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Okay, I got pregnant when i was 14 and he was 18...He moved right before I even found out i was pregnant but we kept in touch and everything was fine. Well of course after I had her, I was young, he lived far away and I didn't want a relationship with him.
He sent a 50.00 money order and a few things for her. Then he moved back into town when she was 1 ish or turning 1. He and his mom would keep her when i worked or whenever they wanted. He didn't do much of the work, but that's not the issue.
He had gotten into some trouble in NC before he moved back and actually had some Bounty Hunters locate him and he left so fast he never even said bye to his little girl. (she just turned 2)
So he's gone and well no child support. We never put in an order, why I don't know, because we are too nice of people and i dunno, we always start but never finish. That is my fault.
Years and years go by and Jayda is in good with her dad's side of the family (except her grandpa who is racist and won't associate with her because I am half black OH GOSH). I was living in california and doing everything on my own so i finally asked him to send me money, I got a total of 140.00 in two separate money orders...
When Jayda was turning 6 (back in NY this time), he came down for her birthday and we pitched in for her gifts and party. Then that was it until about last year or so when i told him she needed school clothes and he needed to help. It took forever to get the stuff, but he did it and he did well. He never calls for birthdays or holidays and sends her a myspace message every so often, but i don't let her online hardly to even let her check it and she doesn't know how.
I NEVER get child support, and he is always saying he's gonna send something next month, or when he gets his second job bla bla...I hadn't spoken to him since September.
Okay one reason i am lenient on him is because, he came out of the closet and announced that he is Bi-sexual... i wasn't surprised, that's his business, but i told him to be careful. Well right after DH and I got married in 2003 (her dad came to get her for the summer - but again she spent most of it with my mom and his mom) he found out that he is HIV positive. I know he doesn't have health care and he pays for things out of pocket. Luckily he is one of the rare cases where he doesn't get worse, his condition either improves or just stays stagnant.
That was the last time she saw him, he was supposed to work and make money to bring her back to us in NC (at that time when DH was in the military) and of course he couldn't do that either so my mom had to drive from NY to MD and we drove from NC to MD to meet them and pick Jayda up while i was preggo.
I have been really seriously fed up with being so 'nice' and sticking up for him, cause i know he loves his daughter, but she doesn't even ask about him anymore. She loves him but she doesn't bother. He sends me a myspace message telling me he wants my address to send money (how many times do you have to freakin ask i've lived here for 2 years). He says he honestly doesn't feel comfortable sending money when he doesn't have a relationship with his daughter or he doesn't get to see her...***???? that's on him not me, he can call and send letters, i've never stopped that nor do i talk bad about him to her.
I sent him a message saying that he can have visitation with her all he wants but i am not going to allow it until he actually shows he's a father. She's old enough almost to where she can travel alone, he can pay for her tickets, but first he has to step up to the plate, pay child support and be in her life. He couldn't move to where she was for her, but found a way to move when it was for him. He can smoke cigarettes everyday. He mentioned something like, if she doesn't want a relationship with him to let him know...Well either way, she's your child, so you just cut of her off if she doesnt? No you fight for her and let her know that you want to be a part of her life.
Anyways...I know i need to get a court ordered child support order, which seems to be so difficult for some reason...but am I right? I shouldn't let him visit her until he starts paying right? And not even just paying but actually making an effort to be more than a deadbeat dad.
Pamala, you are 110% right! Being a father means helping to ensure that your child is taken care of emotionally, physically, and financially. He needs to step up to the plate and be a real father. He needs to make sure Jayda knows that she is important to him, that he loves her, and that he will be there for her even when it isn't convenient to him.
It sounds like he is the type to come up with excuse after excuse as to why he can't do what he should. I have no respect for men like that. I think it is wonderful that you have given him the chance and want to do so again. However, this time it should be under your conditions. You have to do what is best for Jayda and obviously you know her better than her father does. He needs to realize that being a parent isn't something you do only when you feel like it. It is a never-ending job that should be taken seriously.
If I were you I'd definitely go get the court ordered child support and maybe work out a visitation agreement. Most courts won't allow the father to see the child if he isn't willing to contribute financially.
