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any other 20-something first-time moms scared they will be friendless?


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  #1  
December 4th, 2009, 12:48 PM
Love_the_Shoes's Avatar Love my girls!!
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 4,651


I'm emotional today so I'm sure this isn't helping...

Ever since I got pregnant, I feel so alone in regards to my relationship w/my girlfriends (and hubby's buddies stopped calling him too).

I mean, we understand...we are the first out of our group (which aside from us, is middle 20-somethings, most are single still and def. kid-free) to get pregnant. So we weren't surprised when our phones stopped ringing asking what our plans for the weekend was. But now I'm really worried it will be like this for a very long time.

My birthday is this Sunday and DH is taking me out, but our friends, whom we usually go out w/for b-days aren't going to celebrate with us. They probably think we're old now b/c I'm pregnant.

What if after Aly is born, I find myself friendless? I mean, we keep in touch and we try to get together, but it's not like it was when we weren't pregnant.

Women are always telling me to make sure you have a group of "mom-friends"...but that can't happen until she's older and prob. in school....how am I going to make mom friends when she's 2 years old? I won't be taking her anywhere, where I could meet other moms. AND NONE of my friends are moms are EVEN considering it.

But just my luck---when we (matt and I) are ready to ahve a night off of being a parent and enjoy some adult company, watch, our friends will then be settling down and pregnant...and then we will be what they are now...

I guess I just really miss feeling like a 24 y/o (soon to be 25 in two days)....what happens if Matt and I grow old w/o any companions our own age? I wish I could get away with wearing a t-shirt that says "I'm looking to become friends w/moms, please call me".
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  #2  
December 4th, 2009, 01:12 PM
homeschooling mom of 2
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Location: Jersey Shore, but MI is home
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I think this is a common fear, and reality for many first time moms and even those who already have a child or two. I only ever had a couple girlfriends and mostly guy friends so once I got married that number dropped drastically since who wanted to hang out with the married chick and then one I got pregnant and had my daughter, well I did lose touch with everyone (we also moved to a new state) so I was totally friendless other then my best friend who lives on the other coast (we email and text multiple times a day)... anyways the good news is that many other mom's feel as you do so they are also seeking you out! There are lots of yahoo groups for local mom's clubs (do a search), there are baby classes such as with gymboree or possibly your county where you can sign up with baby and meet other new moms, many hospitals even offer a program that organizes meetings for ladies who deliver the same month etc. Biggest thing is to just get out and force yourself to talk to other ladies (this was always hard for me, I'm really shy) but I promise if you seek them you'll find new friends. Things have gotten harder for me again since my DD is 5 1/2 and her little friends are all in school now (she's homeschooled) and we haven't been able to schedule playdates easily with them since they are busy after school and evenings are tough for everyone... I'm interested to see how it goes once I have this baby since I will also always have my older DD with me "hi can I come to a baby playate, oh and I have my 7yr old too hope that's ok"

Anyways check yahoo, ask at your hospital, and look into some classes once your little one is born
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  #3  
December 4th, 2009, 01:25 PM
KasieH's Avatar Super Mommy
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I pretty much lost contact with my old friends when I got married. That never bothered me. DH and I have always had fun just the two of us. Since we have had kids it has been even more fun. I don't really want to go do things that my kids are not involved in. They just seem to make most everything more fun. I have made other mom friends through them such as their teachers or friend's moms. Everyone is different though. My interests are probably very different than most. I was never the type to go out to lunch with my friends or anything like that anyway.

I agree that if you feel this way there has to be a ton of other moms who are feeling exactly the same. Just get out there and find them.

Good luck!!
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  #4  
December 4th, 2009, 01:25 PM
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Oh wow! I wish I could sympathize with you. I'm 25 but some of my friends have kids already so its not that bad. Esp since my bff is prego with me. I dont hang out as much with my friends in my current area (that dont have kids) but I keep in contact with them and I still make sure that we hang out (i.e. dinner, lunch, etc).
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  #5  
December 4th, 2009, 01:50 PM
TeamNick's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I am sorry to say that things probably will change. It isn't that you won't ever see you friends...you will I promise. However, you most likely will see them a lot less. My DH and I use babysitters and take turns so we still can see our friends but it is not the same. If you want to go out you will need to find a sitter, you need to stay sober so that you can get the sitter home and don't forgot that you can't sleep in the next morning because their will be a little girl smiling in bed waiting for you to play.

You will find new moms to add as your friends. I would check the LLL, online for mommy groups, at your YMCA and the local library for groups

The one thing that I can tell you without a doubt is that it is worth. The joy your family will have with your daughter is going to be worth any loss of a social life.
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  #6  
December 4th, 2009, 01:51 PM
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Yes! I'll be 27 when the Sprout is born, but in CT it's not very common to have kids in your 20s. I also look younger than 27. I'm afraid other moms will think I'm so much younger than them that they won't think of me as a peer
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  #7  
December 4th, 2009, 02:56 PM
crystal22's Avatar Veteran
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Posts: 344
We are the first one in our group to get married and to be pregnant, it's been different but so far we haven't had much change I don't know if that's just because we still go out. We went to a friends house for a party last weekend and I wasn't too thrilled about it but everyone was cool about it. I took sparkling grape juice to drink so I could still play card games.

