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How do I tell my mom


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  #1  
July 4th, 2011, 11:15 AM
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that i don't want her there at the birth anymore?

I'll attempt to make a long story short - my mom has borderline personality disorder (BPD) (and bipolar, severe depression, etc) and is very self-centered most of the time. the last two years had been great with her, and since she wasn't at tim or nat's births, I told her that if it worked out, i'd like her to be there this time (my in-laws were there when tim was born and my parents were there for both tim and nat's births). but then she suddenly had a relapse of depression, etc and in the last few months has been hospitalized more than once - her BPD has really kicked in again and she is very difficult to deal with.

well, on friday night when it was looking like i might be going into the hospital, i texted her to let her know what was going on - her reaction? "Well how am i gonna get there?" (my sis was going to drive her in but my sis is on vacay atm) She at one point actually said, "well is chris gonna come pick me up? it's a little far to walk." OMG she was pissing me off and stressing me out so much that the contrax were actually getting worse.

I DO NOT WANT that attitude or her around me when I am in labor. to top it off, any time i text her she ends up only getting the last few words of the text and then she calls and i don't want to talk to her which is why i text LOL. so it's a giant pain in the butt.

i don't know how to go about telling her i don't want her there anymore - unless she can keep her selfish mouth shut and leave me alone LOL. my sis being there is what i want (she was there for tim and nat's) and she is very helpful and supportive and can translate doctor talk to me LOL. but i dont' want my mom there.

how do i tell someone with BPD that I don't want them there for their grandson's birth after I had told her I did want her there (which was before she relapsed). BPD is very hard to deal with because the people are unintentionally incredibly selfish and manipulative and she will take it very hard and with her depression i wouldn't be surprised if she ended up in the hospital again...UGH I hate this - if i could've just had the baby the other night i wouldn't have to worry about it LOL. Erika gets back the 7th so i have until then to be gauranteed that my mom won't be there without that added stress of telling her i don't want her there.

here's the wiki link to tell you a bit more about BPD - Borderline personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
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  #2  
July 4th, 2011, 11:27 AM
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That's really a tough one Liza. I know you don't want to upset her and make things worse, but you need to be honest with her. If that means you have to be a bit nasty to her to get the point across, then that's just what you'll have to do.

A friend of mine here has completely disconnected herself from me in the last month. She used to be over here all the time. She has bipolar and BPD, ADHD and attachment issues. She sent me a message on FB about a week ago telling me that she is sorry she hasn't been around, but that she can't cope with me getting ready to have a baby cause she wants to be pregnant. I told her she knew when I first got pregnant that this was going to happen and that she should have been working on coping with it instead of getting close to me then abandoning me so close to the due date. She hasn't talked to me since then. Maybe I was cruel in the way I responded to her, but I'm not gonna walk on eggshells to make someone else happy when I myself am having a difficult time these days.
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  #3  
July 4th, 2011, 11:30 AM
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it's funny you should say "walking on eggshells" - i've been attempting to read a book about dealing with people with BPD called "Stop walking on eggshells" LOL. but it's really what we do - we don't know what to do or say or not do and say that might set them off. it's so hard to deal with sometimes. obviously i love my mom and you love your friend, but we can't always coddle them.
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  #4  
July 4th, 2011, 11:39 AM
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Amen lady! I am so sick of coddling people in fear of hurting their feelings, when they aren't even thinking of my feelings. I get so tired of taking care of everyone else and then me being left behind that it just makes me feel worse.
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  #5  
July 4th, 2011, 11:41 AM
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Can you just "forget" to call her when the time comes and tell her it all happened to fast?
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  #6  
July 4th, 2011, 11:46 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by *~Amanda~* View Post
Amen lady! I am so sick of coddling people in fear of hurting their feelings, when they aren't even thinking of my feelings. I get so tired of taking care of everyone else and then me being left behind that it just makes me feel worse.
AMEN!!!

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Originally Posted by Jade27 View Post
Can you just "forget" to call her when the time comes and tell her it all happened to fast?
I'm hoping it works out that way LOL! Or that it happens at midnight or that my phone was dead or something LOL
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  #7  
July 4th, 2011, 11:59 AM
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Ugh... I don't have to deal with the mental disorder part... But I am having a hard time with telling my mom that I don't want her in the labor room with me and Dh...

I mean... maybe it will be fine for a little, but after a certain point I know I will want her out... I know she will want to take pictures and video and want to be calling people to update... and I just don't want to be messing with that. I'm not planning on being on drugs, so I need to be as calm and relaxed as possible... And my mom... well she bugs the crap out of me most of the time...

