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  #1  
February 21st, 2011, 03:58 PM
MissImpatientlyWaiting's Avatar Super Mommy
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I have avoided posting about this because I just haven’t been emotionally ready to tell many people yet, but the time has come. I feel like I am keeping a huge secret and I hate that feeling. So here goes- my husband and I separated about a month ago. I am going through everything alone.
It was mutual at the time and we were planning on working on things but they turn more sour with every passing day. At this point I don’t know that I even want him back.
He was a willing participant when we were TTC, he acted nervous but a lot of men do, especially first time dads. Then I got pregnant the first month. I guess this freaked him out. He became short tempered with me, and refused to help me with anything. He was all about his video games and hanging out with his friends. This was an issue before I got pregnant I should have been wiser. Anyway then my morning sickness hit and it was awful those of you who have been here from the beginning are aware that I ended up in the hospital and was on zofran and it was terrible I lost a ton of weight. Well during this time I was taking care of myself. He would only get me something if I waited till a “save point” on whatever game he was playing. The Sunday I ended up in the ER he left for work and I called my mom to come over to help me (we live next door) when she walked in I was laying with my head over the side of the bed heaving into a garbage bag, every dish in the house was dirty and piled in the sink and there were 7 bags of trash in the kitchen cause he wouldn’t go to the dump. She went ballistic and took me to her house where she took care of me and then took me to the ER that night. Even after I got home things did not improve the opposite in fact he became worse and told me that apparently I was going to be sick for a long time so I just needed to get used to it.

There is even more to it but I gave the highlights. If I told everything this would be ten pages long.

