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Jessica Danielle's Birth Story (a parody...she's not here yet, of course)


Forum: 2010 Playroom

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  #1  
September 19th, 2010, 10:59 AM
Justjessie's Avatar Really Just Angela
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 5,109
I'm using my sarcasm to gear myself up for another week of work/carting kids/having meetings until 10 pm while I'm in my 40th week pf pregnancy. Otherwise I'll cry. Those of you who are overdue...or aren't due until the end of the month...or both...or have a doc who refuses to induce until the child is in college...you probably feel this way, too!

JESSICA DANIELLE'S BIRTH STORY
by Angela
It was a day much like any other...September 25, 2074. I was at the ripe old age of 100. I had woken up in the morning feeling as I usually did, before the nursing home workers gave me my sponge bath, after I had eaten my oatmeal before putting my dentures in. However, on this morning, after the mush and bath, I started to have some cramping. It couldn't be my period...I went through menopause years ago. BUT, seeing as I WAS STILL PREGNANT, I started to think MAYBE something was happening.

I pushed my lifecall alert button (I've fallen and I can't get up) to summon the nice nurses back to my room. Normally, I don't call them unless I forget what day it is (okay so maybe that's common) or unless Justin and Sierra's grandkids are coming to see me and I have to make sure I'm decent before they get there. I should call them more...it gets to be a lonely life in the nursing home. Sure, I still have my Keith...but all he does is eat his own poop and mumble about the Detroit Lions while rocking in a corner. Admittedly, he's become quite useless in our old age. Still, he keeps me company when the kids don't visit because they spend all of their time with their dad...who still doesn't have a place to live after all of these years.

The nurses came in and asked what they could do for me and I expressed my concern with my stomach pains. They looked at one another and said "Do you think this could be it???" And there were a lot of nods.

After all of these years...I finally started having contractions. The staff at Shady Pines started running about, trying to set up a room for my beautiful daughter...when we lived at the old house, we HAD a nursery set up for her...but we since have sold the house when Justin and Sierra decided it was time to move us into the home. I asked if she could be in the apartment next to us and, luckily, it was open. I get to be neighbors with my daughter! I can't wait!

When it was time to push, I was too tired. I needed a nap. After all, I had been awake for 2 hours already! But I knew I needed to go on. They reminded me to push like I was having a bowel movement. A what? I haven't taken a poop by myself in 30 years. I looked over at my colostomy bag and tried to remember what it used to be like. Nothing. Blank stare. Ah well, I guess I'll have a c-section. Can you guys give me a new heart and a new pair of kidneys while you're in there? Ah, I also get funnier in my old age!!!

Jessica Danielle was born at 9:52 am, weighing 95 pounds. She was 4 feet 10 inches tall with a full head of grey hair, just like her mommy! She came out swearing like a mad old woman, wouldn't you, if you had lived in utero for 74 years? Even though she complained about the food for the rest of the day, her lodgings at the home, and kept yelling at the people (who weren't actually there) to stop trying to steal her purse...but she is a welcome addition to Shady Pines, and a ray of sunshine in her father's eyes and in mine.
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  #2  
September 19th, 2010, 11:05 AM
klsfl10's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2010
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Too funny!! And I love the Shady Pines/Golden Girls reference, lol. Can't wait until Jessica decides to come out and meet everyone!
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  #3  
September 19th, 2010, 11:25 AM
Justjessie's Avatar Really Just Angela
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Ah, I wondered who'd get the Golden Girls reference =) In my story they were nice, though...Sofia Petrillo always complains about them (OMG if Jessica's birth story was a made for TV movie and Estelle Getty was alive, I'd have her play Jessica!!!)
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  #4  
September 19th, 2010, 11:34 AM
ginnkneephur's Avatar Rainbows and Sunshine
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LMFAO Now that I am entertained.
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  #5  
September 19th, 2010, 11:42 AM
VeronicaBride's Avatar Jen
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Location: Ontario, Canada
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LMAO. That's hilarious!
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  #6  
September 19th, 2010, 11:51 AM
molly_jean's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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LMAO Thanks Angela. This brightened my day.
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  #7  
September 19th, 2010, 01:08 PM
LifenTheFastLane's Avatar Mommy 2 Rhys~Rhylee~Jessa
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Location: Texas
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Too funny! I was smiling all the way through it
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  #8  
September 19th, 2010, 02:24 PM
mt23hc's Avatar Melissa
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Location: Andrews Air Force Base, MD
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lmao! thats great!
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  #9  
September 19th, 2010, 03:13 PM
JesSsica's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: northern Indiana
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Coming out of lurking to say that you're cracking me up! You always go into labor at the worst time you know so think about your week, picture the worst possible moment she can come, and mark my words, she'll come then! LOL

I had a nice day planned when I was pregnant for Cole. I was going to be induced on a Friday (I would've been a week overdue) and so my Thursday was planned out to the minute. I was going to get up early, spend the day with my cousin and her baby (she was making me my favorite lunch and treats), take Madison to my parents' house, put her to bed myself so they could babysit her when I gave birth, and then wake up well rested Friday morning and go to the hospital.... I woke up Thursday morning to start my nicely planned day and went into labor!~ LOL You just can't plan these things................. You crack me up...............
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~*~ Jessica ~*~
Mom to:
Madison Rey 11-24-2000
Cole Anthony 5-23-2002
Mia Annelise 3-29-2012

^angel^ 10wks, 2 days, D&C 12wks, 3 days 11-2-09
^angel^ 5wks, 5 days 1-2-10
^angel^ 11wks, 1 day 5-22-10 with D&C
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  #10  
September 19th, 2010, 03:21 PM
Justjessie's Avatar Really Just Angela
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This Thursday night is Curriculum Night...a roomful of parents with questions aimed at me...I'm an hour away from my hospital...I've been working all day and am a hot mess...my son will be off his meds and home with Keith and everything at home will be a disheveled mess...no homework done, house a mess...yes, Thurs sounds good =)
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