[(Mayhem)]

I am not good at motivating myself or encouraging myself but sometimes it is easier to write an account of my days and that is what these will be. I need to make something happen for myself, some changes in the way I operate my life and this is the time I am going to make things happen. These changes will result in weightloss, happiness and just plain more confindence in my life

Anyone and everyone can post things in here to encourage, support and motivate me. I love you ladies and you have helped with a lot and it always helps me to feel like I have people behind me.
I am doing this!!!!!

[(Mayhem)]

As far as making healthy choice today has been a mess! I have made all the wrong choices and it feel awful to do it and all this negetive thoughts raced through my head as I kept on eating. Lunch was a burger and onion rings - bad! Breakfast was french bread with garlic spread - bad. Dinner I will try to get come veggies in to try and ease my mind.

I am getting stuck in that old familar rut where I just stop caring and then have a melt down because I hate where I am. I know everyone has bad days so I am trying to take this in stride.

Today we went to the mall to buy a new vaccum and to just walk around because I am getting in to that habit of only wearing track pants and grubby t-shirts and not caring about how I look. I try to watch for warning signs in myself as to when I am falling into a pit I don't want to be in. when I go out I try to look as nice as I can, even if it is just down the street, because I feel I can trick people into thinking I am happy.

I feel like I am whining but not achieving and I hate being THAT person. I can't even type the words "I'm trying" because I am not.

I am a believer that a positive attutide will spawn positive reactions but it is hard to be positive when I feel like this. Maybe it is the weather, or lack of sleep or just lack of motivation but whatever it is it feels like a lack of.... basically everything. I hate being in this place.

I am typing in here because I have to get it out and this is pretty much the only place that I can without being critised. Back when I frist got pregnant with my first baby I remember laughing as the numbers on the scale went up. I laughed at how I gained 10lbs every two weeks and didn't care...that was because I didn't think or do the math. At the end I gained 80lbs and had a 7lb baby.....and the weight never left and is now stuck to my hips, stomach and butt as a constant reminder of my stupidness. I didn't think it would stay, I ate stuff that I should not have, in quantities that would not even have been acceptable if I was eatting for 8. At the momment of relization I broke down in tears and mourned my past, mourned for the lifestyle I had put to death. This might sound overly dramatic but it is true. I feel like I have lived two different life times, the time before meeting my now husband, the time before having children, the time when I was 120lbs and thought I was fat...and now where I sit above 190lbs and I cry about the way I and others see me. I can't wear the clothing I want to, or the clothing my dh wants me to. I feel like a whale.

I say a lot of things to myself that I would never utter out loud and I wonder if my dh has the same words floating around in his head, I know he wants me to lose weight but that is more in the sense that he knows I am unhappy the way I am now.
I don't hate me, I hate the way I look.

[(Mayhem)]

I suck......very very very much so....and now I have regrets.....

Today was awful on the path to weight loss!!!! I can blame it on being sleep deprived, being at the fall fair, on having junk in the house........on the weather....on the fact that cookies were on sale...

But it come down to this...... ZERO WILLPOWER

OMG I was horrible today, I had a candy apple, cookies (lots of cookies :s) Coke, way toooooo much coffee and in the long run I don't think I had an actual meal today even though my children did.

But..... today is over.... and I am determined to make tomorrow better. At this time tomorrow I am DARING myself to be able to post in here saying I was good today. That I ate three meals and no junk food. I am not making a long term commitment, I am just focusing on tomorrow!

And then Monday is Turkey day sooooo all bets are off.... LOL But I will TRY to be good! I promise.