IDK it's so hard... I haven't been able to bring up the subject... I just don't know if I will be able to tell her until it's just time... which probably isn't ideal, because she will have different expectations... BLAH...

Sorry for going off an a rant
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  #8  
July 4th, 2011, 12:05 PM
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I'd nto tell her, dont' tell her you changed your mind, and dont' tell her when you go into labor. just tell those you want there and ask them to not say anything outside that and leave it as is
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  #9  
July 4th, 2011, 12:12 PM
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I agree, I probably just wouldn't tell her until after the fact. That way, you're not worrying about setting her off, but you can still have the birth that you want.
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  #10  
July 4th, 2011, 12:37 PM
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Lili, I plan on trying to go drug free as long as possible too so I know that her being there will just make it worse

I guess I'll either have to suck it up, tell her, and deal with the wrath or just go behind her back and have the baby LOL
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  #11  
July 4th, 2011, 01:21 PM
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That's tough because either way I think I would be stressed out. I'de feel bad the whole time if I didn't tell her, but then I'de also feel bad for telling her ahead of time that she couldn't be there. With her disorder though, I think I would just not tell her until after the fact. I'de say that it happened very quick, and you were in too much pain to even think about calling anyone.
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  #12  
July 4th, 2011, 02:27 PM
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That's tough. I think I would just be honest. She is going to react badly either way. Better to just say "I love you but your relapse gave me second thoughts. I'll be under enough stress/pressure and I would rather you not be in the delivery room." at least then she has the option of being in the waiting room & seeing him right after he is born. That way your sis can be there & you don't have to lie.
Lili to avoid being the bad guy with your mom let her in for as long as you can handle it & then ask your nurse to clear the room of everyone but dh. They are there for your benefit & they don't mind playing the bad guy.
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  #13  
July 4th, 2011, 02:41 PM
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My MIL had everything your mother has and it is VERY difficult to deal with. When they are doing well then things can go great but when they are not things can go very wrong. My DH doesn't even talk to his mother but I do let her see Cam. Maybe you can tell her you were going over the birth plan with your doctor and you misunderstood exactly how many people you could have in there and that you are sorry she got asked but can't come. Or maybe you can say that because of the recent bleeding issue they don't want as many people in there as they first allowed. I know you feel guilty, sometimes I think this disease is more effort for the people around them, but I also wouldn't want to be living in their shoes either. I hope you can figure out as stress free of a solution as you can. If not I would tell them not to let her in specifically and if she gets upset say that they misunderstood what you said and apologize. I would say tell her point blank but when someone is like this they never admit that they are the one with the problem so it is not like it will sink in.
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  #14  
July 4th, 2011, 04:36 PM
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I would be honest with her, but don't blame her relapse because that will more than likely send her into a deep depression.

Tell her that the way she reacted to you last time put stress on you that you don't need and that it's made you realize that you want as few people there as possible. That way she knows her actions caused this (because mental illness or not, she should be held responsible for her actions) and you get to be open with her.

I know this isn't honest, but can you tell her that you aren't even going to have your sister there anymore? If your sister is understanding of you not wanting your mom there, hopefully she will go along with this.

It's so difficult to deal with people like that. I've been hurt and walked on too many times by my sister that I've cut her out of my life. So I know how much it sucks. I really hope you figure out a way to work past this.
Good luck.
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  #15  
July 4th, 2011, 05:51 PM
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I would be one of those that didnt tell her until after he was born and just say it happened so fast etc etc
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  #16  
July 4th, 2011, 11:49 PM
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the best thing u can do is just go to the hospital when time comes and just tell her later it all happened soo fast..!!! i mean its ok to llie at times .. specially with her condition and urs..!! it will benefit both of u..!!
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  #17  
July 5th, 2011, 06:07 AM
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Thanks girls! I really appreciate all the ideas and advice.

I think I'm just going to be honest with her but as gentle as possible, like meghan said - her reaction really stressed me out worrying about trying to tell her that my husband wasn't going to be leaving me alone at the hospital in labor for an hour to go pick her up. She lives about 20 mins from us, so that adds on at least 40 extra minutes if we pick her up. My sis lives near my mom and if it ends up being that i am feeling good enough and things are going well, I will do my best to still have them come and my sis can be a "buffer" and i will send my mom out but really i am at the point where i just want chris there. the last few weeks have been so rough on me with all the transverse/contrax/pain issues that i really just want to go in and have him LOL.
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