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  #1  
July 2nd, 2010, 06:37 AM
Jaxon04NTaylor08's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,254
Sorry i havent been posting as much lately. Ive had such bad anxiety lately and having issues with my fiance. This post is a rant because I am soo frustrated and dont have anyone else to talk to about it. My fiance and I live with my dad (the basement is like an apartment, kitchen, bathroom, living room etc...) so we pay rent. We pay my dad $400 a month. i pay half and he is supposed to pay half since we keep our money separate. He still owes my dad $50 from last month but has said he doesnt have the money. Well, I woke up at 5:30am this morning and he was up (he works 2nd shift, gets out at 3:30am) playing online poker. I asked him where he got that money and he said he was stupid and put it in his online poker account. He does this all the time, I think I have told him about 100 times in the past couple months to stop spending so much money on poker, its like $100 every week! I said, you KNOW that you owe my dad money and you also know that I am the only one saving up money for the baby. I also buy all of his food, tolietries for the house, well, i pay for everything. He doesnt do anything around the house either, I do laundry, I clean up after the dogs, I take care of my daughter, I cook, I do it all. I feel like im trapped. Being a high risk pregnancy I cant just kick him out cause I need his help and he should help since i didnt get pregnant by myself. I just seriously dont know how long i can do this. Im planning for this baby alone and I know that with my plan I will have plenty of Money for the baby. I am laying some ground rules down today and if he doesnt like them then he can leave. As of right now, i am planning on being a single mom, if he changes thats great and if he doesnt then im ready. Im picking out names on my own and taking care of myself and Taylor. Im not doing his laundry or buying him food. Im going to tell him that he has to give me $25 a week to save for the baby (which is like nothing considering my ex that has no job pays that for child support, well is supposed to but doesnt lol) Sorry this is so long, I dont have anyone else to talk to. Do I seem crazy? He does go grocery shopping for me because Im to sick to go (with my money haha). I guess i figure that since we are engaged, I shouldnt be paying for everything especally since he brings in twice the amount of money a month than I do and I support me and Taylor on it, Plus him.
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  #2  
July 2nd, 2010, 08:08 AM
Soleil's Avatar Happy & Blessed
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Location: Sunny South Florida
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Hey Sweety,

I feel for you and am sending you a giant HUG through cyberspace. My husband and I used to play online games (not poker, but ones where you could spend real life money on in game items, etc) and it really can drain you financially.

I will be praying for your peace of mine and hope he starts putting that money toward rent and/or the new baby!
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  #3  
July 2nd, 2010, 08:14 AM
Jaxon04NTaylor08's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,254
Thanks, Its like he switches addictions, we went from alcohol to drugs to gambling. I dont know what to do anymore. I just found out that he spent the money in the savings account we had for the baby on gambling too.
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  #4  
July 2nd, 2010, 08:16 AM
RayneLynn's Avatar Pregnant Tattoo Artist
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Cocoa, FL
Posts: 228
Honestly hun it sounds like you need to lay some ground rules...which sucks since he is a grown man and shouldn't need them. I personally would wonder what other things he is doing with his money if he is spending this stupidly. He should be supporting his family if he is serious about having one to call his own. Your children won't notice his behavior right away but what about when they are older? They need to know he respects their mother and does right by them because he is their Dad. The fact that you still have to think in terms of "my money" and "his money" is a red flag right there... if you are going to be married part of that is being transparent about the finances, even if you are the type to still have pocket money of your "own". Spending cash aside, it all goes into the communal pot in a marriage. It's the only way to plan for the future, and be able to make major purchases and have savings. How is the situation between you, him, and your parents? Since you live in close proximity to them it seems vital that you would want them on your side if he decides that playing around is more important than maning-up. Can you give any more details? It sounds like a really difficult situation. I was engaged a few years before DH and I started dating. He was a wonderful guy and cared deeply for me, but not enough to make the money side of things work. I was supporting him, as well. He was supposed to be going to school. Every semester he would start off strong, but by the two-week mark he couldn't be bothered to wake up on time. I was commuting to a whole different town to work on the weekend to keep us afloat. When I found out he was spending the rent money on partying with friends while I was gone because he was "lonely", it was over. I left. Since then I hear he actually got his act together, but he never would have if I had stayed. So, you are definitely not the first to love a man that may just not be husband and father material, and you certainly won't be the last. I think you are worth a heck of a lot more than $25.00 a week, and I'm sure a lot of other ladies here would agree.