For us I guess it's still early and I haven't actually been home much since this semester we lived 8 hours apart so I'm sure things will change this winter when I move home for good. We do have one couple who we never really hung out with before because they never wanted to go out but they are married and have a son and so I think we will be hanging out with them a lot and I will probably be talking to her more so my friends will probably be changing but I will have to find some new mom friends since none of mine are even close to having kids
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  #8  
December 4th, 2009, 03:47 PM
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I lost a lot of my friends when I had my oldest (I was 18 when I got pregnant and 19 when I had him) but now I have a different group of friends whom I connect with a lot better because we are in the same stage of life. We still have a lot of single child-less friends, but most of our friends have kids.
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  #9  
December 4th, 2009, 05:20 PM
Racine's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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We have been dealing with that same thing since I got pregnant with my son. It really has made us realize how immature a lot of our friends are.

But, on the other hand, we were able to keep a nice handful of friends who may not quite "get it" yet, but respect the fact that we love having a kid and can still go out and have fun. AND we connect with a whole new group of people now because you suddenly belong to a new club when you're young and have kids

My advice would be, especially once the baby is here, if you don't want to totally lose touch with your friends, don't expect them to be all about the baby (b/c they probably won't be) and maybe go out of your way to do some of the things you enjoyed doing with them before baby (just not nearly as often)....this past summer I finished b/f and we went to an amusement park with a couple friends and went out to a bar afterward, it was nice to show them that just because we have a kid, we're not all boring and dull.
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  #10  
December 4th, 2009, 05:29 PM
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Your friends will definitely lose interest. And though it seems you haven't yet, you will too. It's much harder having friends that don't have kids. It doesn't mean you can't, it just means that you naturally look for people who have things in common with you. Joining in on a prenatal yoga class or birthing class in your area will help connect you with other moms in the area that are pregnant too, and they will probably become some of your best friends.
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  #11  
December 4th, 2009, 06:30 PM
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I was the first of my friends to have kids. None of them have kids now either, but a few are TTC. DH's friends don't have kids yet either.

I ended up going on meetup.com and searching for playgroups in the area. I found a great one and have really bonded with about 6 of the moms in the group who have kids right around Lily's age. I think it is not only important for me to have some mom friends, but important for Lily to be around kids her age.
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  #12  
December 4th, 2009, 07:16 PM
Shantastic27's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I totally get it! I'm 26, hubby is 25 and a couple of my friends that don't live nearby and that I don't see have kids. The ones that I see the most and I'm the closest to do not have them. I feel like my relationship with them has changed a little already. I am the only one married as well. Luckily, they are really great but I do think that having a baby will change things more than being married. I plan on joining a Mommy and Me group through a local hospital that I have heard about from a few people. My plan is just to meet as many moms as I can and hope I really bond with one or two of them . I mean, we can't be the only ones going through this right?
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  #13  
December 5th, 2009, 12:24 AM
Kodithegirl's Avatar Super Mommy
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how weird....having kids hasn't effected our friendships hardly at all. We are the only people in our group of friends that are married or have kids, and no one ever really mentions it. We are the "couple" but that's it. My husband goes to play basketball every saturday with the guys, and I hang out with the girls....then we all get together and our son is always with us. He's like the little mascot. I can't really tell you why it didn't change, but it didn't. Even the guys in our group are super excited about our new one, actually.

I remember when we got married I was sooo afraid it was going to change everything, but when it didn't, I was pleasantly surprised. Everyone asked us why we didn't die to the rest of the world, but I just didn't realize that was an option...lol
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  #14  
December 5th, 2009, 05:59 AM
krissy1989's Avatar is loving her two boys!
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I'm only 20 and DH is 26. We're the first in our groups of friends who got married, and no one else that I know of is even close to marriage (or kids). My best childhood friend whom I still talk to (but don't consider my "BFF" anymore) is the only friend I have who also has a child already. But her child just turned 2. I'm hoping that the age difference isn't too big a deal once my baby is born, and that our kids can still play together. She's a really great person when she's not around her boyfriend (who is the reason we drifted), and I think that if we just find time for her, me, and the kids, we could become good friends again.

