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I invited my friend to the birth,I changed my mind. Should I tell her and how?


Forum: 2010 Playroom

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  #1  
July 25th, 2010, 10:30 PM
missmich
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Ok so I was having some really strong thoughts that I'd never be able to get through the admin at the hospital with out my friend there. She understands my panic attacks etc... She was going to "take over" explaining certain things to the staff (about my odd name situation etc...) and make sure I stayed calm. She was also going to be at home with me during the early stages of labor.

I changed my mind though and don't want her there now at all.

We were chatting on facebook and she used the "N" word. I told her to please not say that word b/c my son didn't like it. Instead of saying sorry she justified her reason for saying it. Sadly she seems to think that some black men are black men or African American and some ARE "N's" and I do not agree with this at all. I sent her a message a couple days later explaining how I felt about her use of the word and that I was shocked that she could justify it. I expected more from her I said. I also said that my son and I would run into racism later on in life and I didn't want to have it from her. My son is 1/2 Latino. She hasn't responded at all.

I've worked out a few personal issues with the help of my doula and decided that YES I can do things on my own with out my friend and I'm going to be just fine.

So how should I tell my friend she is now not invited to the birth or labor? Should I bother to? Or should I just say "I tried to call and there was no answer"? This might be true,since I do call often and she has cell phone issues. I don't want to hurt her feelings,but this "N' word thing really bugged me. I don't know where she got this new attitude about black men/people either.
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  #2  
July 25th, 2010, 10:46 PM
lovely_serendipity's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 1,594
Well u could just tell her u tried to call and couldn't get her...or u could tell her that this is something that u have decided u need to do on ur own. In order to try and take control of ur panic attacks its always good to face the trama head on and show urself u can make it through it without having to depend on others. This is true, so u wouldn't be lieing. Make sure u explain that it isn't anything against her or anyone...its just somethin u need to do for u...to show urself that u have the strength because ur sick of feeling weak and powerless. Tell her u appreciate what she was willing to do for u but now u need her to support what uu are tryin to do for urself.
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  #3  
July 25th, 2010, 10:47 PM
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Just don't call her. If you are not seeing eye-to-eye, it might be stressful to have her there. Do you have anyone else that can go to the hospital to support you?
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  #4  
July 25th, 2010, 11:01 PM
missmich
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I don't have anyone else to go with me. I mean my doula,of course she will be there for me. Luckily I was able to go over some issues I have with her and she understands and will help me the best she can and I've come up with a few ideas as well to help me get through admin. ok. Seriously the most stressful thing for me is to answer "what's your name?".I know for sure it will cause an issue with the admin. staff and if I can't calmly explain or get tired of explaining it the 3rd time I'll hand them a written explanation and walk away to do some breathing to calm myself with.

I was also scared to labor at home alone during the early stages. I invited my friend thinking it would be nice to have her to "hang out" with me while that happened before we head to the hospital. My doula has said she normally doesn't help with that part,but b/c I'm a single mama to be with no family here she may come anyway for a while. She'll also be answering her cell anytime I call during that day once she knows it's started and will also call me to check in once in a while to see when she needs to come over of if I need to get myself to the hospital asap.
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  #5  
July 25th, 2010, 11:09 PM
Mega Super Mommy
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I didn't know about your name issues. I don't want to cause you stress, but if you feel like telling me about it you can. Is it just different from your Birth Cert?
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  #6  
July 25th, 2010, 11:26 PM
missmich
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Yeah my birth cert. and my medical card have my legal name and everything else has the name I've been using for the last 19 years. I use my middle name and my fathers last name. It's a common thing to do,but they look at me like I'm the only person who's ever done it. I'm asking that they use the legal name on the file for billing purposes but to please call me Michelle since using my first name confuses me a bit and since it really does bring up some bad memories,but b/c for some reason the office who made my medical card didn't include my middle name they don't believe me that Michelle IS part of my name and they can at least call me that. So each time I visit the doc or a govt. office it must be explained and argued over. They tell me to "get that fixed" but they have no idea that I've tried to and that it costs a lot of money and takes up to a year. It's only ever been an issue in this province.

