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OT: Broken dreams/marriage...help (long) *update 15*


Forum: 2011 Playroom

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  #1  
May 30th, 2011, 02:23 PM
mzbrnbear's Avatar GabrielandLiliana'sMommy
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Murfreesboro, TN
Posts: 491
First I want to start by saying how much you ladies mean to me. I know that we don't know each other in person, but we share a common thread, and this is by far one of the greatest group of people ever. ALWAYS supportive, and lending an ear. It is like an AA meeting for alcoholics, somewhere you can go where people can understand. Thank you!

Now: Most of you know me some, but I will recap. I am almost 15wks. pregnant, I have a son who sill be 3 in 2 months, and a daughter who sill be 2 in 1 month. It took me 12 loooonng years to get pregnant, and my kids are my world! (I'm sure you can relate ...I have been having marital problems off and on for over a year now, and it has it's ups and downs, but honestly, I am VERY unhappy! I feel trapped here. With my pregnancy, cerclage, two toddlers, etc. I feel it is almost impossible to just leave, or have him leave for mostly financial reasons, but when/how do you say enough is enough. How do I know that what is happening here at home is not going to do some damage, is it right to stay just for financial stability??? I am so lost and confused! I am open to any advice/questions that anyone may have.
Thanks again for listening!
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Last edited by mzbrnbear; June 6th, 2011 at 07:03 AM.
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  #2  
May 30th, 2011, 02:37 PM
Six in the City
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 803
First I want to off huge hugs. I know the feelings all too well. For me personally after a lot of soul searching I realized that we all have our limits and what is our limit on when we say enough is enough and none of us can tell you what that limit is for you personally. But for me, I haven't hit that limit just yet. There are days yes where I feel like I am at my limit or surpassing it and then there are still those days when I see a glimmer of what our life used to be life (not at all in correlation to the kids just our relationship). That glimmer is what keeps me holding on. I don't know if you guys have considered trying marriage counseling or not but we did for awhile and it really made a difference and as soon as my husband is off of his military orders we are going to get back into the counseling. The rule of thumb we were told by our counselor who I really found helpful was that we should be willing to dedicate 1 month per year we have been together in order to give it a fair try. So that is what we will do. 7 months of marriage counseling and if after that 7 months we will make a decision from there. And I should tell you I completely relate to the financial aspect. We have 3 kids, and 1 on the way. I haven't worked for almost 6 years now. I have no real "worth" as far as financial stability in our family and that's what my husband does, that's what we had always agreed on. It was fine in the beginning but now it seems like it's a way to keep me around because I can't leave, where would I go? But for me I have realized that it's a little more than the financial reasons that is keeping me here. I still have the desire to try and fix this, even if my husband doesn't see it. I want to give it another try so after this pregnancy is over if things still aren't what I want and deserve for me and the kids, then I can leave.

I know I didn't offer a lot of advice but I guess what I am saying is that you will know when you are at your limit if leaving is what is best for you all then there are ways around the financial need. There is assistance, and I know not everyone wants to be on it but it's there for when you need it. There is health insurance (in most states if need be), Section 8 for the low-rent housing option, food stamps and financial assistance until you can get on your feet. If there is a will there is a way. Good luck.
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  #3  
May 30th, 2011, 03:06 PM
Mega Super Mommy
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I dont have any advice but feeling the same way right now I hope it gets better for you!
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  #4  
May 30th, 2011, 03:52 PM
Jenilope's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm so sad to hear that all three of you are feeling so unhappy.

I agree though, that only you can decide when enough is enough.

I will share that my parents stuck it out in an unhappy marriage for 25 years "for the kids" and my sisters and I were all worse for the wear from it, I truly belive. They had other personal problems (like alcoholism) that certainly contributed, but, I thank God every night that I met my husband when I did because growing up the way that I did, I really had the feeling that marriage was about convenience and financial stability, not about love or romance and the best I could hope for was a guy who shared some of my values, didn't turn me off physically, and maybe end up content. When I met my husband, I swear it was nearly love at first sight and I really believe that if I hadn't met him when I did I would have ended up in an unfulfilling (or worse) marriage because of the example my parents set. But, their divorce was amicable, amazingly. Go figure, it was the only thing they could really agree on!