Lots of hugs, hun. Either way it works out you have challenges ahead. Hopefully he gets his head out of his butt and realizes what is at stake. Let us know how things are going...
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  #5  
July 2nd, 2010, 08:20 AM
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Can you tell him how you're feeling? Maybe if you discuss the fact that you are paying for everything by yourself and he hasn't been helping out, he will begin to understand that he either needs to chip in or you will move on.
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  #6  
July 2nd, 2010, 08:36 AM
alyssasue's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Seattle
Posts: 1,111
I am a chemical dependency counselor, and it sounds like he may have a serious problem with gambling. The best thing that family can do with an addict is absolutely refuse to engage in enabling them. He needs to either quit playing games online (and perhaps seek treatment if he has funding sources) or he needs to go. If you pay for anything for him, it is directly funneling that money he didn't have to spend into his addiction. I know how hard it is, but he won't get better without some tough love. Good luck to you, as I really do know what it feels like. PM me if you need to hun. Big hugs!
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  #7  
July 2nd, 2010, 09:08 AM
dldavenport002's Avatar Super Mommy
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Location: New York
Posts: 864
Wow, I can totally identify with what your going through. My husband is an alcoholic, we have been married for 12 years and every day is a struggle with him. WE actually separated living arrangements over two years ago but still maintained a "relationship"-hence, how I ended up pregnant again. He also spends money like its water running thru his fingers, doesn't help around the house, blames me for his addictions...I could go on and on. Since Ive become pregnant he has been "trying", but I have emotionally detached from him long ago so I no longer have any sympathy for him or belief that things will change. It has taken me years to detach and break away from being a co-dependant. I had actually told my husband that I was going to file for divorce, then a few days later found out I was pregnant. I was floored...this put me in a precarious situation. He wants to move right back in, but I wont let him. We have already separated all assetts etc. and I dont want to mix things up again just to have to deal with fallout later on.

My suggestion to you is to get involved with Al-anon...they will help you understand the addict and most importantly how to "live" your life in spite of his issues. Im here to tell you that it wont be any easy road...after years and years Im still standing smack dab in the middle of it. For me, no matter how much I still care for him or how bad it makes me feel to turn a cold shoulder its the best gift I can give him if it leads to his sobriety.

Hang in there- keep taking small steps a day at a time. If you need to talk offline feel free to pm me.
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  #8  
July 2nd, 2010, 09:23 AM
Stilettos-N-Sippys's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: West Virginia
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Awww, Casey... I feel your pain. Having a man be there and be like that is almost more frustrating than having him not be there at all. I think you're completely right for laying down the law, maybe that's what he needs to wake up. He DEFINITELY shouldn't be blowing money on poker when he hasn't fully paid his part of the rent! It sounds like he needs to get his priorities straight...

I know that people with addictions often do go from one to the other... That's a complicated matter that I have zero advice for... In fact, I should probably be the LAST person giving you relationship advice! lol

Good luck my dear, you're doing the right thing! Be sure and let us know how it goes.
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  #9  
July 2nd, 2010, 09:27 AM
Lucky Mama's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Utah
Posts: 5,575
First of all, I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I don't understand why guys just don't "get it" sometimes. Big hugs to you, hon.

Secondly, I agree with the PPs: it sounds like he may have a gambling addiction. My husband has a serious problem with gaming in general. When DD was born, it got so bad, I didn't think we were going to make it. Even now, he doesn't see what the big deal is. It breaks my heart, but he doesn't seem to care/understand.