Four weeks ago as I said we separated. I am not going to raise a husband while I raise a baby. He has gotten increasingly harsh with me not caring how much he upsets me or stresses me out.
Tonight is the first time I have truly contemplated seeing a lawyer. He just called me at work and started this whole new round of stuff. He hates my cat always has for no reason other than she is not a dog. He is now claiming that I am going to be a bad mother because I won’t get rid of my cat when the baby is born. The place I am living in is studio style so it is all open except for the bathroom. He says HIS MOTHER claims that the cat will smell milk on the baby and kill it. I told him that he is being stupid that is an old wives tale. Oh but he claims its scientific fact and that I am choosing my cat over my child. And that I am not ready to be a mother.
I hate him right now I really do. How dare he say that to me! I have wonted nothing more than to be a mother for my entire life and nothing is more important to me than this baby. That said I am not going to get rid of my cat simply because he hates it and fears some old wives tale. Obviously I am not going leave them unsupervised and the cat will be locked in the bathroom at night. UGH HELP ladies! I am at my wits end!
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  #2  
February 21st, 2011, 04:15 PM
Jessie0505's Avatar Finally a Mommy!
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Oh hun!! im soo very sorry you are having to go through this..men have no concept of how our emotions work!! I dont know what is going on in his head but it sounds as if he is panicing..like he doesnt know what to do..the whole not taking care of you thing though is sad..it sounds to me like he has an addiction to the video games..i wish i knew what to tell you there..i wish i knew..im just so sorry you are having to deal with all of this..and i know that trying a long time for a baby can really mess with you...and not in a good way...sweetie..i dont know what you should do only you can make that choice..but i will be praying for you that you find peace with your decision! HUGS!!
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  #3  
February 21st, 2011, 04:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MissImpatientlyWaiting View Post
He is now claiming that I am going to be a bad mother because I won’t get rid of my cat when the baby is born. The place I am living in is studio style so it is all open except for the bathroom. He says HIS MOTHER claims that the cat will smell milk on the baby and kill it. I told him that he is being stupid that is an old wives tale. Oh but he claims its scientific fact and that I am choosing my cat over my child. And that I am not ready to be a mother.
Oh Pahlease. I have cats and they've done nothing to my kids, they stay away at all costs! I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like someone has a lot of growing up to do. I wish I had the answers for you.
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  #4  
February 21st, 2011, 04:33 PM
Destiny
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What a crummy situation, my husband and I had to deal with video game addiction fairly early in our relationship, but fortunately for us he listened to me and we worked together to help him get over it.
He obviously isn't dealing well, some people expect you to deal with pregnancy as if it doesn't affect you at all. I think that it's awful that he won't step up and help you when you need him, when you're obviously too sick to function.
Also, the thing about the cat is stinkin' stupid, there's a time your pet needs to adjust, but that doesn't mean you have to get rid of it.
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  #5  
February 21st, 2011, 04:42 PM
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I can tell you that I have 2 cats and they have NEVER bothered Mady. They sniffed her the day we brought her home and that is it. Good luck with whatever you decide to do, but just make sure whatever you do, it's for the good of YOU and the baby.
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Last edited by silver11princess; February 21st, 2011 at 04:51 PM.
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  #6  
February 21st, 2011, 06:11 PM
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I am glad you decided to post and not keep it in like a secret. You must be going through a lot of stress. I am sorry you have to deal with all this right now. He sounds like a real jerk, my ex was a video game junkie as well and it is seriously no joke. It was an addiction plain and simple and it was no fun. You don't deserve to be treated that way.
With all the stress in your life now, maybe you could find a counselor to talk to one on one and just try and get some of those feelings out there and deal with them.
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  #7  
February 21st, 2011, 06:18 PM
MissImpatientlyWaiting's Avatar Super Mommy
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I am speaking with a minister and I have a very strong support system with my family, I guess it's the pregnancy side of things I struggle with. It's hard to deal with a pregnancy alone, when I feel Alex kicking there is no dad there to share it. I guess him saying those things about me putting the cat above my child and making me sound like I am endangering the baby's life REALLY sent me over the edge and I had to vent to you ladies.
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  #8  
February 21st, 2011, 06:22 PM
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I'm sorry that you are going through this. Pregnancy can be a big stress on a marriage. I hope that you find some peace. I don't think for a moment that you should get rid of your cat.
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  #9  
February 21st, 2011, 06:29 PM
Demetria's Avatar Mama to an Angel :(
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Oh wow!!! That is tough to be going though. Its like a hostile environment for you, I am sorry that you are having to deal with this. My advice is to go on and look at your options with a lawyer. People often don't change, sometimes they do, but most often they don't. I do hope everything works out for the best which ever option you choose. Its good that you have a steady support system with your family!
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  #10  
February 21st, 2011, 06:32 PM
MissImpatientlyWaiting's Avatar Super Mommy
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Yes I am going to talk to a lawyer soon. I hate doing it and I feel like a failure but at the same time he is getting worse not better, and I have to have things in place for me and baby. Do any of you know what rights he has to the baby after he's born but before we get in court the first time for custody? Honestly at this point I do not trust him to take proper care of himself let alone my child.
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  #11  
February 21st, 2011, 06:40 PM
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I hope that by sharing your story, you start to feel better - everyone on this board is so supportive.
Pregnancy is such a stressful time without having to deal with everything you have going on. As you make decisions, remember to put you and your baby first.
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  #12  
February 21st, 2011, 06:47 PM
Demetria's Avatar Mama to an Angel :(
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Well your not the failure hun, Its him that is actually failing you and the baby! As far as custody, well, of course I dont have a law degree but I can tell you that you would probably have to have some sort of court order in place in order to get full custody or just have him only have visitation rights.
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  #13  
February 21st, 2011, 06:59 PM
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Oh hun! That's terrible. I am glad that you decided to open up and come to us for support. I am so sorry that you have such a deadbeat husband. I'm not sure about the rights but I think that if he and you are married, that he has as much "custody" as you, so I definitely wouldn't let him ever be alone with the baby!! (Not only because it sounds like he can't take care of himself, let alone a small innocent child!)