If you do decide that enough is enough, or if you're feeling close, I would strongly suggest that you go talk to a lawyer (there are free family and legal aid attorneys in pretty much every city--call your local bar assiciation for a referral) and that lawyer can give you a better idea of what you can expect, both financially and custodially, in a divorce settlement or judgement, and what steps you can take to protect your interests and those of your kids before you make the announcement. Also, some states will not grant a divorce decree while the wife is pregnant, so you'd want to ask about a time line.

And if there is any abuse at all--emotional, physical, sexual, etc.--then you must put the safety of yourself, your kids and your unborn baby first and go to a shelter or visit social services or call the police.

I hope that all of you are able to find happiness soon, whether it is with or without your spouse.
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  #5  
May 30th, 2011, 04:16 PM
Kit Kat's Avatar Photoshop Addict
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I don't have any advice, as I've never been in your position, but I just wanted to offer some to you!!
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  #6  
May 30th, 2011, 07:13 PM
Mom to minions's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Michigan
Posts: 657
Once upon a time I was in a marriage where I was very unhappy. Despite what you think now, it does impact the kids. I was unhappy and angry quite a bit. I did my best to be happy for the minions. Still, looking back, I realize that they know I was unhappy and that some of their acting out (not that I saw it as that at the time) was due to it.

Long story short, I lost almost EVERYTHING. I lost most of my possessions, the mobile home I bought before I got married, and all but one of my beloved pets (My friend took in one for me till I got on my feet). What I had was pictures, the boy's bed, clothes, and a few toys. Basically what little would fit in back of a barely running suburban.

I was in a shelter with a 3 month old and 2 toddlers. My friends and family all turned their backs on me. Yeah, it is a year and a half later and I still have no quite forgiven my parents. We are civil, and get along fine for the minions, but I am not all cuddly like I use to be. I will not lie, I was a mess. I was upset, angry and just trying to keep us all together. I have never received child support. Yet I made it. I managed to move into an apartment of my own (non government or low income) after several months. I know some women that it takes longer, I was lucky. I had just the right break come along with a job and housing show up that I could afford.

I stood on my own (no gov housing and food stamps for only 3 months) for a year before SO and I moved in together. And now I am with a mostly wonderful man (lol no one is perfect). I am happy. The minions are happy. My father and friend even mentioned that they have never seen the minions happier. Even with an ex that fights tooth a nail because he does not want a divorce... Why? IDK. I have even had his mother call CPS on me multiple times!!!! Every time they come out, the minions are happy, the house is clean for a house with toddlers, there is food, all the living requirements are met. All medical is up to date. Yes, I have had them out because all 3 are under the 5th percentile for height and weight. Yet their pedi pointed out, they are small, but growth is steady, they are healthy and well, some are just small. Look at my side of the family. I have never had a case opened and I can pass background checks for not only security but also for childcare. I am actually certified through DHS to be a child care aid. I have also had them (my ex and his mother) try to use the fact that I am a romance consultant against me... Yep, that went through me not backing down and pointing out there is a reason there is a lock on my door.

I guess what I am saying is, there is help out there for single moms. Sure, you may not wish to do it, but shelters are not as bad as people think. I know some are, but if you take 24 hours (instead of an emergency placement) you can get into something decent. They will help you until you can get on your feet. Ok, you may not be able to be a SAHM. True, your ex and or his family may make life hard. But you can do it. Yep, you may not have the nice things you had before, but your kids deserve to be happy. You would be surprised about how happy kids can be even when they have only a hand full of toys.

If you take your time and plan things out a little, you can stay out of the scary (emergency) shelters. I would actually try for transitional housing. A woman's shelter will help you. Call the salvation army. They know the shelters in the area and some shelters require you be referred to them by Salvation Army. It also helps if you can wait 24-48 hours before going into the shelter from the time you call.

If you need to talk more about it, private message me. I have been there, done that.

