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So this morning we had a big chat about this question while we were drinking our coffee. I explained to DH that I feel that their failures with our last birth experience have left such a bad taste in my mouth and I still feel really hurt by their preferential treatment to pretty much EVERYONE but us.
He said he could totally understand that, but that if he and his wife have their baby and don't even tell his own parents when it's going on, then they find out later, the fall out could be pretty much nuclear - which is also a good point. He also got a little teary when he said how badly he wants to have the big moment this time of coming out with his baby in his arms, full term and healthy, and no scary stuff like we had last time.
So I caved and agreed to allow his parents to be at the hospital on a few non-negotiable conditions:
- if possible, DH and Ruby will be in the recovery room with me as much as possible (need to check with hospital about this)
- under absolutely NO circumstances are the ILs - any of them, his or mine - going to be present when Jack meets Ruby.
- DH can take Ruby out to meet them for five minutes, then she's coming back in the room with me and DH and Jack, and we're going to savor our time as a family together WITHOUT anybody else.
I told him grandparents are, in my opinion, B-list relatives. Parents and siblings supersede them. Therefore our time with Ruby needs to be enjoyed and pleasant and quiet without my drunk inlaws standing around crowing. And if she comes back to me covered in my FIL's slobbery kisses, heads are gonna roll.
FINALLY (and this part DH doesn't know) I'm going to make it good and clear to them that if they fail him again, and if they aren't there for him to have this moment of introducing his daughter to them, I'm going to going bats**t crazy and tear a strip right off them.
I guess we'll see how this all plays out. What a stupid stressful situation - if they were normal, I wouldn't have to micromanage like this! Argh!
I want to lie to my inlaws about when baby girl is born.
In 2 weeks I have my next appt and I'm going to be booking our c-section then. Depending on when I can get in with the OB that I want, it'll be sometime in the first couple weeks of February. She will be born at the hospital here in town like my 2 nephews and niece were (all by c-section too, strangely enough. ANYWAY.)
When these 3 babies were born, MIL & FIL were perched eagerly on chairs in the waiting room, bright eyed and bushy tailed, squawking no doubt about how THRILLED they were to be welcoming another grandchild into the world, yada yada yada. The respective fathers walked out, teary eyed (I guess - I wasn't there) and presented them with the babies. We got hourly updates on SIL's labor & delivery and regular (although not hourly) updates on the other two.
When Jack was born, I walked myself into the OR after 8 hours of induced labor, DH got all gowned up, and then they whisked Jack into the NICU and me into recovery. DH sat with the nurses in the NICU while the neonatalogist examined Jack. My mom and stepdad arrived just after, and sat with DH and visited me and Jack. After a couple hours Jack needed to sleep and so did I, and the hospital wouldn't let DH stay - so they all went home. I sat by myself in the hospital room without my baby and DH went home alone to an empty house.
Did it suck?
Yea, verily, it SUCKED.
DH had called MIL & FIL while I was in labor and told them baby was on his way. They responded that they were "camping" with BIL and his girlfriend, and they weren't going to make it in to the hospital that day. I can't remember exactly what time DH called them, but it was probably around noon (my induction had started around 8am.) They were about a half hour away from the city, which was in turn about an hour away from the hospital. I'd been in there for a week, and we all knew I wasn't going anywhere until that baby was born. So DH watched me labour, then have an emergency c-sec, without any family (no siblings, no parents, NOBODY) there to support him. I was kind of busy, so wasn't very supportive myself.
This has always bothered me - that DH's family dropped the ball so completely on the birth of their very first grandchild. They were kept updated on everything going on, lots of phone calls, lots of info, and they were too busy camping and getting drunk to come to the hospital. Then when my SILs delivered, they were right there, little eager beavers. Poor DH had to go through all of the emotional highs and lows alone. It wasn't right and I will never, ever forgive them.
Now we are having a scheduled c-sec this time, and I feel like punishing them for their absence the first time.
They wouldn't come to the hospital for Jack, so I feel like assuming they won't come for Ruby, either. If my c-sec is booked at, say, 9am, I want to lie to them and tell them it's not till 3pm. I don't want them there. I don't want them sitting in the waiting room like they're such big keeners when they wouldn't do the same for my son. He deserved as much fuss and excitement, even though he was little and early, and they withheld that from him and from his father - their own freakin' SON. And to think they gave that to everyone else's babies.... makes me FURIOUS.
I haven't told DH this yet. I am not sure how he'll handle it.
The point of this long winded post is to get your input - is it right for me to withhold the moment from them as punishment for their failure to support DH and Jack in that huge moment? And if it is, how can I get that through to DH?
I want him to have the moment of introducing his new daughter to his parents. He didn't get that with his son. But I absolutely cannot stand the thought of them refusing - yes, refusing, they COULD have come to the hospital and instead showed up 20 hours after Jack's birth - to be there for Jack, then being super keeners for Ruby.
To me it's like fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on you, kwim?
Am I being unreasonable? I haven't said any of this anyone yet.
And, PS: I am totally aware that this might be pointless - after all, they didn't care enough for the birth of our first child, who's to say they'll even care about the birth of our second? Maybe I don't need to think about any of this at all.
Last edited by jillylicious; October 30th, 2010 at 04:11 PM.
Reason: kind of figured things out, I guess
Wow. You're not being unreasonable at all, hun. I'd still be super POd, too. I mean, camping? Really? That's pretty freaking ridiculous. How did DH react to that?
