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Today we are 6 weeks away from meeting face to face. It will be the longest 6 weeks yet. I wanted to tell you that while I complain regularly about this pregnancy, and you could ask anyone how I feel about being pregnant and they will tell you I loathe pregnancy; that I love you. Every time I say something about how much I can't wait for it to be over, I feel a little guilty. But I don't think lying to myself or others would honestly be better. I do hate it Ro and that makes me feel so horrible. I worry that if something were to happen to me and you were to live on with just daddy, that no one would be able to tell you that I loved you. Or nice stories about how much I loved this whole experience. Because I don't. I feel so guilty because this is the only time it is you and me, it's all the time we get to be alone before you will face the world and you, daddy & I will face it together. But I can't enjoy it. It hurts, I feel sick all the time, I can't sleep, I constantly worry about how you are in there. I'm a wreck. So completely not what mommy is like...
I wanted you this whole time, just not all the nifty side effects of growing you into the perfect creature that you are. You were created out of love and are the purest and most precious life your daddy and I have encountered, though we have yet to meet. There was never a moment I wished I wasn't pregnant, just that it could be the end of pregnancy and you were here already. Maybe I love you so much and my impatient nature of knowing what and when I want things is part of my huge issue with pregnancy. I feel like I need you here now, and maybe that's why I despise pregnancy: it is the only thing barring me from you and therefore my enemy.
I wanted to share some moments with you of this pregnancy that I did love. Just so you're aware that I didn't hate every single moment, and every happy moment completely made up for every time I wished I had a perfect pregnancy.
The moment I saw the positive pregnancy line. As I said before, you were wanted. Never was there a moment that I hoped I wasn't pregnant. I took tests like crazy hoping that maybe our "accident" could become our miracle. When I took the test the day daddy and I got home from our honeymoon, and it came back negative I was shattered. We tried for you, no accidents about it. I was sure that if this test was negative that I had missed our window. Daddy and I had decided that if we didn't get pregnant this time, we would wait a year to even try... It was about a week later I started feeling sick, exhausted and sore. I thought for sure I was coming down with something. Daddy joked that maybe I really was pregnant. I waited until it had been two weeks since we got home from our honeymoon before I took another test. Daddy was already at work and I had to work in a couple hours, but I just couldn't wait any more to take it with daddy there. I was at Yaya's house and the positive pregnancy line showed up before the control line did. I stared in wonder. I lost my breath. I smiled uncontrollably like the day daddy and I married. I screamed in excitement. I danced up and down the hall. I cried from happiness. I caressed my tummy. I loved you. Instantly.
The first time we heard your heartbeat. I knew you were alive and well in there and they confirmed you were created on our honeymoon. Making you the best expression of love your daddy and I have. I saw your little tiny heart beating away at only 6 weeks and 6 days. I knew then you would be my little and lovable monster. A perfect being. Daddy was in awe, Yaya was there and she cried. I just stared, knew that you miraculous and my heart swelled in pride for what daddy and I had made: you.
The first time I felt you move. It was the first thing in the morning and you had slid all the way over to one side. I just felt a small tickle; we were only 14 weeks along. Many told me that it was impossible to feel you that early, but I knew it was you knocking on my belly to tell your mommy you were going to grow up strong. I didn't feel you regularly for several more weeks, or even every day; but you would check in when I was worrying, like you knew you had to inform me you were ok.
Finding out you are a boy. To be able to call you by your name and tell everyone we are so proud to be welcoming a son into our family. The look on daddy's face when the tech told us that the image we were seeing meant you are a boy. He is so proud of you already and his love for you makes pregnancy easier for me.
The first time daddy felt you move. I was in the bath and I never followed that rule about taking cooler baths. You were always the most active during a hot bath so I called in daddy and he placed his hand on my tummy and you popped him a good one. Our love for you grew every moment.
The first time I felt you move from the outside. I just had my hand resting on my tummy and you gave me my first above the belly button kick. I was so excited that I could feel you in a whole new way. That day I had no idea how miserable pregnancy was.
The first time you danced to music. It was a song called "Tell Me When to Go" and mommy loved it in high school. You loved it, too. We tried lots of music after this and discovered your favorite song was "Halo" by Beyonce. I swear you would keep the beat on every eighth count of the song. I loved that you were already musically inclined.