You are completely right no doubt about it. but I just have to say that if you do get a court order, that doesnt mean he will pay, and if you have a court order and he doesnt pay, that doesnt mean you dont have to let him see her. What Im trying to say, is that if you put it "on the books" and choose not to let him see her, if he ever tries to force it, he will have the cops on his side. Failure to pay child support does not give you the legal right to prevent him from seeing the kids. So that being said, I think its a complete bunch of BS, but dont even get me started on that! My point is I think you really need to decide if its worth it or not!! As of right now you hold all the cards, if you take him to court, you just handed him half the deck! I just think you should really sit down and think about how badly you need his money! I have never received a penny from my oldests "father" and I would never even dream about taking him to court for it, because I just dont want the hassle that comes with it! does that make any sense at all? Im sorry that you are in that situation, I know how aweful and ugly it can be. I hope everything works itself out for you!
honestly...i would rather him have a relationship with his daughter and send money w/o court orders. I mean if it's 25.00 then fine, if the next month he can't then be honest and say so, but I think she deserves to be in dance classes and summer camps and we just can't do it all right now.
I just want him to mean what he says. If he'd rather send her clothes or gift cards for same, then fine, send money for school supplies, i mean financially i would like some help, but I really don't want to get anything court ordered. I do want him to be in contact with her all of the time. He should be calling once a week or twice a month at LEAST to see how she's doing. He doesn't have to talk to her long. I mean my dad lived in Cali most of my life, he paid for me to visit him EVERY summer (this is why i was still close to my brother that just passed) and he sent me cards and occasional letters. i ALWAYS got Christmas gifts. He only sent 50.00 a month cause that's all he could afford, and when he made more he'd send more and it WASN'T court ordered. I didn't talk to him all of the time, but i knew my daddy loved me and even if I talked to him every 3 months, he made the effort and my mom never had to wonder if a check was in the mail, and if it didn't come, she knew he was doubling up ASAP. (my lucky youngest brother who lives with his mom gets 900.00 from my dad) Geesh!
you both have great points...i welcome anyone elses imput. I just want to be fair and not be a pushover at the same time ya know?
I completely understand where you are coming from Pamela, and I dont in anyway disagree with what Susan said, except for the fact that courts wont allow the father to see the kids if they dont contribute financially, unfortunatly its the exact opposite. The one thing you cannot do, is to withhold visitation. Its difficult because every situation is different. I know how you feel, I really do, I want the same thing for my middle son, but honestly I would rather have nothing from him at all then half a father. Austins Dad, is a part of his life whenever its convenient for him, he gets him in the summertime for a couple of weeks, but not by his choice, its kind of a long story about my ex and my DH ex, but anyway, he doesnt call him and he doesnt ever see him other than that, and if he does, he will call and make empty promises and every time I have to watch it break my little boys heart! My son doesnt understand why his dad doesnt want anything to do with him. That is not worth any amount of money. I mean your completely right Jayda does deserve those things and she deserves to have a father that wants to be a part of her life, but chances are thats not what she is going to get, and all he is going to do is confuse her and break her heart further. If I could go back and undue my child support order, I would in a heart beat I would give up that money so fast, because that court ordered child support gives him the right to be apart of his sons life, even if he doesnt want that right, he has the mindset of "im paying for him so by god Im gonna see him" even if its once a year and full of empty promises in between. Like I said I know that every situation is different. But for me, I know if my ex wasnt paying that child support, and the situation with our current spouses wasnt like it is, then he would never ever see my son, and Austin would be sooooooooo much better off without him! I dont know what to tell you to do, unfortunatly there is no right answer, I mean you just never know how they are going to react. Its a tuff situation and I definatly feel for you for being in it. I really hope that whatever you do, it turns out to be what is best for Jayda!
Ok I just reread that post and the end of it sounded harsh! I didnt mean for it too. Im just saying I know what a difficult decision it is to make, and there no way of knowing how its gonna turn out. I hope that it turns out better for you than it did for me. I hope that sounds better. I dont mean anything bad by it.
yeah all of this sucks. I would never want to deny him the right to see his daughter or her the right to see her father if she wants to. I just want him to be a full time dad not a once in a while dad. I know he can't see her every weekend or whatever, but you know just showing and making an effort to do something. I see my SIL's girls, she has 3 with 3 different dads. The first one's dad isn't really in the picture as much but she's very much in tuned with her grandmother and her sister from her father. Then the youngest, is her dad's first, he's the one that pays child support and comes to get her all of the time. Then there's the middle child, who saw her father about 3 years ago for Christmas for about 30 minutes and does not have contact with his side of the family at all. I think it's all on their side, not by my SIL cause she drops her girls off with their families as much as possible lol. I just feel for her cause she's left out and she has no relationship at all with her dad, whereas the other girls do. I just don't want these girls to ever feel some kind of void because their biological fathers didn't really bother...
