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Let's Discuss - The sex talk


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  • 1 Post By ~Rae~
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  #1  
January 18th, 2013, 12:02 PM
Mama.Angie's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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You suggested more discussions, so here we are. It's a little hot topic, but I think we've all been able to keep things from getting nasty in the past. So let's discuss, reply and respond, open up dialogue, share experiences, and get to know one another's unique point of view.

Let's discuss - The sex talk!

When will you have the big sex talk with your children?
Will you leave it to their school to educate them?
How will you stress the importance of safe sex?
Will you let them know you don't wish them to experiment with anything sexual until X age?
Will you discuss masturbation?
Will you draw on your own experiences when telling them about sex?
Would you do things differently with your boy child than for your girl child?
Etc...
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  #2  
January 18th, 2013, 12:26 PM
~Rae~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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We'll discuss sex as it relates to procreation as soon as they become curious. Of course the discussion will be very basic.
We'll really talk about sex around 13, depending on maturity level. We'll discuss it more in depth then. After that, we will have regular talks about sex, highlighting the importance of safe sex, limiting partners, etc. we won't just visit the topic once & leave it alone.
My plan is to approach things logically & not forget that I was a teen at one point. As much as I HATE thinking about it & hope it doesn't happen, it's going to happen. It will. My kids are going to have sex, & I'm almost certain it will be before marriage. I went to a good high school and had decent friends, but probably 4/5 had had sex by graduation, some with more than one person. I lost my virginity at 17. Many lost theirs earlier. If my kids take anything from our sex discussions, it should be to not be out there like that with EVERYONE, & to use condoms every time. I'm also not opposed to getting b/c for Layla if she's honest enough with me and herself and asks for them.

I don't plan to discuss masturbation. That's their business and something that they will figure out naturally. I don't think it's my business since there is no harm to them if they engage in it without guidance.
I know I'm missing some thoughts I'd like to add, but I'll revisit this thread frequently.

Great post Angie!
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Last edited by ~Rae~; January 18th, 2013 at 12:28 PM.
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  #3  
January 18th, 2013, 12:40 PM
navywifey2003's Avatar Home Birth Mama
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For us the sex talk should begin young with age appropriate information. For instance David asked yesterday (he's 5 1/2) mommy why do only mommies have the babies. So we had a discussion about how mommy was made with a special place that can grow the babies and daddy doesn't neither do you. He then asked in his sister did and I told him she did. He then asked how the baby gets into mommies tummy. We said simply I special piece of mommy and special piece of daddy make a baby. Very simple kids terms but since he has questions I plan on answering. We will get more in depth as time goes on and he will have a continued education. Katelynn as well especially since I was 9 when I got my first period. Safe sex will be discussed for sure. It's not IMO he schools job to educate my children, can they add to it sure but it is my job as their parents to make sure they know. I think my kids have more questions now be aide they were there when Everett was born. We even explained what would happen when Everett decided to come so they would not be scared. They were amazing. Very curious afterwards and David was amazed at how mommy brought his brother into the world. He still talks about it. I hope They will always feel comfortable coming to us for questions and advice about sex.
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  #4  
January 18th, 2013, 01:06 PM
Mama.Angie's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I don't have a set time in mind for when the sex talk should happen. I think I'll assess as they grow and ask questions. DH and I come from very different backgrounds when it comes to sex. I was quite educated, and very safe... though I started much earlier. He was pretty much raised to believe sex comes at marriage, and it's almost something to be hidden away, not discussed, and he didn't actually get to it until he was much older than most people in our particular area would. Like Rae said, I don't think we'll bring up masturbation, but if it becomes something that's on the table to discuss, it will be viewed as something that is normal, and something private. I think there is a lot of shaming when it comes to masturbation, I've heard a lot of stories when it comes to parents finding this or that and I think shaming your kids or making them feel embarrassed is not right. They'll be embarrassed enough likely. Also, like Lydsey said, we'll give them little pieces of basic info as they ask for. Details will be given when needed. I have already had a question or two thrown my way via. my 4 year old and there's always this... pause... as my brain figures out how to answer the question. How to simplify. How to make it clear enough to satisfy. I won't lie to my kids in order to avoid the gritty aspects of life, but I will try my best to soften things so they aren't as scary seeming. If that makes sense.

