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I just found JM and discovered today that we can keep an online journal here. I think that this is a fantastic platform to share everything that's going on, the ups and downs, the agonies and delights of being pregnant. Including the stuff no one ever tells you about, until you get pregnant and begin to discover, sometimes with pleasure, but mostly in dismay.
I'm nearly 18 weeks pregnant today. When I found out I was pregnant, I was already at 6 weeks. In those ignorant 6 weeks I was doing my usual and sometimes unusual binges of exercise, diet, party and even smoking. One can only guess the feelings of guilt that swept over me, alongside the neverending waves of nausea when I found out I was actually pregnant.
(And this was despite taking a home test when my periods first got delayed and the sordid kit reassured me that I was not pregnant and therefore quite licensed to continue with my excesses.) So the first truth really is that sometimes it takes longer for the hormones to show on your home pregnancy test - good idea to double check after a while.
But anyhow, I went on an all healthy, clean and disciplined lifestyle from that day on. It was the eve of Christmas and we announced to our parents. The next 6 weeks were spent in some anticipation because we could not tell anyone else, had to field lots of questions about why the sudden abstenance. We were waiting for the 12 week mark and the first screening for Down Syndrome.
When at 13 weeks we saw the first scan, it was almost unreal. There it was, my little baby, with arms and legs that moved about so fast. It was swimming inside me and I couldn't yet feel it. Seeing the baby on screen and hearing the heart beat suddenly made it all so much more real.
The second trimester brought some good news as I was feeling physically better. But as my focus began to shift from my own physical miseries of first trimester towards a more normal life, many emotional issues began to surface.
I was angry. And lonely and miserable. I still am. But sometimes it would come out as uncontrollable rage, turning me into a fire breathing dragon that would singe anything in its path. I simply go out of control and it would only isolate me further because non-pregnant people (i.e. husbands) dont always know what hormones can do to a woman. Mine chose to escape. He started resenting my temper, even telling me that I need to get a handle on things before I harm the baby...
The more I am left alone, the more I get agitated and feel deserted. The emotional issues around being pregnant are conveniently forgotten when the whole world advises you to have a baby or when they come expecting a glowing mom-to-be.
Some of us aren't so lucky. We have to work hard to support ourselves financially. We spends years building careers and being strong and independent. To suddenly be in a position where one cannot do as much physically and even intellectually, is daunting. It makes you feel vulnerable and dependant on others. I feel desperate at times and last two weeks have been particularly rough for me.
The pregnancy hormones around 17th-18th week are supposed to make you emotional. Since I am already carrying old stress and pain (of having lost my younger brother), I suppose it also brings out all the rage and feelings of loneliness.
No one told me this would be an emotional rough ride. I was holding it together somehow and now here I am, barely in control. And just because you're pregnant, doesn't mean people will be around to take your tantrums. Unless you are really lucky.
I do envy those women who are pampered from the day they find out they are pregnant. People love them and take care of them, spoil them, cater to their cravings.... Those women who are made to feel extra special... if you are one of them, count your blessings. Because for a lot of us this is a very lonely journey.
If you are like me, if you need to talk, if you think you can help me, please reach out. I hope that through this journal I will be able to resolve some things for myself and may be help other women in my shoes too.
So after a weekend of some salon pampering I'm feeling much better!! Some credit to the husband for making an effort to talk and tell me whats going on in his head too. After months I met up with some girl friends on saturday and they made me feel really nice!
Pregnancy symptoms are quite a range of ever changing challenges though. For the first time in my life I'm getting pimples on my face! My nose is perpetually blocked and I can't sleep well at night.... I'm now 18 weeks into my pregnancy.
I'm not as angry as I had been last couple of weeks and I'm also finding my focus shifting slowly towards my pregnancy and a lot of the other nonsense is not hassling me as much. The baby flutters a bit now and then, it's like tiny litte bubbles or tap-taps and people can now tell that I'm pregnant.
Finding a whole new wardrobe is something I had not planned for and looks like I'm going to have to shell out a bomb to find things that fit and which I won't outgrow in 2 weeks..!
So glad things have changed a bit... I couldn't cope with the anger and stress last week. Nothing has resolved really, just feeling a little better.