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The Story of My Baby Boy Patrick - His very short but beautiful life


Forum: 2010 Playroom

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  #1  
April 3rd, 2010, 08:57 AM
.:Stace:.'s Avatar .:Stace:.
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,000
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I just want to thank you all for your thoughts ... prayers and messages. I appreciate you all thinking of me during this very difficult time. I will miss you all but I will gladly continue to follow you all through your pregnancies ... births and your babies. I wish you all the best. I have added Patricks life story ... short but still beautiful.

The Story of Patrick
Born Still but Still Born

My story is a sad but beautiful one. I was pregnant with a baby 2 days ago and today as I write this I am no longer pregnant and I do not have a baby with me at home.
Brad and I conceived a Christmas baby. We got that beautiful beaming positive pregnancy test on January 9, 2009. We were ecstatic, another beautiful baby to add to our family.

I had the most perfect pregnancy. I wasnít sick. I felt fantastic. I slept a lot but for those that know me well Iíd take anything over puking. I decided that God had decided that because I was so sick with Carter and Hudson that he would give me a break this time. He did give me a break but in the end it didnít even matter.

I had my IPS u/s at 12 weeks 1 day. It showed a beautiful wee baby Ė swimming around, kicking, and punching. He was active. He was beautiful. I cried when I saw him. I proudly brought the u/s photos home and displayed them on my fridge, showing them to every person that I possibly could. I was beaming. I was having a baby, another beautiful baby. We called our family and friends. We shouted our great news to the world.

My tummy started to blossom. I had started to wear maternity clothes. My tight flat tummy was no longer. I was growing a baby. I was so excited to be big, to show off that tummy. I always have the most beautiful baby bellies. Brad proudly took my belly pictures weekly, my face beaming in each and every one. I was going to be a Mommy again.

At 13 weeks while at work I started to bleed. Not a lot but enough. I took a trip to the ER. My u/s showed a baby Ė alive and beautiful. 2 days later I followed up with my Dr. She was able to locate the heartbeat with the Doppler in 1 second flat Ė 140 bpm. Perfect. An internal check revealed a completely closed cervix. Again perfect. I was told to take a couple weeks off and rest. That I tried to do. Rest and Stacey are not really 2 words that go together. But I tried I really did.

I was told that I would spot for the next few days. They were right. I did but it didnít stop. I spotted on and off for almost 3 weeks. On March 30th while at work on one of my 1 million bathroom trips I started bleeding. Heavy. I was scared. I immediately called my doctor for an appointment in the morning. I went home and went to bed. Feet up. I rubbed my tummy and cried. Little did I know that would be the last night that I would have my beautiful baby inside me.

The dreadful day plays in my mind over and over. I had my appt with Dr VantVoort. She said to me ďmany women spot and bleed during their whole pregnancyĒ. Please donít worry. She took me into her little room. Cervix closed tight. Wonderful I thought. She grabbed the Doppler. She tried ... over and over. Pushing harder in some spots then others. She thought she got it 112BPM. Nope that was my heart rate. She tried with reassurance to say that she canít always find the heartbeat on the Doppler. I could tell by her face that she was worried and that she was trying to be calm. She ordered me a stat u/s.

Brad and I headed to the u/s place Ė my bladder bursting. I waited and waited and worried and waited. FINALLY a lady called my name. I was instructed to empty my bladder. Nice all that pain wasnít even necessary. Before I hopped on the table I rubbed my expanding belly one more time and smiled. My baby is in there. I gave her my pregnancy history then laid on the table. She started the u/s. I saw the screen. I saw no movement Ė no beating heart. I knew. She asked me a few more questions before she stated ďIím sorry, there is no heartbeatĒ. My 16 week old baby was gone ... was dead. I was carrying a dead baby. The tech immediately grabbed Brad. From what I remember I was delirious. I remember saying to Brad that our baby was dead. He held me. I cried. I had to lie back down so that she could finish the u/s. After it was over I sat up, looked at the tech and said ďCan I see my babyĒ. I laid back down. Tears streaming down my face. She put the wand back on my belly and we looked at my beautiful baby. The most perfect spine. The baby was all curled up like he was sleeping. He looked peaceful.
I left and went back to Dr VantVoorts office. They were wonderful and had all the arrangements already made at the hospital. We immediately headed to Southlake having no idea what was in store for the next few hours. I was taken to the L+D floor. Not a nice place to be when you know that you are carrying a dead baby. I saw pregnant women, newborn babies, happy families. It was tough but that was just the beginning. I was admitted into a room and was told that because my baby was 16 weeks that I was going to be induced. I was being forced to deliver my baby, my dead baby.