Canada has been going through some changes in regards to it's sexual education curriculum... there was a huge issue two years ago about some of the things they wished to add. It got overthrown, but I know they are constantly reassessing and working on it. I have no idea what kind of things they'll be teaching when my girls get to that point. I want them to learn, but I feel some things just need to come from the parents.
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  #5  
January 18th, 2013, 01:21 PM
navywifey2003's Avatar Home Birth Mama
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When I was in school the curriculum for sex Ed classes were available for parents to view before signing the permission slip.
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  #6  
January 18th, 2013, 01:56 PM
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Oh I so don't even want to go here!

DD is 9, she knows nothing, she hasn't asked and I haven't volunteered. Problem, girls her age are getting their periods! Yes, two of my friends have 9-10 year olds with their periods which means I've very far behind. Not only do I not know where to begin, I have no idea how she will react because seriously she has never shown any interest at all and has never asked a single question.

So we have had no sex talks, not body changing talks, nothing! One of these days my poor little girl is going to get her period and freak!
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  #7  
January 18th, 2013, 02:26 PM
navywifey2003's Avatar Home Birth Mama
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mccaroline View Post
Oh I so don't even want to go here!

DD is 9, she knows nothing, she hasn't asked and I haven't volunteered. Problem, girls her age are getting their periods! Yes, two of my friends have 9-10 year olds with their periods which means I've very far behind. Not only do I not know where to begin, I have no idea how she will react because seriously she has never shown any interest at all and has never asked a single question.

So we have had no sex talks, not body changing talks, nothing! One of these days my poor little girl is going to get her period and freak!
My mom started with showing me an ad for a pad. I got my period at 9 which was 2 weeks after that conversation. And I am so glad she did otherwise I would have flipped out.
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  #8  
January 18th, 2013, 02:44 PM
irishblessing's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Up until a certain point I will definitely answer their questions in age appropriate language. She has already asked some questions like why I have boobs and she doesn't, etc. When she asks things like that I try to also add a bit more information as well.

I think I pretty much plan to do things the same as Rae. I will definitely be having an in depth talk about it with them and not leaving it up to the schools. I don't think I will really discuss masturbation unless it comes up, and then I will just let them know that it should be done privately etc.

I do think I'll explain things differently to them depending on their age. But I guess it would be beneficial for them to know how things work on both sides lol.
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  #9  
January 18th, 2013, 03:38 PM
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I hope to answer questions as they come up, and have sex be an ongoing open discussion. As they get older and ask more specific questions, more specific answers will be given.

I never had the talk with my parents, but I was put on birth control pills at 13. I didn't have sex until I was 22, but only because I had no interest in it lol

I hope to talk with both kids more than my parents talked to me.
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  #10  
January 18th, 2013, 04:41 PM
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I absoluely love this topic as it's so near and dear to my heart. I teach a sex education course though our local Planned Parenthood and I hate to say it but it's a topic that a lot of parents avoid.

I will start sex education as soon as there is interest. Most children will show interest by 4-5 years of age and sooner in children that have younger siblings/cousins and/or attend day care/play group programs. I find it best to answer their questions honestly and simply. Does a 4 year old need to know everything? No but they can understand the basics. You just fill in the blanks with more details as they get older. It's often best to start by asking what they know and going from there.

I would NEVER leave it to the school to educate my child about sex. All school systems are different but many (like my local system) only teach abstinence only sex education. They do not discuss anatomy, the menstrual cycle, bodily changes during puberty, birth control, the proper use of condoms, pregnancy options, pregnancy testing, emergency contraception, correct std/sti prevention and testing, how to have sex responsibly, how to figure out if your ready for sex, how to identify and how to deal with an abusive relationship, and sex alternatives. All they teach is not to have sex and if you do have sex you are going to get pregnant and go to Hell. We as adults know just how well teens listen when you tell them not to do something.