I don't know if it helps but I was raised in a house with 6 cats and there were 6 babies raised there and none of us were ever smothered or killed because we smelled like milk! So don't get rid of your furry friend!!
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  #14  
February 21st, 2011, 07:07 PM
lovebug79's Avatar Veteran
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Going thru that myself. The difference being a month after we found out I was pregnant, he moved all his stuff out & I have not heard from him since. Don't know where he is..don't even care at this point. That was two months ago. When you talk to a lawyer, they will more than likely ask you to settle on custody, visitation, and child support now. They like to tie all that up in a neat little package even before the baby is born, as it saves trips back to the court later on. His visitation with the baby will be whatever you two agree upon. If he will agree to no over nights than you can have that. If y'all cannot agree the judge usually falls back on standard, which is every other weekend and one weekday (even with infants).
Don't feel like a failure and (as hard as it is) don't dwell on what you are missing out on with him being gone. If he isn't interested now, he wouldn't have been the daddy that was there to feel the baby ick and be loving and doting anyway. If things were bad, it is less stress on you with him gone & that is better for you and baby. It bothered me at first that I would be doing this whole pregnancy all by myself, but now I am fine with it. I cherish all the little kicks and the movements, the milestones.... he is the one missing out, but in my case, he doesn't care at all. He blamed me for getting pregnant and was nasty and ugly to me as soon as we found out. Ummm..hello..YOU WERE THERE! How about taking responsibility for your part??? Yeah, he didn't (and this "man" is 47!) You cannot make them change, but don't let it ruin this special time for you. Enjoy your pregnancy. Hugs!
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  #15  
February 21st, 2011, 07:10 PM
*PurpleMidnight*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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((hugs)) cats are fine with babys! sorry he's being so horrible!
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  #16  
February 21st, 2011, 07:10 PM
MissImpatientlyWaiting's Avatar Super Mommy
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I have not for one second even considered getting rid of my cat, I too was raised with a whole house of them and was never harmed nor was my sister. Well not by the cats maybe by me lol. It just cut me deeper than anything he has ever said to tell me that I am putting my cat over my child.
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  #17  
February 21st, 2011, 07:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kelsie View Post
Oh Pahlease. I have cats and they've done nothing to my kids, they stay away at all costs! I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like someone has a lot of growing up to do. I wish I had the answers for you.
my cats quite fancy my children when they eat no killing here

but in all seriousness, i am so sorry you are going through this. it sounds like he is really freaked out about becoming a dad, but hey - he was there to TTC too - he had to know this could happen. It really sucks you have to go through this alone HUGS!!
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  #18  
February 21st, 2011, 08:58 PM
lam lam is offline
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It was a little different but I went through the break-up with my ex while pregnant with my DS. It was pretty brutal. I am glad you did not keep this a secret because it's something that you are going to live with for the rest of your life... it is VERY hard not to be bitter and angry!

That said, my son is the most magnificent thing that ever happened to me, and I know with my entire heart that he saved me from my ex. We were together eight years, and I believe we might still be together (unhappily) had the pregnancy not come along and, in some ways, served as a catalyst for our demise.

(I have since met a fantastic man, married him, and we are pregnant with DS2).

As for the rights and what not: it is VERY hard for a court to strip a parent of their rights. I looked into it. However, if you can easily document that you are the sole caregiver, nobody will do anything like take Alex away from you. No way, no how. Do you plan on having the father there for the birth? On the birth certificate? Unfortunately, my ex is on the birth certificate and therefore he is the rightful father. He has provided very, very little support in the last few years, and he has seen his son a grand total of 45 minutes in the last two. So... obviously not a dad. YET, if he wanted to somehow sue me for partial custody, he could technically do so. My point is - see a lawyer. It's worth it to know what your rights are.

Good luck to you in the coming months. It sucks going through pregnancy alone. However, I have zero doubts about my own strength as a result of that time period in my life. I grew a lot, and all of it was for the better. Hang in there.
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  #19  
February 22nd, 2011, 06:54 AM
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I am so sorry you are going through this!! You can vent to us anytime. He sounds like a real piece of work!! Who lets the dishes n garbage pile up like that when their pregnant wife is very sick!! That's unacceptable. I'm not if it's worth working on either, if he's already acting this way what will he do when the baby is here!? He needs to grow up!! And the thing about the cat? That's so ridiculous. Ugh, I'm so sorry like being preggo isn't strssful enough!
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  #20  
February 22nd, 2011, 07:57 AM
lovebug79's Avatar Veteran
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As to the cat thing- RIDICULOUS!!! You could tell him that if he watched the movie Cat's Eye he would know it is not the cat but little gremlins that suck the life out of the baby....DUH!! (please note the sarcasm in that statement)
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