Sometimes i wanna just tell him to forget about her since she's closer to being an adult than a child at this time and then I know that especially with girls, we sometimes feel a void w/o a father figure, but thank GOD i/we have DH. these situations are never easy, i don't wish it on anyone.
I completely agree and know exactly where you are coming from. I also have 3 boys with 3 different fathers and each situation is different. My oldes who is 14, has never even met his Father, and honestly he is perfectly fine with that. He has a dad and not knowing his sperm donor has not made a difference in his life at all. My middle well I just told you about his dad. And my youngests father is my DH so hes the lucky one. I dont know Jayda like you do, obviously, so I cant speak for her or her emotions. But I honestly think that we, as their mothers, put alot more importance on their Biological fathers then they ever do. I mean it would be one thing if we were single. But were not. My DH is a WONDERFUL father to all my boys, and it sounds like yours is to her! So really shes not missing out on anything. I dont think she would really care much until she is older, alot older, and maybe not even then. Like I said I could be completely wrong, as I dont know her or the kind of relationship she has had with spermman up til now. I think the whole thing sucks and I wouldnt wish the situation on anyone. Its messy and ugly, but ya know I wouldnt change it cuz if I did, then I wouldnt have the 3 most beautiful boys that I know! I am quite sure that you feel the same way. I hope it all works out for you guys!
he sounds exactly like my dad. he left us on xmas morning when i was 6..we all woke up and he was gone and ive only talked to him maby a total of 5 times since then and im now 18!
i would tell him he needs to act like her father first and take care of her before she decides forget him..because one day she probley will.
i think your right though, he needs to take care of his responsiblitys first.[/b]
i can understand that too...his best bet, even w/o my input is to get in the picture before she decides F-him and won't want any parts maybe until the time we have is shorter. Cause I didn't make him miss out on her life, he's done it by not taking action. I lived in cali for 3 years and he kept saying he'd come to visit or something... Why is it that after I moved...he found a way to move to cali and has been there for almost 3 years? Lol just too much...
I think that if he really wants to see his daughter and be a true father, then he needs to prove himself. That means taking steps to be a better dad. Start with calling. If he says he is gonna call on Sunday at 6pm then he had better call on that day at that time. It is a small step, but keep the promises that you say you are gonna do. If he can't even keep a phone date, then there is no way he needs to get her hopes up saying that he would visit or send something. I think that he needs to prove himself for a while before he gets to actually see and speak to DD on a regular basis. Kids need stability and that it was you give to your daughter.
Pamala. Every state is different regarding the child support/visitation issue. My father is actually a prosecutor for the state (Indiana) enforcing child support, so I know the Indiana laws in and out. My youngest son's father (not the one I'm carrying now) has never even met him, he makes noise occassionally about wanting to be involved but never follows through. I've sent him a couple pictures of Mattie, but he's never talked to him or seen him in the flesh. Now, my DH is going to adopt Mattie in october, which is the soonest the state will allow it. Now Indiana law is that child support and visitation are two seperate issues. If I wanted to file a court order for child support, I could do so, and I would never have to let sperm donor see Mattie. BUT if he goes and files an order for visitation, and the judge ruled that visitation was ok, I would have to let him see him regardless of whether child support was current or not. If I were you, I would call the local prosecutor's office, and just ask how it works. That doesn't mean you are filing anything or even setting anything into motion, just getting information. If North Carolina works the same way as Indiana, then go ahead and file the support papers...they will track down your ex and serve him with papers, and they will take it from there. If support and visitation go hand in hand, then do some soul searching and decide what you think is best for Jayda, because as everyone else has said, that's the most important thing. I would have loved to have had some financial support along the way from sperm donor, BUT as a single mom, who was going to school full time, and pinching pennies until they screamed for mercy...I honestly felt much better off without him being involved. And Mattie loves his daddy (my DH), who is a much better role model for him growing into a man, than his sperm donor...who does drugs, has been engaged 11 times (yes, 11) in the last 4 years, hasn't been able to keep a steady job, etc etc. Now what that says about my choice in men..ya I know lol...BUT I finally found a diamond in the rough, same as you with your current DH. Good luck hun!
I think you are right as well. You are watching out for your daughter's wellbeing
And he should be paying child support, period. Any amount would help, and we all know the older kids get, the more they cost. But I think you are being more than fair, and you have your daughters best interests at heart
4 wonderful and handsome princes's, 1 princess and 1 more princess on her way! Due September 9th 2010!!!
Lacey Faith Margaret Leilani- September 13th 2010 9:19am 6 pounds. 3 oz
TTC our 3rd pink bundle in November 2012!