I do agree with seeing a counselor. You can find it free through some churches and some organizations. Do a web search on it. Call up some churches if you have to. If you have a Love Inc in your area, call them. Sometimes you just need to talk to a neutral person and have them help you get past some of the barriers you put up when talking to each other.
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  #7  
May 30th, 2011, 07:14 PM
babyB No.1's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 516
Sorry you are feeling this way at this time.
I certainly hope you can get through this one way or another.
You have been true a lot lately (just guessing from your previous posts over time). Could your feelings be stress related? Maybe you need to get away for a bit, visit a relative or friend?
Not sure how long you have been married, but I found that the first 7 years of my marriage were tough and there were many reasons, loss of work and the self worth feeling (my hubby), stress because I was the only income and working 70+ hours a week, "friends" that shouldn't have been.....and so on. I think that only you can decide what right for you and your family. But there are many options, some of which were already mentioned in previous posts.
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  #8  
May 30th, 2011, 07:59 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,069
Ive been wondering how you are doing but didnt want to ask. I was in hopes no news was good news.

Last time you posted I told you that DH and I had split not long before we became pregnant. I take full blame for out problems, and started going to counseling. He did not want to come at first but later came with me. Things worked out and we are very happy now. We still have our life problems but our problems are no longer each other.

The only advice i can give you is to go to counseling. Even if your insurance does not cover it you can find places that do it on a sliding scale. Also, talk to your OBGYN, she should be able to refer you to someone.

Even if you feel you are alone in working on things DH might come around.
*hugs*
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  #9  
May 30th, 2011, 08:46 PM
mzbrnbear's Avatar GabrielandLiliana'sMommy
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Murfreesboro, TN
Posts: 491
Thank you so much everyone for your support, your encouragement and ideas. Counseling has been brought up several times over the years. I have gone to therapy, and we have done some self help stuff at home. He has been open to it, but it just seems to never happen. I think he doesn't really believe it will work, he just says he will do it not to loose me. That's how he is about EVERYTHING. He can be Mr. Wonderful for a time, but then he always goes back to the same old misery. I am not me with him. It is like walking on egg shells, he is always mad over something. Everything, stuff that I swear most people wouldn't even recognize. I had my cerclage put in 5 days ago, and he hasn't lifted a finger. I know he works long hours, and I practically NEVER ask him to do anything, but I am supposed to be on bedrest (that's a joke), and he is yelling at me for asking him to carry a huge basket of laundry into the living room so I can sit while I sort it, and not have to bend over because of my back from the epidural. He doesn't respect me enough to even pick up his own underware out of the bathroom floor. I know that sounds trivial, but my 3 year old does that for himself. It is just a very minor thing on a very long list of misery. He has gotten to where he gets irritated at my little girl when he is watching TV for climbing in and out of his lap, or making noise, I'm sorry, but I remember my dad yelling at us for interrupting his TV time, and I hate that. I am not that kind of mom. TV is never more important to me than my babies, especially him who only gets to see them like 2 hours a day 6 out of 7 days a week. He makes her cry when he does it, and I hate it! Is that wrong?
I know that I have options, I just don't know what the right choice is. I am questioning if things are so bad, am I overreacting?, am I underreacting? Things with him are on the border. Yes he has put his hands on me, but never outright punched me. He is emotionally abusive to me, but 95% of the time, he is wonderful with his kids. He cheated on me, but before we were married. I know a lot of these things are wrong, but are they so wrong that I go and take my kids out of their home? That's what I am confused about.
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  #10  
May 31st, 2011, 10:25 AM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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It is a really hard choice to stay or leave when you get to the breaking point you are at. I felt the same way. I was married, and had 3 boys under the age of 4. When I was done, I was done though and no amount of counseling could have saved us. I left when my youngest was 3 months old.

It was hard at first, we were lucky and had an apartment but it was in a horrible area and our place was broken into and we were robbed. Thank goodness we weren't home! There were times we had no phone and a few times the electric got shut off. BUT I was happy and the boys were happy! We didn't have much and I worked 2 jobs at one point. I got free clothes from church/school groups and so many people helped us out. I worked hard, real hard and when I wasn't working my life was devoted to the boys. I taught them morals and how to be good men and to help out around the house and love their mom and take care of women. I dated here and there but never wanted to get married again. I dated and had fun with all sorts of different great guys but really my focus was the boys. My career path took off and we got out of the slums and into nice areas, they had the nice clothes and toys... it just took a lot of years.