Honestly, though, I think DH is being more affected by marriage and a baby than I am. I was never a very social person, having only one or two friends total (and they're the same one or two friends that I've had since I was younger). I am MUCH more family-oriented, and hubby, my mom, my sisters, and my brother are my best friends. DH, on the other hand, has his group of friends that he's hung out with since college, and they used to get together every single Saturday for game night and eating out. Neither of us are drinkers, and none of his friends really are, either, so we don't have to worry about making time for hangovers or whatever. BUT, his friends always want to get together late and stay up talking until 3 in the morning, and ever since I became pregnant, one of his friends moved to Japan to teach English, and DH's schedule switched to a morning shift, Saturday nights have disappeared. I can tell that it really bothers him sometimes, and I wish I could fix it for him. Once the baby's here, I'm going to try to convince him to hang out without me, at least twice a month.

Anyway...I agree with what the other ladies said: Find yoga groups or other meetups with other moms, and make new friends if your old friends decide they're too "different" to hang out with you anymore.
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  #15  
December 5th, 2009, 06:27 AM
k8liz311's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I agree that it will probably change things. I wasnt the first of my friends to have a kid, but I was the 2nd. And the 1st one is still very much a partier and I'm not. She still goes out to the bars with everyone but for me it doesn't interest me anymore. Now being preggo again I find that they don't call me anymore. It does get to me.. but I also know that I'm in a different stage of life. It was harder when my son was first born.
I think the worst is when my BFF comes to visit and wants to hang out.. she just doesn't get it how hard things are with kids. She wants to go hang out with just me for all day long shopping and going out to eat.. and that just can't happen all the time. I want to be with my son.

I also found a playgroup on meetups. It was great to get out with my son a few days a week. Most of the other ladies were older but they are still fun and we have a good time.
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  #16  
December 5th, 2009, 07:14 AM
Max n Meghan's Mom's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Things will change. You might find that once the baby comes, you'll be the one that loses interest. Suddenly the things they want to talk about are petty. Why do you care about their night out drinking? You were home caring and playing with the most precious thing in the world, your baby! They'll seem irresponsible. It'll seem like more of a hassle to go out with them than it's worth. You'll leave baby girl home with DH to go out and you'll find yourself wishing you were home with your daughter or that you could have brought her along.

I second Shelley on Do something, Learn something, Share something, Change something - Meetup.com I found a local Mom's group that has about 100 members and has some activity planned every day. They have some events split into age groups. They have groups for newborns all the way up to groups for five year olds. The moms are all ages. I've seen 18 up to mid forties. It's a great way to socialize yourself and your kid. Also to find contacts in case you need someone to help with your baby. Not to mention the great advice. You'll need Mommy friends. You need a mentor. And eventually, you'll be mentoring a new mom to the group.

I'd check these groups out now, you might find one that will let you join early. Also your local gym might have prenatal exercise classes you could join to bond with other pregnant mommies. It's really not as hard to make mommy friends as it is others. A lot of moms are looking for companions. We ALL go through the loss of a friend or friends when we become a mom or even when we start having more.
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  #17  
December 5th, 2009, 07:34 AM
QueenCrafty's Avatar Courtney
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I started breaking away from friends right after college when DH (DF at the time) and I settled down and bought a house. My friends were all still living with their parents and spending their money from their temp jobs or retail jobs on beer every night, and I was planning a wedding and juggling an actual career. That was when we started meeting couple friends that seemed to be in the same stage of life as us. We also hung out a lot with my older sister and DH's older sister.

When I got pregnant with Lily at 24, I was lucky that one other friend was pregnant at the same time and my sister and SIL already had kids. The other acquaintences we had kinda disappeared, but our good friends remained the same despite the fact they didn't have kids. It was important to us to not lose our identity as an outgoing couple with an active social life. So instead of nights out on the town, we invited our friends over for dinner so we could put Lily down. We also made it clear that we still would like invitations to do other things and would bring Lily if it was possible. DH used to go to football parties on Sunday afternoons with his friends while I was at work. Of course he was the only one there with an infant, but he didn't let that phase him. He would just be sure to bring bottles for her and the pack n play for her nap. I think we've done a great job of keeping up with our friends, but I think they also value our friendship enough to understand that just because we are parents doesn't mean every single part of our personalities have changed.

As for ways to meet other moms, I joined the Junior League in my area. It's a great way to meet new people (a lot of whom are moms) and you also do some great charity work for your community. A friend I met through the Junior League invited me to her church for a Bible study group for moms and I think I'll take her up on that. A friend of mine bonded with another woman when their sons were in the NICU for a few weeks together. I've also met some great women through JM when we've decided to meet up in person. JM was my lifesaver in trying to figure out my new identity as a mother.
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  #18  
December 5th, 2009, 11:52 AM
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Location: Fargo ND
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I understand exactly what you are going throught. I was pg with my daughter when I was 19 and had her shortly after I turned 20. Granted I did lose some friends but amazingly enough one friend who stuck through it with me is still an amazing friend! Like any situation friends will certainly come and go and until the friends you do have understand that once babe is born that you can still go out and have a nice evening that they may be more understanding maybe its just a shock for them?

Not much information from me but if you ever need to talk pm me

Take care,

Tanena
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