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Planning out the Year Questions *Update Post 9*


Forum: 2011 Playroom

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  #1  
November 29th, 2011, 06:07 PM
CptStargel's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I need to throw an idea out to you ladies. My in laws are very over bearing and think that they are the only grandparents that Madeleine has, but my mom wants to be just as involved! DH and I are being stuck in the middle and it is causing tension between us because his parents are complaining that I am trying to keep their only grandchild from them. I promise that I am not, but I want to make it fair to both families. The tough part is that we live in SC, my family lives in MO, and his family lives in NY. So here is going to be my suggestion for the next couple years, please tell me if this is not fair!

Thanksgivings we will travel to a family to spend the holiday. Odd years we will go to NY and even years we will go to MO. We held up our end this year and just got home from NY 2 days ago.

Christmas' I want to stay home and have a small family X-mas with just DH, myself, Maddie and the dog. Since we just got done being overwhelmed with a huge family Thanksgiving no matter where we go that year. I would like to have a small and simple X-mas.

Maddie's Birthdays we will make a free for all where we send invites to both families and they come to SC to help us celebrate her special day.

The rest of the year will be open and negotiable for travel either way, but we want to keep the schedule light because both DH and I work full time and we have a very nice routine going with Madeleine and daycare.

My MIL is totally angry and believes this is unfair. I thought it was fair, but what else can I do to help? She wants to be here for every single holiday (no matter how big or small). She was most upset that she was missing the first Christmas, but I swear I will not be able to handle her over Christmas since we just spent an entire week with them for Thanksgiving. My mom was fine with this schedule. I can be blunt and open with my mom and she is cool, but I tried being open with MIL and she went to DH and told him that I was mean to her and leaving her out and she feels unwanted. I swear that's not it!!! His parents have the best of intentions and I love them, but I can't be walked all over by them anymore. I am trying to set some boundaries and we have never had them before (Been together for 8 years with DH, but only married for 4 so far).

Be honest! Thank you in advance.
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Last edited by CptStargel; December 5th, 2011 at 05:46 PM. Reason: Update
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  #2  
November 30th, 2011, 08:11 AM
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I think that sounds like a very fair plan, stick to it, your MIL will just have to respect your wishes.
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  #3  
November 30th, 2011, 12:31 PM
provosto's Avatar Mommy to Arden!
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That sounds very reasonable--beyond actually--and I don't see any issues with it. You're not doing anything to make his mom feel that way, she's doing it all herself.
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  #4  
November 30th, 2011, 01:30 PM
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It sounds perfectly reasonable to me. It's not like you are saying your MIL can't come bur your mom can. You are fairly splitting up the years between them. I say stick to your guns, Mama.
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  #5  
November 30th, 2011, 05:22 PM
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I think it's totally fair in terms of splitting the time between the families. Is Christmas a particularly important holiday for your MIL for religious reasons? If it is really important to her, maybe you could switch and do Christmases in NY/MO instead of Thanksgivings? Otherwise, I think your plan is good. People forget how stressful the holidays can be for the LOs. It totally messes up their schedules

She may have been upset because she just assumed that she would see Maddie on Christmas and you surprised her by saying no. Give her some time.
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  #6  
November 30th, 2011, 06:05 PM
CptStargel's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thanks ladies. I am definitely sticking to this. JustLiz, no there is nothing special about Christmas to either family as far as religions go, but Thanksgivings are also considered family reunions for both sides because they are so big so I thought that was the best holiday, plus no gifts to ship home! Lol! MIL just beleives that she is the most important person in our LO's life. Sometimes I feel as if she is trying to relive her young mother days through me and Maddie. She was in college when she gave birth to her one and only child, my DH. She didn't get to spend alot of time with him and now she is trying to make up for it, I guess. I understand, but at the same time we are a military family and will be traveling until DH retires and so it's not like we can just move closer to them or vise versa. Now I just have to break the news to her and FIL because DH will not! He thinks that we should just let them do what they want because he believes it is easier. We have been letting them do whatever they want for a long time now, but I want it to end so I am not going to let up on this. I'm giving DH one more chance to talk to them and if he does not then I will call them on Saturday before they buy plane tickets.
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  #7  
December 1st, 2011, 02:29 PM
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I don't think it's unreasonable at all.

We live 2 hours from our families, same hometown, and it's such a chore when we go home, because both sides expect to see us and spend quality time with them, and especially at holidays. I think I pissed off his mom and sister when I told them that we were going to be at OUR home on Christmas day this year, not SIL's. I want Sean to wake up for Christmas in his own house. Both of them just looked stunned, and kept saying, well, ti's not like he'll remember it THIS year. I dont' care, I WILL! And that's not the point. I even invited them to come see us that day instead (SIL's only child is 12, so while I'm sure he will want to be home for Christmas too, it's not unreasonable for them to travel maybe later in the day). But we're always expected to be the one travelling. And even after saying it's not like we're not going to celebrate together, just not on Christmas day like usual, I still got he cold shoulder. And I have great in-laws! But I sure felt like poo after that...


Anyway, that turned into my own mini rant. I think your plans are reasonable, you ant' be expected to travel so far for EVERY holiday with little ones. And you should definitely have some here and there that are just for YOU. it's super great that she wants to be so involved, but there is definitely a line, and she's pushing it.
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  #8  
December 2nd, 2011, 11:43 AM
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I am so glad I don't have to deal with this... We live with my parents and Austin has never met his other set of grandparents (nor do they care).

