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  #1  
December 5th, 2010, 08:46 AM
jillylicious's Avatar mom always liked you best
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Okay, I need some input from people who AREN'T big and pregnant and emotional.

Last night DH had a few glasses of wine (it was our company Christmas party) and on the way home we were talking about the new baby. He admitted to me that he's been serious worries and fears about this new baby - he thinks she's going to have colic and reflux (why? I have no idea), that she won't ever sleep, that she'll scream all the time, that she'll be a really difficult, demanding, challenging baby. He didn't use the word "dread" but he may as well have.

He seems to think that this baby is going to be SO different from Jack and that no kid could compare to Jack. "Jack is so good and easy and everything's been so simple with him, I just think our luck has run out and this baby is going to be really hard." I couldn't believe my ears. I mean, we have made jokes about how active she is and how she's already bigger than Jack was, and that she's going to be a snark because she's beating up on Mommy so much. But, to me, I was just KIDDING.

I am just stunned. I was really excited about having a daughter and another baby. Our family feels complete to me. DH seems to be dreading meeting this baby, and I don't know what to attribute it to. He is the one reassuring me that financially & timewise, we can handle another kid. But when it comes down to the other kid herself, it's like he's dragging his feet.

He grew up in a house of 2 kids, a boy & a girl, so it's not like he should be weirded out by a sibling relationship. If anything, his mom played favorites with his sister (and still does) and I am wondering if he's starting the same thing with Jack... and this new little one isn't even HERE yet.

My father was horrible to me and my three sisters, and when I found out I was having a girl I wanted SO much to avoid repeating that situation - that my little girl was going to grow up with a daddy who was crazy about her. And now her daddy is expecting her to be this tiny, wrinkled, red faced little terrorist.

I am just so sad this morning. I can't believe a father is sitting there expecting his unborn child to be a difficult, demanding, unpleasant experience. I told him how upset I was by this (I lie awake thinking about it, and it's the first thing I thought of this morning) and he just goes "Well, fine then, I won't say anything else about it."

Um, yeah, cause THAT's going to solve it.

Have any BTDT mommas dealt with this? Have BTDT dads expected the worse on their 2nd baby because they think their 1st is so snazzy? And what in the world do I do when she DOES cry (because she's a BABY, for pete's sake) and I have to wonder if her being a baby is making her dad not love her like he does her brother?

Sorry if this is all over the place. I'm only half done my first coffee.
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  #2  
December 5th, 2010, 08:55 AM
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Jill! I am so sorry. We joke about the same thing, Addison is so easy, what would another one be like??? Hopefully once she is here and holds her in his arms he will relax. I am sure things will be fine. She will wrap daddy around her little finger.
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  #3  
December 5th, 2010, 09:41 AM
aprilmiracle's Avatar WTTC #2 in 2015
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Hugs to you Jill. Honestly, I think he might just be scared, like we all are at some point about bringing babies into the world. He doesn't feel her inside of him like you do, so they don't share the same bond you two do already. Once she is born and he can see her and hold her I bet it'll be different. He just needs a chance to get to know her
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  #4  
December 5th, 2010, 10:40 AM
Nicandab's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Just convince yourself she's going to prove him wrong and maybe that will communicate itself to your womb.

DH was never overly concerned about how hard it was going to be.. No help.. other than tell him to be positive!
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  #5  
December 5th, 2010, 11:39 AM
quietsong's Avatar Just Another Slacker Mom
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DH went through the same worries too in the last trimester with Danny. Honestly, I went through the same worries as your husband too, worried that we'd been so lucky with Eric and it surely couldn't happen again. I think it's a pretty common thing as a new baby approaches; life is good now, and there is a BIG change coming. Change is scary! I'm sure it has nothing to do with her being a girl (except a girl is just...unknown, which adds to the scary part). Also keep in mind, too, that most guys aren't really "baby" people; they hit their stride and their comfort zone when kids become toddlers and you can play with them. DH was very hands off with both boys when they were under 1 - he would help, but he wasn't very comfortable about it? And then once they were toddlers, it's like he suddenly was totally into them.

