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What would you do?


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  #1  
February 25th, 2010, 07:40 PM
fishysticks's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I posted this in Holden's PR originally but NO ONE responded, and i'm really curious what someone would do in my situation!

I'm going to C&P the majority of this from my blog, but add more at the bottom:

What do you do, what do you say when you find out the person you think is the absolute least capable and responsible of ever being able to care for a child on their own gets pregnant? Do you keep your mouth shut? Or lie and pretend to be happy for them?
One thing I have NEVER been able to do is gloss over a situation I disapprove of. I don't think i'm actually capable of being happy for this person because of how they've acted in the past and how completely irresponsible of a life they've always lead. I realize that some people can change their ways when presented with this kind of situation.. but I don't see that happening. And it's not like this girl has been an active participant in my life since I gave birth to Holden. Just in and out as she pleased, and didn't even bother congratulating me on Parker or even saying a WORD to me since I was a few months pregnant. I guess I sort of answered my own question: if she doesn't even act like she gives a flying fart about my life, why say anything about hers? I'm just very protective over children even when they aren't my own, and I worry about the welfare of her impending baby even if she doesn't care about mine. I can't help but to wonder if she'll change, and all the people in her life are just sycophants and probably won't give her any REAL useful advice. I probably just won't say anything.. but if she does happen to say something to me I won't exactly be able to hide my disapproval and concern. Maternal instinct at its finest.

Now, this girl USED to be my best friend. She was a bridesmaid at my wedding. But she is a HUGE flake. She flip flops between friends, flip flops between caring about my life and not caring..
She is the one who I let babysit Holden when he was 4 months old and WOKE HIM UP at midnight just to play with him instead of letting him sleep like any rational person.
I know motherhood comes mostly from instinct.. but she seems to have none. She seems to think babies are just playthings, and NO ONE ever gives her a dose of reality. I don't even know if anyone will tell her that she CAN NOT have a vaginal birth because she has HPV.
If I were still close to her I think I would feel obligated to GIVE her that dose of reality, but we're not close anymore because she hasn't cared about me our my kids or my life in a long time. I just worry about that baby and the people that surround her not telling her how it really is..or that while she's committed to this now, and that's great- she wasn't even IN a relationship until she found out she was pregnant. SOMEONE should worry about her and instead they're all cheering her on. it worries me.

Would you say anything or keep your mouth shut and let her go on in her blissfully unaware state of mind when she's in a serious situation?
It's going to bother me regardless!
I recently removed her from my FB because she's been so disinterested in my life that it angers me and I really am sick of her going ON AND ON about this baby conceived with someone she hardly knows and they're ALREADY buying pink stuff.. and she's only 7 weeks pregnant! GRR! it makes me mad.
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  #2  
February 25th, 2010, 08:02 PM
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I would just let it be, but that is me and if I wanted to say something I would say it casualy like you better get all the rest you can now before that baby comes and keeps you up all night. That is just me though, I think you should do what you think is right
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  #3  
February 25th, 2010, 08:05 PM
fishysticks's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I have no idea what is right, that's the problem! If she had people to keep her in check I think it would be one thing, but from all the comments on her FB everyone is acting like this is the second coming of Jesus. Seriously. No one's giving it to her anywhere NEAR the spectrum of reality. And that bugs me the most. I wouldn't be so bothered if someone were saying "hey.. maybe you should take it down a notch so early in your pregnancy.. babies aren't all fun and games" but NO ONE is doing that.
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  #5  
February 25th, 2010, 08:13 PM
fishysticks's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mommy2boys0809 View Post
Or refer her to this site, i am sure there are a bunch of honest people who will knock her down a few notches

haha so true! good idea
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  #7  
February 25th, 2010, 09:08 PM
jesicaRN
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IDK, toughy. I would probably just ignore it if I wasn't close to a friend like that anymore. I mean why worry and put so much effort into someones life to seems to be clueless (easier said than done, I know). I do see why this would be upsetting but the truth is reality is gonna knock her down at some point...if not now then when the baby comes. Maybe if you feel like timing is right say something...if not just entertain us with her stupidity!!! lol jk jk
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  #8  
February 25th, 2010, 09:16 PM
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I agree with Vesta..women have babies vaginally every day with HPV...

