[chickadee]

I think about it constantly, but I'm so afraid that this is going to be taken away from me. My first pregnancy was a year ago, and it was ectopic. It was an awful, painful experience, both emotionally and physically. Since then we've been doing IVF, and this was the third round (the previous two were unsuccessful, though one resulted in a very brief chemical pregnancy). I've had four betas over the last week and the numbers have gone up each time (Sunday it was 7800)... but I'm not convinced. There is so much that can go wrong, and I'm trying to keep from getting too excited just in case something does. Not that I won't be devastated regardless, but if I allow myself to become too happy about this, and accept it too much, then it might be even worse. Even posting here feels strange - like I'm acknowledging that it's real when it isn't for sure yet.

I think I'll feel better after I can see a heartbeat. I know there's still plenty that can go wrong after that... but I think I'll still feel better.

[MiaVena]

you and i are in the same boat...i have had 2 missed miscarriages and i am waiting for my appt. just to see if it has a hb and that how far along am i...i think there is nothing we can do about the constant fear, but we also cant do anything about whats going to happen....so all we have to do is ..live through that first trimester and the chances of miscarriage drops a lot love each minute with your beanie right now...

[chickadee]

Mia, thank you. And I'm sorry that it's so frightening for you too. You're right that there is nothing we can do either way, and so we just have to get through. I need to keep reminding myself that the only thing I can do right now is take care of myself as best I'm able.

When will you have your ultrasound?

[MiaVena]

21.06...but i might change it to a later date so it would be 100% sure I mean they wont be squinting and looking around for a long time ..i would like to see a strong hb

[ninja_mommy]

I don't like the in limbo feeling either. It took us 8 months to get pregnant after our m/c in October. Now I fear this is ending in a chem. loss. Hcg of 12 at 12dpo doesn't make me feel very reassured. You're numbers sound good, so FX'ed for a nice, strong bean on the u/s!

[JulieMc]

With 4 losses under my belt now, I can't help but feel like it could end at any moment. I hate that. I honestly will not feel safe even after hearing a heartbeat because with my pregnancy that ended in miscarriage in February this year, I defied the odds....perfect heartbeat seen on u/s at 11w, then I spontaneously aborted it 2 hours later. Yea, I'm not sure I'll ever feel safe. Maybe I'll feel safer in the 2nd trimester because all my losses were first trimester ones, but who knows. I wish I could go back to being naive, happy and worry-free while pregnant...*sigh*

[chickadee]

Mia, I've got one scheduled this week and one scheduled next week already for the same reason. I figure if we can't see the hb this Friday it might be a touch too early, but by next Thurs it should be showing up. I will be hoping for a strong heartbeat at your u/s on the 21st!

ninja_mommy, I'm very sorry to hear of your m/c, and that it took so long to get pregnant after. I'm hoping this is a sticky one for you. 12dpo is pretty early, right? I think I only saw my first very faint positive FRER at 11dpo, so I had to have been right at the limits of detection then - similar time frame as your first beta. Are you still doing HPTs? If so, how are they looking? I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you that your numbers keep getting stronger.

Julie, four losses... I can't even imagine how hard that must have been, must still be. I am sure anyone in your shoes would feel the same worry and anxiety. I can only believe though that if you defied the odds once with the m/c so late in the first tri, the chances of the same thing happening again are so incredibly small. I will be hoping that the first tri goes really quickly and smoothly for you this time around, so that you can get to a point where you can relax and enjoy being pregnant.

Thanks to all of you for sharing your stories here. I wish none of you had to go through those losses, but I appreciate knowing I'm not alone in feeling so nervous.

[sarah*]

I am the same, i try and be positive, but all that goes through my mind everyday is "I am only 5 weeks still so many weeks left at risk where i am able to have a miscarriage..." i know you are at risk after 12 weeks because i lost my first after 14 weeks, but there were problems with her so there was a reason behind it.. but i feel a bit more relaxed once i have my first scan at 12 weeks and see that baby is fine

[chickadee]

sarah, that must have been so tough to experience a loss so late in your pregnancy. I'm so sorry things weren't right. Looking at your signature it seems that your m/c last year was at almost the exact same time as my ectopic (we found out we were pregnant on June 11, 2011, and the surgery was June 30, right at about 7-7.5 weeks). Here's hoping that one year later we both have much better experience ahead of us.