Hugs, hon. It's totally natural, and it is NOT a sign that he won't love her, etc.
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  #6  
December 5th, 2010, 11:51 AM
KellersMom517's Avatar Emily-Mom to Keller Henry
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Total ditto to Kel! DH and I both had these fears - but actually because Keller was a difficult baby with bad reflux/colic for 2-3 months that we were just expecting that our 2nd baby would be the same! We were both legitimately scared - scared of the colic, scared of the no sleep, scared to change Keller's routine...it's **** scary having another baby! But that doesn't mean we weren't excited and in love with her. And definitely DH was way more head over heels once he saw her than he could ever be when she was still a mystery inside me.

Try not to worry - you will both hit your stride. Admittedly my husband gets WAY more nervous and stressed when Isla cries, and I end up handling a lot of the fussy spells. But that just means that he can have 1 on 1 time with Keller, and thats ok with me b/c that is important too, kwim? He will be in love with Ruby as soon as he sees her!

Oh also - I wanted to add that I think it's good that he's communicating this to you and not just shutting down. Keep the lines open
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  #7  
December 5th, 2010, 01:42 PM
worried27
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Personally I think that it *might* have to do with the fact that she is a girl and not a boy. With AJ DH was the one who was easy going with everything. He was great trough out the pregnancy, he knew supplies that we would need with a boy, and he was the one who would take care of AJ's "bacitration on penis" when he was healing from the circumcision. He was a pro because he had already BTDT with his son from a previous relationship, plus the fact that he himself was a male he automatically knew how to handle another boy. Well with this pregnancy everything was WAYYY different from we found out it was a girl. He started to withdraw and all of a sudden treated me like I wasn't pregnant, because of the fact the he didn't believe it was going to be a girl after three boys, so it was surreal to him, we both also commented on how she was going to be demanding because of all the contractions she would make me have with her strong movements and the way that she would not let the Doctors get measurements etc. I was even scared that she was going to have developmental problems (another long story, so anyways the last week of the
pregnancy we commented on how near it was to her DOB and he said;"'Well, I'm not ready yet?" I was stunned since he was the one that had been saying how much he wanted a girl. He explained how he needed more time to still walk around the house in his underwear and that he was not looking forward to changing her girl diapers..???????? He also would act snarky everytime people would bring up the fact that AJ would be jealous of the new baby and act out towards it. He would tell me and them "My son will never do anything like that, I KNOW my son and I will treat him the same I won't give my daughter special treatment." Kinda like putting AJ over the new baby and defending him more. Well since she was born everything has changed and he no longer acts the way he did, except for when its time to change her diapers where she needs to be "specially cleaned" down there and brings her into the bathroom for me to do so even if I am taking a bath. LOL
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  #8  
December 5th, 2010, 01:57 PM
dream2bemommy22's Avatar and baby makes 5
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OK here is my opinion. I do think that your hormones are playing into your reasons for being upset, just a bit.

I remember feeling the same way anytime Dh wasnt over the moon about me being preggo with Charlie. I think as first time parents, our first born will always be the "perfect child" honestly until you ahve more, you have nothing to compare to.

While i was nervous about what Charlie would bring, Dh worried way more. And in the end, i was the one that did most of the infant taking care of, i BF for 9 months, so i got up 3X a night for 9 months, so what DH was so worried about, i dont know.

I would just take this more as DH telling you his fears, ect and not him teling you he is going to dread being Ruby's daddy. He will be more excited and more relaxed when she is here, i promise you. Having a 2nd child into the mix is SCARY for guys, especially when they are suddenly taking on more financial responsibility.

hugs, i would tell him how his comments made you feel though, and tell him you want him to be honest with you, but just watch how he says it.
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  #9  
December 5th, 2010, 02:40 PM
lindseyp1019's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I think thats a fear of a lot of parents. Heck, I am terrified of the same thing!!
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  #10  
December 5th, 2010, 04:36 PM
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Just from hearing you post about your dh for the last couple of years I do not think he is the type to ignore or mistreat his daughter. I think it's natural to worry about that with the rotten history you have with your own father, but I really do thinks will work out once Miss Ruby arrived. I agree with Julia....I don't think fathers really get that bond until after the baby is born.