The hours leading up to the induction were very tough. I was walking around looking very much pregnant. I looked in the mirror continuously and was forever rubbing my belly.

I was told that they expected that I would deliver my baby in about 24 hours. I didnít believe it would take that long. I delivered my 1st in 3 hours and my 2nd in 45minutes. Iím a delivery pro. They told me that it would be painful but that they had lots of wonderful medications for me. My induction was started at about 8:30pm. I was given my 1st dose of medication to start contracting my uterus and start dilating my cervix. I tried to rest but it was almost impossible. Brad and I got into bed. We talked and cried and cried and talked. I rubbed my belly. I embraced my last hours pregnant.

I was given a second dose of medication at midnight. It was a double dose of the same medication. I had some back discomfort and mild cramping. It was nothing. I asked for a good sleeping pill. They gave it to me. It didnít work. At 1:00am I felt a pop and my water broke. I panicked. All the sudden this fear came over me. I knew what this meant. My baby was soon going to be here. The nurse on duty told me that it was going to still be a long process. I kept telling her that she didnít understand the super powers of Stacey the baby delivery machine. I told her that the baby would be here in the next 45minutes to an hour. Again she looked at me like I was crazy. At 1:30 I passed a large clot. I called for the nurse. I knew I was close. I could feel it. Once she entered the room I gave a small push and out came my baby. She told me to relax while Dr Mantay came in and finished delivering. I was crying. I was scared. I was heartbroken. I was nervous. I was not pregnant anymore. My baby didnít cry. My baby didnít move. I was afraid to look at him. Dr Mantay was amazing. She finished delivering him Ė confirmed to us that we just had another little boy. I knew he was a boy all along. He was born on March 31st at 1:45am Ė 45 minutes after my water broke. It was nice to say ďI told you soĒ.

She asked if we wanted to see him. Of course we did. He was the tiniest little baby I have ever seen. He was perfect. He had 10 little fingers and 10 little toes. He had 2 tiny ears and a wee nose. His mouth could open and close. He was tall for his age. He had long legs and arms. But címon have you met his Mom and Dad. Brad and I were very lucky. We had him for about 2 hours. We held him, touched him, kissed him and loved him. We took lots of pictures of our baby boy that was born too soon. I laid him down beside me in the bed. Believe it or not with all the grief I was able to smile. He was perfect. He was my baby. My baby boy. We decided to name him Patrick. It wasnít the name that we had chosen for a boy but we thought it was perfect for him. He looked like a little Patrick.

Dr Mantay kept trying to get me to deliver my placenta. She tried manually and with medications. It wouldnít come. It wasnít time for it to be delivered. My body was so confused. She called the OR and said that Iíd have surgery to remove it. We gave Patrick back to the nurses and I went down to the OR at 4:00am.

I remember them putting the mask on my face, Dr Mantay coming to my face and saying it would be ok. The next thing I knew I was in recovery with a nurse Iíd never seen saying Iím going to give you some morphine. I didnít refuse. Actually I donít think I could talk. The next thing I knew I was in my room and my Mom was walking in. I cried. My belly was empty. My baby was gone. I heard a newborn crying for their Mom. Darn L+D unit. I wanted my baby to be crying for me. It wasnít going to happen.

I just wanted out of there. I wanted to go home. I was numb. Iíve never so badly wanted something that I couldnít have. I wanted to put Patrick back in and deliver him in September like I was supposed to.

I have a long road ahead of me. Iím grieving the loss of my baby. No mother should have to endure what I went through. Right now I canít possibly even begin to be positive about this whole situation. I do know though that Iím very lucky that I have an angel in heaven. I am the mother of 3 Ė 3 beautiful baby boys. I will get through this. I am a strong person. I just need time. I need to heal. One day Iíll look back and maybe understand why God chose me or maybe Iíll never know. Life is about the unknown. Now I can really understand that.
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Last edited by .:Stace:.; April 3rd, 2010 at 09:30 AM.
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  #2  
April 3rd, 2010, 09:11 AM
mrsdaiwa24's Avatar Amy, soon-to-be-mama of 2
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 10,094
(((Stacey)))

I am so, so sorry. I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes. I know that there aren't any words that I can say to make things better. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. You are an incredibly strong woman.

We have an online candle memorial set up for Patrick( and Megan's little one as well). We've been lighting candles and saying prayers for you.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

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Last edited by mrsdaiwa24; April 3rd, 2010 at 09:13 AM.
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  #3  
April 3rd, 2010, 09:15 AM
Countrymom4's Avatar Chrystal
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Location: Saskatchewan, Canada
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  #4  
April 3rd, 2010, 09:20 AM
aurora94's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Japan
Posts: 163
Stacey, thank you for posting Patrick's beautiful birth story. I could barely see the screen reading about his birth. It is wonderful that you had those 2 hours with him and he was definitely looking down on you and smiling at what a wonderful mother and father he had.

