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I have been having several little issues with my mother. Nothing large but everything kinda adds up and I don't know how to handle it. As some of you know I am an artist. I know it is very early but I got a call from a friend who works at a gallery, the gallery has been very supportive of me. They want me to have my baby shower at the gallery and will help with any details needed. I told them my mom is throwing me the shower and I would pass the info along to her and that I really appreciated the offer. I was RELIEVED because my mom was planning on having the shower at her house. She recently had an elderly cat that passed away who had no control over where he would go to the bathroom and she currently has a 7 year old dog that she never bothered to house train that goes to the bathroom all over the house. So her house reeks. This drives me crazy and embarrasses me because we take such good care of our dogs and her dog has problems and I don't feel that she takes very good care of the dog (that is whole other story). I was originally going to ask her to have it at my house because most of my friends live out here (an hour from her) and I want everyone to see the nursery and I thought I could avoid the whole pee smell thing and the fact that her dog is aggressive and barks at you anytime you move. So when the gallery thing came along I was like YES!! I told her about it and she was like "No". I was like.. "Mom it's perfect! They aren't going to charge us and it is an awesome and large location (because there will be quite a few people invited)" and she was like "We will have it here (at her house)". I responded by saying that I would have wanted to have it at my house if we couldn't have it at the gallery because most of the people who would be invited (all my friends at work) live right around me. She said that it is not traditional for me to have any say in my shower and that chances are my friends at work would throw me a shower themselves and wont be invited to her shower. These are the people I see all the time and I am very close too. I was talking to some of them at lunch last week and they were all like "Wait.. we had not planned to do anything here yet (I really wouldn't expect them too) but even if we did we want to be invited to the big shower!" She is basically planning a shower that is JUST her friends and my best friend. So it is a shower more for her then me. Am I being a brat?
She also is getting under my skin by saying things like "Your kids will have their own rules at my house." And when I respond saying something like "As long as it doesn't interfere with any of our important rules.. like what they are allow to watch on TV or eat, etc" she is like "we'll see". Stuff like bedtime I don't care about. We will need her to watch the kids sometimes but don't want to have to worry about what she is allowing them to do. I would rather my kids not drink soda or have sugar or watch tv.. at all really.. they will have plenty to keep them occupied.
When we found out we told her right away. We told her that we didn't want to tell anyone until closer to the 2nd trimester.. somewhere between 10 and 12 weeks. She would call me several times a week to ask if she could tell people.. people that I wanted to tell (like my grandmother). I had to sit her down and say that I wanted to get the chance to tell the family when I was ready. If I had not done that she would have told everyone and I wouldn't have gotten the chance to experience anyone's excitement.
I guess she is just excited but it is all driving me crazy!
For goodness sakes of course you should have a say! If she balks over that because its non-traditional, well guess what? Traditionally it should have been a surprise! You have got to put your foot down now or it will be 10X's harder when the baby is here. If the shower is to celebrate you, then you should be happy with it. Plus, I don't know anyone who doesn't write out their own guest list and give it to whomever is planning the shower. this is my first but all of my friends who have already BTDT had a say in who was invited cause you don't want anyone to be offended/ left out. Good luck sweetie but my advice is to tell your mother what you want and that's the way it will be (then blame it on the hormones).
put your foot down! If she acts like that now then you know what shell act like when the babys here. My mother is like that also everything is her decision. Tell her if she doesn't want to compromise you'll throw your own baby shower. Tradition or not, tradition is not really like that anymore. Some men even go to baby showers now!!
__________________ *~*Mommy to Chase Alexander 4/16/07 & Sienna Skye 10/2/09*~*
You are all right.. I am just now sure how I am going to do it yet. I guess I have time. I hate to hurt her feelings and I usually avoid any confrontation possible. I have already had to put my foot down on some things it just seems like a constant battle. We were talking about how if it is a boy he is going to be a little football player (we both love football and live in a very country area where all little boys play football) and she was like "no grandson of mine is playing football!!". I told her that my kids will play any sports they want. She fought me on it for 30 minutes and still brings it up. I keep saying that it is safe and if they want to they will play. We keep having little battles like this...
It will be a long time for battles. We live with my mom and if she watches them she just lets them run ramped while she has them. But, it's just a mom thing. Eventually she will break down, hopefully, and just have your shower at the gallery. I think that was a nice gesture of them! And if that is where everyone is I would just have the party there. Ugh...what can you do to change her mind?
Crystal, I think you need to put your foot down now...things will only get worse if you don't. Your mother needs to get it through her head LOUD AND CLEAR that this is YOUR child, not hers. She had her time to do with you and your siblings (if you have any) what she wanted.
My MIL is JUST like that and says that she will do what she wants with Cohen when he is with her. We moved out of state to make sure that never happens. She hasn't been alone with him, and God forbid that he ever need to be. Her poor judgement scares the living daylights out of me and I want my son to see her as little as possible. He does not need to be influenced in that way. Sorry for the threadjack, it really hit home.
The one thing I've learned from my MIL is exactly what not to do. I want to be supportive of my child's decisions, and make sure that I let THEM make up their own minds.
I'm not sure how to make her change her mind. I guess I just need to talk to her but it stresses me out. DH says he going to put his foot down on the rule thing. It will help to have him backing me. We are so strict with our dogs (no people food, limited dog treats, etc), it is all for their own good and they have great lives and are spoiled rotten but it drives her crazy, so I can't imagine how she will be when our kids are not allowed to watch TV or have candy or soda... but there are reasons for every decision we make so it not like we are arbitrarily making up rules. At least I will have that to go back at her with.
I guess next time she brings up the shower I will bring up the gallery again. If she says no.. I will say that someone else will throw the shower then. We will see how it goes.
It's your shower and you should get what YOU want. As selfish as that sounds- it's time to be selfish! You're bringing a baby into this world, it's the celebration of that baby, so you should be comfortable.
If she isn't going to invite any of your friends, what the heck is the point?
You could always have two showers. One for your friends at the gallery and let her have a shower with her friends in the stinky pee house at her place.
Good luck. I imagine it will be very difficult but IMO it's important to put your foot down early. It sounds like this will just be the beginning of the "baby battles" and she needs to know you're serious. Lots of ((hugs)). I hope she remembers that this is YOUR day and your baby's day.