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So Sad Today =(


Forum: 2010 Playroom

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  #1  
July 27th, 2010, 07:25 AM
Angel_Maker
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Posts: n/a
Today is my birthday, and I'm realizing more and more each day that I have nothing to celebrate


My life is tragic and sad. I'm becoming ashamed of myself because things are just so ridiculously sad that I feel uncomfortable even sharing stories of my life with people.

On July 11th, 2007, we found out Asher and Noah were conjoined, so by the time my birthday rolled around, I was in no mood to celebrate. I didn't celebrate in 2008 or 2009 because I was so depressed that I hadn't even gotten pregnant again during that time. Then I got pregnant with Tres in Oct. 2009...he was due in June and I remember saying to DH, "I'll finally have a baby for my birthday"....then we lost him in November....

So then I got pregnant with Evan. And once again, I told DH, "Well, at least I'll be PREGNANT with a baby on my birthday." And then we lost him too.....so here I sit....alone in my house crying uncontrollably for the 4th birthday in a row.

Everyone says to be excited about the adopted baby, but the BM is no further along than I was with Evan...I'm just not convinced that it's going to turn out OK....

I'm so freaking sad it's stupid
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  #2  
July 27th, 2010, 07:31 AM
Frangipani's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: the lower 48
Posts: 3,246
Sweetie, it is perfectly understandable that you would be sad. I am hopeful for you about the adoption as well but it makes sense that you would be worried that something will happen and it won't work out. You've had so much tragedy already that it has to be difficult to stay positive. I wish I could just come and give you a huge hug, eat cake, and drink some wine or something.

Do you have anyone you can talk to about these things IRL? I don't know if you've gone through any counseling or anything but if anyone deserves an unbiased ear to talk to, it is you.

We're all here for you regardless and are praying like crazy that you get that little baby soon.

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  #3  
July 27th, 2010, 07:33 AM
alethia's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Phoenix, Arizona
Posts: 18,623
Oh hunny. I love you. I'm so sorry you feel like sh*t on your birthday Try to hold onto the fact that - you have created 3 beautiful, perfect little boys that are watching over you, loving you every second of every day - i know it's more than painful that they're not here with you on earth - but they're still with you. You're an AWESOME wife, daughter, mother and woman - try to if you can't celebrate your-self today at least appreciate yourself a little. You have so much strength and have made it through so much - and TOUCHED so many people - so many women that needed strength to know that they could go on after a loss. Try to celebrate that you are here for a NEW AMAZING YEAR AHEAD....adopting baby, getting a BFP for baby Owen, Your new furry baby, another year with your DH. Another year of BEING YOU - Strong, beautiful, amazing YOU!!!!!!
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  #4  
July 27th, 2010, 07:34 AM
redbirds's Avatar Blessed Again!
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: CO
Posts: 18,447
((HUGS)) Brandi, it's OK to be sad. Allow yourself this time to grieve. You are not only "celebrating" your life in your birthday, but the fact that you are a miracle to your mom and dad, and he loved you dearly and celebrates your life and your birth even still in heaven with the boys. I know this is not the day you can think of all this, but just know celebrating your life, your birth, also means allowing others to just be grateful for having you in their lives. You've touched so many people in so many positive ways, you probably don't even know the magnitude of your presence, your smile and your energy.

It's a good day for you to grieve because of your losses, but also know this is the best day to celebrate your birth, your life, and the miracles you've given others.

Happy Birthday, sweetie. I'm teary eyed for you over here, because I know you've truly touched my life in a very positive, warm and gentle way and I'm sad you don't have the present of your dreams in your arm this day.

I'm praying the BM is being cared for in prison with utmost caution and that the baby is really thriving and her health is sound. Just a couple more weeks until she hits that HUGE milestone and we'll all do a big dance.
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Gwynne, celebrating the newest of our four precious miracles

Hat's off to Vicki for my cute siggy, thank you!
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  #5  
July 27th, 2010, 08:03 AM
Gemum
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Posts: n/a
Everyone. All I can offer is
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  #6  
July 27th, 2010, 08:25 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 32,940
I agree with what the other ladies have said. You have had too many terrible things happen, but the fact that YOU are still here, means that YOUR work on this earth is not done yet. I believe all this waiting will make the day you hold your smiling baby in your arms even more special.
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  #7  
July 27th, 2010, 08:53 AM
amonstersmomma's Avatar Coetta Dawn
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 4,520
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TY *Kiliki* for my awesome siggy!


