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Family Member who insists on Alone Time with My Son


Forum: 2010 Playroom

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  #1  
December 10th, 2011, 12:29 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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I am new to this board and have a question for the other mothers. My husband's brothers wife called me last week and explained that they would be in town for the Christmas holiday.

She asked if they could stop by to visit with my son on Dec 24th. I said of course. She then asked, "Can we take him with us somewhere alone." I said, "I just don't feel comfortable with that." She responded agressively, "Why, why can't he go alone with us, Why!" I was so flabergasted, that I said someone was on the other line and I would have to call her back. He is 20 months old.

Once I figured out how I would tell her no firmly, I called her back and explained that we could all get together so she could visit with our son. She never mentioned "alone time" during the return call and neither did I.

She had asked my husband to take him alone when he was a year old too. When my husband asked me, I told him no and never heard anything about it again.

My son has only been left with us--his parents, his daycare teachers and my mother. I do not feel comfortable leaving him with just anyone.

My husband's brother drinks excessively every single day. When they stay at our house, I wake up to a trash can filled with beer bottles as well as a kitchen counter hidden by a sea of beer bottles. I have also seen his wife sleep until two in the afternoon because of drinking too much the night before. I don't think she has a drinking problem as bad as the husband's, but I don't trust her judgement skills. I have seen her do this on several occasions at the age of 40. She doesn't have any kids. And, she is not the sharpest tool in the shed.

She is very sweet, and I actually like the husband as well. But, I don't want them taking my son alone in the car without me there. I don't like him alone with anyone but me, husband and my mom. No one has ever questioned me on this but her.

Everyone I know has told me to not feel guilty about saying no. I wanted an opinion from other mothers as well.

What do I say to them when they ask again in the future? I know that they will ask again. Quite frankly, the way she responded when I told her no gave me a bad feeling. I don't want to ever leave my son alone with them.

My husband and I argued over this situation. How do I stand up to them and my husband regarding this situation? I would love your opinion and advice.
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  #2  
December 13th, 2011, 07:21 AM
JaxonsMom2010's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I would not be comfortable with letting them take my son alone anywhere whether they drank or not. It is kind of weird sounding in my opinion.
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  #3  
December 13th, 2011, 08:34 AM
CanadianLou's Avatar Laura - mom of 3
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I just think it's weird how they emphasized ALONE. I have let people (my brother, BIL and SIL, mother, and MIL) take my children places without me there, but they never say I am not invited and emphasize the ALONE thing. That is weird to me. So I'd say no too. Makes me wonder why they want the child alone so badly.
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  #4  
December 13th, 2011, 08:46 AM
Max n Meghan's Mom's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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First, welcome to the group!

I honestly don't understand the alone thing, but you're not the only one dealing with this. Meghan's grandfather wants to take her with his new wife to a town an hour away. He wants to take her to Chucky Cheese which isn't even age appropriate for her yet. But the biggest thing is I just don't trust him. Plus the whole "alone" thing just creeps me out.

Good for you for saying flat out no. So far I've just said "We'll think about it." and luckily it hasn't come up again.
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  #5  
December 13th, 2011, 11:37 AM
Racine's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Welcome

My oldest is three and the only time I have ever let him go away with someone without us is when my parents brought him to the hospital when his baby brother was born.

No way, no how am I letting anyone galavant around with my child; particularly if I suspect a drinking problem? You don't have to explain yourself. If it's not enough for them that you're simply not comfortable with it, there's nothing else you can do.
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  #6  
December 13th, 2011, 01:59 PM
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I totally agree with the other ladies. My MIL, who doesn't live in the same town as me, is always suggesting we go out when they visit so they can babysit alone. Weve let them a couple of times, but even that makes me a little uncomfortable because she is SO desperate to do it, although I'm sure it's just because she doesn't get to see them very often. They are visiting over new years and she suggested to me we go out and she would take the kids to the hotel th are staying at or we could stay in the hotel and they would watch them over night...which to that I said hell no, especially since the baby is only 3 months old.

So yeah, I think the stressed alone time is weird...but I'm also not big on people taking my kids places without me.
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  #7  
December 13th, 2011, 02:19 PM
sandpaper06's Avatar Mom of 3 darlings
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Welcome!

I'm with the others. I haven't had something like that come up, but I can guarantee I wouldn't let someone just "take" my kids when they don't know them very well. It's one thing if you trusted them, but this just sounds crazy and creepy.

Good luck! I don't have any advice on how to break it to them, or get your husband on your side, but sometimes (often)we mothers have to just say no to things we're uncertain/uncomfortable about!
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  #8  
December 13th, 2011, 04:19 PM
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I agree that it's weird that she had to emphasize ALONE. I'm a bit paranoid so I'd have thoughts of kidnapping floating through my head!! Also if you know your husband's brother drinks excessively every day... well there's your answer. No way would my child ever visit alone with someone who drinks that much, no matter how old the child was. Even when I leave my kids with trusted friends I still worry, so no way could I leave them with people whose habits you suspect may be a danger to your child with regard to impairment from alcohol, does he still drive after drinking etc. I'm sorry your dh and you had to argue about it but you definitely have to stand firm . To me there is no question of ever changing your mind on that score!
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Last edited by mum74; December 13th, 2011 at 04:22 PM.
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  #9  
December 14th, 2011, 10:53 AM
Bosley's Avatar Hillary
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 1,141
I just wanted to say that you don't ever have to feel apologetic for relying on your momma-bear instincts. We have the instincts for a reason and I would rather be accused of being over-protective or silly than have regrets if something happened to my child. For the first year I almost never let my son's biological dad take him in his car or take him out and about to the mall, park, etc. (I did let him babysit at my house) even though he is one of my closest friends. I still prefer they stay at my house or theirs. I don't let my sister drive with him either because she has had more than one car accident. My mom asked me to reconsider because my sister's feelings were hurt but in the end I felt it was more important to protect my son's safety rather than give in to suit someone's feelings. They get to spend tons of time with my son and even babysit a lot but I control the circumstances.

If your son spent a lot of time with your SIL I might say "oh, maybe they want to surprise you with a Christmas gift" or something like that (my SIL used to like to take her nieces to make surprise handprint shirts, crafts, etc.), but it doesn't sound like that is the case. Their intentions are probably good but you are the one who has to be comfortable so stick with your decision if its what feels right and everyone else can get over it! LOL
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  #10  
December 14th, 2011, 07:26 PM
palmetto_moon's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I fully agree with the other ladies.
If I were a betting woman, I'd go out on a limb and say she probably means no harm, and since she is child-less it's probably more of a "wouldn't it be fun to play house for a day" type of thing. In all liklihood she doesn't mean him any harm and probably just thought it'd be fun for her and her hubby. Since she doesn't have kids, she doesn't get the attachment between mommies and babies or the fact that at 20 months old, babies don't just "go" to hang out with other people.

I'd just explain to her that he is really young right now and that babies his age generally need to stick close to mommy. Don't feel guilty about telling them no. THis is your baby and your choice. I wouldn't let someone take my baby either!
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  #11  
December 15th, 2011, 01:44 PM
..Penelope..'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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That sounds weird to me, too! Trust your instincts, mama!
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