Oh and just in case his fears do come true: *knock on wood!* My first child was a dream and my second a nightmare. He did have colic, reflux, asthma, and was just difficult. We did not love him any less, and in fact went on to have two more babies. And now as a preschooler he is a joy to us...those baby days are distant memories. You just kind of roll with the punches.
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  #11  
December 5th, 2010, 06:20 PM
Julka
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I think he is just scared of having a second baby, period, even if you were expecting another boy. Newborns are very unpredictable! Natasha was our "easy newborn" who slept through the night by 5 months, ate pretty good, was well behaved, calm, etc etc. So we actually had "the same" expectations for baby #2 and then Veronika came along and screamed bloody murder 24/7 for 2 months straight because she had reflux! I sent DH to buy her "special formula" one day and he bought the wrong kind by mistake, (Enfamil Gentlease) and I gave her that, and the second night she stopped screaming. It was a miracle, lol. But Veronika was still more difficult - she didn't sleep through the night until closer to one year. But as she grew up, she did so many things "faster" than her sister - potty trained earlier, she speaks advanced for her age, etc. I am just saying that siblings can be so different and so unpredictable, it's crazy. But I do think that DH will "change" once Ruby is born - I just cannot picture him still being negative after she is here. Yeah, the first few weeks will be hard, but it's hard whether it's your first kid or your tenth, newborns are never 100% easy all the time. But hugs to you, and I don't think you are being overemotional or hormonal, it would bother me enough to vent a bit as well.
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  #12  
December 5th, 2010, 08:14 PM
jillylicious's Avatar mom always liked you best
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Thanks, ladies. I don't know what I would do without you guys.

I am glad you reminded me about the normal part of fearing the change of a new baby... and YES, there are definitely aspects of having a newborn that I'm not too thrilled about either (hello, insanely exhausted and haven't showered in 3 days.)

I guess all I can do is try to see his remarks in the right light, and hope that when she does arrive he warms up to it all. It's not like there's anything I can do about it now but hope that his attitude changes.

Thanks again... I feel better for having read your thoughts! You girls are the best.
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  #13  
December 5th, 2010, 08:29 PM
quietsong's Avatar Just Another Slacker Mom
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Quote:
Originally Posted by clouise View Post
My first child was a dream and my second a nightmare. ... You just kind of roll with the punches.
Yeah, ditto this! You all lived - and are living! - it with me John definitely struggled more with baby #2 than baby #1, and was stand-offish for longer as well, because he was so much more difficult than our first. But today, we both love the little guy to pieces, and Daddy loves to play with him, help him learn, etc. Life carries on, and your hubby is a great dad to Jack...and will be to any other babies you guys have
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  #14  
December 6th, 2010, 08:47 AM
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I think I'm a member of the big, pregnant, and emotional club, so I don't have a lot of brilliant advice. But I wanted to say that my bet is that Miss Ruby is going to be a charming little sweetheart (like her mama!), and that your DH isn't going to stand a chance. He's going to be wrapped around her little finger from the moment he lays eyes on her!

*Hugs*, mama. It'll all be okay!!
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Last edited by curlimama05; December 6th, 2010 at 12:26 PM.
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  #15  
December 6th, 2010, 09:38 AM
Bermuda Girl's Avatar Andrea Jack & Olive's mom
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Hugs! I agree with the other ladies, just wait till that baby is born,she will win him over.

All I can say is that at least he is willing to talk about his feelings, and not just pull away. That seems to be a step in the right direction.
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  #16  
December 6th, 2010, 07:58 PM
happyhme44's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I read his fears and thought NORMAL although I admit I have heard those exact words more from my friends that are pregnant meaning the mommies than the fathers. Then again I have heard a few of my friends fathers feel this way. (including my cousins husband) I think you should just tell him that once you thought about it all of his fears are totally normal and regardless of the situation you will face it together. Plus Zac was a terrified literally terrified of having a girl. The SECOND she was born it was a different story. She stopped crying the second he started to talk to her and snatched his finger up. (I have pictures) I admit at the time his fears made me beyond angry and slightly insane. lmao... Pregnancy hormones at their best!
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