Summary: I was a single mom for over 14 years. I shocked all my friends when I told them I was getting married. Being a single mom was a struggle every day - not only just from a financial standpoint but an emotional one as well. But I am glad I left as we are happy.

xoxoxoxo you are in a real hard place right now.
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Pregnancy Loss April 2009, September 2010
CP 10/2008, 1/3/11 {missing my babies every single day}Mommy to 4 Children - 3 boys ages 22, 21 and 18 & baby Scarlett
After 2.5 years TTC with 4 losses our Family was given the gift of Miss Scarlett
.
Do not ever give up hope...


Miss Scarlett... Our miracle girl still brings happy tears to my eyes.



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  #11  
May 31st, 2011, 10:53 AM
**Linda**
Join Date: Aug 2010
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I don't have any advice, but I am so sorry. Thoughts and prayers to you!!!
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  #12  
May 31st, 2011, 10:54 AM
hearts.0nfire's Avatar STPR lover
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I think the other ladies gave some great advice. Regardless of what you decide to do I hope things get better for you.
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  #13  
May 31st, 2011, 11:17 AM
Aidan~N~Haileys Mama's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: North Carolina
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I have no advice, other than what was given...I think you need to go talk to a counselor alone, and with him and I think he needs to talk to a counselor too. I think one on one time with a counselor and than together as a couple would be good. *hugs* I'm sorry you are going through this!!
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  #14  
May 31st, 2011, 11:52 AM
..Jessica..'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Oh wow hun... I'm sorry you're dealing with this!!!!

Before my current SO I was with someone who was your husbands long lost brother. It took me just over 2 years to get out of it, when I had enough it was enough! Granted we didn't have children or that type of commitment you and your husband have ~ but it was the hardest thing to walk away from. I too thought "I'll be nothing without him" but truly, who are you when you're with him? It took me a while to realize that and I'm glad I did. I was miserable, walked on egg shells, couldn't look at him certain ways, couldn't say "we don't spend enough time together" out of fear of him losing it. Why did I want to spend time with him? I loved him...

The only one that can tell you to end it, is you. You're the only one that can say I'm done.

I wish you the best of luck, you know we're here when you need us!

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  #15  
June 6th, 2011, 07:03 AM
mzbrnbear's Avatar GabrielandLiliana'sMommy
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Murfreesboro, TN
Posts: 491
Sorry I haven't updated you guys in a while, it was wierd, it was like we just went into stale mode for a while, but last night, we talked, and it is official, we are equally miserable, and he wants out too. Now I just have to figure out how to do this. I have been hearing about some actual legitamate data entry from home jobs, and I think that would be perfect for me, I could work around my kids, and weekly ultrasounds, now I just have to find something. Thank you all for your advice and sharing with me....you girls are wonderful. Still open for any other suggestions/advice! Thanks girls!
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  #16  
June 6th, 2011, 07:11 AM
Carey
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Georgia
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So very sorry this has gotten so bad for you. I hope and pray that you can find a way to do what is right for you and your children without putting you all in a more miserable situation.
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  #17  
June 6th, 2011, 01:29 PM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Savannah GA
Posts: 13,417
((hugs)) It is not an easy thing you are doing. I have been there. If you need support let me know.
__________________

Pregnancy Loss April 2009, September 2010
CP 10/2008, 1/3/11 {missing my babies every single day}Mommy to 4 Children - 3 boys ages 22, 21 and 18 & baby Scarlett
After 2.5 years TTC with 4 losses our Family was given the gift of Miss Scarlett
.
Do not ever give up hope...


Miss Scarlett... Our miracle girl still brings happy tears to my eyes.



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  #18  
June 7th, 2011, 09:21 AM
AndreaRenee's Avatar raising boys...
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Manhattan Beach, CA
Posts: 6,053
I of course don't know you but I'm sorta wondering if once you had your babies, you just lost interest in your spouse or you are now seeing his bad behaviors you ignored before? I think its easy to become intolerant of our SO's once the kids come, we are busy, tired, run down and not in the mood to deal with their poor treatment. We believe we should be treated as gold since we are raising the kids...

have you gone to counseling? I believe you must do this before you call it quits. Also perhaps taking a break from him for a bit, trying out your life without him can help you make your decision. Is he open to change? Does he admit any of his wrong doings?
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