Btw, I think our ILs must be long-lost relatives, because mine didn't seem to believe me when my water broke, so they weren't there either. There was also a godfather who was getting a tattoo that night and couldn't make it, and several other relatives who didn't want to brave a few snowflakes. But they certainly didn't miss SIL's births, or her daughter's 2nd birthday even when there was record flooding!
I guess if it were me I'd casually let them know I was on the way to the hospital for the c-section. If they show, they show. If they don't, then you don't have to worry about it. And I'd certainly keep that in mind when you're picking out a nursing home for them!
So sorry that you have to deal with their crap, hun. Hang in there, and vent whenever you want. We're always here!
Yep, camping. They're drunks, you see, so once they decide to get drunk, they stay put (how commendable.) The part that bugs me is that they knew I was in hospital and still made plans to go out and get hammered, while DH and I sat there on baby watch.
DH didn't say much as I recall - I was a little distracted, to be honest, and he may have said something that I can't remember.
You know I'd LIKE to just call them the next day and let them know she's arrived and everything's good, and when they ask "Gasp, why didn't you call us sooner!?" I would say "Eeehhhh, I figured that you wouldn't really care. After all, you didn't want to show up for Jack's delivery, so I thought you wouldn't want to do this for Ruby's, either."
But I don't see DH going for that. It IS a little vicious.
I'm just afraid he's going to want The Big Moment of presenting his daughter to his family... and they won't be there for him. AGAIN. And if that happens, and I'm the one who says "screw 'em, don't even tell them about her", then we're good. But if I say that and they magically DO care this time, then I look like a beeyotch.
Part of me just wants to protect him from them, since they've been so awful, but he is so soft hearted and doesn't want to see them for what they really are - insanely selfish.
And, I don't see myself doing very well for the rest of my life when I look at them and think "You could make time for this baby's arrival, but not Jack's!? Why the heck NOT?!" and then trying to claw their eyes out. Could get ugly.
That's exactly what I plan on doing when Avery arrives in 9 days. Every one was excited, eventually, when AJ was born. My mom flew down to help me out for the first 2 weeks, she arrived 5 days before the scheduled c-section just in case I went into labor on my own, which I was great because I did go into labor before the scheduled date and she was there to go with me to the hospital while DH came in from work. Well...this time my mom, others also, but I'm more upset with her actions because she is my mother, has said that she is NOT coming down this time. She hasn't even bothered asking me what day I'm due. Has not called me for any updates on how the pregnancy is going, for all she knows I could have already had Avery. When I found out it was a girl at 16 weeks I sent her the sonogram photo and my step father said that she said she didn't want to look at it. Then my best friend who has been telling me that she was going to buy me a pink car seat for MONTHS since I was 5 weeks pregnant (mind you SHE was the one who TOLD me that that's what she wanted to buy) shows up 5 hours late to my baby shower after she knew no one showed up for the event, supposedly because she had gone to 7 stores and none of them had pink car seats, called me up the next day and LIED to me saying that she couldn't even find them online and then when i told her walmart and target had them she goes "Well...I really don't have the money so I'll get you something for $20" .....????? I told her okay, just forget it I gotta go and haven't picked up the phone at all when it's her calling. Point of this story is that when I have Avery which is another scheduled section and we know the date I WILL NOT, I repeat, I WILL NOT be calling or informing ANYONE of the birth. I don't want to speak to my mom or anyone else, the only one that will know is my grandmother because she is the one who is going to stay with AJ.
Things like this are why we aren't announcing our next pregnancy (I will tell you all though) because I get sick of the empty promises, the broken promises and the whining and crying about wanting this, needing that...and most of it has nothing to do with me or the baby. My mother just gets jealous and my in laws get all offended if we don't call the every second while I was in labor (with Jack).
Honestly my heart just breaks for your husband. Sadly no matter how hard you try you will not be able to shelter him from the pain that they cause. When you are dealing with drunks eventually your only option may be to cut them out of your lives. He may feel a lot better if he does not have to deal with them anymore.
I know that is what my Grandma had to do with her family. Growing up their drinking was so bad that they would literally "MOVE" (aka get kicked out) while my Grandma was at school. She would come home to an empty place and just sit on the steps and pray they remembered to come get her. My grandpa married her and saved her from all of that and they chose together to cut her family out of their life. My father and his siblings do not even know them. In fact we have NO clue who they are or where they are. We are a happier and healthier family because of it. I do not believe any of us missed out on having them in our lives. My Grandma's life was wonderful because of this choice.
I would not fault you at all for telling them a different time. I hope you won't feel guilty for doing it either. Sometimes we have to do something difficult to keep our family healthy.
Hugs Jilly! That's a rotten situation. I'm sorry they let you and your DH down like that when Jack was born. How rude and hurtful! I hope they do show up this time since it seems important to your DH, but I totally understand why you considered not inviting them. Them showing up this time still won't fix the pain and disappointment for you, but it may help your DH some.
I'm glad that you talked to DH and came to an agreement. It's good that you can be honest with him about how you feel about them, and it sounds like he needs you to be there for him to vent when they disappoint him. I mean, can you imagine dealing with that your whole life? I'm sure they've been disappointing him long before he met you.
Hold your head high, and don't give your ILs a chance to make you the bad guy, ya know? And if I were you, I wouldn't have high expectations for their behavior. Chances are they're going to piss you off in some way. Because they just sound like tacky, unreliable people.