It's up to us as parents to make sure our children have the knowlege that they need to become adults and part of that is proper sex education. In the US, the average age for sexual activty to begin is 14 for girls and 16 for boys. Many parents are in denial that their kids would even be concidering sex at those ages but the numbers don't lie. It's best to be prepared yourself and to prepare your children properly. How would you deal with your daughter telling you she's pregnant? How would you deal with your son telling you he'd gotten a girl pregnant? How would you deal with an STD/STI? These are questions we have to force ourselves to confront and plan for. Parents can rant all day about how they would kill thier children or ground them until they were dead but that dosen't solve anything. It's not realistic. You have to be prepared to help your daughter though an abortion, an adoption, or to help her keep her child. If you have a boy you have to be ready to help him step up and support someone else daughter though the same things.

My children will have reasonable access to condoms and reliable forms of birth control. Sex will never be shameful in my home and they will be allowed to have sex in it. Studies have shown that when teens have a safe place to have sex they engage in less risky sexual behaivors. It just makes sense to me to provide that safe place. They will hopefully have the knowlege that they need to make a responsable choice of when to have sex. It's not up to me to make that choice for them. All I can do is try to make sure that they are safe and responsable.

All forms of alternative sex will be discussed so that it can be embraced in a healthy and safe manner. This includes masturbation, mutual masturbation, oral sex, and anal sex. I'm sure I'll draw from my own sexual history to provide examples and I feel no shame in doing so. I really don't feel boys and girls should be treated too differently. They both need to know and understand what the other sex is going though and to know that if anything were to happen that both parties are just as responsable.
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  #11  
January 18th, 2013, 06:13 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Leogirl View Post
I absoluely love this topic as it's so near and dear to my heart. I teach a sex education course though our local Planned Parenthood and I hate to say it but it's a topic that a lot of parents avoid.

I will start sex education as soon as there is interest. Most children will show interest by 4-5 years of age and sooner in children that have younger siblings/cousins and/or attend day care/play group programs. I find it best to answer their questions honestly and simply. Does a 4 year old need to know everything? No but they can understand the basics. You just fill in the blanks with more details as they get older. It's often best to start by asking what they know and going from there.

I would NEVER leave it to the school to educate my child about sex. All school systems are different but many (like my local system) only teach abstinence only sex education. They do not discuss anatomy, the menstrual cycle, bodily changes during puberty, birth control, the proper use of condoms, pregnancy options, pregnancy testing, emergency contraception, correct std/sti prevention and testing, how to have sex responsibly, how to figure out if your ready for sex, how to identify and how to deal with an abusive relationship, and sex alternatives. All they teach is not to have sex and if you do have sex you are going to get pregnant and go to Hell. We as adults know just how well teens listen when you tell them not to do something.

It's up to us as parents to make sure our children have the knowlege that they need to become adults and part of that is proper sex education. In the US, the average age for sexual activty to begin is 14 for girls and 16 for boys. Many parents are in denial that their kids would even be concidering sex at those ages but the numbers don't lie. It's best to be prepared yourself and to prepare your children properly. How would you deal with your daughter telling you she's pregnant? How would you deal with your son telling you he'd gotten a girl pregnant? How would you deal with an STD/STI? These are questions we have to force ourselves to confront and plan for. Parents can rant all day about how they would kill thier children or ground them until they were dead but that dosen't solve anything. It's not realistic. You have to be prepared to help your daughter though an abortion, an adoption, or to help her keep her child. If you have a boy you have to be ready to help him step up and support someone else daughter though the same things.

My children will have reasonable access to condoms and reliable forms of birth control. Sex will never be shameful in my home and they will be allowed to have sex in it. Studies have shown that when teens have a safe place to have sex they engage in less risky sexual behaivors. It just makes sense to me to provide that safe place. They will hopefully have the knowlege that they need to make a responsable choice of when to have sex. It's not up to me to make that choice for them. All I can do is try to make sure that they are safe and responsable.

All forms of alternative sex will be discussed so that it can be embraced in a healthy and safe manner. This includes masturbation, mutual masturbation, oral sex, and anal sex. I'm sure I'll draw from my own sexual history to provide examples and I feel no shame in doing so. I really don't feel boys and girls should be treated too differently. They both need to know and understand what the other sex is going though and to know that if anything were to happen that both parties are just as responsable.
This so well put! And it's what I'm really hoping to do with my kids also.
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  #12  
January 18th, 2013, 08:22 PM
joonzgurl's Avatar Proud mama of 2 girls
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This is an interesting topic, and I will honestly say I have not thought about it too much until right his minute when I read your questions, LOL!

