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My best friend from college just had her second miscarriage in less than a year. She was pregnant last October and it was eptopic and now she just lost the second one. This time she got to see the little heartbeat flicker and we were so sure it was going to happen this time. She takes prenatals and what not, eats right. I'm so sad today, and I just don't know what to say to her. Is there anything you really can say? I just struggle because I have a healthy baby boy and I don't know how much to say or not to say.
I guess this is more of a just getting it out there kind of thing, but wow! I'm not sure I can even handle if she has another one...I don't mean that to sound selfish, but I feel so sorry for her and my heart just sinks. The worst part is she went to her appt. alone today...she found out this hearbreaking news all alone
I wish I had an answer for you. It's such a hard situation. I mean, I've had 2 miscarriages myself, and I still don't know how to respond to a situation like that other than to say I'm sorry and be there as a friend. Poor girl. And I know what you mean when you say you can't handle her having another one. It's just so hard to see a friend hurting like that.
It's such a horrible thing to go through, and I think because it's so common, people who haven't been through it don't always realize how devastating it is to go through. Time is really what heals something like that. Just let her know you're there for her if she wants to talk about it...that's what helped me. And reassure her that things will get better!
ITA with Katie. I had a pretty similar situation myself (miscarriage #1 and ectopic #2 - James is pregnancy #3). It was very difficult for my friends to know what to say, and like Stacy, even having been through it, I can't really tell you what you should do or say. Just let her cry. How horrible she was alone. I know that feeling all too well.
I can't even imagine.... my SIL lost her first baby and it was so hard. I would think that with all the tough things in life.... it not so important what you say but just being there for her. I'm so very sorry for her and for you because you obviously are hurting for her.
I'm so sorry for your friend. Everybody deals with it in their own way. When I had my 3 losses (in a 9 month span in 2006 after 7yrs of infertility) I wanted to feel like I could talk about it if I chose instead of act like I'm okay. Be honest with her though. If it's something you don't think you can handle than don't make the offer to be her sounding board.
Don't ignore her though. Be prepared for her to withdraw from you though. Not because of anything you did but because it could hurt to be around your baby. It took me over 9yrs and having Mak before I could even attend somebody's baby shower.
I know this sounds silly but maybe you could send her a card. They carry miscarriage cards now at Hallmark. It might seem like nothing but for her it could speak volumes since I'm sure everybody else won't really recognize her pain. I still have the few cards and the roses that somebody sent me. It made me feel like I wasn't the only person who remembered I carried a baby for a short time.
You're a kind friend to even ask the question. Many just brush it off and hope somebody just gets over it and back to normal.
My sister just had her 1st m/c earlier this month and my heart's breaking for her too.
Actions speak louder than words. Just being there will speak volumes.
However, there are a few things you probably shouldn't say:
* It was for the best
* At least you know you can get pg
* You'll have another baby
* It just wasn't the right time
* Maybe it was nature's way of ensuring you only having a healthy baby
* Everything happens for a reason
Location: California, Thank you military for sending us back home
I don't think there is a right thing to say when this happens. When I went trhough mine i just needed someone to talk to even if they didn't unerstand what I was going through. I didn't have a lot of support and wish I had. And the list of things to not say Nicole wrote are the things i was gonna say. Unforunatly I got those a lot. I'm sorry for your friends losses. It's very hard. I pray for strength for you all during this rough time.
first off im very sorry for your friend and for you,i can tell you care alot about her by reading your post.HUGS...as far as what to say,unless you have lost a child NEVER say "i know" just be honest< tell her you dont know how she feels and you dont know what to do or say but you will be there for her no matter what...that right there means more than anything!!!and please dont shut your friend out,that hurts alot when you need someone but theres nobody there.just be a friend- a good ear and a good shoulder to cry on.i hope shes ok and i pray she gets her little one soon.
I agree with what the others have said. Sometimes there isn't anything to say. I know when I had my miscarriage, it helped to talk about it and just cry to my friends. The "It was for the best", "It just wasn't meant to be" comments hurt so bad. You'd never ever say that to someone if a child passed away, and a miscarriage is/can be just as traumatic. The nurse at the hospital gave me a booklet, and it talked about how the grieving process is the same for miscarriage as it is for death, but not many people realize it, and finding a good support system is very important. It really helped to read it. I think I literally laid in bed for 5 days and cried and didn't eat.
When I had my loss, I had a friend who was due the same day as I. It was hard for her to deal with and she didnt know what to say. She ultimately stopped talking to me until after her son was born. In the same note, I have also had friends who have been thru losses and I never know what to say. I know nothing makes it better or takes the pain away.
Thanks ladies...this girl has just had a rough past year! After she had her first miscarriage she got a dog and the dog died a few weeks later...her car was stolen and crashed in a corn field and that was more drama....Anyway, it's just been a rough year and I always struggle with what to say. Good think is, she bounces really good. She is a very funny girl and not to say these issues don't bring her down a lot, she always finds something positive in it.
She is comforted in hearing God has a plan for her. She officially miscarried yesterday, but had lingering hope that there was a mistake. The doctors office called and said her HCGs weren't going down and if she didn't bleed she needed to come in. Well she did end up cramping and bleeding so I guess that's good, if thereis such a word in this situation.
I told her she could call me and cry if she needed to, but she just text messaged every detail of losing it. That's fine with me, if she felt she needed to grieve that way.