It seems like your only option is to play hardball and lay down the law. Especially since he makes more than you do, he should be contributing to household expenses and saving for the baby. Time to man-up and provide for his family. I would hope that he would be willing to save more than $25 a week for the baby you two made together.

Again, I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. KUP. More hugs!
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  #10  
July 2nd, 2010, 10:00 AM
RinkMom's Avatar Super Hockey Mom
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Location: Canada
Posts: 2,524
Casey, it does not sound like you are in a good situation. I hope than you can work things out with him and get him to see the light. You will need money to support two kids and this baby us HIS too. It sounds lime you might need to get outside help to curb his addiction. I know you feel as though you need him around because you are high risk but this stress can't be good for you either.

Good luck!
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  #11  
July 2nd, 2010, 11:53 AM
sblades19's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Posts: 2,930
(((HUGS))) You are not alone Hunny. I was surprised to see that several of you have gone through or going through similar things with their SO. When DH and I first got married, he went through a phase of blowing all of our money on online poker. It lasted about a month. I don't remember what I did, but he stopped. Then from there his drinking increased. It seemed like it was one thing after another and I was struggling. I shared this on Cassie's post, but we went through some seriously hard times...I was leaving. Our marriage was over! But we got help, we both made the changes we needed to make our marriage work. We are very happy because of it. Now I am not saying life is perfect but it does take work. You need to nip this in the bud, Sweetie. I am really sorry you are going through this. :/
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  #12  
July 2nd, 2010, 12:25 PM
mommy2mykiddos's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Posts: 3,209
Oh Casey I'm so sorry you have to deal with all that. You have to talk to him, get it all out and come to some kind of agreement. Communication is the only way to solve a problem, if he isnt willing to contribute then you have to decide how you want to deal with that. Good luck hun, sending prayers your way.
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  #13  
July 2nd, 2010, 01:01 PM
Soleil's Avatar Happy & Blessed
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Location: Sunny South Florida
Posts: 1,470
Gambler's Anonymous might also be a good place to go for resources. I am wishing you and your new little bean the best, my dear. We're all here for you!!!
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  #14  
July 2nd, 2010, 02:37 PM
JessMitch's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Connecticut
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Ugh i'm sorry you are going through that. You need to put the kabosh on that online poker thing right now in my opinion! He can't pay your dad 50 bucks but he can afford to throw away 100 a week on stupid online gambling?? I would not put up with that at all! Do you think he has a gambling problem or is it more of a hobby? because that can lead to being a dangerous hobby. my BIL plays online poker and while it's not 'out of control' quite yet... he spends way to much money for someone who doesn't have a job. I think you should have a talk with him for sure.. he needs to know that this isn't just your baby.
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  #15  
July 2nd, 2010, 03:55 PM
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Wow! I agree with the others, you definitely need to put your foot down now before he takes it any further. He needs to realize that he has responsibilities and can't blow all of his money on gambling. I would definitely communicate your feelings to him and try to get him help. If he doesn't want to change, sadly it's going to be almost impossible to make him. I hope that everything works out and he shapes up!
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  #16  
July 2nd, 2010, 04:04 PM
dldavenport002's Avatar Super Mommy
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Location: New York
Posts: 864
I have been reading everyones responses to Casey and I think some have missed an important part of her post. If Im not mistaken, the gambling is just the current addiction... it's probably going to be more difficult than just sitting down to have a talk with him. All I can say Casey it to stand your ground and live your life for you and your children...thats whats important. If your having difficulty dealing with it, then outside help is always available...Alanon is the best place to go. Hugs
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  #17  
July 2nd, 2010, 06:35 PM
nelle15's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: louisiana
Posts: 124
So sorry you are dealing with this now. The baby's savings account would have sent me over the edge, violence would probabaly have been involved (though not particularly helpful) I don't have any advice, just sending you T&Ps
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