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Let's see if I'm better at keeping this one up versus my TTCAL journal!
Iím Samantha and DH is Jim, and we are currently 7 weeks pregnant. A little history- we started TTC in February 08, didnít get to serious about it till April when we got married. We got our 1st BFP in June, only to lose that pregnancy at about 6 weeks. We started ttc immediately and got our next BFP in October, I lost that one within the week. My OB went ahead and referred us to a specialist because of my age (37 then), and 2 m/cís. The first appointment was Dec 5.
The specialist almost immediately found a cyst in my uterus that was in the exact wrong place for implantation to occur successfully. He also diagnosed me with Hashimotos Syndrome or Hypothyroidism.
We had to wait till my next period to schedule surgery, and I ended up getting a BFP on Dec 23, but my numbers were mow and dropping. I m/c on Christmas day. They did schedule my surgery for January 14th.
Surgery went great. And the doctor and I convinced DH that we really needed to be proactive about getting pregnant. February was a resetting of my system, then we tried Clomid for 2 cycles with IUI, then in April we switched to injectables with IUI.
I got my BFP this time at 9dpo! Had beta levels drawn every couple of days and they were quadrupling!
My first u/s was on May 14th. We saw two ďblobsĒ. One was measuring perfectly for 5w2dís the other looked like it was deflated. The Dr. called it a vanishing twin. He warned me it could cause me to bleed. But I have not bled at all. I know it is a long shot, but Iím still hoping that when we go in for the u/s tomorrow we will see 2 heartbeats, although I will be very happy with one. I just keep thinking that after three losses I donít want to lose another one, even if I still have one healthy baby. It sounds selfish and greedy, but I want both of my babies. I know vanishing twins is not uncommon, most women donít even know that they were carrying twins, because most donít have early u/s. I do feel very good about this pregnancy over all, as I have never made it to 7 weeks.
OK so Iím not so good at keeping this up.
At my last u/s we did see two hbís!!!! Baby A is measuring about a week behind Baby B. The doctor was not optimistic.
I am being optimistic that my little fighter is just a little late. Itís been a week and I have had no spotting or cramping. My belly is already changing shape and poking out more, I can not wear my clothes without a bella band. DH is now even optimistic that both babies are going to be just fine!
I still check the tp every time I go to the bathroom and if I feel any discharge (which I have had) I feel like running in to make sure.
Looks like Iím just full of contradictions. I am very optimistic that both babies are just fine, but thanks to the doctors pessimistic attitude I still worry. Iíve lost three babies this past year, and I really donít want, and donít think I can handle losing another. But I also never got to see any of their little hbís , and I have been able to see these two.
My next u/s is on the 11th, so one more week till I see my babies again.
Ok- warning some not so nice thoughts this time around. Please donít read if you get offended by non-Christian views
Had an u/s on the 11th. I was scared going in. They went to Baby B (this time they called him/her baby A) and s/he looked great. Waving at us and heart beating away. Then he went to Baby A(this time baby b) and it looked completely different than the other. I was watching so closely to see if I could see any movement. The doctor spent a couple of minutes measuring-seemed like an eternity, till he finally said that fetus B was no longer with us.
In my heart I knew it was coming, but it still very hard to hear. He told us that there appeared to be a deformity, and that it was for the best, because it took any decisions out of our hands.
The positioning of the babies though is the best case scenario. Baby B- now known as Bevis thanks to DH, is positioned closer to the cervix, so I will not miscarry Baby A. Itís a mixed thing for me. Knowing Bevis is perfect and safe, but also knowing that I have to carry Baby A for the remainder of the pregnancy too. I know s/he is very small, and will be expelled during birth, as nothing more than a clot but s/he is still with me.
Iím feeling much better about it, That day was hard, I cried pretty much non-stop, I know I have a better chance of a healthy pregnancy with just one baby. Iím looking forward to being able to really pursue a completely natural birth. And Iím finally getting to the point that I can celebrate my healthy baby. I spent a lot of time really pissed off. The unfairness of having to say goodbye to 4 babies still bothers me. I know other women have had to struggle with more loss, and I am lucky to have one healthy baby, but after all this time, I want both my babies. Iím thankful for my religion through this, because it at least helps me accept nature. Have to say though that it has pushed me further and further away from ever understanding or being able to accept Christianityís view, much to my step-MIL's disappointment.
I am not offended at all. I think you are an amazing strong woman that will be the perfect mom for your baby.
I am having a scare at the moment and it will take until tomorrow before we know anything. Our doctor told us that there is nothing we can do if there would be a miscarriage. It often means the fetus is not developped and not able to live.
It is so nice to read your journal.