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  • 1 Post By mylene169

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  #1  
April 26th, 2013, 05:24 AM
QueenCrafty's Avatar Courtney
Join Date: May 2007
Location: North Carolina
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I am at my wits end with Lily's whining. She whines over everything. It's not really a matter of her being spoiled and trying to get her way because I have no problem telling her no and sticking with it. It's just the whining over every little thing all day everyday. For example, this morning I asked the girls to get dressed. Abri got her clothes, socks, and shoes on with no problem. Lily tried to put her sock on (did it correctly I might add), but then flung it off and whined "I can't do it!" I get the same reaction from the seat belt, picking up her toys, etc. At least once a week it turns into a full blown hissy fit with feet stomping and tears.

We've tried reminding her to use a big girl voice, we've tried getting her to ask for help without whining, we've done time out, we've taken away toys and tech privileges, we've even spanked. Nothing works. I wonder if it's a lack of confidence, but being patient and asking her to try again ends in her kicking and crying and me yelling. Anyone have suggestions? What am I doing wrong? Why does my 3 year old have more patience than my 5 year old?
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  #2  
April 26th, 2013, 05:49 AM
kimmiejo's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Good question! because I feel the same way! Sam isn't even 3 yet and whines less than Sydney, she whines over the same kind of things! she gets easily frustrated and that can spiral quickly into a full blown freak out fest!......and we have tried the same things you have, she still whines and it still drives me nuts! It does go in phases, she will be great for weeks on end, no whining or tantrums and then something happens and the cycle starts over. Not sure what happens exactly to cause it, if anything, it doesn't correlate with anything. Sometimes I feel like "well maybe she needs some one on one time" but if I am being honest both my kids get a lot of one on one time with me and DH, we make it priority so I don't think that is it. I don't know? I don't have a solution....I do know that one of the girls I work with has a 5 yr old dd and she says the same exact thing about her, that she whines nonstop, so maybe it's an age thing, a girl thing, a personality thing? who knows! clearly not me LOL but you aren't alone!
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  #3  
April 26th, 2013, 06:17 AM
mylene169's Avatar Kaija and Kolbie's Mommy
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When Kaija starts acting like that I sit down and have a heart-to-heart with her and ask her to tell me what's wrong - like REALLY wrong. I've been finding that her whining and acting out in those ways is her way of telling me there's something bothering her. A month or 2 ago she was doing the same thing and I finally asked her what was up. They had been learning how to tie shoes at preschool the week before and she couldn't do it. It frustrated her so much that she couldn't tie shoes that it was spreading into every other thing she could normally do without a problem. Once I reassured her that shoe tying wasn't that big of a deal in that moment she seemed to relax a bit.
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  #4  
April 26th, 2013, 07:25 AM
LisaMarie!'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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We have tons of issue with Preston and little issue with Aiden but here is how we have worked through our issues. It seems to be working. It might seem mean but it works.

We changed the door handles so it looks from the outside (hallway). We have started using their rooms for timeout area and they do not come out until the yelling and banging stops. We remind them once we get them in the room that they will not come out until they stop yelling/banging on the door. Once the time is over, they have to tell us or who they hurt sorry or they go back into timeout. Preston is getting better with this one too. We have been doing this for a month or 2 and we are just now seeing the changes so it takes time. We are both on board on doing it this way and it works. We both see it.

Aiden hate it and we only had to do it to him a couple of times. Now it takes us talking to him about being a big boy and if he doesn’t listen he will go into timeout. We did have a few weeks where he was have tantrums and so bad he was having them at school too. The school had to talk to us because it was getting to a point they were not able to handle him. We sat down and talked to Aiden about tantrums and why he was having the tantrums. It seems to help. We also told him next time we get a bad report from school we will not be as nice and toys and games will be taken away.

Preston is the one who get timeout most of the time. He is our troublemaker but it is getting better. He is learning that yelling/hitting/bitting/pinching. Doesn’t get him what he want. He will get timeout and then once he claims down, we may talk. If its at night then he is just over tired and he goes to bed.
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  #5  
April 26th, 2013, 09:35 AM
*Cyndee*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Tone of voice and resistance is a big issue with us this month. I am constantly reminding her how to ask nicely and how to control her impulses and frustrations.

