girl, and all the pain passes when I look at her little face.

At the end of this I will add the most current news and updates.
Here I go:

(I'm kind of a mess right now. Delivery was hard, and baby has complications. She wasn't breathing, she had seizures, and we just found she has 3 spots on her brain showing she had three strokes. She is in the NICU. I am very swollen and beat up, not to mention an emotional mess. Husband is keeping a close eye on me, but I need to be off my feet and he isn't allowing me to do much. Next week I hope to feel better and as painful as it was/is I will journal the whole thing. Thank you for your thoughts. She appears to get a little better each day. She was born 8/29/07 @2:04pm, 7lbs. 2oz, 21inches long, big baby for little me. I love her so much!!!)

(The doctors are talking to us, but at the same time they aren't saying much in the sense of answering the questions that I have. Again, most of my questions there are no answers at this time.

I want to know when she can come home, and what this means for her future. And they can't answer that, it is day by day.

She will have delays. They need to get her seizure medicine regulated so she is stable, and not completely out of it at the same time. We need her to feed from a bottle. But, they know it is best for her to be with us at home. So, it is an option, if everything else is stablized, to send her home with a feeding tube in her stomach. Not what I want, but I do want her at home. She has some muscle issues that are related to the brain trama. So they might put some splints on her hands and there are some exercises we can do to work with her.

It is just hard, because when we get there and want to work with her muscles she is sleeping, and we're not supposed to disturb her, but there are such short times she is awake to work on these things.

It feels strange to have other people tell you what you can and can't do with your own child.

The whole situation is surreal.

She did better today and woke up by herself right before her scheduled feeding time. She had her eyes opened the most I have ever seen today. She does have a tendency to roll them up and not focus on what is in front of her, but it is getting better. I worked with her on the pacifier while she ate threw the tube in her nose. She doesn't get it and wants to bite it with her gums.

Plus, right around feeding time they give her her medicine, so I was sad because I knew she was going to be out of it and asleep really soon. But, even with a full stomach she really tried to fight it and stay awake. They gave her another EEG to check on seizure activity and they'll compare it to the one she had earlier on. She had a very busy day today.

Husband is back to work so he is going to the 7am and I get there for the 10 and stay for the 1pm where husband tries to get there too. There is just sooooo much time at night when we are home without her. Night time is the hard time. Even though a normal baby at home sleeps a lot, they are there and you know they are there and you can go look at them and watch them sleep and know you are right there if they wake up. It is hard at home wondering what is going on with her. Is she sleeping, awake, or what. But it isn't healthy to camp out there in the NICU.)

(She didn't take a bottle, we really need to work with her. I try to think of the positive, but it is hard when you miss your baby so much and she is not at home with you.

We try to make at least 3 of her feedings a day, but it is hard. Her Seizure medicine is pretty strong, so when we are there she is sleeppy most the time.

All I want is to hear my baby cry and have her open her eyes and take a bottle. I hope god hears my prayers.)

Letter Husband Wrote:

It has been a long couple of days. Erika went in to be induced at 11:00 a.m. on Tuesday August 28th, and did not give birth until 2:04 p.m. on August 29th. She pushed off and on for 4 hours. When she gave birth the doctor had to unwrap the umbilical cord from the baby’s neck twice. In addition, one of the baby’s hands was delivered at the same time as the head. The doctor said this is what caused the long pushing stage. Once the whole baby was delivered, the doctor placed the baby on Erika’s belly. The doctor and the nurses shook the baby several times while the baby was on Erika’s belly (to get the baby to take her first breath). The baby did not respond. The baby was taken away within seconds of being placed on Erika’s belly. Within a couple more seconds we had 10 to 15 different medical staff working on our daughter. After that it becomes a blur.
Our daughter left the delivery room for the NICU about 10 minutes later when she was stable for transport. The NICU doctor told us that she wasn’t able to breathe on her own and they were assisting her with that, and she was going to be moved over to NICU. About an hour later I was able to see my daughter in NICU. Once again the doctor said that she was not able to breathe on her own, and they had machines assisting her with that. In addition, the doctor said that she had aspirated some meconium, and they wanted to monitor her over the next several days. While I was there they removed the ventilation tube to see if she would breathe on her own. She didn’t and they put the tube back in. I went back to be with Erika during this time. Erika was finally released to go to her room and see the baby 4 hours later. Erika was in a wheel chair and couldn’t really see the baby well from her position. The nurses told us that she was doing better because they were not fully breathing for her (only applying pressure - whatever that meant) and she was breathing the same air that every one else breathes. This news made us feel better.
As of earlier today the tube came out once again, but this time to different results. She is breathing on her own. However, the doctor told us about a new concern. During labor the baby sustained some head trauma and there was some swelling. Right now she is going for MRI to learn more about the swelling. She will be released from NICU Saturday at the earliest and possible even later than that. I will let you know more at a later time.

