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Attachment Parenting-Need some Advice


Forum: 2010 Playroom

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  #1  
March 6th, 2011, 10:38 AM
smika's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: The Lehigh Valley
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Hello All! I am a new member, finally using all that the internet has to offer a first time mom! My little man, Derek, was born on Dec. 8, 2010. He is amazing! Now I have decided to embrace what I have read is called "Attachment Parenting" I breastfed for a few weeks, but unfortunetly, my milk seemed to dry up, I drank about a gallon of water a day, kept putting him on the breast, but he would not gain weight at all, so the pediatrician suggested formula. Now since I was unable to breastfeed, I have embraced baby-wearing, co-sleeping, and lots of attention among other things. Is there anything else I can do to help my baby baby bond and trust me? I already feel a trust and bond, he smiles at me all the time, and "tells stories." But of course, anything to make this as strong as possible is what I want!

Now, What I need advice on is my mother-in-law, she keeps telling me that I am doing everything wrong. That I spoil him, I need to let him cry it out, (I do let him cry, but not before I check his diaper, try a bottle, and rock him). When I tried to explain attachment parenting to her, she said that I was crazy and making it up. Has anyone else been through this? I am lucky to not have gone through PPD, but everytime I hear her basically call me a bad mother I feel horrible for days! My husband wants to stop seeing her, but I do not want to punish my father in law, who just loves how we are raising him.
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  #2  
March 6th, 2011, 11:32 AM
BigGrin's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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It sounds like you are doing great! There is actually a Attachment Parenting section of this board that I peek into now and then, they have great advice for different ways to bond with your baby.

As you probably know, you cannot spoil your baby by holding them right now. Babies this young cry because they have a need, not because they are trying to manipulate you. Dr. Sears stated we need to rethink babies, there is 9 months inside and he said we need to think of the next 9 months as sort of an extended fetal development. The West is truly strange in that everyone wants an infant to be independent, it's downright bizarre. Why does an infant need to be independent? So they can get out and get their own apartment by 2?

Baby wearing has been shown to increase neurological development while letting a baby CIO has actually shown to be neurologically damaging. So listen to your instincts and cuddle the snot out of that baby. As far as your MIL goes, just nod, smile and mmmmhmmmm but continue parenting your own way. My MIL was telling me at 3 weeks old to let my Kid CIO. Yeah...whatever.
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  #3  
March 6th, 2011, 12:45 PM
mommy*tired's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BigGrin View Post
It sounds like you are doing great! There is actually a Attachment Parenting section of this board that I peek into now and then, they have great advice for different ways to bond with your baby.

As you probably know, you cannot spoil your baby by holding them right now. Babies this young cry because they have a need, not because they are trying to manipulate you. Dr. Sears stated we need to rethink babies, there is 9 months inside and he said we need to think of the next 9 months as sort of an extended fetal development. The West is truly strange in that everyone wants an infant to be independent, it's downright bizarre. Why does an infant need to be independent? So they can get out and get their own apartment by 2?

Baby wearing has been shown to increase neurological development while letting a baby CIO has actually shown to be neurologically damaging. So listen to your instincts and cuddle the snot out of that baby. As far as your MIL goes, just nod, smile and mmmmhmmmm but continue parenting your own way. My MIL was telling me at 3 weeks old to let my Kid CIO. Yeah...whatever.


Here Here!! ITA with all of this

‎"Dont stand unmoving outside the door of a crying baby whose only desire is to touch you. Go to your baby. Go to your baby a million times. Demonstrate that people can be trusted, that the environment can be trusted, that we live in a benign universe. ~ Peggy O Mara
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  #4  
March 6th, 2011, 01:40 PM
Tiki's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I would just suggest nodding and smiling at her, or telling her I will take that into consideration (Then completely ignore what she says, just make her feel like she is being heard). Some people are downright ignorant when it comes to butting into other peoples choices. I really like the AP boards here. If it is an option search out a AP playgroup in your area, it is wonderful to connect with other mothers that are going through the same b/s with family. I love going to my playgroup, I stress that you should find an AP one because at other ones I always feel the odd one out because of my beliefs.. You can still bond very well while bottle feeding, just stroke your baby and gaze into there little eyes with love, Cuddle them and maybe feed them with skin to skin contact. It sounds like you are on the right track, I highly recommend Dr Sears books (All of them as a matter of fact)

Also how long since you stopped breastfeeding? If you still have any milk left you may be able to boost it. Any breast milk is better then done, If you can I would still keep putting him to the breast to get that little bit of milk. I would also suggest going to Le Leche League. They can help with the breastfeeding, give them a call and see what they say, there may be a way to induce lactation again, I have heard of mothers quitting for months and bringing there milk back in. Le Leche League is also a great place to meet other AP moms..
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Last edited by Tiki; March 6th, 2011 at 01:43 PM.
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  #5  
March 6th, 2011, 02:48 PM
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I would tell your MIL that this is how you and DH have chosen to parent & remind her that she has already raised her kids.

