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I haven't done something like this in a long time so bare with me ladies!
I'm the kind of person who rarely sees my glass as half empty and always keeps my head up no matter how dark the world around me gets but today I am having a weak moment and need to unload.
Last night sucked......It wasn't the painful contractions or the nauseating Turb shots, or even the fear of giving birth early, it was that I had a stark reality check in just how completely alone I am in this pregnancy and the life I will lead with Elijah.
DexH has been as supportive as he can be but at the end of the day, Eli is not his and he does not pretend in any way that he is. I wanted DexH to stay home last night with Autumn so that they would not be stressed out stuck in L&D Triage. Autumn is very hyper and just doesn't handle that sort of thing very well. Plus I would not be stressed worrying about her stressing everyone out.
When they released me last night I took my little overnight bag that I'd brought just in case and waddled back to my car, shaky, sick to my stomach, tired, drained and unbelievably lonely. Don't get me wrong, I don't want Elijah's donor ANYWHERE near me or Eli but waddling out to my car in the middle of the night in a big empty hospital garage by myself was sort of the final mental click that made me realize I am a single pregnant mom. There is no Daddy there for Eli, no partner there for me..... I am thankful for that but at the same time it is a double edged sword and that opposite edge cuts all too deeply. Today I just can't stop crying, not sobs just big tears that keep rolling down my cheeks. I want them to stop, I want to put my big girl....er VERY big girl panties on and keep moving forward but today seems to be a wash of mopey tears.
I can't thank you ladies enough for being there every step of the way with me! I think that I would have broken down far sooner if I'd not had you all to keep me smiling! From the bottom of my heart I Thank You.
LOVE YOU ALL!
I need some chocolate!
Mariah (29), Mommy to Autumn! (4) and Elijah, Born April 1st! Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans!
Although I am not in your position, the way you explained it made me see how crappy you are feeling and made me stop and think about how I'd feel if I was pregnant and single right now. My heart goes out to you! You are one strong lady and I know you guys will be just great! But we all have our 'down' days and I'm glad us ladies could help you out, even if it's just a little!
__________________ *~ Laura ~*
Thank you Meganpixel for the most fantastic siggy!
hugs, hun. I can't imagine how you are feeling but we are all here for you. PM me if you ever need to talk - even if it's 2 am. I'm here for you
~Beth~ Wife to my Airman Chris, and mommy to: Anthony Nathaniel (8/31/04), Anastasia Fae (8/01/06), Baby C (lost on 10/12/07), David Cillian (7/31/08), Charles George (4/29/10), and Alan Christopher (2/22/12)
So sorry you are feeling this way. I can certainly understand it, especially with everything you've gone through the last few days. I am in a similar situation as a single-mother-to-be and I know how lonely and scary it can feel. Most of the time I have my "big girl panties" on and everyone is super proud of my strength in choosing to do this, but yeah, when you're not feeling well or something else happens it can be so rough. I keep thinking about what it will be like in another month or so when I am really big and feeling uncomfortable, or when I go into labor and am home by myself waiting for the baby's dad to pick me up to take me to the hospital. But at the same time I remind myself what a special connection my son and I are going to have as a result. So special. That usually makes me smile.
Maybe we should start some sort of board for us single moms?
Aw sweetie! Big huge long hugs!!!! I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I can't imagine how tough it is but I surely hope that it gets better for you. If you need anything, even if it's just to vent, please don't hesitate to PM me. Keep your chin up. You're gonna see that beautiful baby boy and it's going to be so hard and yet so amazing and beautiful and glorious and in the end it will all be worth it. =) Lots of love to you hunny.
Mommy to Rilynn (3-26-10) and Colt (3-22-12)
Oh Mariah, I'm so sorry to hear this!
You aren't alone. Eli is there and he is the reason that you carry on and pick yourself back up again. He is waiting to meet you, waiting to love you- he is your teammate in this.
I'm sorry that you don't have a partner to share in your excitement. That sucks. It sucks that you had to leave the hospital alone. Very sad. It shouldn't be that way at all.
You totally rock as a woman and as a Mom. Autumn and Eli are very lucky!