I plan to talk to my children for sure. I remember when I got my period I was so scared and embarrassed to tell my mom. It helped that I had an older sister so I knew what was going on, and we had learned about it in school of course...but I don't want Avery to feel embarrassed.

I plan to address it as it comes up, and hope I have simple answers and age appropriate ones too.

I am not so sure if I will discuss masturbation or not... I think I will just bring it up that it is normal to explore your body.

I will address safe sex and birth control as soon as they have a boyfriend/girlfriend.
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  #13  
January 19th, 2013, 12:36 AM
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I can't imagine knowingly allowing my kids to have sex in our house!
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  #14  
January 19th, 2013, 05:41 AM
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Agreed. I'm not THAT progressive or forward thinking. Lol.
I just can't picture Xavier running upstairs with his girlfriend to go hit the sheets. No way. I do know my kids will probably have sex, but no one is having THAT much fun in our house but ME and DADDY. We've earned that right. They start doing that & they may get the idea they own the place.

PLUS, they would be having sex with someone else's child. If I knowingly allow my kids to have sex with another child in my house, those parents could find out & OMG. I can't even imagine. Fights for sure. No one would want their kids at our house. Ever. Then the gossip and everyone knowing my kids' business. No. Not for my family.

They better go get a room or get old school and climb in someone's back seat.

MY goal is to not know or teach every intimate detail. My role as a parent is to provide guidance, bc for my daughter if needed (anyone can buy condoms so X can get his own), and keep an open line of communication. I don't want details, I'm not discussing the most pleasurable ways to get the job done, & not supplying the venue for them to have sex.
I equate that to anything else teens engage in that is better left to adults. We may KNOW they try it or do it (sipping alcohol or trying out a ciggarette) but not going to hand them a bottle or a ciggarette & tell them do it in the house.
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  #15  
January 19th, 2013, 06:31 AM
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I have to agree with Rae on this on. I feel like there is a way to give them enough info without too much. (Example: masturbation will be approached only if it comes up, and it likely won't be a legnthy discussion. I will also provide my girls with Bc if they want /need it. And no, they wil not have permission to do it in my house.....they probably still will, but I will not give them the go ahead.

My mom never had the sex talk. She briefly walked in on me getting a little too excited over a Tv sx scene (I was 6.) I'll never forget the look she gave me, like I was some awful person. At 11 I got in trouble for looking at pornography on the Internet, and once again I was shamed. I felt like an awful person. I didn't have sec until I was 18. While most people don't say "I wish I would have started having sex sooner." I do. The only reason I was not having sex is because it was drilled into me that it was bad, and doing it before marriage would make me a bad person. I just didn't want my mom to think I was a bad person.


I will definitely approach the topic of sex differently with my kids.

Last edited by HeatherLopez; January 19th, 2013 at 06:45 AM.
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  #16  
January 19th, 2013, 06:34 AM
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Rae, I laughed out loud at your post AND read it to DH. I agree with you.

M is 6 and K is 4. We have had some basic discussions about babies and where they come from, just answering the questions. I will admit, with little rose being a c/s baby, it was really easy to not go into the whole vajayjay discussion. Right now, they know the baby comes out of mommy's tummy.

I will discuss body changing with them as they get curious and by 10, just so there are no surprises. I was completely clueless and baffled by it for me.

I will NOT leave sex ed up to the schools. My mother did and it was horrible! Luckily I had a great health teacher in high school, but that was high school and a few years too late.

I will teach them about safe sex and make sure they understand the health and respect reasons for safe sex. I will not discuss masturbation with them. I think they can figure that one out, and truly I don't want to know that one.

I'm sure we'll use a combination of our experiences to talk to them about waiting (or not waiting), about how important it is and should be with someone you really care about and never taken lightly. I don't plan on discussing the various forms of sex (other than oral) with them. If they ask, I may, but I don't know yet. We'll see what happens when they ask.

Bottomline is that I love my kids and want them to be prepared for what lies ahead in the world of adult relationships.
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  #17  
January 19th, 2013, 07:21 AM
MommytoaMiracle's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Oh lord, this topic scares me because I started having sex very early & I'm a little sceered about my daughter. lol

I agree with above though...We will start early & I will openly answer any questions she/he may have about it all.

Rae put it nicely, for me.
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