My mom had been telling me to put Nathan in his crib more to nap, but when she came to visit she really enjoyed him napping on her chest. I explained that he will only nap for about 20 mins in the crib, but will sleep for about an hour if held.
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  #6  
March 6th, 2011, 03:11 PM
smika's Avatar Super Mommy
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Thank you everyone! I appreciate everything! I have also contacted the Le Leche League in my area hopefully will be able to bring the milk back!
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  #7  
March 6th, 2011, 03:23 PM
zkat's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Welcome and Congratulations!

You are on the right track. AP is a style of parenting that promotes the strongest bond between baby and parents and there are many ways to strengthen those bonds. If you respect your baby, you will earn respect and the bond will naturally strengthen between you. Respect defined = Show regard and consideration for. In our house, that means consideration for what he is capable of comprehending and adjusting reactions to that level. Right now, he is 3 months old and not capable of comprehending much beyond 'this doesn't feel right, I am going to cry because that is all I know how to do and hopefully it gets fixed." and he comprehends "This feels right and I am safe" I want the latter to always be how he feels with us. Along those same lines, he is watching and learning from us every single waking moment, so we treat each other with respect and consideration so that we lead by example and not hypocritical as we teach him boundries later on.

There are many, many ways to continue to bond with your baby. One of our biggest family bonding times is bath/bed time. DH and I bathe him together almost every night and the three of us "talk" about his day until he gets tired, then I nurse him to sleep.

As for unwanted advice, we tailor the response to the person. Most people I just smile and say "Thank you, I will have to remember that" and move on. MIL's are a little different. Most take it as a personal attack on their parenting style if you differ from the way they do it. I would let DH handle it, unless you have that strong of a relationship with MIL. We told DH's mom that doing it different does not mean her way was wrong, just that research has come a long way in 40 years and things that were thought to be OK when she had kids have proven to have negative consequences. She still gets her feelings hurt when I don't take her advice, but her husband reminds her often that I didn't ask for her advice. There are a couple of key points that we felt needed to specificially be brought up with her and I let DH handle it. Discipline and food were the main ones. Instead of DH getting into an ongoing argument about spanking vs not spanking with her that would only result in hurt feelings and a fight, he just said "We feel that if anyone is to spank him, it is going to be us" He just didn't mention that we would not find a reason to spank him. When both our parents told us we needed to get him out of our bed very soon or we would regret it, we told them we are well aware of the possible consequences and are prepared or it. No point in going into all the positive points of co-sleeping, because they ust aren't hearing it.

Again, welcome to our playroom! It is by far the best one on JM!

Kat.
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  #8  
March 6th, 2011, 04:24 PM
MrsBauhaus's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Welcome welcome. Griping about MIL's is one of my specialties. I have a full repertoire of snarky retorts should you need them.

I agree with all my other jingle baby sistas. The most important thing is to address the issues now. Otherwise this will surely snowball. GL!
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  #9  
March 6th, 2011, 09:28 PM
hearts.0nfire's Avatar STPR lover
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Welcome! I think the other ladies gave some wonderful advice. It sounds like you're already doing a wonderful job!
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  #10  
March 7th, 2011, 01:26 PM
Mega Super Mommy
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Originally Posted by hearts.0nfire View Post
Welcome! I think the other ladies gave some wonderful advice. It sounds like you're already doing a wonderful job!


congratulations on your baby boy!
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  #11  
March 7th, 2011, 02:32 PM
Cibershay's Avatar Super Mommy
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Location: Washington
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BigGrin View Post
. Why does an infant need to be independent? So they can get out and get their own apartment by 2?
This totally made me spit coffee on my monitor I laughed so hard.

+10 to what these ladies are saying.

My DH gave me the best advice ever....Do what your mommy gut tells you, you know what is best and what your son needs. Screw your MIL. I agree with the PP who said let your DH deal with it. It is his mother, his family and he knows how to deal with her.

welcome
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  #12  
March 7th, 2011, 04:58 PM
Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Kazoo
Posts: 2,131
Welcome!!

I don't know much about attachment parenting, I think I am probably more traditional, but I totally agree that a baby this young can't cry it out. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS that's for sure! If it's one thing I've learned since I had my first daughter it's that mommies always know best.

I also wanted to say that BFing didn't work out for either of my daughters even though I did my best. My first refused me and my second is lactose intolerant I was worried about bonding and I now see I worried for nothing. My daughters and I are very close They are also very healthy
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