We pride ourselves on having the friendliest
and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment
for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers.
If you have any problems registering please drop an email to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!
How do you deal with not that great In-Laws? I know others have to be going through the same thing to some extent.
A bit of background. I've been with my hubby for 3 years and been around these people about 9 times a year. They live about 90 minutes from us now. We just went over for the sixth or seventh time this year a couple of weekends ago. After this last adventure I told my husband I will not see these people anymore. After 2 days of fighting I compromised and said they could come to my house or meet us in public and I'll see them. Since they are more normal acting when they aren't at home.
When they're at their house they are the nastiest people I have ever been around! His parents and his 30 year old younger brother are the ones I'm talking about. His parents sue people for fun and entertainment. Like really. His dad retired 10 years ago and has since sued every neighbor surrounding their property. He has also sued every single family member except his two sons. Not one of their extensive family is still speaking to them. All of them are extremely bigoted and racist and anytime we're around them you are going to hear the N word a few times like it's normal. I have alot of gay friends/family and lots of different races in the family. They met them all last year at our wedding and they still say the nastiest things then look over to see if they can get a reaction out of me. Their whole point in saying this stuff is to try to get me upset and to "rise to the bait".
My husband is a naturally quiet guy. Around his parents he goes even quieter because he doesn't want them to know anything about our lives. He worries they will make up ways to interfere. ie sue us. He also would never in a million years ask them to tone it down or say anything about how they are acting.
Here's the thing though. He INSISTS we go see these people all throughout the year. He thinks it's more important to keep close contact with family. Irregardless of the fact that we can't stand them. Plus, he's used to these people. He's not surprised or offended by them. He's not like them in any way, but he thinks you just go do your duty and spend time with them and let all the poop not bother you. I say you don't have to be around relatives like that. It's a choice to spend time with them.
This past weekend was our shower. His parents are pretty wealthy. They gave us a $15 umbrella stroller and baby clothes from when my hubby was a baby. The baby clothes were sweet, but now I have to store this stuff. I can't put them on the baby. They're all hand made little sweet outfits that are in perfect condition. I'm not a sentimental person, but I know my MIL will die if I don't store these away like she did. My hubby and I were both pretty disappointed that his family didn't at least chip in with more "stuff" for their first and maybe last grandchild. That's probably shallow, but we were expecting more help from them. They know I'm unemployed and we're struggling until I can get back to work.
I'm sorry I'm venting like this to ya'll. You don't really know me yet, but the last two weeks have been really hard. Mainly because of these nasty people. Has anyone gone through anything similar and come up with a way to make things work better?
Oh I'm sooo sorry. I can't offer u any advice but I just wanted u to know that I read everythin and WOW u got a big problem on ur hands. The father of my baby and I aren't married. I liked keepin our relationship a secret but the baby is making that more difficult lol. However, I have been close with his family and they are amazing people. His mom is a dream (I've never gotten along to well with moms lol except his and one of my exs mom. Well and friends moms).
I notice u said that when u didn't want to go anymore it caused a lot of fighting.. so I assume that u have spoken with ur husband in great detail about it. If he insists on subjecting u and a poor new baby to these toxic people then I guess all u can do is sit back quitely and never give them the rise their lookingg for. Ur a far better woman than I because I would have done lost it on husband and them. Lol
I'd ask DH if he's sure he wants his child around that. For example, "Dear, the first time our son says the N word, how are you going to feel?". Ugh. I'm sorry. I had to train my dh's family, but I didn't have those issues...just control issues with MIL. Sorry, sweetie!
my thanks to Claire1979 for the awesome siggy!!
Wow, that sounds like a terrible situation to be in. I think you are doing the right thing by attempting to minimize your time with these people, and it sounds like you should also minimize your baby's contact with them as you said they are racist and intolerant. Hopefully you can surround yourself and your baby with positive people like your family and take solace in knowing you will raise a good human being!
__________________ Joyfully expecting #2 in January!
Ohh yikes. Sounds like a tough situation! I, like Heather, only have control issues with MIL and FIL. But I also have a very laid back DH, like you. He doesn't want to cause ripples in the water with his family. We have talked about this soo many times.
I know now that when you have problems with the in-laws it is particularly hard on the DH. With my DH anyway, he explained it like this:
He doesn't want to be caught in the middle. Even if you can't stand his family, they are still his family and he loves them. You can't ask him to abandon his family when they are all he knew growing up. And if you ask him to choose either you or them it will cause problems in your marriage (resentment, etc.). At least that is how it was in our situation. Your situation may be different and your DH's opinion might be completely different.
I would honestly just sit down with your husband and have a candid conversation about it with him. Tell him how his family makes you feel, tell him that you don't really want your child in that environment, and compromise on HOW many visits you will make/when you will visit.
That's the only advice I have. But I am no marriage expert!!
Thank you all so much for your input. It's so cathartic to just put it out there. The whole situation just eats at me!
We've talked and talked about this, but never seem to get anywhere with it. I'm definitely never going to go to them again. So, that will bring me down to seeing them maybe 2 times a year. That will be with them out of their environment, where they're better. I told my hubby that he can take our son around them, but he will have to man up and tell them to shut up if they start with nastiness around him. I'm hoping that with me not going he won't take him very often.
Sigh. I'm just going to try to let it go for now. Thank you for listening to me whine!