I do have a new hospital card,not the same as a medical card that does have my middle name on the back of it now so they may refer to that as well and get it. Also in my birth plan it says to please call me Michelle and if they need to know why,they need to ask my doula to explain it,in French b/c I'll be to stressed to explain it or hear it explained yet again. One good thing about not knowing French I can ignore certain things when I want to! lol
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  #7  
July 26th, 2010, 12:42 AM
MotherFrog's Avatar lost in la la land
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Location: lost in Iowa
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For support I think you need to rely on your doula more since she's offering. We're here for you too hun!

As for you name. Print this out

For legal and billing purposes please use my legal name.
When speaking to me, please refer to me by Michelle and Michelle only.
I will not answer to my legal name. I have personal issues with my legal name.
I will not explain my issues with my legal name to you.
If you do not call me Michelle, I will not respond to you.
Thank you.

I'd make copies of that and keep it on you at all times. If they can't deal with that, they can stuff it.
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  #8  
July 26th, 2010, 01:04 AM
missmich
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I also just don't respond to my first name anymore. I mean like a few weeks ago I had to give some blood and I fainted after. They kept calling me the first name and I was like huh.... what? It took me a minute to figure out that I'd better answer them.
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  #9  
July 26th, 2010, 01:08 AM
MotherFrog's Avatar lost in la la land
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Print out what I wrote and just hand them out like candy hun, they'll get it eventually.
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  #10  
July 26th, 2010, 03:03 AM
Happy Song's Avatar Nicole
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Oh Michelle~ I feel so bad about the name thing my DD's name Scarlett is a complete Alias with nothing connecting to her leagal name! All her legal papers have the Alias referenced on them, but none of her identification does.

I am about to do the same thing with my son's name.

As for the friend. I'd just let is ride for right now and decide when you go into labor. If you get all upset over the N word now and tell her you changed your mind then you are totally commited to her not being there. Just letting it go you can change your mind 100 times between now and then and in the end have which ever way you want... when it matters, in the delivery room.
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  #11  
July 26th, 2010, 05:30 AM
Justjessie's Avatar Really Just Angela
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I like what Mother Frog wrote. Perfect! This should give you no problems.
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  #12  
July 26th, 2010, 05:52 AM
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Posts: 5,504
Sounds like some very good ideas came up in this thread. It will not be easy to tell your friend about the change of plan. It is a bit deal, but she will understand you if she is a real friend. You can write her a letter if it is easier to address this issue in a less personal way. Good luck! You can do it!
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  #13  
July 26th, 2010, 05:55 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 32,940
You need to decide if this person is your friend or not. You've gone back and forth about whether or not you want her there/want her help. Personally, if I had a friend who asked me these things and then changed at the last minute I would want to know about it and not be left wondering. Perhaps this friendship is not as strong as you once thought it to be?
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  #14  
July 26th, 2010, 06:04 AM
Super Mummy
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 192
Mother Frog - best idea printing that for the name issue! In Australia, all hospital paperwork I've ever filled out has an option for First Name, Surname, and Preferred Name (This is where you'd fit in Michelle), but the above printable says it all!

As for telling your friend, if you don't cope well with confrontation, perhaps write her a letter and take it to her. Tell her to please read it and think about it before she responds. Sit and wait, and talk it out. I find writing something like this easier than speaking it, because you can have numerous goes at the wording.

Good luck honey x x
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  #15  
July 26th, 2010, 11:07 AM
missmich
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We used to be really good close friends and then had a falling out over something stupid! About 4 years ago. She wanted me to come to her house and I found my cat that day in the street. I couldn't leave her alone with my other cat so I called my friend and asked her to come to my house instead,she only lived 4 blocks from me at the time. She refused and got mad at me. It was about a year later we became friends again,but she's so busy that we don't talk much let alone see one another.

I told her in chat how I felt about the word and then in a short message a couple days later. She hasn't responded at all. She did say she'd call me Monday,last Monday. She very often says she'll call though and then never does. She's always been that way. Actually when I asked her to be there for me I was a little worried she'd say yes and then not make it for some reason.


Our hospital admin. form does have a "usual" given name option as well,so I'll use that option on the form. I'm explaining in my birth plan that if they call me the wrong name it will cause a panic attack and hurt the baby,they should want to to help me avoid that. So hopefully they get it.
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