I'm not sticking up for her(I don't know her) but there are people that change when they have to (I have seen it with my own eyes)... and there are some that do not. Even if she doesn't stay with this guy who knocked her up, it doesn't mean she would be less of a mom either..but only time will tell if she will or not. She will see her foolish ways eventually...like when she probably finds out she is having a boy, lol...In all reality, the only thing you can do is hope for the best, give her your advice or opinion if you disagree with someting and she asks for it, and if the baby truly is in harms way after she gives birth...then call child services...they will find someone who will love that baby unconditionally and take care of it. There is little that can be done now, this baby is on its way and even though it's hard to look at the bright side of the situation...take everyday as it comes. If you feel so strongly about her coming in and out of your life, then another option is to leave hers and ask her not to come back in the next time she leaves...
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Last edited by MrsSteele; February 25th, 2010 at 09:40 PM.
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  #9  
February 25th, 2010, 09:36 PM
*Hayley*
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I'm not sure I'd say a thing to her unless she spoke to me. Like you said, she's in and out of people's lives as often as the weather changes. If you see her doing something harmful to the baby, report her, besides that I'd leave her to her family and sperm donor. Maybe the guy has half a brain to be able to care for the baby.
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  #10  
February 25th, 2010, 09:54 PM
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I agree with the PP...HPV infects up to 50% of sexually active women have hpv at some point in there life(cdc.gov)... so i don't see why she can't have a vaginal birth...hpv is different the hsv(genital herpes) where if she were having an outbreak she wshouldn't have a vaginal birth...

as far what to say to her, i personally would not say anything unless she opens it up for you in conversation. i don't know her but it seems like she has some growing up to do. i had my oldest ay 17 years and that made me open my eyes to reality...
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  #11  
February 25th, 2010, 10:12 PM
MrsSarah1's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I think one thing about being a mommy is learning to accept women that are just becoming a mommy.

I remember when I was pregnant with Charly. I wanted all the best nursery stuff and I wanted the 3D ultrasound and I was obsessed.. completely obsessed!!! My pregnancy was all that I thought about. I had hours of video of her kicking in my belly, and when she was born.. thousands of pictures of her first and now second year.

Then I got pregnant with Peyton. I was very casual with my pregnancy. When I came here, everyone was posting about their nursery patterns at barely 8 weeks along, what names do you have picked out, what car seat, every kick and vomit fest, craving and aversion.

I did it. You did it. We all did it. We were all obsessed with our pregnancy. Then the baby was born.. and the 5 second pregnancy seemed so completely irrelevant to the all night scream fests and first smiles. Every second of our day is spent thinking about, caring about and loving our LO. Nothing compared to carrying around an extra 30 pounds as that 30 pounds didn't scream, cry, pee, poop, smile, roll over and take up every ounce of love we have.

When a newly pregnant mom is all giddy and obsessive I want so bad to say "Hey, you don't know what it's going to be like. You'll never love something so much. Your heart will physically hurt when they cry. You will spend the first 4 weeks surviving on 3 hours of sleep and cat naps and my god, wait until the get the stomach flu!!!" but you can't really. You have to just nod and smile and agree that Noah's Ark would be the PERFECT theme for her nursery (even though the baby could care less if Noah and his flock are on walls).

This girl is truly one of many. And we were all at one point, one of that many.

This girl will likely very much change once the baby is born. We all know the difference between "me" and "mommy".. how can you not change?

But basically what I'm getting at is remember to be empathetic towards first time pregnant girls and new moms. We were there once too and acted just like they did.
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  #12  
February 25th, 2010, 10:13 PM
Adriana's Mommy's Avatar I <3 my kids
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This is a tough one.. Since she was your best friend..

You know her personality, you should use your gut feeling and go from there.. If she's open to what you think, I'd say go for it.. If she's always putting walls, I'd leave it alone..
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  #13  
February 26th, 2010, 06:11 AM
~Paula~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Yeah, she can have a vaginal birth with HPV.

