do as I say, not as I do

Quantum_Leap · #1 January 29th, 2012, 10:48 PM

I know that the #1 best strategy in parenting is modeling. If we want our LO's to say "please" and "thank you," then we're supposed to say "please" and "thank you." If we want them to say "I'm sorry," then we're supposed to say "I'm sorry." etc. But how do you handle it when the expectations for behavior are fundamentally different for you than they are for your LO, simply because of your respective roles? How do you explain this to your LO?

Recently, I had a talk with Charlie after he said some hurtful things about how he didn't love his little brother etc. (He's been experimenting with doing this lately -- telling each of us that he doesn't love us, that he doesn't like us, etc.) I told him "I don't like it when I hear you say those mean words. It makes me feel sad." Then, later on in the day, he was asking for a cookie for a snack, and I told him that he couldn't have one. Without missing a beat, he responded back to me "I don't like it when you say those mean words to me." I asked him what he meant, and he said "I don't like it when you tell me I can't have a cookie."

THEN, we had to have another talk about how my words weren't mean words, they were "teaching words," and I was allowed to say them because I was his mommy. But I really don't think he bought it.

How do you handle this? How do you, for example, teach your LO that sometimes when they ask for something from you, you're going to say "No," but that when you tell them to do something, they're not allowed to say "No." How do you explain that their requests are just requests, but your requests are sometimes orders?

Alexa5 · #2 January 30th, 2012, 04:57 AM

He does sound like he is trying to be a bit tricky with you :-) ha ha

I think he knows there is a difference between the discipline that needs to happen when he says hurtful things (they know they are doing it, at least I think so), and when you say he can't have a cookie. At this age, they really are trying to find their way, and a bit of manipulation comes with it, I think.

You did the right thing by explaining the difference--not sure what else you can do., other than what you are--keep being firm on the important things so he knows you are serious.

babyDamico · #3 January 30th, 2012, 05:41 AM

what a great question.... wish I had the answer!!!

Payton does the same thing... she told me this morning that i was "not being a good listener" because she wanted cake for breakfast and I told her she could have cereal or yogurt..

Zoostergirl · #4 January 30th, 2012, 07:59 AM

It's not funny, but I just have to laugh.

Molly can you do FB in China? A GREAT parenting article has been shared a lot on there. Here's the link: Glennon Melton: Don't Carpe Diem

Just stick with it and laugh as much as you can. Charlie is a very smart little boy who is going through a lot recently with a move and a needy younger brother. I know you're doing an awesome job!

P.S. My favorite is when I yell at my kids at the top of my voice, "Stop yelling!"

Alexa5 · #5 January 30th, 2012, 08:57 AM

Someone sent me that article last week :-) That is totally how I am--I am so not one to over-glorify parenting on a regular basis. ha ha.

KrystalB · #6 January 30th, 2012, 04:32 PM

Oh Molly that sure is tricky! I honestly have no advice! Charlie is really trying to figure out the world and I think you're doing an awesome job helping him. Hopefully he'll get it in time.

Littlelamb09 · #7 January 31st, 2012, 07:56 AM

I always just tell Jason "you do not tell mommy and daddy no" and he usually stops. Jason has been doing a lot of talking back lately though when we tell him to do something he will go "you do it" and i think its because he would see dh and I joking with eachother like that but he has taken it to a whole other level. The only thing I can do is tell him not to talk like that and if he continues he gets time out.....he gets it a lot lol

Quantum_Leap · #8 February 8th, 2012, 06:54 AM

Well, I'm starting to realize that one of the reasons Charlie has tantrums so often might be that I have them pretty often myself.

He really watches everything I do like a hawk. I have to keep reminding myself of that and try to exercise more self-restraint when I get frustrated.

The other day, we went to the zoo (just me, Charlie, and Beau -- DH stayed home), and we had only been there for maybe 45 minutes when we decided to stop and have lunch. But we couldn't find any restaurant within the zoo, and we were wandering around, and we accidentally walked out of the exit. When we tried to go back in, the lady at the gate wouldn't let us in because apparently the tickets here are for single-entry only. (Which I hadn't realized, because the writing on the ticket was in Chinese). I was trying to explain our situation to the lady, but obviously there was a language barrier, and I got really frustrated. When she told me we couldn't come in, I said "Are you serious!?" Then, we left to go try to find a security guard who might be more sympathetic. As we walked away, Charlie turned to me and said "Mommy, why did you say 'Are you serious!?' That wasn't a nice thing to say."

All I could do was admit that no, it wasn't, but that mommy got frustrated and said something she shouldn't have.

Gah! How do you manage to stay on your best behavior all of the time? I half-wish that I had a child who was a little bit less perceptive and was willing to let things slide. But he knows what should and shouldn't be said, and he calls me on it if I say something I shouldn't!

Alexa5 · #9 February 8th, 2012, 07:45 AM

That is hard! Nicholas is pretty perceptive too, but he tends to joke with us about what we say rather than take it too seriously. Like if I am frustrated with a driver, and say something out loud, he says it too, but in a joking manner--and then we both laugh.