Katherine Alexis Marie
First Middle

Weight: 7lbs 2oz
Height: 21 in


(I called as I do every night to see how she is doing before bed and the nurse told me she just finished her 10pm bottle. I said, you mean she ate threw the tube. But the nurse said, NO! I mean bottle. I was shocked and asked, are you sure you're talking about Katherine Alexis Marie? Yep! I was running around the house so excited.
The next day she bottle ate all day too. I helped feed her a bottle and burp her. It is very hard to feed her because she is slepping a lot, and they insist on feeding her on her schedule no materr what: 1am 4 am 7am 10am 1pm 4pm 7pm 10pm. Plus, they keep uping her food, so it is hard to get her to take it all. But, they really have faith that she can do it, because after a 2 hour NICU class we went to say goodnight to her at 11pm and they had taken the tube out her nose. Before it was still in there, so it was kind of like a safety net if the bottle didn't work, but they got rid of it. I am so happy, but scared too.)

(Her latest EEG showed reduced, to no seizure activity. Just spots of potential seizure activity. The terminology is a little iffy to me, but less is good and the doctors are pleased, so I am too. To their thinking the meds are working and are at the correct dose, the swelling has gone down on her head so the blood is aborbing naturally, and she is more alert and showing more muscle movement. They don't believe there has been any seizure activity! Yay! The nurses are all amazed and calling her their miracle baby. I am so proud of her and all her strength and hard work. I like to think she wants to come home as much as husband and I want her home.)

(When I walked into the NICU today a nurse said she is going home. I almost feel over. I was by myself and husband was at work. I was speechless! But, by the end of the day the nurse was like: oh, I thought she was nippling the bottle a little better than that, she won't be coming home today...but soon. I was happy, confused, and sad all rolled into one. That night husband and I discussed how we felt about her coming home. Our worries and fears, and what we will do to find a balance of the NICU schedule, us as new parents, and things we want to change. I felt confident that over the next couple days I was going to really learn the best ways to get her to take the bottle and give her her meds while she is in the NICU, since they made it sound like she is coming home soon. I also decided that first thing tomorrow I was going to ask the doctor, not a nurse, what is the procedure for her to go home? Who decides it? What decides it? I love the nurses in the NICU, but each one has their own little idea, twist, and advice. I don't want to get my hopes up, or diminished if one says something to me that isn't true.)

TODAY
I walked into the NICU today with a plan, confidence, and ready to take charge. But as soon as I opened the door that all fell apart when I saw not a single nurse that I knew. I guess everyone I knew had the day off. And I know at least 6 different nurses that have worked with Kami over the last 9 days. [Wow, 9 days, it seems like so much more than that.] Any way, I have some guy assigned to me and he is kind of gruff. He asks if I am going to start changing her diaper and take her temp. (Which you do before every feeding.) I say, NO, I want to see if she'll wake up on her own when she is hungry, because that is what we have been trying to do the last couple days and it has worked. Luckily he backed off. I saw the doctor walking towards me and I thought, perfect, just the person I wanted to talk to. I asked her my question about procedures and the nurses comments and how/who really makes these decisions? Well, to my surprise she said she was coming over to tell me that Kami is going home TODAY!!! My emotions went haywire! I asked, really? Are you just saying that because I asked, or were you really planning on sending her home today? She said it was already planned. Again I asked who makes this decision? And she said the doctors look over her charts, daily logs, test results, and they decide. Which makes sense because yesterday was Thursday and that is when they close for an extra hour to do evaluationn rounds. Sooooo, because it was no notice we are taking her home Saturday, tomorrow. I start to do alright with it, but then my mom starts freaking me out. Husband starts to do alright with it, but then he starts worrying a little too. In the end, we are new parents, worrying comes with the territory no matter what.
So, I was very determined today to give her her meds myself and do a good job with the bottle feeding. The guy was slow with the meds and she was awake and alert, so I gave her her bottle. She was doing great! But then the guy came with her meds and made me stop feeding her to give her it. I took the supplies from him, because I really wanted to do it myself, but then after I got the open nipple in her mouth and went to put the syringe in with the medicine he got his hands in and took it from me and didn't let me do it. She did not react well to the meds and closed her eyes, like she was instantly put to sleep by the meds and started pushing her head back hard! I freaked out, thinking what is she doing, and I am going to be alone with her soon with no one to reassure me that she is okay when she does things like this. No machines telling me that even though she is doing this her oxygen and heart rate are fine. We tried to give her the bottle back after this, but she wouldn't take it. The doctors say that the meds don't work like that, they can't instantly put her to sleep she is just maybe reacting to the taste and didn't like it. So I put her on my shoulder for awhile and we cuddled. After that I tried to give her more food and she almost finished the bottle. She drank 50ml of the 75ml they want her to eat. But, the experience was a little unnerving knowing she is coming home tomorrow and not two feedings in a row didn't go well; husband said at the 7am she only at 30ml of the 75ml. I'm just kind of frustrated and don't want her to go hungry when she comes home.......
Well, that is where we stand.