I've got to say, I knew a few people who I thought would be HORRIBLE parents and it turned out, they are really good ones.
A guy I dated I could NEVER imagine as a father, let alone a good one, an active one. His family were all weird and seriously commitable and I could NO WAY see him having kids being a good thing.
Just ran into the other day, he's got 5 kids. 3 of which are SEVERELY special needs, feeding tubes, 5 years physically but 6 months mentally, etc... and HE is the SAHD! He's wonderful with them, loving and would do anything for them.
Some people can shock you. I learned think it's unfair to judge before giving them a chance. It's different when it's your own baby.
So no, I wouldn't give her anything but positive support and if you can't do that, do nothing.
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Last edited by ~Paula~; February 26th, 2010 at 07:00 AM.
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  #14  
February 26th, 2010, 06:57 AM
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i had hpv (latest test was negative woo hoo!) and i had a vaginal birth.

i was the party girl with no care in the world until i found out that i was pregnant. even at the ripe old age of 30 i was living for me and only me. i was in bars every night and slept till 2pm every day. i know that when i got pregnant people were saying the same things about me. i hardly knew the guy that i was knocked up by and no one could imagine me as a parent. i even had a "friend" say as much as that to me. but here i am now doing the best that i can. everything that i do i do for this child (whom i am currently nursing so excuse the lack of capitalization and poor grammar please) i can't imagine how i ever got along in this world without her. even with the all night scream fests and the teething starting at 8 weeks old and the constant spit up and the blow out diapers. i wouldn't trade it for anything. one little smile makes it all worth it. i used to say i wasn't responsible enough to own a goldfish but here i am a loving, patient, doting mother. the girl you're talking about could do it too. stranger things have happened.

so, no, i don't think you should say anything to her. she is probably terrified even if she's not showing it and she is for sure hormonal as heck. she doesn't need negativity right now. she needs support and love and kindness.

i guess i'm going to fall back on my favorite old adage: if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all.
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  #16  
February 26th, 2010, 07:08 AM
CriscoNinja
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I would just keep quiet unless she approached me, but its tough if she used to be your best friend...

And I agree with some of the PP some people will really surprise you about parenthood. It's such a kick in the face, some people rise to the occasion and others don't. Hopefully she will rise...
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  #17  
February 26th, 2010, 08:11 AM
fishysticks's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vmarie4 View Post
why cant she have a vaginal birth? HPV is so very common and people give birth vaginally every day with HPV.
if you have the kind that gives you genital warts, then no, you can't. Guess who has that kind?

I'm not asking anyone to tell ME what to do. I already said i'd about 99% decided not to say anything because it isn't my place since we really aren't friends anymore. I was asking what you would do if you had someone in your life completely oblivious to reality without anyone to give them even a slight check in the right direction
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  #18  
February 26th, 2010, 08:18 AM
fishysticks's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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She's gone through a lot that you think would make her grow up. The HPV and subsequent warts you'd think would be a kick in the face but she just kept sleeping around and getting kicked out of her moms house and moving back in over and over. Nothing seems to click with this girl- and though we aren't close i'm not the type to just stop caring, I just wish i'd at least gotten a soft nudge of reality before having Holden. I certainly never thought he'd have reflux and would scream for 7 hrs a night. It would have been nice for at least a LITTLE warning from someone who cared enough to say something other than "OMG PINK BOOTIES! I CANT WAIT TO BUY YOU PINK BABY CLOTHES!" (again, she's 7 weeks pregnant).
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  #19  
February 26th, 2010, 08:20 AM
SusieQ2's Avatar Jersey Girl
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You can have a vaginal birth even if you have the kind with genital warts as long as you aren't currently having an outbreak. Genital warts can come and go. If there aren't any present you can have a vaginal birth.

I absolutely wouldn't say anything. Even as her friend (even though it doesn't sound like you are good friends anymore) it is not your place to say anything. Her getting pregnant and what she does is really none of your business. Now if she were doing things to endanger her pregnancy or to endanger the child once it's born then I could understand being concerned. But just because you think she MIGHT not be a good parent doesn't mean she won't be and it kind of sucks that you have no faith in her. It's hard to have faith and confidence in yourself when no one else seems to.
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  #20  
February 26th, 2010, 08:21 AM
ThatGirl's Avatar Rawr.
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HPV and Pregnancy

Quote:
Sometimes the warts can get so large that they block the birth canal making a vaginal birth impossible. If this happens, a caesarean section is usually needed to deliver the baby. This is done for the safety of the baby and the comfort of the mother. If the baby were to be born through a birth canal blocked with warts, excessive bleeding could occur when the baby’s head put pressure on the warts. Excessive bleeding puts the mother’s health at risk, and might increase the chance of the baby getting infected with the HPV virus.

Women who have small genital warts in their birth canals can often still have a safe vaginal delivery. The risk of bleeding is low. The chance of the HPV infection spreading to the baby is also extremely low, at 0.04 percent. This means only about 300 babies in the United States are infected each year from their mothers’ birth canals.
it may be possible for her to still have a vaginal birth.
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