The first time the doctor had to chase you all over my tummy to check your heartbeat. This became a regular occurrence for you at office visits and it always makes me giggle. Sometimes you kick the doppler and it sounds like thunder. You are already so strong and free-spirited, a perfect representation of daddy and mommy. I loved you giving them a rough time. Just like mommy.
The ultra sound where I could see you moving on the screen AND feel you moving inside my tummy. What an incredible experience! You managed to amaze me with something you regularly do and I loved you more.
The first time I saw my tummy bounce from your movement. I was shocked. I couldn't believe you could actually make my tummy move with your shifting. I was in awe and just stared at my tummy as you put on a show for me. You soon showed daddy your new skill and watching you became our favorite past-time. Now every time you move my tummy bounces and it fills my heart with love to see you are still showing me how big you're getting.
The night that I realized I hadn't felt you all day as I was very busy unpacking in our new house... I sobbed to daddy. I told him how terrible I felt for not even noticing you weren't moving. He got out his phone and played "Halo", setting it on my tummy. It didn't take long for you to SHOW us that you were just fine. I cried with relief and daddy rubbed my tummy. I realized then that you were certainly our every reason for living.
I hope that these memories show you how amazing, wonderful, fascinating, stunning and marvelous you are to me. I love you more than I could ever express and we have not even met. I cannot imagine the way you will fill my heart and complete my life more than you already have.
I can hardly wait to meet you, but I want you to be healthy and safe. While it's uncomfortable for me to be pregnant, every moment is worth it for you. I'd do anything for you. I love you so much Roghan. Please know that mommy always has and always will.
Today I called about getting a 3D ultrasound. They are on sale, and I can hardly wait to meet you! I think daddy might be gifting me with an appointment for my first Mother's Day. I really hope that we get to do it. And that you aren't stubborn about showing your face like at all your other ultrasounds!! We would get a DVD and someday I could show you how you looked before you were big enough to take on the planet. I'm sure you're the most handsome creature in existence already!
Daddy also organized your room today. We don't have any furniture in there yet and have some things we want to do like paint and change the floors to make it suitable for you, but don't you worry. It will be ready for you when you get here! Daddy wants it done before the baby shower. At least the paint and floors. I'm getting excited to put all your things in place so you will have your own little space once you're no longer in the little space I provide!!
You were very active today... Several times you were so all over that your movements hurt me! But when I repositioned myself I could get you into a more comfortable spot. I think you'll sleep well tonight since you were non-stop all day! It was nice that you reminded me you were ok, instead of me having to shake my tummy to check on you! You have also sort of dropped, off to one side. So my belly is lopsided with you off to my right. It's kinda silly lookin! I am just hoping that you have gone head down. At 28 weeks your head was snuggled up to my ribs. You had plenty of time to turn and flip lots more times before now, I'm crossing my fingers for you to have best positioned yourself for birth.
Last night we took you to the ER for the first time. You were such a champ and I loved you even more.
At about 7 Daddy noticed your dirty diaper had blood in it. I called your doctor, who happened to be on call, and she said I had better go in to have you checked out since you are so young. Yaya was here and Daddy had gone on a call for work. I just held you and kissed your head. All I could do was think of all the horrible things that could happen there...
Yaya went to go get me some dinner and Daddy came home while she was gone. I cried to him because I was so scared for you. Daddy gave you a once over and said you looked fine, this is just in case. I asked him why on earth was he not freaking out and he said that someone had to stay sane.
I packed your bag nice and full and then had some dinner. We took off to the hospital and found out you were up to 10lbs and 12oz! Nearly two pounds since your last appointment on July 14th. They ran some tests and the doctor decided you were just constipated and told me to give you pedialyte. I am scared to, I don't want to cause nipple confusion and make your feeding times harder. I do want you to have an easier time, so we'll see what we can do. Maybe I will drink the pedialyte? Hehe. I'd do anything for you my monster.
I love you more than the stars in the sky.
Elan Dakota 7/28/2012
Paxx Tarlow & Sage Finley 10/20/2012
Rhys Caelan 5/3/2013
Last edited by Tree_Love; August 3rd, 2011 at 01:29 AM.