From the second she wakes up she's still tired, she doesn't want to get dressed, doesn't want to go to school, doesn't want to eat breakfast (but she'll put on her shoes for DH!), then I pick her up, she's HOT, she wants to stop for ice cream or a slurpee, she wants a treat, her tummy hurts, wont eat dinner, doesn't want to take a bath, she has a headache that only a popsicle can cure, etc.. It's driving me bananas!

So I have been practicing being a brick wall of her resistance, consistent responses, flexibility on small potatoes and big picture goals of things to look forward to. I no longer respond to "I want". I give stern consequences for not listening and stick to them (no dessert if I have to remind her to eat her dinner more than 3 times within a reasonable space of time, for example).

Writing her name on the white board is a warning system her school uses - 3 checks and it's time out or consequence.

We are also working on (both of us) - it's not what you say but how you say it - and you get what you give. It's a very trying age because I feel like she's old enough to know better and know how to act but I also know she's just a kid and needs to be able to be a kid.
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  #6  
April 26th, 2013, 10:52 AM
LisaMarie!'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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The tone makes a huge difference on how the boys react to us. This is a huge issue that I'm always workng on is my tone. Preston can push our bottons sometimes.
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  #7  
April 26th, 2013, 11:01 AM
QueenCrafty's Avatar Courtney
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I can tell that a lot of the time she is frustrated with something, but all the tasks she is given are things she knows how to do. The times that she completes the tasks without whining, we praise her. At school she is confident and bossy. At dance she is a good listener and tries hard without issue. What is the difference at home that she suddenly doesn't know how to do the simplest things? I don't feel like I coddle her or even Abri for that matter. Is it just a personality difference? What makes matters worse is that Lily and I are both stubborn perfectionists. Neither one of us backs down.
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  #8  
April 26th, 2013, 11:14 AM
kimmiejo's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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^^that is Sydney and I exactly! the whole situation seems about the same!...I think personality plays a big role, Sam and Sydney are very different personality wise, I have seen it from very early on! Sydney is a perfectionist and she gets that from me. I think that is why we butt heads often, we are just a lot alike...and a bit stubborn, the both of us!
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  #9  
April 26th, 2013, 02:49 PM
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I just finished a book called Love and Logic for the Preschooler and am using a few of the ideas out of it and they are working amazing. I seriously wish I had read this book when Addy was a baby.

Anytime Addy starts whiney I calmly say to her in a calm voice " Uh-oh, how sad, I don't listen to whining. We will talk when your voice sounds calm like mine." 9 times out of 10 just making that statement works. If she continues I follow up with "bummer, looks like you need a little bedroom time and take her to her room either by leading her by the hand or picking her up and carrying her if she resists. I don't say anything further otherwise she tries to argue with me or pull me in to her fit. To this I respond over and over. "Sorry, I love you too much to argue, we will talk when your voice sounds like mine. "

Our timeout rules are that as soon as the behavior is over they can come out on their own. If she comes out and still whines, I take her back in her room without saying a single word. She is old enough now that she knows exactly why she has to go back.
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  #10  
April 26th, 2013, 06:11 PM
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Aidan sounds very much like Lily and Sydney. I think Mylene's method is good and trying to find the root cause. I'm pretty certain the whining is a manifestation of frustration. What's causing the frustration is not always obvious though. With us, by the time the whining shows up, he's too frustrated to talk rationally about it, so we usually have to ride it out either by diversion or ignoring and then try to figure out the real problem once he's snapped out of it.

I find it goes in phases, we can have weeks of really good behaviour and minimal issues and then bam, a switch goes off and he goes into a week or two of grumpy pants.

The other thing I have noticed is if he's really anxious for something, he tends to be on less than his usual good behaviour self. The few weeks leading up to Christmas, birthday, vacation, etc... I've started to notice that pattern in the last year, but I haven't figured out how to help him cope with the anxiety/excitement.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kimmiejo View Post
^^that is Sydney and I exactly! the whole situation seems about the same!...I think personality plays a big role, Sam and Sydney are very different personality wise, I have seen it from very early on! Sydney is a perfectionist and she gets that from me. I think that is why we butt heads often, we are just a lot alike...and a bit stubborn, the both of us!

I'll ditto your ditto! Sounds like there is a definite correlation to the perfectionist/type-A personalities. And being that way as their mother's too, probably just exasperates the situation.
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