I think your plan sounds really fair... Maybe they could go out to you a few weeks after christmas and do another "christmas" then? in like January or something?
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  #9  
December 5th, 2011, 05:46 PM
CptStargel's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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UPDATE!!!!! My MIL and FIL just called to inform us that they purchased plane tickets for Christmas! They will be here Thursday through Wednesday! I CAN NOT FREAKING BELIEVE THIS!!!! DH just said ok and that it is not a battle that we should fight with them and let them do what they want. OMG! I'm about to lose it over here, but I don't want to talk about it with him when I am this angry because I will say things I will definitely regret. I don't want to hurt his feeling or ruin our holiday with bad feelings. His parents have got some serious balls to go behind our backs after DH finally agreed to my year plan and told them not to come and then they buy non refundable tickets to come anyways?! I am so glad that I have you ladies to vent to because I would have filed for a divorce and taken Maddie to a hotel for Christmas, that's how mad I am right now.
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  #10  
December 5th, 2011, 11:13 PM
provosto's Avatar Mommy to Arden!
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What!?!? I'd be pissed. If I were in that position I would probably be a jerk about it and celebrate Christmas a day or two before they got there so you can still have your family Christmas alone and take Christmas day as any other day for them.
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  #11  
December 6th, 2011, 06:29 AM
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I think I'm too vindictive for this conversation. I'd be buying a ticket to my parents house, non-refundable and letting DH spend christmas with his parents sans baby. The freaking nerve. I'm so angry for you.
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Last edited by yeahokay31; December 12th, 2011 at 07:11 AM. Reason: forgot a "s"
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  #12  
December 6th, 2011, 08:12 PM
CptStargel's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Lmao! The thought did cross my mind to fly to my parents for Xmas but I would take the baby with me! I'm a little mean too because they wouldn't care if I was here or not. They only care about the baby. If she wasn't here they would lose their minds in anger! I have decided that I am going to be cordial for Christmas sake because I don't want to ruin it for me DH or LO. I also think I'm going to say something while they are here but after Christmas. I decorated the tree and house tonight and it made my mood better. I'm just excited for Maddie.
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  #13  
December 7th, 2011, 06:56 AM
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You guys told them NOT to come and they went and bought tickets anyway? That's a total douchbaggy move on their part... I understand that they would be excited about the grandbaby's first Christmas and all, but there is absolutely no reason to go against your wishes and do as they please.

I'd LIKE to think I'd do what Ness suggested, and just take the baby and leave and say, see, we TOLD you not to come, but in reality, I'd probably do what you are and just suck it up and sulk. I'm good at sulking.
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  #14  
December 7th, 2011, 05:44 PM
JustLiz's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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{{hugs}} I hope you can enjoy some of the holiday anyway. Remember to enjoy being with Maddie. That's the most important thing. She is a beautiful girl! After the holidays you will have to strategize about what to do for the future.
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  #15  
December 8th, 2011, 08:48 AM
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Bake them some holiday cookies with exlax in em...that's my answer for all evil inlaws hahaha
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  #16  
December 8th, 2011, 09:09 AM
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Ugh, how obnoxious! I would be so pissed. Book them a hotel room and lock your front door-- tell them they are not allowed over on Christmas until noon so you can still get your quiet Christmas morning.
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  #17  
December 9th, 2011, 05:55 PM
CptStargel's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I'm not as angry as I was. The part that makes me most upset is that this is not the first time that they have bought plane tickets without asking and then apologizing afterwards. She did it for the birth as well. I am a private person who wanted just DH at the birth and told her that and she agreed to come the week after to give us time to adjust and then she just showed up at the hospital and spent (and ruined) the whole first week home with Maddie. I don't like it that they do whatever they want. If they had told me that they really really wanted to be here and they would just die if they couldn't come, then I would have compromised and said yes (to a few days, not a whole week). But instead they just did what they wanted. That's really the part that upsets me the most. I have had a few days to think about it and I am not as angry because I don't care that they will be here. We will be living our lives as usual and not adjusting any part of our routines to accomidate them and Christmas and Christmas Eve will still be us and I will still take pictures and have fun with my DH and LO. And if they try and be the center of attention and ruin things then I will kick them out just like I did his MIL at our birth. She got drunk on 3 bottles of wine and I told her to get the heck out and DH bought her a ticket to go home early. She did agree to not drink wine while down for Christmas. She better hold up to that promise.

I love this group of women!!!! You are all so funny and supportive at the same time. I love it! Thank you!
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  #18  
December 11th, 2011, 05:39 PM
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That is ridiculously fair! Sounds like these are all her own issues, it is NOTHING that you are doing. The only suggestion I have is that you do like DH and I do, if she can't be happy with this. You switch holidays every year, much like you're doing but a little different. For example, this year we did thanksgiving with DH's family and we'll do xmas with mine. Next year we do thanksgiving with my family and xmas with dh's. For Easter we have it at our house. It's very similar to what you do, only this way everyone will be seeing her for at least one of the big holidays. And if all this is too much trouble, i say pack up and move to MO and tell MIL to shove it. If she wants to see you, drive the 16 hours to MO and shack up in a motel.. Sorry, i'm annoyed for you lol
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  #19  
December 12th, 2011, 01:11 AM
provosto's Avatar Mommy to Arden!
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Well they definitely take that saying "Ask for forgiveness, not permission" wholeheartedly, don't they!
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  #20  
December 12th, 2011, 05:09 PM
CptStargel's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thanks ladies for all the feedback!!! I do like the exlax idea because they are huge cookie junkies and DH refuses to eat them so there would be no accidents! Lmao! I love this group! I will let you all know how it goes.
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