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So I went to Polyester World aka Ross at lunch to try to find something inexpensive to wear out tomorrow night and I felt like having a meltdown in the dressing room. I.am.SO.fat. It's just so depressing. It's hot here, in the 90's already, and I find myself wearing jeans and layering shirts on the weekends. Honestly? I still wear my bella band a LOT because the top half of my tummy is so pudgy. I'm sure it doesn't do much to hide it, but it makes me feel like I am not hanging out all over the place. So anyway, I can't wear shorts cause my legs are fat and shorts make them look like tree trunks. I can't wear tank tops cause my arms are gross. I can't wear capri's because I can't find any that work with my height. I tried on a pair of bermuda shorts that looked promising, but no. So I ended up in the dresses and picked out 2 gauzey summer dresses - both of which I will have to wear a cardigan/shrug over to cover my fatty 2x4 arms. And you know when you wear something flowy like a dress, you tend to look fatter than you are - which is really great. It's just crazy to me how I can get this down about myself and want to change my body so bad .... yet I still struggle with food and exercise. I don't know why my desire to change and have a different body isn't enough to make me 100% focused on weight loss.
I was just at Ross the other day looking for something to wear for Mass on Sunday. I feel ya... I want to wear loose fitting clothes too even though I know they're less flattering, I somehow feel more comfortable. Its weird the way I can look at other people around my size and appreciate their body and not think they look awful when they wear form fitting clothing, but that somehow doesn't apply to me.
And I can get all pumped up about eating right when I'm feeling fat and down on myself, but when I want to eat bad its so easy to be like 'well if I'm gonna be fat anyway I might as well enjoy some good food!' ... its making the right choice repeatedly that is so hard!