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Am I a Bad friend?? ( way o/t)


Forum: 2009 Playroom

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  #1  
April 17th, 2009, 02:38 PM
BellaBellski's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Ugh! I am so frustrated right now I don't know what to do. A friend of mine has an 8 month old baby with her boyfriend who she loves dearly, but he cheats on her ALL The time. He goes out drinking with his friends every weekend, always leaving her at home and has confessed to cheating 3 times (the last time she found out first and he confessed after she told him she knew). How many times he's really cheated on her is unknown. Anyway, my sister is friends with her too and just nods and smiles and goes along with whatever my friend says. She says she'll support any decision she makes because that's what good friends do....I don't buy that. I can't - don't know how - to support my friend through this over and over when she keeps letting it happen to herself!! She's never broken up with him for more than 24 hours and then he turns it around on her so that SHE's begging him to come back!! I just feel like this is self destructive behavior - like an addiction would be - and to support her doing it again and again is being a BAD friend not a GOOD friend. In my opinion a bad friend just sits by and says yay you love him! yay you're back with him! A Good friend says no..what are you thinking? ..... Am I wrong??
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  #2  
April 17th, 2009, 02:43 PM
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I am with you and have lost a few friends with the same dilemma..
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  #3  
April 17th, 2009, 02:56 PM
fishysticks's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by little duckie View Post
I am with you and have lost a few friends with the same dilemma..
it's a lose lose situation unfortunately. Most friends won't listen, too wrapped up in their relationship and sadly just get mad when you tell them the truth- but I feel like telling the truth is better than letting them sit in a crappy situation like that
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  #4  
April 17th, 2009, 03:07 PM
monica8's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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If she's a good friend of yours and you cant handle what she's doing to herself, just stay out of it. I'm a pretty blunt person when it comes to friends, so I would prob say "you know how I feel about that, so I'm staying out of it" or something like that when she starts bringing it up or complaining about it. Maybe you can distance yourself from her relationship, without changing your friendship too much. If she comes around ever, she might appreciate that you were honest with her (but didn't attack her for it or anything). I was in a similar situation as you. I know it sucks to watch someone you care about do something dumb, but everyone has to go down their own path, even if it makes no sense. I hope she sees the light soon!
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  #5  
April 17th, 2009, 03:09 PM
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I agree. That behavior is going turn around and bite you in the butt if you act like its ok. I think a good friend would tell me "hey I can't be your firend if you are going to continually get yourslef hurt by staying with this guy". Leave it at that. Unfortunately you may lose a friend but if she were truly your friend she would understand that you are only trying to help her. Good luck. I hope it works out for you and her.
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  #6  
April 17th, 2009, 03:22 PM
*Crystal*'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I do not think you are a bad friend. I agree that a good friend would want what is best for her friend and not just what this friend seems to think she needs. I was in a pretty unhealthy relationship in high school (we were together most of my high school career), he was horrible. He never cheated but would treat me like I was worthless. I wouldn't leave him and to this day I do not know why. Anyways, I had a friend who was always telling me I needed to get out of the relationship and it would really piss me off. Finally she said "You need to end it with him or I am not going to be around you. I can't see him treat you like this and you act like nothing is wrong" and she did as she said. We broke up around 6 months later and once I was clear minded and really looked back I called her and we reconnect. She is one of my best friends to this day. She was the only one who stood up for me. That is how I look at it now at least. She told me how it was and didn't act like my other friends who saw it and acted like nothing was wrong. So if you are brutally honest with her you might loose her at first but it might take that jolt to make her see that she deserves better.
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  #7  
April 17th, 2009, 03:30 PM
xoleaxo's Avatar Veteran
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i don't think you're a bad friend... however, if she doesn't want to help herself, what can you do? definitely voice your opinion of him to her.. she can do what she wants with it. either way, i think that she still deserves your support and hopefully she'll eventually see the light!
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  #8  
April 17th, 2009, 03:38 PM
Peytonsmomma
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maybe she is desperate for his attention and is to scared to be without him
like another person wrote maybe you can distance yourself from her
and once you do your eyes will also open up to this friendship and maybe see how unhealthy it is for your own relationship at home stuff like that can be very unhealthy for anyone's life
i have a friend who is strung out on drugs but i refuse to be around b/c i don't want to be drug into her mess
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  #9  
April 17th, 2009, 03:52 PM
hoping4more
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a good friend will tell you what you dont want to hear. though you dont need to go overboard... i guess its a fine line. i was in a relationship that was kind of similar when i was 17... though we didnt have any children... but sometimes you can just get brainwashed into thinking it really is all your fault, and many otehr crazy things. actually i went trough 2 relationships like that. it doesnt start out that way its a slow process. unfortunately its just going to take time for her to hopefully realize whats really going on, and that it isnt a healthy relationship. it is probably very difficult because she has his child... it may seem frustrating now to you, cause you have a better perspective then she does, shes blind to whats going on.... sorry to hear your in that situation.
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  #11  
April 17th, 2009, 05:13 PM
~Paula~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Well, that's a tough situation. I think I'd tell her my opinion and then stay out of it. If she continues the same routine over and over, just tell her she knows how you feel. Hopefully she'll wise up and move on. I would remind her to use protection, before he gives her an STD.
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  #12  
April 18th, 2009, 12:48 AM
jhappy36's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I guess I'm a fence sitter in a way because I feel like there's a way to let her know how you feel and that it upsets you to see how he treats her repeatedly and that you love her and want her to be happy and to be really loved and respected...

But I think you can still be supportive of a friend even if you don't agree with their decisions.

To me, I just think with friendship being there when that friend finally decides to leave for good is so much better than giving up on him/her. Does that make sense. Kind of like being the soft place for her to land maybe actually giving her a better chance of staying out of the relationship?

It's sad that she's settling for less than she deserves. Does she feel like she can't get any better?

Good luck dealing with the frustration you're feeling. I'm sure you'll figure out what is right for you and your friendship.
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  #13  
April 18th, 2009, 06:20 PM
Snowpeas
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I've had several friendships like that. I always tried to be supportive but it gets very hard after awhile to watch the continuous cycle. It's very emotionally wearing to watch a friend go through that, be so upset and unhappy, leave him, then go back to him, be so in love, and then repeat.

I tell them I'm not in their situation and they need to decide what they want to live with and what's best for them but that it is too hard on me to watch them go through the continual circle. I've had to back off of several friendships because of this but I just couldn't handle it anymore.
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  #14  
April 20th, 2009, 04:43 AM
drewbears's Avatar Mom to 8 AWESOME kids!
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I feel very sorry for her and her child! WHy on earth would you wanna stick around and do that to yourself and your baby.

But you know... you can be a friend and say really you should think about leaving... but talk doesn't do much. People only see what they want to see.
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