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  #8  
July 27th, 2010, 08:55 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 5,504
Hugs Brandi. I am not going to wish you a happy birthday, but I am going to wish you a happy next year of your life. I really hope that all you dreams come true this year and that you bring your baby home in December. You are a strong person and you have gone through some of the toughest things life can bring on one. I love reading happy updates about the adoption process and it is great knowing that things are slowly falling into place. Don’t be home alone today. Try to get out and do something to keep your mind of sad memories.
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Thanks Claire1979 for my awesome siggy.
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  #10  
July 27th, 2010, 09:09 AM
mrsdaiwa24's Avatar Amy, soon-to-be-mama of 2
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 10,094
Sending you the biggest that I can!

You really inspire me Brandi. To have gone through so much pain and yet you keep trying -- you really are amazing. I know right now it's hard, but you will find happiness soon.
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Thank you JAIDYNSMUM for my adorable new siggy!
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  #11  
July 27th, 2010, 09:43 AM
Angel_Maker
Guest
Posts: n/a
Thank you girls I just took some xanax and some tylenol simply sleep, so I'm heading to bed for the reast of the day (it's almost 1PM here)


BTW, I stepped down as co host of TTCwMA and will be taking a break from JM.....The next couple of months will be hard. A&N's birthday is next week, Evan's EDD is Sept. 26th....October is one year since we found out I was preggo with Tres, and November 3rd is his first Angelversary. Hopefully December wll be the beginning of some beautiful memories
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  #12  
July 27th, 2010, 09:49 AM
lovely_serendipity's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 1,589
I'm sooo sorry ur birthday is bad. You say that u don't like sharing ur story but honestly ur strength is inspiring. I used to hate to share my story too it was full of violence and pain. Then when I started trying to have a baby all I got was 3 lovely angels who I miss everyday. It seemed like nothing would ever turn out right. I used to be so confused. I tried to live my life right...help anyone who needed it...give away anything I had even if it waas my last dollar. I'm huge believer in karma and thought "what did I do so wrong in my life to deserve all that has happened to me".

People always say "everything happens for a reason" and even if that's true its a hard thing to digest when u have been through something so physically, mentally, or emotionally painful. I think that we have to use or strength to make our own purpose for all this pain. Maybe u could look into ways to help others in ur area or volunteer for a cause u believe in or maybe look for a support group were ur story can help ladies goin through it for the first time. I don't know...all I know is sometimes helpin others is the best way to heal ur own heart.

U have every right to be sad and I don't blame u for worrying about the adoption. Its hard to have faith when everytime u do something happens. U have to be careful to not get too excited in order to protect ur heart. However with all that said....I believe this has to be ur time...I pray that things go well because u have waited long enough and have more than shown ur strength.
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  #13  
July 27th, 2010, 11:02 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 1,760
Brandi,

I'm so sorry you have to feel this way again on your birthday. I will be thinking of you and hoping that this is the last birthday in your life that you have to feel the way you're feeling right now. I hope that next year this day will be completely different for you and filled with only joy and happiness you deserve so much!
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  #14  
July 27th, 2010, 11:11 AM
white.house's Avatar Kelli
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Southeastern, USA
Posts: 11,344
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"...all good things are wild and free."


eli grey [9.15.10]
jude lawrence [11.9.12]

forever loving our best girl, finley [born still 10.30.11]
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  #15  
July 27th, 2010, 11:45 AM
MariaL's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Hometown of HC Andersen
Posts: 1,578
I hate that you are feeling this way today. I hope your next birthday is filled with nothing but with joy and happiness.
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  #16  
July 27th, 2010, 11:48 AM
Mom2#1Drakester's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: fort worth, tx
Posts: 1,810
oh i am so sorry. I beleive things will look up for you and your next bday will be a happy one. I told my DH just the other day how strong a person i feel you must be to handle all you have been given. I really feel and hope good things will come your way hun...
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thank you tasha_mae for the great siggy!
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  #17  
July 27th, 2010, 01:50 PM
Veteran
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 304
I think about you and Evan a lot...I know "I'm sorry" just does not do justice. Please know that you are a great person and very loved by a lot of people here.
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