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Super-stressful Inlaw Discussion at 34 weeks... WWYD?


Forum: 2011 Playroom

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  #1  
June 20th, 2011, 11:07 AM
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So, not sure everyone knows the story, but long story short, we haven't had a relationship with my inlaws since a day or two before our wedding, 5 years ago. It was an incredibly hurtful situation, and there is still a lot of anger on our part towards them, but DH is trying to rebuild the relationship. I am "supportive", but was presented to me as him wanting to be able to see them at family functions and be civil. Well, we're there, but now he wants us to work things out further and have a more encompassing relationship with them... and for that to happen, we need to have a very open talk about what happened to cause it all, and because I got the brunt of the hurt, even though it had nothing to do with me, it is going to be very, very difficult for me to get through this discussion with them. Besides ruining our wedding, it also caused DH and I a lot of trouble in our first year and a half of marriage.
So, we tried to do this last year with no response from them, and are trying again since we've seen them a few more times in the last few months. We've been trying to set up a time to do it for a few weeks now, but they have always canceled on us... now they want to do it this Friday/Saturday which is way past where I told DH I would be comfortable doing it, given my history of pre-term labor. I know it's important to DH, but I'm not super comfortable with it, and frankly I'm pissed off at them for leaving it this long and for us to never be important enough for them to make the effort until now, when, oh right - grandchild #2 is on the way, and they want to be able to come see the baby.

... so, what would you do? Suck it up, have the conversation, tears, fighting, etc. knowing that it's terrible timing, or tell them (and in a way DH) no, you're just going to have to wait until months post-baby when life is settled down and we can give THEM a couple hours of our time??
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  #2  
June 20th, 2011, 11:24 AM
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I know its awful timing for you. If it were your parents I would say you call the shots and tell them they can wait.

But since it is DH's parents I would not stand in the way of reconciling (even though I know you have hard feelings towards them). You don't want your DH resenting you over issues with his parents.

I have had quite a bit of drama with my own parents over the years and my DH has always been supportive of me maintaining a relationship with them and never stood in the way. I think that even when I am upset with my family if my DH were to stand in the way of us reconciling I may be upset with him a little.
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  #3  
June 20th, 2011, 11:29 AM
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since it's DH and his parents, if he felt that strongly about it, I'd go, but feel free to excuse yourself if it gets too heated for you.
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  #4  
June 20th, 2011, 11:31 AM
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And if you get it all reconciled (or at least some closure) now, then it won't be another added stress when your baby comes All the focus could then be on your little one.
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  #5  
June 20th, 2011, 11:34 AM
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I would go ahead and get things resolved asap. Personally, there is never a "good" time for confrontation. Good luck with the meeting!
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  #6  
June 20th, 2011, 11:40 AM
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I'd go, but if it gets beyond where you can handle the stress, excuse yourself and get out of the area. If it's in a house or whatever, go sit outside for a while.
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  #7  
June 20th, 2011, 11:41 AM
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That's a hard decision, I can understand why you are hurt and frustrated by it. I would probably go ahead and try to resolve things now. But I agree that you should let your DH know ahead of time if you start to become too stressed out that you will need to take a break or excuse yourself as extreme stress isn't good for you or the pregnancy. I hope it goes better than expected!!
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  #8  
June 20th, 2011, 11:51 AM
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ha I could write a book about my inlaw problems. I still am going through a situation similiar to yours and it's been going on for 16 years. Sadly you are in a no win situation. I still battle with mine. heck we just all had a huge issue that went on. Things have gotten tougher since we announced we were pregnant.

Basically what I do is if I don't feel like participating in a family function where they are I send my husband and kids. As the wife you are put in a hard situation when kids are involved b/c if you're like me you want your kids to know their grandparents.

If things have been going on that long chances are that you'll be butting heads for many yrs to come. It's also up to your husband to help support you and stick up for with his family. Believe me totally easier said than done.

Other than that the only other advise i can give you is to keep your head up and try and not let them upset you. (even though they will). It's never ending and isn't fair but unless you can find the root of the problem and all parties accept and forgive the past things will always be a bit difficult.

Good luck. I know you'll need it.
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  #9  
June 20th, 2011, 01:25 PM
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I agree with some of the others. Being that it's DH's parents and not yours, I'd go ahead and take care of things now. As they said, you can always excuse yourself if things get too heated.

But you also may be surprised...it may not be ALL bad...
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  #10  
June 20th, 2011, 01:49 PM
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I would get it over sooner then later. But with us if it's Brett's family he takes the lead and I back him up and my family I take the lead. So I say if your husband really wants this I would try.
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  #11  
June 20th, 2011, 03:23 PM
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It sounds like it's really important to DH to work things out with his folks. I'd do it for DH's sake and follow his lead in this. I know EXACTLY what you're going through, my DH and I are going through something similiar to your situation with DH's parents and it's extremely stressful. Right now, it's a very strained relationship but I do hope that time heals all wounds and give the right circumstances, our relationship with them can be rebuilt.

If it gets stressful, leave the room and wait for DH to discuss things with his folks. Do give him the heads up that you plan to do that so that DH doesn't take it personally on your leaving the discussion...

Best wishes!!
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  #12  
June 20th, 2011, 03:30 PM
mom2more's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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If I were you I would "kill them with kindness". Just be calm and nice and do not let them get a rise out of you. Hold your head high. Then if they act like jerks your dh will see how hard you are trying to get along and how unreasonable they are.
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  #13  
June 20th, 2011, 04:18 PM
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Sorry you're dealing with this.
I totally understand about in-laws wrecking weddings at the last second(been there, done that last year...still pissed off...)

That's wonderful if you are at a stage where you feel a meeting may help.
In my own personal situation it's been decided that his family can come over to see the babe a few days after birth, but I will have nothing to do with it. I plan to stay in my room and nap and dh knows they better not overstay their visit. Also if they make a big mess(and they will, they are the most inconsiderate people on the planet) it is dh's responsibility to clean up.

Basically his family=his problem. I'm still to tramatized from the wedding fiasco to deal with it. Maybe in a few years I'll be stronger like you.
Good luck, keep us posted.
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  #14  
June 20th, 2011, 08:15 PM
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This is just a terrible situation, especially at this stage in your pregnancy. You should meet with them since it's so important to DH. Confrontation is never easy, but it's like taking off a band aid. The faster you do it, the easier it is to deal with the pain.

Let your DH know that if it gets too stressful, you'll need to excuse yourself, for the sake of both you and the baby.
Good Luck!
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  #15  
June 21st, 2011, 10:57 AM
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Quote:
But since it is DH's parents I would not stand in the way of reconciling (even though I know you have hard feelings towards them). You don't want your DH resenting you over issues with his parents.
I agree! Good luck!
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  #16  
June 21st, 2011, 11:02 AM
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Thanks ladies - I absolutely see both sides. I am actually leaning towards just getting it done and over with, but DH has now decided he wants to wait... I think? I have no idea. He's all over the map with it, which I think is what I'm struggling with the most - I just need to mentally prepare myself for it if it's going to happen! I guess we'll see what route he takes, and either way, I'll be there to the best of my abilities.
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  #17  
June 21st, 2011, 11:04 AM
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Good luck!
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