You are always in my thoughts and prayers.
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  #5  
April 3rd, 2010, 09:25 AM
ladybugmomma's Avatar Trisha
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,440
OMG Stacey. I can't imagine. I am So sorry for you. I'm glad you were able to spend so much time with Patrick and I'm glad he made you smile! I believe things happen for a reason and if he had some sort of condition it is easier for you to lose him now then later. Your next baby will be happy and healthy!
HUGS!
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  #6  
April 3rd, 2010, 09:26 AM
J9+J+C=Complete's Avatar Charlotte & Jacob's Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: VA
Posts: 2,313
I just can't even begin to imagine. All I can guess is that each day it will get easier and maybe someday, like you said, God will reveal the reasoning behind this. Just know that your little Patrick felt your love in his short 16 weeks of life.
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  #7  
April 3rd, 2010, 09:30 AM
alethia's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Phoenix, Arizona
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i am in tears and my heart is broken for you. i am so sorry for the loss of your precious son Patrick. i am so glad you got to hold your beautiful boy! you are in my thoughts and prayers and heart!
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  #8  
April 3rd, 2010, 09:42 AM
lexicon's Avatar formerly SarahRenee
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: upstate
Posts: 7,871
I just cried reading your story. My heart just breaks for you. I hope you find comfort and happiness in all of this soon and I know Patrick will always watch over you and your family.
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  #9  
April 3rd, 2010, 09:48 AM
heathernoel's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Maitland, Florida
Posts: 9,385
Oh sweetheart Your story reminds me so much of Marshall's. I'm sorry that Patrick's birth story happened just too soon.

His life continues to touch, Such a tiny story that has left big impressions.
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  #10  
April 3rd, 2010, 09:50 AM
MamaMcGaw3's Avatar Veteran
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Sooo sorry for you and your family. Thank you for sharing Patricks story with us. You have an angel looking down on your and your family. My thoughts are with you. Best of luck.
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  #11  
April 3rd, 2010, 09:54 AM
::april.showers::'s Avatar April- Mama of 4
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I am just so sorry for your incredible loss, I am glad you got to spend so much time with him and enjoyed being with your little boy. My prayers are with you and your family.
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  #12  
April 3rd, 2010, 10:00 AM
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I am so sorry you had to endure this Stacey. My eyes are filled with tears. Your story about your angel is beautful, as I am sure he was too. I'm glad you were able to spend some time with him. Those memories and pictures will be with your forever.
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  #13  
April 3rd, 2010, 10:09 AM
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I'm so sorry hunnie! If you need to talk, please PM! I've been where you are and unfortunately I can relate! We are ALL thinking about you and praying for you and your family during this time
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  #14  
April 3rd, 2010, 10:19 AM
VeronicaBride's Avatar Jen
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
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I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you so much for sharing his story with us. I am so glad you got to spend a couple hours with him. (((HUGS)))
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  #15  
April 3rd, 2010, 10:56 AM
momof8lopez's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: illinois
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Stacey, what a beautiful story, a beautiful baby. You are so brave to come here and share this with us. Patrick will be thought of every day here on this board, as the perfect little boy born first to our ddc. I pray for comfort for you and your family through this healing time.
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  #16  
April 3rd, 2010, 10:58 AM
~Constance~
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I'm just heartbroken reading your story! I'm so very sorry for the loss of your son. ((((HUGS))))
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  #17  
April 3rd, 2010, 11:08 AM
Justjessie's Avatar Really Just Angela
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 5,125
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad you got to spend time with him.

I don't understand loss at any point in pregnancy and never will...and it's been almost 4 months since my loss and it's still not any easier...even with a new pregnancy...but what I do have that I didn't before (and so do you) is a baby angel watching over you and everything you do for the rest of your life.

That part helps me a lot, I hope the thought of Patrick being your guardian angel and the guardian angel of your DH, the boys, and any children that come after this helps, too.

You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
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  #18  
April 3rd, 2010, 11:08 AM
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What a sad, beautiful story. Patrick was a lucky little guy to have been loved so much. He may not have laid eyes on you, or heard your voice, but I'm sure he felt it.

Much love to you and your family, sweetie. We're all here for you. Come talk to us about little Patrick anytime you need to.
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  #19  
April 3rd, 2010, 11:10 AM
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  #20  
April 3rd, 2010, 11:16 AM
*Ava's Mommy*'s Avatar Naomi
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Posts: 1,883
Thank you so much for posting the story of your beautiful baby. I couldn't stop crying, you and your family are in m y thoughts and prayers big hugs
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