I know this is long, but it was long over due. But now I feel more comfortable jumping in and joining in the other discussions now that I have given an update on the situation.

I thank you all for your prayers and thoughts! I truly believe that they are what helped in the quick progress and strength that little Kami has shown.

Love,
Erika

[erika182]

Kami has been home for a little over a week now. It has been quite an experience. Between medicine, diapers, baths, feedings, spit up, laundry, and lack of sleep....my whole world has changed!

It is great to have her home, but I am such a worry wart. It's set in a little more now, but husband was home with me last week. This is my first week alone at home. It is odd. I want to be here to watch her grow and bond, but at the same time I am used to a go go go life style. I know things will pick up once she doesn't sleep all day and we can go out in the stroller and run errands. I feel like such a bum staying home all day. I don't think I wold be a godd stay at home mom.

Night are hard! For some reason she can eat on schedule during the day, or pretty close. She'll wake up every three hours or so to eat and sleep inbetween those feedings. But, at night she wants to eat every 1 to 2 hours and she is wide awake after! I am so tired and frustrated.

I have been pumping and she has been eatting pretty much all breast milk since home. In the NICU she wasgetting maybe 80% breast milk. But, these last couple of days I can barely get any milk out! It used to be if I didn't pump regularly my breast would hurt and fill up with milk. Now, lots of time can go by and nothing happens. My breast are soft and when I pump I'm getting only about half a bottle on each side; I used to get a full bottle from each!

Little Kami is so hard to burp! It can take you almost 20 to 30 minutes to get a burp out of her. In the middle of the night it isn't fun. But, if you give up, you are going to get a lot more spit up and be up cleaning that and not sleeping either. So, might as well stay up and get the burp.

Husband is getting very tired from his first two days back at work with little sleep. I try not to jump up at every little sound she makes in the night, because she hs gas and needs to let it out, but then will settle back down again after if you let her be. He wants her to be picked up and taken from the room at any little sound she makes. I say sleep through it! I mean ami and I try to sleep through his snoring!

We have had lots of laughs over the last couple of weeks. Little one pees in the bath tub every time! She farts like a truck driver and laughs as she does it. She peed on daddy while we were lotioning her up after her bath. And she squited at poop while I was putting lotion on her. She has some stomach issue to say the least!

Last week we had doctor appointments everyday:
Tuesday - cardiologist
Wednesday - pediatrician
Thursday - neurologist
Friday - home health nurse visit

Wow, they keep those doctor offices cold for making babies sit around in a diaper!
We are in the process of changing her seizure medicine right now. It was 2.4ml in the morning and night, but the doctor wants to get it to just one dose a day. So we did 2ml in the am and then 3ml in the pm for three days. and now we are doing 1ml in the am and 4 ml in the pm for three days. Then we will do just 5ml in the pm.
It is really hard to give her her medicine. I cried last night along with her as we gave it to her. She was so upset and it looked so painful, it just broke my heart!

Well, my liitle monkey is waking up! Time to feed her and then pump.

~Erika

[rebeccajanedesign]

Hey Erika,
I just read this from start to finish for the first time. And what an amazing experience you have had. Wow haven't you and your beautiful little girl come a long way. xx